Michellinda Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I ended things with him because he became physically abusive. He wanted to get together and talk I agreed to talk. When we meet at the restaurant there is no remorse so I basically tell him how wrong he is and say I am happier without him suddenly he's like well thats fine this doesn't work and I don't want to be with you. I felt sick to my stomach and actually begged how if he went to get help we could try to work things out. He proceeds to say I needed to change and he needs a break. He texts me when he gets home that he really loves me and if we are meant to be it will be but at the time he cannot do this until he know for sure things will be different. HOw did it go from now me feeling guilty, horrible and rejected??!! I thought he would be apologetic and remorseful. I thought he came to say he didn't want to lose me? Is this another abuse tactic??
JewelD Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 More like manipulation. Regardless, why do you care what he thinks? He sees no wrong in abusing you, so there is nothing for the two of you to work out. Move on from this man. 3
Author Michellinda Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 Thanks for answering and you are right but I am feeling so broken. I hate that I begged and acted like a complete tool.
basil67 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Block and delete. Saves you from yourself. Stay strong xxx
Author Michellinda Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 Thank you for your replies. I need to stay strong and now this is for the best. I just feel like a complete idiot but maybe if it didn't happen this way I would still be continuing to be with him.
preraph Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 abusers are masters of manipulation and this is manipulation. Block him every way you can, phone number, social media and don't look back!! 2
spiderowl Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) You can't help your feelings in what was a shocking situation. You expected him to be remorseful about his bad behaviour and instead he dumped you. It is incredibly confusing when the plot changes like that and for no rational reason. I had something similar recently when I went to complain about a neighbour's dog howling all day long and the neighbour denied it was his dog that was howling! It was common knowledge amongst all our neighbours that the dog was causing us all problems and others had complained too. I also anticipated an apology and an attempt to do something to improve the situation, even if it was never perfect. When faced with irrational denial though, it does throw you off-kilter. There is nothing to be done with such people, they clearly cannot be reasoned with. It sounds like your boyfriend is in denial about his behaviour and lashing out emotionally. However you are feeling now, please remember how he reacts when things are not going his way - he lashes out emotionally and physically. This is not a manageable situation: it is one you need to get out of before you get sucked into believing that you are somehow responsible for HIS behaviour. Try not to let this affect your self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with you. This guy has the problem. It sounds like you are fortunate to get out now before his behaviour escalates. Edited August 19, 2016 by spiderowl 1
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) I ended things with him because he became physically abusive. He wanted to get together and talk I agreed to talk. When we meet at the restaurant there is no remorse so I basically tell him how wrong he is and say I am happier without him suddenly he's like well thats fine this doesn't work and I don't want to be with you. I felt sick to my stomach and actually begged how if he went to get help we could try to work things out. He proceeds to say I needed to change and he needs a break. He texts me when he gets home that he really loves me and if we are meant to be it will be but at the time he cannot do this until he know for sure things will be different. HOw did it go from now me feeling guilty, horrible and rejected??!! I thought he would be apologetic and remorseful. I thought he came to say he didn't want to lose me? Is this another abuse tactic?? Ah, gaslighting -- the hallmark of a narcissist. Keep moving and get focused on YOU and why you would even entertain another conversation with a person who physically abused you . . . There is a difference between physical abuse and baseball . . . with physical abuse, it's ONE STRIKE AND YOU'RE OUT. I thought he would be apologetic and remorseful. -- Stay out of his head and focus on what he did to you and keep moving. Edited August 19, 2016 by Redhead14 1
Author Michellinda Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 May I just tell everyone how much I love all of you and this site. I didn't even hear from him today and I was feeling so sad but reading your replies and talking to my friends and family the best thing that happened is him reacting this way. I actually would have went back to this abuser if he had been remorseful even after he hit me I was still thinking of continuing. I should thank my lucky starts and keep it moving! 2
smudge21 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 You bruised the ego of someone who lives to be in control and have people worship him. When you took charge at the beginning that must have crushed him so he turned it around. Don't feed his ego ever again and learn from this by moving on totally. Scum like this (sorry, but that's the nicest word I can use here for someone who abuses another) don't deserve to be in a loving respectful relationship. Go find someone who does. There's plenty out there. 3
Toodaloo Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 How did it go from now me feeling guilty, horrible and rejected??!! I thought he would be apologetic and remorseful. I thought he came to say he didn't want to lose me? Is this another abuse tactic?? It went that way because you gave an abuser a chance to be abusive. You have done the hardest thing which is to pluck up the courage to leave. Now you have to give yourself time to recover. Your thinking is going to be skewed for a while, you will probably struggle a bit as you know things are "wrong" but it seems so reasonable the way they said it. Be brave and do not doubt yourself. Do not give him any more chances. Keep him out of your life. Slowly slowly things will get better and become more clear. Give yourself a chance and give yourself time. Stay away from him. Keep coming back if we help you and if we can make thing seem clearer in your mind. What ever you do - do NOT go back to that man. 1
Author Michellinda Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 The sleeping part is what make going through this awful I have so much anxiety and can't get a profound sleep. I know I should be happy to be out if this relationship but why do I have that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is truly awful. I've been repeating to myself who wants a physical and emotional abuser. But my mind starts thinking where he is and if he is already with a new woman etc. it is awful.
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 The sleeping part is what make going through this awful I have so much anxiety and can't get a profound sleep. I know I should be happy to be out if this relationship but why do I have that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is truly awful. I've been repeating to myself who wants a physical and emotional abuser. But my mind starts thinking where he is and if he is already with a new woman etc. it is awful. if he is already with a new woman -- If he is, be afraid for her . . . 1
spiderowl Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 The sleeping part is what make going through this awful I have so much anxiety and can't get a profound sleep. I know I should be happy to be out if this relationship but why do I have that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is truly awful. I've been repeating to myself who wants a physical and emotional abuser. But my mind starts thinking where he is and if he is already with a new woman etc. it is awful. You are still hurting and that is bound to be the case. It is a shocking situation to be in - to find someone who seems like he might be the man of your dreams, then he betrays you by being abusive and forcing a showdown which ends the relationship. It takes a while to recover and to disentangle yourself. If you determine they will, feelings for him will fade if you keep out of contact. It could take a few weeks but gradually you will get better and then you will wonder why you felt like this. 1
preraph Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) The sleeping part is what make going through this awful I have so much anxiety and can't get a profound sleep. I know I should be happy to be out if this relationship but why do I have that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is truly awful. I've been repeating to myself who wants a physical and emotional abuser. But my mind starts thinking where he is and if he is already with a new woman etc. it is awful. Well, no matter why the breakup, it still affects us emotionally. Don't punish yourself about it. But yes, be glad you got out. And mourn and cry and get it out of your system. But then schedule yourself to stay busy with friends and family and activities you enjoy so you can refocus your thoughts that way. Good luck. And thank you. Each time I hear an abuse victim seek help and resolve to leave, it chokes me up because it's one less little girl hiding in her room pretending not to hear her parents fight and being absolutely terrified, and one less little girl who doesn't have to wonder if it's a threat if her dad gets up on the middle of the night to use the restroom. Being a child of even only occasional abuse as was the case with my parents is terrifying. It only takes once to overhear or witness it and from them on you are afraid of everything. So bravo. Get out and don't let then next abusive guy even get this far ever again. Edited August 19, 2016 by preraph 2
Author Michellinda Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Truly grateful for the responses I am getting. I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive words. He wrote me an email saying he can't stop thinking of me and how much he misses me but how our relationship is toxic and how he if he didn't do the bad things he done we could have a happy and healthy relationship. Basically the email was an I miss you email, I did not reply but still made me really sad. But I came on here and read everyone's replies and feel a bit stronger. 2
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