Vixi Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 My dumper contacted me recently (thanks for all of the advice by the way) letting me know that he was still here for me if I wanted to speak with him, and that he was serious about not cutting me out of his life. Despite a lot of advice from friends and you lovely people here, I decided not to go with "no contact". I talked to my therapist and we agreed that I would not be comfortable with just ignoring him because I already felt like this entire situation was way beyond my control. (When he dumped me I sort of just accepted the breakup, but didn't necessarily agree with his reasoning... and had no response to his offer of remaining friends. I was so hurt that I froze.). So I basically decided to text him back. I didn't want him to think that I hated him, and I feel like "no contact" would have really given him the impression that I am too upset/ too hurt to talk to him. And my lack of decision-making/action would have ultimately hurt me because I have so much trouble with ending things myself. So I told him that he was a wonderful person, I really enjoyed our time together and I that didn't hate him. But that I agreed with him about the fact that we were not compatible. And that pursuing a friendship is not for me...and then I wished him well. I feel worse now because I have completely shut down the chance of reconciliation. It's just so hard to tell whether or not he actually wanted a friendship (FWB/ or to just use me for emotional support) or whether he was genuinely trying to reconnect and ultimately reconcile. I didn't want the break-up but I also didn't want to be his doormat. I hope I did the right thing.
Redhead14 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 My dumper contacted me recently (thanks for all of the advice by the way) letting me know that he was still here for me if I wanted to speak with him, and that he was serious about not cutting me out of his life. Despite a lot of advice from friends and you lovely people here, I decided not to go with "no contact". I talked to my therapist and we agreed that I would not be comfortable with just ignoring him because I already felt like this entire situation was way beyond my control. (When he dumped me I sort of just accepted the breakup, but didn't necessarily agree with his reasoning... and had no response to his offer of remaining friends. I was so hurt that I froze.). So I basically decided to text him back. I didn't want him to think that I hated him, and I feel like "no contact" would have really given him the impression that I am too upset/ too hurt to talk to him. And my lack of decision-making/action would have ultimately hurt me because I have so much trouble with ending things myself. So I told him that he was a wonderful person, I really enjoyed our time together and I that didn't hate him. But that I agreed with him about the fact that we were not compatible. And that pursuing a friendship is not for me...and then I wished him well. I feel worse now because I have completely shut down the chance of reconciliation. It's just so hard to tell whether or not he actually wanted a friendship (FWB/ or to just use me for emotional support) or whether he was genuinely trying to reconnect and ultimately reconcile. I didn't want the break-up but I also didn't want to be his doormat. I hope I did the right thing. I talked to my therapist and we agreed that I would not be comfortable with just ignoring him because I already felt like this entire situation was way beyond my control. -- Get a new therapist. No contact is all about taking control ... No contact is all about YOU and being able to manage your emotions and moving forward without being triggered back to the event an keeping the wound open. It is about surgically removing a cancerous situation from your life. The fact is that you were not compatible. Nothing could change that. Incompatibility is incompatibility PERIOD. use me for emotional support -- He ended the relationship. It is completely inappropriate for him to rely on you for that. You did the right thing. If he wants to reconcile and no contact is implemented, he will find you, come to you, get down on one knee and beg and grovel for your forgiveness. Anything less than that is about breadcrumbs and managing his guilt and possibly keeping you on a string so he can circle back when he gets horny and no one else is around . . . . 3
Author Vixi Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 use me for emotional support -- He ended the relationship. It is completely inappropriate for him to rely on you for that. You did the right thing. If he wants to reconcile and no contact is implemented, he will find you, come to you, get down on one knee and beg and grovel for your forgiveness. Anything less than that is about breadcrumbs and managing his guilt and possibly keeping you on a string so he can circle back when he gets horny and no one else is around . . . . Well that's the problem- I'm not entirely sure that that was the case. The issue is that I'll never know whether he just wanted to use me as a back-up because I pretty much closed the door for good. My therapist didn't urge me to contact him- I wanted to do that. She helped me formulate a response which closes the doors for good but still allowed me to express my feelings about the whole thing. I felt like he just dumped me and I didn't even flinch. I didn't feel good about him thinking that I am so affected that I hate him. I wanted to let him know that I agreed with him, and that I don't want to be his friend. I just didn't wanna prolong the situation...needed closure I guess.
springy Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Trust and believe that you have not closed the door to reconciliation with that text. If he truly wants to reconcile he will let you know. I can't agree with the whole not going no contact thing, because I believe it hinders progress. Any contact with the person who broke your heart is a continual picking at your wound, but that is your choice. Hope you feel better soon. 2
spiderowl Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 It sounds like you expressed things well and let him know you were not going to be hanging around for his convenience. If he really wanted a reconciliation, he could still contact you. Why go back to someone who has hurt you so much though? Whatever his reasons, he still pulled that trigger and he needs to live with the consequences. You deserve someone who is there for you and does not spring something on you like this. Going no-contact really does help to heal, even though it might feel unnatural at the time. It is true that any contact that was not what you really wanted from him would only be picking at a sore and triggering all the pain again. In the midst of all this pain, remember you are a good person who has a lot to offer and with the right fit, things will work out.
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Well that's the problem- I'm not entirely sure that that was the case. The issue is that I'll never know whether he just wanted to use me as a back-up because I pretty much closed the door for good. My therapist didn't urge me to contact him- I wanted to do that. She helped me formulate a response which closes the doors for good but still allowed me to express my feelings about the whole thing. I felt like he just dumped me and I didn't even flinch. I didn't feel good about him thinking that I am so affected that I hate him. I wanted to let him know that I agreed with him, and that I don't want to be his friend. I just didn't wanna prolong the situation...needed closure I guess. You didn't feel good about him thinking that you hate him -- you are not responsible for his thoughts, feelings or emotions. You have no idea what he would be thinking about. Closure comes from within and when you process it to the point of acceptance. You did what you did and here you are still churning over this situation. You didn't get closure. If you had closure, you would be more at peace. you know you have closure when you have peace with a situation. You didn't flinch for 2 possible reasons: 1) You were perhaps a little shocked and numb and/or 2) On some level, you knew and understood that it should end Nevertheless, you should continue to move forward. You've closed the door and you should lock it. It doesn't matter if he might want to come back to you because the relationship was simply not right for you two. And, frankly, if he did come back, I'd say, you'd always be feeling insecure and walking on eggshells wondering if/when it will end again. Don't leave opportunities for bad history to repeat itself.
smudge21 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Your therapist wants to make sure you keep coming back. No contact is the only true way to heal following a breakup. We're giving this advice for free too. Anyway, I get how you feel right now. Taking charge and saying no when your heart is just screaming yes. It's the toughest decision one can make; walking away from something that we want so much. But in reality, they already walked away. All we're doing is grasping hold of whatever remains, hoping that if we keep hold then maybe, just maybe they'll take us back and everything will be great. It's the same when people agree to be friends with an ex. They don't want friendship, they want them back and are only doing so, so that they remain in their lives, orbiting around, living in hope. Yeah walking away hurts like hell, but it is always the right thing to do. If a dumper ever does truly want us back, then they have to repair all the damage they have done. They don't just get a free pass to walk back into our lives like nothing happened. They hurt and destroyed us. Those wounds take time to heal. The dumper should bend over backwards, walk over hot coals, fight lions, tigers and bears to get back with us. We should close the door constantly, reminding them of what they did. We should make it as difficult as possible because only then will we ever know if they truly do want us back. Sadly for the most part, they only want that ego boost and are never truly interested. Push them away a few times and they often are just gone for good. But at least we know the truth... And that's the main thing - seeing an ex for who they really are as opposed to who we want them to be. Right now, you still see this through your rose tinted love specs. He's still on that pedestal you slapped him on. Only through time and healing will you start realising that he really wasn't all that special and definitely wasn't worthy of your love or attention. How could he be if he walked out and left you? Would your true love do that? I know full well how hard it can be to see an ex for who or what they truly are, that's why you need to walk away and stay away. Time heals these wounds very well and then you can truly take back control.
Toodaloo Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 The only thing you have closed the door on is him taking the piddle. Yes you have done the right thing. You wanting reassurance and validation well here it is. Good on you! You have done what so many of us should do but struggle to do! Kiddo you got spunk and balls!
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Despite a lot of advice from friends and you lovely people here, I decided not to go with "no contact". I feel worse now That should tell you all you need to know, and how you need to proceed going forward. If he wanted to reconcile he would be beating your door down. Can you hear him beating your door down? *crickets*
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