Ex and I working on things, but I think someone else in in the picture

[sigurpol]

I've posted about this before (recently) so I'll try to keep this first part short.

 

Ex and I, of about two years, broke up earlier this year. It was mutual, one of those "are we not working anymore?" conversations. Both of us were in jobs that we hated, always irritated, and would take it out on each other.

 

Months went by, we kept in touch with no problems-- openly talked about how we broke up and how things were going. But soon after she starts sending me photos of like, her day. But they were pictures of her out on a date.

 

I didn't get it, didn't respond (it was through an app, not a direct message) and just ignored it. More time went by, and I thought about talking to her about working on things again because I was in a better spot. Was seeing a therapist for stress, got a new job, and brought this up to her. Turns out she had moved on, was in a long distant relationship and the guy was only in town for a week. We talked more overtime until we basically fell back into a relationship, just without the title. But she never TOLD the other guy.

 

For about three months, I waited, asking constantly "are you gonna tell him? what are we doing here?"-- each time she got quiet, kinda shut down, not knowing what to do. I started to blame myself for putting her in this situation, telling her I didn't know if I could do this anymore unless she's not going to really work on us.

 

Finally, she did, she broke up with the guy and I felt a weight come off my shoulders.

 

But now, we're kinda back to our old personalities. I have begun to hate my job, I work alone, at night and have begun to sink back into some depression. My job can't move me on a daylight shift. At the same time, my ex has been working multiple jobs and never has a day off. We probably have 15 hours total to see each other during the week. And when we do, she's either super tired or I am stressed beyond belief. One of the big issues with us was that I have fear of intimacy which can be problematic.

 

I've gotten better with it, by talking it out, have been more comfortable with it. But with my job and being stressed about this relationship and my life overall, I shut down. It sucks, because I wanna be there for her in this department, but it's tough.

 

Anyway, two weeks ago I see a message on her phone. We were watching TV and her phone was on the table. It was from a guy she used to date back in the day, a guy who won't leave her alone. She has always talked about how much she can't stand him, how he treated her like ****, how he sends her photos of him with other girls trying to make her jealous, you name it. The text was something like, calling her attractive or something. I might be completely wrong, I glanced. She took her phone with her moments after to use the bathroom and I saw her in the hallway texting as she went upstairs. So I got paranoid. Plus I thought she didn't like this guy.

 

But, I feel like I'm in this stupid situation where I've convinced myself that this can work and if I make any sudden movements, I'll ruin it. I know that isn't true, but I don't know. Must be abandonment issues or something.

 

We had a talk last week and I asked for the first time in a long time, "what is going on? Are we dating?". Her response was "I don't know, are we?"-- I didn't say much after that and she went into how she's unhappy with her life, how much she works, and she doesn't want to stress about a relationship. She apologized a bunch, asked if this changes anything with us, and I sat there not saying a whole lot other than I don't know, that I just feel really stupid after all of this. Part of me knows she doesn't want mess things up with us, or to lose me, but I feel like this tone has been created in this relationship. If that makes sense.

 

I know she's more talkative with this guy who texted her and I don't know if I bring that up. And with my job and my isolation at work all week, I feel completely alone and this is the last thing I want to deal with. I don't know what to do. I want things to work but I don't want to get burned.

Edited August 18, 2016 by sigurpol
Sensitive details I had to edit out.

[Dork Vader]

This is just my opinion..

 

The guy is only messaging her because she is responding. That or he has serious mental issues and is harassing her. I find it very unlikely that he is harassing her. Typically with texting and conversation, people quit trying when the other person does not respond. So she is likely engaging him at some level or another.

 

That said if she truly "hates" him she would block his number and move on with her life. She would quit communicating with him and responding to any messages she might receive from him.

 

I think at the very least you should tell her how you feel. Just say hey look this kind of thing makes me uncomfortable. I feel like it's inappropriate behavior for an exclusive relationship.

[smackie9]

If you are worried about communicating your concerns to her in fear of "ruining" things, then that would be an indicator this will not work out anyways. Just talk to her about it. If she bails, then it wasn't meant to be.

[kendahke]

One of the big issues with us was that I have fear of intimacy which can be problematic.

 

 

 

You clearly have a lot of things that you needed to resolve before approaching her again, this being chief among them.

 

If you both are so easily falling back into your issues, then you only gave lip service to resolving them. They are nowhere near being sorted for either of you.

 

I'd never have gotten back with an ex without both of us having an extremely clear understanding of the parameters--and I wouldn't have feared hearing what I didn't want to hear or walking away if it meant that I was on solid, unmistakable footing with them.

 

She is receiving texts from someone she claims she can't stand. Think about that. She makes time in her day to text someone she claims she can't stand. People I can't stand have no bearing on my life--I do not deal with them. I block them and really don't care how hurt their feelings get over it. Why? Because I can't stand them, so why would I care how I come across to them?

 

I'd put this down. You two haven't resolved anything and laziness isn't a good enough excuse to keep someone in your life who is entertaining other guys.

 

I don't want to get burned.

 

You're getting burned right now. She's emotionally involved with him on some level--if she weren't, he wouldn't be able to reach her for any reason. Every time she goes off by herself to text him, she's burning you. Drop her off at the mall and keep going. Let her be with him since she's making room in her intimacy for him.

[Versacehottie]

First of all, you sound like a good guy! I totally feel for you in your work situation. That must suck. Unfortunately it sounds like it may be contributing to not being able to have success with this gf. For some reason, I do feel like there is something special between you two. But if you both are falling back into the same rut, it will likely have the same result.

 

I'm not sure specifically how I would recommend dealing with your suspicion about the other guy. I think the most important thing really is to be in a better place to date her. Now that you are "back together" or something like that, I think it's a bit of risk to walk away again. I think you ACTIVELY need to work on and show that you are doing things to improve your work situation and relationship with her. I think you should involve her so she knows your plan. Somehow you need to find energy and enthusiasm for that. It's the way to show her that you are excited about "building" something with her and you have the tools to pull yourself out of a rut, which will make you a more attractive partner. Anyway, you need to do that for yourself anyway.

 

I think you will be in better position to convince her to be official again or be into the relationship if there are signs that it will be different. My personal opinion is to not really deal with the other guy thing just yet. Because it's only a suspicion and you just fell back into things, nothing is really solid with you two. I think you will just come off as insecure and jealous if you do that and you will just have another problem to deal with (in her mind). That said, it would be dumb to just stick your head in the sand if you are fairly sure she is seeing another guy or talking to one behind your back.

 

I just think if you FORCE that issue, you are not really dealing with the bigger issue. I think YOU are losing trust in her ability to stay faithful and interested and SHE is losing trust that you won't be in same "bad" relationship together and ability to pull it together and keep her interested and vice versa. I think first thing you need to do is build that trust: that things will be what she hopes with you and that the relationship will be something to build on. Do you think that is possible now with your current job, living situation?

[Omei]

I just got exhausted reading the first paragraph exs and breaks ups it's always just a mess why not move on and find someone better suited a clean slate for a happy relationship

[sigurpol]

You clearly have a lot of things that you needed to resolve before approaching her again, this being chief among them.

 

If you both are so easily falling back into your issues, then you only gave lip service to resolving them. They are nowhere near being sorted for either of you.

 

I'd never have gotten back with an ex without both of us having an extremely clear understanding of the parameters--and I wouldn't have feared hearing what I didn't want to hear or walking away if it meant that I was on solid, unmistakable footing with them.

 

She is receiving texts from someone she claims she can't stand. Think about that. She makes time in her day to text someone she claims she can't stand. People I can't stand have no bearing on my life--I do not deal with them. I block them and really don't care how hurt their feelings get over it. Why? Because I can't stand them, so why would I care how I come across to them?

 

I'd put this down. You two haven't resolved anything and laziness isn't a good enough excuse to keep someone in your life who is entertaining other guys.

 

 

 

You're getting burned right now. She's emotionally involved with him on some level--if she weren't, he wouldn't be able to reach her for any reason. Every time she goes off by herself to text him, she's burning you. Drop her off at the mall and keep going. Let her be with him since she's making room in her intimacy for him.

 

Good call on the whole, not talking people who you don't like. It's a simple philosophy. And then I dwell into this issue of WHAT is going on now that you're even talking to this guy? I don't get it.

 

One of my biggest faults as a person is waiting too long to do anything about something, I become passive, apathetic, etc. But I'm getting closer and closer to my comfort level of saying to her, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting out of this. I thought this was a collaborative process, working together, but I'm not going through another phase of you talking/confiding in another guy while I'm supposed to wait.

[sigurpol]

This is just my opinion..

 

The guy is only messaging her because she is responding. That or he has serious mental issues and is harassing her. I find it very unlikely that he is harassing her. Typically with texting and conversation, people quit trying when the other person does not respond. So she is likely engaging him at some level or another.

 

That said if she truly "hates" him she would block his number and move on with her life. She would quit communicating with him and responding to any messages she might receive from him.

 

I think at the very least you should tell her how you feel. Just say hey look this kind of thing makes me uncomfortable. I feel like it's inappropriate behavior for an exclusive relationship.

 

Sometimes I think there's a strong element of truth in that. I tried to treat it as "well I know they have a history, we're working on things, and with our schedules we don't have a lot of time together"-- Then I realize how that's unfair. I know we're due for a talk. A talk that either sets up boundaries and moves this forward, or gives me a better view that this is just her buying time. I can't work on things with us when she's talking to an ex, who knows about me and doesn't like me (he has me blocked on different social media sites). Doesn't make sense.

[preraph]

I'm not saying it's easy or fair once you've been exclusive and most people would not sit still for it, but I think she's just decided she wants to date around. Your decision is whether to go along with it. If so, you should date around too.

[friendlyfriend]

Your sense of desperation is pushing you, and that means trouble.

Put this relationship on chill and start to get a good foundation developed with yourself before you add the extra issues of a relationship into the mix.

 

You said that counseling was helping you with your stress, why not move on into addressing the fear of being alone and fear of intimacy. These are not unsolvable problems, but they take some time and commitment to get a handle on them. But very important before going into a serious relationship.

 

You can't cover up your personal issues with a relationship. The thrill of a new relationship may mask it for a short time, but that's it. Then it will twist into something that will bring you right back to your fear of being alone, etc. It also might push you too quickly into a relationship with the wrong person: somebody who is not ready for a healthy relationship. It does take two!

 

Don't panic! Just allow yourself time to set the road straight, by getting good with yourself, before you start driving down the road at 90 miles an hour!

 

She also doesn't seem to be at a stable place to build a healthy relationship either, in my opinion. Don't sell yourself short, you can have great things to look forward to in the future, when the time and situation are right. But, 'pay the price' of giving up immediate gratification for something much better and long lasting. Otherwise, you're very likely to get hurt over and over again.

 

I'm glad you found a place to share and get info. You're on a good track getting yourself in a good place. Don't stop now. There are also good books like "Feeling Good" by David Burns, M.D., and "Self Matters" by Phill McGraw and 'Life Strategies" by him also.

 

Best wishes for your success.

[kendahke]

Good call on the whole, not talking people who you don't like. It's a simple philosophy. And then I dwell into this issue of WHAT is going on now that you're even talking to this guy? I don't get it.

 

Let me help you "get it": she makes time in her life to deal with him. That means she is emotionally invested in him in some way, shape or form.

 

One of my biggest faults as a person is waiting too long to do anything about something, I become passive, apathetic, etc. But I'm getting closer and closer to my comfort level of saying to her, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting out of this. I thought this was a collaborative process, working together, but I'm not going through another phase of you talking/confiding in another guy while I'm supposed to wait.

 

Sweetheart, please get there with a quickness. She's burning you.

[sigurpol]

Providing an update.

 

We talked last night for a bit. I expressed my thoughts and how I was really confused about everything. She was quiet for a little (this was over the phone), and we kinda got into it for a minute. She was saying that she doesn't know what I mean when I say I've been waiting for months, adding that she made this clear that she didn't want to date in the beginning.

 

I told her I wasn't buying that. Not with all the pet names, the weekend plans, the I love you, etc. I also brought up the guy I was suspicious about and said that I'm sure he got broken up with and that he's been looking for you for comfort. She said yeah but said that its "not what you think" and that they don't even talk that much.

 

I said that if this is what she wants, that's fine, but I'm done. She said that's not what she wants, that's she still wants me in her life (only as friends, like it used to be when we originally Broke up) and added that maybe down the line things might work out. Also saying she knows that sounds stupid but she doesn't know what else to do.

 

We sat in silence on the phone for a good 10 minutes. Going back and forth between our feelings. She kept kept apologizing and started to burst into crying. I said that I'm still here for anything she needs, but she went into

How she doesn't want it to be completing her contacting me for whatever reason. I said I didn't know what to do.

 

She texted me today, letting me know she's sorry about everything and D doesn't want hard feelings between us and if I could call her after work. I said I would, that I'm glad she got everything off her chest and not to worry, it's what she wants to do.

 

Sorry if this was written weird, typing from my phone.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you are whipped. She is wiping her feet on you because you are acting like a doormat. She is trapping you into thinking "there could be something down the road".....she just can't handle being alone, so she keeps hooving you back in. You should be done, and go NC.

[sigurpol]

Sorry but you are whipped. She is wiping her feet on you because you are acting like a doormat. She is trapping you into thinking "there could be something down the road".....she just can't handle being alone, so she keeps hooving you back in. You should be done, and go NC.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. It's tough, I know everyone goes through it, I'm just really sad about it is all. Having trouble coming to terms with it.