The curse of the unfinished relationship

[Lees_uk]

I am in a horrid situation, my heart is broken and it seems all to be so unneccesary.

 

I knew her for the last 6 years or so. When we first met (on a camping trip where one of my friends knew one of her friends) we spent about 12 months becoming very close friends. I knew she wanted more, but I was at a time in life where I just couldn't offer it to her. I was about to take a really amazing job in a different country, and had not totally finished dealing with both the emotional and legal ramificati

ons of my marriage ending 18 months before that. She was perfect, but I couldn't offer myself emotionally at that point and knew it, so I turned her advances down before anything more than a single kiss had happened. We remained friends for the next year or so, then gradually drifted apart after I moved. We stayed in just FB friends contact and nothing else. We both had other relationships in the intervening 3 years but she was often on my mind. I tried to settle for a lovely local girl that had all the right things, except I didn't fancy her, so broke that off.

 

Then miraculously L got in touch after meeting someone in the Falklands that had worked with me. We started chatting online (being 8000 miles apart by this point where she had taken a 2 yr contract there). One thing led to another and we had crossed well beyond the line of just friendly flirtation about a month later. I went out to see her and we had an amazing 3 weeks together. The most amazing of my life. We fell in love. It was all just so wonderful. She confided that she'd been thinking about me too all these years, but I had been with someone else. She hated that. I felt the same - it seems we were both never simulataneously single until now. I felt like I had it all. Just the right number of hobbies in common and not, same outlook on life, same wants for the future, same idea of the ideal place and way to settle down. Just like it was before - hugely compatible in every way, including this time sexually. I never felt my heart wrenched out like the day I left and she stood there forever watching me leave, even after I was well out of sight. I could see her standing there crying on the security cameras.

 

Everything seemed fine. I got little cards and parcels and emails and we chatted lots online every day. We Skyped once or twice a week often for a few hours. She always told me she loved me and couldn't wait to see me. I knew she was struggling with the distance. She was finding it so hard to be in an amazing (if remote) place in a great job, but simultaneously wanting to be with me. She didn't want to give up her contract and neither did I want her to. She is a person that puts great stock on being physically with someone, whereas I am more comfortable with the emotional side of stuff and having that connection even if the physical stuff is more sparse, and we had talked about this a lot before deciding to be in a relationship together at such long distance. It was breaking her apart, even though there was only 12 months to go. She sent me an email saying she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't take the pain and it was making her resent having the job of a lifetime. She couldn't cope with only seeing me every 3 months. She felt she wasn't worthy of me. That I deserved better. That she just couldn't do the distance.

 

It happened 7 days before I was due to pick her up at the airport for our planned holiday in the UK for 3 weeks. I replied and explained that we would see each other every 3 months and the time would fly by and then it would be worth it to be together all the time in the UK. That I know she finds thinking about things more than a couple of months ahead difficult (we had talked about this whilst I was there, and I knew this from our years of friendship also), but we would work things out together and I would support her to deal with the commitment fears. She finds anything more than a couple of months away quite scary to plan for. She couldn't cope with me trying to sort out the distance by arranging to go and work out there for 2 months by taking unpaid leave from my job and a short term teaching contract in the Falkland Islands so we could be together. She thought she was just too 'crap at relationships' to take the risk of things going wrong later, even though I know she is not, she has had long term relationships and there was nothing wrong with ours other than the inconvenience of being so far away. I told her nothing has to go wrong, it could also go right. Life without risks is a life of mediocrity and who wants that? She seemed to get in a downward spiral all on her own somehow within 7 days from "I love you and can't wait to see you" to "I'm crap at relationships and I'm not worthy" to "I can't possibly make this relationship work until February when you come here for 2 months, what if it all goes wrong later on" to "It will be so much worse if it goes wrong later on" to "I'd better end it now in case it causes more pain later on." And she didn't talk to me about it, she just kept busy with all the end of term school stuff (she's a science teacher) and people's leaving events etc.

 

We chatted online the next day and she wouldn't respond when I asked her to tell me she doesn't love me and doesn't want me in her life. She just said she does love me, and she's sorry. She hasn't contacted me since, and I have not contacted her other than to exchange belongings by post (total 2 messages with literaly only saying I posted the stuff to the address in UK that she sent me and that mine had arrived) and a single message from me asking if we could meet up face to face to talk and make sure things are amicable before she leaves the UK in another 12 days, which she has ignored.

 

I am torn apart. I know there is no-one else (the Falkland Islands is a tiny population smaller than a village, and I've met most of the population when visiting - they are not of the right demographic for her) and I believe that she has been honest with me. It just seems so damn unfair. And yes, I know that life can be unfair. She didn't tell her family until just now (2 weeks after breaking up) as her sister kept contacting me about stuff.

 

She has a lot going on. Her best and closest 4 friends have just left the Falklands as their contracts are over, her dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer just a few months ago with a prognosis of another 6 months, and I think I was just the easiest thing to cast off at a really stressful time.

 

I am hurting so badly that she won't even talk to me. I don't hate her even though I have now got 3 weeks that should have been with her to fill up with stuff that I don't really want to do, and had to cancel hotels and dinners etc. I love her and want to make sure she is OK. I think she is hurting so badly too. Her sister said she has probably just run away from everything and is too scared to speak to me because she knows she will have hurt me so badly.

 

I don't have a huge number of friends in the area here outside of work, and the work friends are mostly quite superficial friendships. My really close friends are far away, and although one of them is coming to visit next week I feel quite alone. I only have one other close friend here, but they have a pre-school family and hardly any time to give to me, although they have been generous with it last week, and for that I am very grateful.

 

I've planned things, I've started booking a weekend break in Europe for November, I'm continuing the renovation work on my house, walking the dog, and have tried to find some new people to make friends with in the area for hiking/cinema etc, although that is not going to well as my job is quite hardcore (I'm a senior Emergency doctor) with unpredictable shifts and evening and weekend working so joining social clubs is difficult. I also live in a remote rural area without much of the way of events.

 

I feel so isolated and so sad without her in my life. I feel like all the really hard work I've put into the house and my career is kind of a bit of a waste with no-one to share it with, and I don't think on this occasion I've done anything to deserve this, despite wracking my brains for how I am at fault. I've never met anyone who was such a perfect fit for me, and the dating prospects around here if she doesn't come back are pretty dire. I love my job and don't want to move, I can't do the same job anywhere else in the UK (I do a lot of stuff in the mountains here and the precise location of various hospitals and their facilities makes here unique) and need to consolidate the money I've spent on renovating the farm. I feel so stuck and helpless and hopeless. I know I am a good catch. I am financially stable, intelligent, practical, not awful to look at, enthusiastic, loyal, romantic, honest and can manage humour most of the time too. I know that if there were any suitable women in this area in my age group (late 30s) that they might be interested in me. But I am stuck on this one woman.

 

Ho hum.

[smudge21]

That sucks man, I feel your pain. I reckon in life we make major choices, sometimes for our emotional life, other times for our career and financial life. The problem comes when something affects those plans and we are made to decide which is more important. I can't really give you an easy answer or suggest what you should do, as I really wouldn't know what to do myself. I've made sacrifices for career and for women, both of which have ended up being the wrong choices. You just never know and can only go with what you feel is right for you at that precise moment, and whether it works out or not, you just tell yourself that at the time, it was what you wanted more than anything. Regrets are something we all have, no matter what decision you make in your life. I reckon both of you are in the same boat, both wanting one thing but also wanting another, and those two things are so far apart. As I said though, I don't really have an answer and I don't think it would be right to give you one anyway. This is a decision you and only you can make, of how you want to proceed, what is more important, where you want your life to be.. and with who. Wait and see what others say, but you two seem to have come together twice now so maybe third times a charm. Life is like that, you just never know what's going to happen. Hope it all works out.

[Toodaloo]

Walk the dog. Talk to your neighbours. Find the things in life that make you smile.

 

Its not working. She doesn't want you. She is finding every excuse she can to end it.

 

Time to let go.

 

You sound like a great guy that is just a little lost right now.

 

Think of these feelings like a broken leg. It needs to be reset and have time to heal. Principle is exactly the same.

 

Keep chatting.

[Lees_uk]

So I went on yet another social outing this evening, dog walking with 2 women. It was so depressing. It just served to reinforce how lucky I was to find someone that gets me and has the same sense of humour and thinking, likes the same stuff as me, has the same outlook and lifestyle. And how unlucky I am now to not have her in my life. It made me want to cling on as although the two ladies were nice enough, they were nothing in comparison to her. Even as friends.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry, that's a rubbish thing to happen. There is nothing wrong with you other than you fell for a girl who, for whatever reason, didn't stick at it. I hate to say it but if she was madly in love with you, she would have stayed and done her best to end up in a situation where you two could be together. It could be that correspondence since you were together just didn't work out so well and she felt that that initial compatibility was no longer the case. She could have met someone else. All sorts of things could have made her change her mind. If she is cutting off though, then she has sadly ended things.

 

It is a stunning shock to find onesself cast adrift when all seemed right and purposeful. I do know how awful that feels. If she was the one for you, she would have stayed there and continued to build a relationship with you. The right girl will do one day. You will go through a patch of trying to understand and grieving but you will come out the other end maybe with a new strength and perhaps having picked up on the signs that someone is not as invested as you are. I hope you take care of yourself and realise that you have done nothing wrong except love someone. You are a decent person who clearly has a lot to offer the right girl - and she will come along once you have recovered from this.

 

xx

Edited August 19, 2016 by spiderowl

[Toodaloo]

So I went on yet another social outing this evening, dog walking with 2 women. It was so depressing. It just served to reinforce how lucky I was to find someone that gets me and has the same sense of humour and thinking, likes the same stuff as me, has the same outlook and lifestyle. And how unlucky I am now to not have her in my life. It made me want to cling on as although the two ladies were nice enough, they were nothing in comparison to her. Even as friends.

 

Lees. Stop pushing yourself. You are still hurting and still getting over this other girl.

 

Time to just let yourself heal.

 

Remember I said about the broken leg? Well first you have to clean the wounds around the break, reset the bone then wait while nature does its job. You are still cleaning the wounds around the break. You simply can not rush this.

 

When I split up with my ex a few years ago I figured that was that, I was broken. Quite literally. I made some mistakes and was a bit daft but I got through. Slowly I healed and when I did I found a plethora of fantastic people all around me. I found my "sunshine" again. OK so things are still not peaches and cream and I am probably going to have to end it with current beau. But I know that if I give myself time to heal then go out and meet people again that somewhere in all of that I will meet the man of my dreams and cross fingers I will be the girl of his dreams.

 

It is the same for you too. You just have to take your time. Keep walking your dog and pursuing your dreams and somewhere in there she will crop up.

 

It is OK to be hurting. Its OK to be sad. But try to start thinking and planning a life that doesn't involve her. Try it out in your mind. Perhaps a mystery brunette at the opera or perhaps a gorgeous blonde in Waitrose or a stunning red head you have just rescued but is giving you lip as you do!!! Start looking to the future.

[Lees_uk]

Oh I know I have to heal. I didn't go out walking with them to date them, I went there to try and make some more friends and get out of the house. It turns out quite a few that I thought were in the friends category in my life locally have well and truly run away in my hour of need rather than been there for me.

 

It just made me sad that it emphasised all the good things about my ex, about how well we got on, how we had the same sense of humour blah blah to be with these other people that didn't 'get' me at all.

Fortunately today I went for lunch with someone who unexpectedly there for me, and stepped up from the outer ring of acquaintance into the inner ring of friends very solidly. They have been very intuitive about when I have needed help and time, yet not at all intrusive. I am grateful for this new connection and thoroughly enjoyed chatting in a new beautiful lake and mountainside location.

 

Today may be the first day I have felt more positive than negative. The ex can come and get me if she wants. Otherwise her loss.

 

The big question I guess is will she do it in time? She's only in the UK for another 10 days now, I suspect it's going to take a return to her routines to miss me i.e. arriving back there and the daily grind of teaching but without her friends that have now moved away or me as an emotional support; or the death of her father, which doesn't look like it will be anytime soon as he has done well with no signs of cancer since surgery and chemo on his scan today (Ex's sister still asks me to interpret medicalese for her). The statistics suggest he is extremely unlikely to live more than 12 months though. Or possibly she will realise even at the point that she leaves the Falklands at the end of her contract in 12 months. She could also just keep on running away from everything, pretending she wants a committed relationship and to settle down, but never putting in the work to do so. Keep running away from the difficult relationship she has with her parents, running away from God knows what else she is currently scared of. My bets are on that she will run back to FI without so much as a peep at me, realise when she's there she's made a huge mistake but talk herself out of it because she can't see me for over 6 months now, so it would never work anyway.

 

Only time will tell, and I will probably never know.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Lees_uk

[Lees_uk]

Today I feel like crap. The weather is awful - torrential rain and high winds. My tears mirror the rain.

 

I miss her so much. I don't understand. I am so sad and confused. I didn't deserve this ****, yet it appears to be mine. I am desperate to find her, to speak to her, to hold her, to hear her voice or see the little kisses and stupid emoticons on her messages. I thought I would be with her forever. She apparently felt the same way and showed this in her actions too. It is 2 weeks since the fateful day and I do not know how much more of this I can take. I am a man of action, this inaction with regards to her is killing me. I don't know where she is, what she is doing, what she is thinking and I am so used to her sharing these things with me I feel like I have lost a limb.

 

Sure I've been through break ups before. I've had a messy divorce where my wife of just 6 months had an affair with my best friend and work colleague. I got through it. I survived. I've been on both sides of a break up more than once at the ripe old age of 38. It has never hurt like this. I have never felt connected to someone like I did with her.

[smudge21]

I totally get your pain, especially when coming off something similar and swearing to never go there again. Sadly, who you fall in love with is often out of your hands. It just happens. You can't force yourself to heal or feel better, it will happen when it happens (I would guess you know this but it's hard to accept when you're dealing with it). Sadly I still think that this hurts more as it feels like you were both pushed apart. However, re-reading it through, it was still her making the decisions. In that case, you can't force her to make a different choice. All you can do is do what is best for you right now to make you feel better. If she is to come back, that will be up to her. All you can do is be strong and get back to being the person you were before she came along. Believe I know how hard that can be - 6 months for me and I still occasionally feel a bit down. It's just something we have to face and work through. I too thought I'd met someone who was perfect for me - turned out she couldn't care less and dumped me in a heartbeat. All I could do is face the pain and work through it, day by day. Only once the feelings and emotion had gone did I realise that she was never right for me... if she was, she'd still be here.

[Lees_uk]

So today I am off to a car boot sale in the rain, then walk with colleagues and then if I'm back in time the cinema. I don't really feel like doing any of it.

 

I woke at 4am , boo hissss. Couldn't stop thinking about what has happened and replaying it all in my head. I reread the break up email, my response and the messenger conversation the following day and that made me feel better because I didn't lose my ****. I maintained my self respect. I didn't at any point beg or plead. I laid out the cards as they are........"I love you and I want to be in this and make it work but I can't decide for you. You must choose whether you want to do the personal work to be in a committed relationship, whether 12 months of distance is worth the end result of being together all the time. If you choose to do it then I will support you, and we can work on this together, but it is your decision, and if you choose not to do the work I will not be here either."

 

She chose to walk away and I have respected that so far. Well done me. I don't feel any need to contact her really, but I do long for this purgatory roller coaster to be over. I desperately want her to contact me, but I know it's going to take time for her to think about this stuff and get her **** together if she is going to. I guess there's a difference between a want and a need. I want, not need. There would be no chance at reconciliation either in close proximity or long distance if she doesn't address her commitment problem.

[leghorn23]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar situation with my ex of 6 years. I guess all I can say is that it will pass. I've since found the love of my life, and could simply not be happier. It sounds cheesy, but the adage is true: time heals all. Just hang in there.

[fromheart]

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

One thing stood out to me that she said, 'I'm crap at relationships, and I'm not worthy.' This is her mind set right now.

 

I say this time and time again to people. If someone tells you they are not in a good mental place for a relationship, run like the wind. The trouble you'll get otherwise will eat into your life.

 

That's not to say that she will never be in a good place for a relationship. This doesn't have to be the end, but it is the end for now. But you've known each other for a long time, so keep it open.

 

You're saying that you need a woman to fill your life; fill your life first. This is so important. You've got a good job there, still young, your own home. That's alot to be happy about.

Try not to let yourself get tied down so quickly, those first few years with someone is to get to know them better and have fun along the way. No need to make them an integral part of your happiness and home too soon, especially if she's clearly pointing out that she's not ready for a relationship.

 

Use this time to get fully content within yourself, and enjoy what you have.

[Toodaloo]

Pretty horrid weekend for you then Lees.

 

Well, you will get those. Gradually it will get better.

 

People are weird. Some deal with things, some don't. Its like when someone is dying or has had a terrible accident. Most just don't know what to say. I remember when I was in danger of loosing my legs I lost most of my friends. It wasn't until a surgeon managed to repair them that they came back. I felt very alone. Truth is that they had no clue what to say or do to make it any better so they just went quiet. Most are not brave enough to roll up their sleeves and get in with the muck. Emotions and the turmoil of a break up is muck.

 

What I have learnt from experiences like those is not to judge. The other friends will come back as you recover.

 

Fromheart is right. Your happiness should never be another persons' responsibility. Its yours. So right now you need to do the things that make you happy. You need to be firm with yourself and keep the basics of looking after yourself up and together.

 

She did choose to walk away. That is nothing to do with you. It was probably just a mismatch that she could see but you couldn't. Happens all the time. Every day.

 

Keep going. Give yourself time and try not to be angry with others. Be good to yourself and keep moving forward.

[preraph]

I know for me, no man came before my career during the time I had my dream career. She had to move on and follow her path. Now, maybe somewhere down the line your paths will cross again and things will fall into place -- but don't wait. Date and keep busy. You know, we can't always live with the ones we love, for a variety of reasons. But sometimes people keep crossing our path and we have to just accept it for what it is. Good luck.

[Toodaloo]

Any news on how you are doing now Lees?