WoolieBird Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Hello everyone. I have been separated almost a week now and have been struggling with the loneliness so thought i would give a forum a go to speak with some like minded people. I'm a 36 year old mum and have 3 children with my husband. We haven't really had a marriage for quite some time and things have been on the rocks even longer. He was an excessive gamer who played every minute day and night when he wasn't working so I've basically been a single parent for quite a while. I guess I'm no where near alone with all of this but thought it may help to speak with others like myself xxx
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) Hello everyone. I have been separated almost a week now and have been struggling with the loneliness so thought i would give a forum a go to speak with some like minded people. I'm a 36 year old mum and have 3 children with my husband. We haven't really had a marriage for quite some time and things have been on the rocks even longer. He was an excessive gamer who played every minute day and night when he wasn't working so I've basically been a single parent for quite a while. I guess I'm no where near alone with all of this but thought it may help to speak with others like myself xxx I'm sorry WollieBird that you are experiencing this. I, and many on this board know the joy of getting married, having kids, and sharing our lives with another person. But we also experienced the emotional shock when our spouse no longer wants to work on honoring their marriage vow. There's no quick fix to overcoming this, but you can do it. Loneliness, even with children and others around, is real. I experienced it for many months, but was able to overcome those dark days. You were married for X number of years. He was your husband!! And now he isn't there, so you will feel emptiness and loneliness. But Time does heal, along with surrounding yourself with family, friends, keeping busy, etc. I'm sure others will offer tidbits, and there are stories online here to help you through this. Continue to post as you are able. Edited August 18, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966 grammar correction
Mr. Lucky Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 We haven't really had a marriage for quite some time and things have been on the rocks even longer. He was an excessive gamer who played every minute day and night when he wasn't working so I've basically been a single parent for quite a while. What steps have you taken to try and address the issues in your marriage? With 3 kids, lots at stake... Mr. Lucky 1
Angelica21 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Dear WoolieBird, Yes, separation and divorce produce a lot of lonely feelings, and a whole range of other emotional reactions. Move forward with the divorce, and focus on your children, your family and your friends to try to combat the loneliness. 1
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 What steps have you taken to try and address the issues in your marriage? With 3 kids, lots at stake... Mr. Lucky You are correct, Mr. Lucky!! There is so much at stake. My reply was making it sound so final. I'm still legally married, but have been separated for a few years. Once my "ex" moved out, I considered myself divorced even though I did not get a piece of paper from the court house. And I have 6 kids that all still live with me, so I know what is at stake; It seemed overwhelming at first, but being Mr. Mom has worked out A-ok for the past few years. It just seems that once a person is willing to separate, there's not a whole left to do. Especially one that is willing to walk away from spouse and kids!! I'm not against marriage counseling and trying to make things work, so I do hope the best for WoolieBird. In my case, I wasted a lot of time and marriage-counseling money trying to make it work, and I also heaped extra emotional guilt onto myself thinking that I could have done more!! My guess, and I could be wrong, but it seems that WoolieBird is the one that has tried to make this marriage work, but her husband has chosen to check out and live without his Beloved Bride and 3 children!! WoolieBird is facing loneliness and maybe some guilt too on top of the emotional roller coaster. So, when you read all of the replies, WoolieBird, just know that many good people are here to give you encouragement whether you and husband can make this work or not.
aj2124 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I understand that realization that you can be married and still feel like a single parent. What are your biggest fears during this period of separation? What are you goals during this time? I'm praying for you and your children while you are in this time of adjustment. 1
Author WoolieBird Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 Thank you so much to everyone for your replies. We have been married just 7 years and i guess in comparison to some marriages it isn't all that long but it feels long to us. Mr Lucky - I think all of our problems started when our twin girls were born honestly. We also had our son who was just 11 months old when they were born. (That's what you get for planning two close together lol). It was a rough first 3 months and i have to say he was very supportive in the early days. He took time off to help with the kids and house. By the time the twins were 5-6 months he went back to work but was only there a month before an old back injury put him off work. When he was able to take care of the kids and house we agreed i would go back to work to keep the family afloat and he would take care of the children at home. I found i was working a 9-10 hour day and coming home to clean house as well as he wasn't doing his part. This continued for several months until ironically i had a workplace accident and hurt my right shoulder, neck and upper back. I tried to work for the month after and had to eventually give my job away. He didn't like the fact that he would have to return to work and things got real bad. He threatened to leave me and put me down verbally. I did end up leaving myself and staying at my fathers for two weeks before returning home. Since then there have been a lot of arguments and name calling, yes he even hit me a few times and so on. I stayed through the whole thing, the physical and verbal trying to make it work, because we had three children. I think in the last 6 months i checked out of the marriage just as much as him. I have tried suggesting counselling, date nights, holidays with just the two of us, family timetables, everything i could think of. I tried being the good wife and doing the chores and house completely myself and let him have his 'down time' to make him happy (his words). Nothing ever worked. The day he left we had a small argument, not even big and he walked. It almost felt premeditated to me, i don't know. I don't see any hope of getting together again. Even from my end of things i have taken him back so many times and it never works. Plus the abuse has to stop. I'm not saying i was perfect but i certainly didn't turn to name calling, physical and what not. Sorry this is so long, i just wanted to give you all a bigger picture here. Thank you to all of your replies, i do appreciate it and all the advice too.
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 The day he left we had a small argument, not even big and he walked. It almost felt premeditated to me, i don't know. WoolieBird, I'm sorry about your situation, and my guess was correct that you have been trying to work on the marriage, but your husband has chosen to check out. Unfortunately, the ending of relationships have a general path that they seem to take. There seems to always be one partner that wants to leave, but they can't leave someone they love. So....things begin to go downhill. And when they do finally leave/separate --- the left behind spouse is filled with guilt, filled with "I could have done more" or "I should not have said this or that" and they would still be here. On top of the loss of our spouse, then there's the guilt that tends to play on our minds. My guess is that your husband wanted to leave. He is tired of being a husband and a father for now. Of course, I'm just comparing to what my wife did. And she left her marriage and our 6 kids. She was tired of being a wife and a mother. It took me a long time to really understand and accept that this was her desire. Once I really knew that she preferred to leave and live on her own, I was able to begin the process of moving on. Google the book Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. Even if you can't get a cheap used copy, at least read the comment section Maybe it will help you. I truly hope the best for you and your kids during this time.
preraph Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Realistically, sounds like you were lonely in the marriage and just still lonely now you're separated due to his irresponsible and childish game addiction. Please just know you're sending the right message to the kids about what is acceptable and what isn't and that we all have responsibilities and can't just skate through life. You're teaching your daughter not to just stay and put up with someone when they'd be better off without them. And teaching your son to not be like their dad if they want a happy marriage. Meanwhile, take this opportunity to limit the time the kids play games to strengthen that message and make them live more in reality than fantasy. 1
rainbowchaser Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Hi Wooliebird, Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I recently left my husband of 16 years - I was tired of playing the single parent and getting no support. It's a really lonely place to be when you are used to having someone come home every night to just get out some complaints or funny stories of the day. I have been totally alone now for several months (a long story) but hoping my kids and I will be reunited soon. It's very lonely. I spend my week at work trying to hold myself together, and the weekends, I spend at home alone crying. I left my husband because I honestly believed I would be happier without him. I don't miss him per se - just the notion of family - regardless of how dysfunctional ours was. I can't really offer any words of advice, just words of support. We're not the first to be here and I can only hope it gets better. Hang in there!
desertfunguy Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 You have nothing to be ashamed of. If a man is hitting his wife, then there is nothing to do but leave him. I am a man, and would never in a million years even dream of hurting my wife or kids. I think men like this are just monsters. I also cannot imagine walking out on 3 kids so easily. I would fight through quicksand to be with my kids. We will all be supportive of the decisions you make. Once he became violent with you, your obligation to him ceased to exist, in my view. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a place where we could all meet sit on loungers and talk this through.
Dan1977 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 I'm here and share your pain, I think we all do in our ways. Am here for the same reason at least, so happy to talk. My marriage is ending after only 6 months in, I feel failure as a man, and it is frustrating and lonely to be back here on my own when I thought she would never be/do that and I was safe.
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