I wish I'd been wrong

[Leyatres]

Today was a day I never thought would happen again. My boyfriend of 6 years has decided he wants to break up with me.

 

I'm heartbroken and I have no illusions that we are both at fault, but I am having a hard time coping.

 

We spoke about things today and I'd like to say that we are both bad at communication and this is probably one of the big factors. I'm currently struggling financially and I am behind in helping him share bill payments, though I am able to pay rent. I am working on getting caught up but this was one of his issues. He also mentioned that he cannot "deal" with my anxiety and depression, though I will be attempting to receive help after fighting the battle on my own for years due to my stubbornness and inability to pay for any sort of therapy/medication. There were other "little things" like not being able to agree on certain topics (he gave no examples in particular) and apparently had been trying to "make the relationship work" for years now, with me not knowing how he felt.

 

I feel crushed that I made him uncomfortable and unhappy for so long, but I am also deeply hurt that he would be so quick to throw 6 years away without even trying to work things out. I know conversation is practically #1 in a relationship, and all I want is to be given a chance to make myself someone he can be proud and happy to call his girlfriend. Before having to leave the house, he said we could talk about it when he got back, so I am hoping that he will give me that chance.

 

I'd like to note this has happened before, about 4 years ago, when "little things" built up so much with him that he broke up with me for about 2 weeks before asking for a second chance.

 

I feel like he is "it" for me, and I'm absolutely devastated right now. This is my first real relationship that I felt loved and fell in love in, so I don't have much experience with moving on should I need to. We live together and I have nowhere to go if we break up, and I don't think I could live with someone that I make uncomfortable.

 

I am not the best person (To be honest I don't consider myself anything special) and I have very low self esteem of myself because of how I look, but I'd give anything to prove I can be better.

 

Would anyone be able to offer advice on what to do when he returns to talk? Should I make a list? I would not mind words of comfort or encouragement, but I would much rather have advice. I'm not looking to play the victim though I am hurting very badly, I would rather disappear than have him be unhappy.

[JewelD]

I honestly think people with low self esteem will always have difficulty in relationships until they deal with it. You are better off single.

 

He's already broken up with you once, now he's done it again. That's inconsistent and you'll always be walking on eggshells trying to please him.

 

You shouldn't stay with him just because you think you have nowhere else to go and he's the end all be all. You don't need this man for survival and he's not the only man that can make you happy. That's the low self esteem and insecurity talking.

 

How can you be the best person for him or anyone when you don't love yourself? You can't.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything to him. You do not have to beg for a man to want to be with you. It won't work anyway. Not for long. Time to start looking for a new place.

[Bialy]

It sounds like you have stayed with him this long largely because you are financially dependent on him and grew complacent.

 

Why aren't you proactive about your mental health? Why did you think it's ok for him to deal with your unmedicated anxiety and depression? You didn't even seek out professional help for years. I'm surprised he tolerated this reluctance for this long. AND he even got back together with you once already and gave you the benefit of the doubt.

 

He's not "quick to throw away" this six year relationship --- it sounds like you stopped caring and pulling your weight in the relationship, IMO.

 

WORK ON YOU! Be PROACTIVE about your mental, physical, and financial health.

 

This hurts, but the only way you're going to get out of your rut is to start back at Square One.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Bialy

[Leyatres]

It sounds like you have stayed with him this long largely because you are financially dependent on him and grew complacent.

 

We only started living together in February (through his suggestion), before I was living on my own - I had a medical crisis that landed me paying off a loan for the next couple of years. I am not in such a large amount of debt with him that it would be impossible to pay back, but I have stumbled in the past couple months. I honestly am very uncomfortable owing him money and I am doing everything I can to make sure I can get back on even ground.

 

Why aren't you proactive about your mental health? Why did you think it's ok for him to deal with your unmedicated anxiety and depression? You didn't even seek out professional help for years. I'm surprised he tolerated this reluctance for this long. AND he even got back together with you once already and gave you the benefit of the doubt.

 

I never said it was ok for him to deal with it, but he's never wanted to try and understand my disorders, which he knew about when he first started dating me. I admit I waited a long time to seek help, which is why I'm trying now. As to him getting back together with me, he may have broken up with me, but he also was the one that wanted a second chance.

 

He's not "quick to throw away" this six year relationship --- it sounds like you stopped caring and pulling your weight in the relationship, IMO.

 

I have always tried to be supportive of him. He tends to become very immersed in whatever new thing he is doing (for example, a new video game) for months on end, and while I couldn't always enjoy the activity with him, I was okay with this fact. I always tried to find things we could enjoy together, but he is not as much of a fan of things like going to see a movie or enjoy some sort of outside activity (we had talked about going fishing or making small road trips from time to time, so it's not that he was completely adverse to it) and is not a big fan of even holding hands in public (I understand things like not wanting to make out in public, but not even holding hands..). I know I am not perfect, but there have been times that I felt like I was the only one trying.

 

In my previous post I mentioned wishing that he'd have come to me about his problems instead of letting them get bottled up, and I know I should have done so too, but I want to make this work and I'm trying to take steps toward becoming a better person.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you are facing this situation now and I know how hurtful it must be.

 

You say you and he are not good at communicating. Does this mean that neither of you talk about issues until you are on the point of splitting up? If so, this could be the only way of bringing issues out into the open. Only you would know really if he has tried to talk about these things before.

 

It sounds like you have been struggling. Anxiety and depression make life hard. Battling them makes life hard. Quite often there seems to be very little help available too. I can understand where you are coming from with that. You need someone supportive not critical. Having said that, it is also easy to lean on someone and expect them to do the coping for you. I'm not saying you were doing this, but I have known it to happen. One person does all the 'work' in the world and the other shelters behind them.

 

Low self-esteem does not help because in the main it can feel like the other person has more to offer and yet it is often not the case. They might have more money or confidence or whatever, but you also have a lot to offer. I am tempted to say stand up to him and leave rather than put up with him finishing with you more than once like this, but I realise it might not be so simple for you if you are currently dependent on him. You would need a plan and means to get out. I am so sorry you are in this position. I feel he would respect you more if he realised you weren't simply going to accept his interpretation of events. I would not do anything that suggests you deserve any of this or that you have failed him. It sounds like you think you have. What has he done that is so brilliant? Have you loved and cared for him?

 

I think you both need to come to some agreement as to how this split can be made if it is going to happen. It might be an idea to move out and stay with family (if possible) rather than have a drawn-out uncomfortable situation. It would also he has to face the reality of losing you too, not just stand and complain and wait for you to try to make up with him. Having self respect and putting yourself first at this point might be what is needed to rebalance things between you. If a man is doing this though, then he is not a good prospect for the long term, even if he does seem to change his mind about you leaving.

Edited August 18, 2016 by spiderowl

[Bialy]

Ley,

 

Thanks for adding the extra context. It sounds like there are also fundamental compatibility issues and a lack of compromise on his part. It sounds like he has been complacent himself and lets things build up inside. Is it fair to say that after 6 years as a couple, there are more bad/unsteady times than good?

 

Don't be afraid of change! It could be that after 6 years, you two have grown out of each other. And that's fine. Even though you might be scared of a life without him -- this might end up being a very good thing for you emotionally and in the long term.

 

Think about it this way -- your self-esteem will have an opportunity to rebuild itself and heal after years of uncertainty. It needs time to heal. You both seem to be looking for different expectations. You need someone who is communicative, compassionate, and who would love you enough to truly share a life with you. A GOOD relationship doesn't hurt your self-esteem - it should make you feel at ease and loved.

 

Going through a breakup is hard! BUT don't see it as a bad thing. This could very well be the event that sets you on a better path. One step at a time.

[Nelli Gardens]

Hi. Your relationship is akin white elephant. In my country we have good phrase "your man (or woman) like good suitcase without handle - too heavy bear it and a pity to throw away".

On the one hand its affection, I say affection because doubting about love.

On the other hand absence common objectives and mutual understanding.

I think you must ask yourself - What do you expect from him, from your relationship and from yourself.

[stillafool]

 

 

I feel crushed that I made him uncomfortable and unhappy for so long, but I am also deeply hurt that he would be so quick to throw 6 years away without even trying to work things out. I know conversation is practically #1 in a relationship, and all I want is to be given a chance to make myself someone he can be proud and happy to call his girlfriend.

 

I'd like to note this has happened before, about 4 years ago, when "little things" built up so much with him that he broke up with me for about 2 weeks before asking for a second chance.

 

 

I would think in 6 years you have had plenty of time to make yourself someone he can be proud of. Especially since you went through this 4 years ago. What have you been doing to improve yourself? It is really depressing to be with someone with constant anxiety and depression. What are you doing about this?

[Lees_uk]

It sucks. I feel for you as my heart is broken right now too, so I really do understand your pain. But this is an opportunity to work on yourself. You are the most important thing right now. Keep your plans for self improvement. If he wants to be around to see that, then he can. If not, then he won't and will miss out if you make yourself fabulous. Someone else will notice your fabulousness. None of us can control anyone else's feelings, we just have to make ourselves as great as possible and hope someone chooses it.

 

If you do sit down together and agree to consider working it out I would say you both need to figure out what you want v what you need in a relationship and see if both sides can be accomodated. If there are NEEDS that can't be met on either side then better to pick yourself up and get moving on along.

 

All the best friend.

[asphyxis]

This broke my heart to read because I too, have anxiety and depression. It's hard enough to battle alone, and it's even more difficult for a significant other. In my case, my ex was highly insecure and suffered from social anxiety. Although I also suspect he had depression. He never seeked treatment because it "only happened during the winter". It's been a month and a half since my break up, and I've felt better although it hurts like ***.

 

Take this time to work on yourself, and from the looks and sound of it, you really need to dive in deep. My ex broke up with me 6 months prior, and we tried to get back together only for him to break it off again. 6 years is plenty of time to feel valued as a girlfriend, and if you feel under appreciated, chances are, the relationship wasn't as glorified as you thought. A relationship takes 2 people, and while I thought in my eyes, my ex was perfect, I know what issues he brought to the relationship. Sometimes, you just aren't compatible no matter how much you care for someone else.

 

Set goals for yourself. What are some things that you wanted to do that you couldn't in your relationship? What are some things that you struggled with? Talk to yourself how you would want to be talked to, be gentle on yourself, you're already dealing with enough. Give him his space, and set the standard high if he does decide he wants to rekindle things. Use this forum to your advantage.