Autumn_101 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Hi all, Just want to thank everyone in advance for taking out the time to read my post. When I was 19, I met a guy (first relationship ever) who I immediately fell in love with. I was sure I wanted to marry him and everything felt perfect. Within 2-3 months, I had told my mom about him - however, my mom disapproved right away and advised me against the relationship. The reason my mom advised me against it, was that my bf had bad health issues. He was a smoker, had insulin dependent diabetes, was having seizures - and wasn't very proactive about his health. My mom did not feel I was ready for a huge responsibility like that and felt I should not settle. I was in love, however, so I continued to stay with him for a total of 2 years. Throughout the 2 years, I kept fighting with my parents to let me marry him - but they just wouldn't agree. I didn't feel I could go against my parents, and understood their concerns to a degree - so I swallowed the bitter pill of letting him go. Understandably, he was devastated. I, being the stupid 21 year old, that I was at the time pursued a rebound relationship - that lasted for 2 years - hoping to get over my ex. Over time, the rebound turned into a serious relationship, however, I always found myself pining over my ex and feeling guilty for letting him go. I also felt that I had never properly apologized to him for my actions. I also want to make a note that my rebound bf was extremely abusive - so being in the relationship was hell. Despite his abuse, I agreed to get engaged to him. But right before the engagement I contacted my ex - I told my ex how sorry I was for letting him go, and that I had suffered for that by being in an abusive relationship. My ex bf accepted the apology and advised me against the engagement but at the time I could not think straight. I got engaged to the abusive guy, but the engagement only lasted 2 months until I could no longer take it. My ex bf found out that my engagement ended, and started speaking to me again. I was a complete mental and emotional mess after the abusive relationship, and my ex-bf offered support in helping me heal. At the time my ex and I started talking again, my ex asked me if we would ever get back. I told him I would want to, but I had a lot of healing to do before I could jump back into another relationship. I told my ex how guilty I had felt for my actions and got what I deserved. He offered my undeniable support until about 4 months ago when he started seriously asking me if we would get back. I told him I wanted to get back but my parents would have the same concerns, and ON TOP of that, my ex told me how his family completely hated me for the way I broke up with him. So now, I was nervous. I wasn't sure if it was the best thing to get back with him or not. There would be a lot of hostility between the families - and coming from the culture I come from, marriage is more about two families coming together than two people. As a result, I told him that until I knew his family would accept me, it would be difficult for me to marry him. So he told me that I would have to work hard to 'win' them back...this gave me anxiety. Coming from dealing with so much abuse already, I wasn't sure if I was ready to be abused by another family (especially because my ex wanted us to live with his parents - it's a cultural thing). So anyway... I was still in the process of figuring all this out - until last week! My ex asks to meet up, and tells me he has given up on us and there's no hope - so he has decided to marry his best friend! I mean what! I know I messed up, I know I am a horrible person for letting him go in the first place...but that one just hit me like a truck. I wasn't ready to hear that. Here I was still figuring out on ways to make things work with him again, and he decided to marry his best-friend within a matter of days. I am very heart-broken. I feel like everything is all my fault. I'm resenting my parents, I'm self-loathing, I feel so so so guilty. I don't know how to process this or accept this. I had just gotten over the abuse from my ex-fiance, and now... the person who I couldn't get out of my head for the past 5 years is marrying his best friend because he feels him and I will never work out?
LD1990 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 No, you're not a horrible person. You're young, this guy's young, and you both sound immature with how much importance you place on your parents' opinions. This is your life. You only get one, and your mother already has hers. I can understand caring about what your parents think, but you're going to be miserable if you let them make decisions for you. Do you want to look back in 30 years and wonder what might have been if you had the courage to do what you wanted, instead of what your mother wanted? Now, all this nonsense about you "winning your ex's family back" is absolutely ridiculous. My ex and I had some bad arguments, some of which her family knew about. I sure as hell never felt the need to go make sure everything was OK with them. Why? Because those arguments were between me and my ex. Your breakup was between you and your ex. If you two sort it out, his family and yours should just accept that and be happy for you. Regarding your situation now, I think you need to just take time to work on your life and give your ex space. He's probably at a difficult point in his life, too, he's just approaching it in the worst possible way. Work on yourself and gaining some independence, you'll be a lot happier when you're not under your family's thumb. 1
2GraceFull Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Autumn, You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Seems as if these men have been using your good nature to take advantage of. I know it hurts right now but to tell you the truth it sounds as if you have been saved from not one but two disasterous relationships. You have such a forgiving nature and seem to be a very smart young lady. Why not think about yourself for awhile? Why not do something good for YOU? Are you in college or do you work? Be more active in your community or attend church if you don't already. Hang out with your friends and do some fun things. Sounds like your parents only want the best for you. And they love you more than any one else. Enjoy life and find yourself. Don't allow anyone else to be abusive to you. No one deserves abuse. And abuse comes in many more ways than physical, but mentally abusive and sexually abusive. Seems like you have experienced at least the first two. Take care of yourself and love yourself.
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