Madie Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 I just broke up with my ex last night. I couldn't take things anymore. And this is why ... I was diagnosed with a incurable lung illness last year and at that time I was going through a terrible time with my ex. He was posted to another state to work for 3 months and eventually one day, he said he didnt want the relationship anymore because he doesnt feel anything for me anymore. And, typical me, I beg and pleaded, he gave me 3 months. It was that 3 months I was diagnosed with the illness. Docs said I didnt surgery or I would died. So he panicked and said he loved me and made a vow to God that he would never leave me and would loved me until the day I died. That was last year. Last month, he said he was falling in love with me all over again. And he wanted to be with me. Then 2 weeks after, we had a slight argument, he said he doesnt, dont want and cant love me anymore. And those time when he said he loved me was just to make him happy. And he said the vow he made to God was my forcing. It was his idea to do it. I NEVER asked him to make that vow. So now, I'm to blame for everything. I have been with him for 6 years. Now he does this to me. I know we both have our misunderstandings but it feels like he's abandoning me. He said awful things to me. Said he never loved me, all was to make me happy. Funnily enough, he has sacrifice and done a lot of things for me that he has never done for anyone else. And even now, he insists that I take his money to support my medical expenses. Which is 2000 bucks every month. He doesnt earn that much and most of the time, at the end of the month, he has 100 bucks left on him. If he doesnt and never loved me, would he do all that for me ? And last week, I was hospitalised for a week and after I was discharged, he didnt want to see me. And when he did, he didnt smile even. He doesnt miss me at all. And last night, I snapped when we were out for a movie and he saw his colleagues there, he smiled. And when I'm supposed to be his girlfriend and he didnt smile after a week without seeing me. So I told him I had enough. I do love him very much but he's giving me a lot of crap. Mixed signals. My friends said that he doesnt even realise how much he loves me and he will regret after I'm gone. I've been given 9 months more to live and when I told him that, he said 'I dont know anymore. You got to take care of yourself'. I do want him back but he seems to be blocking any emotions he has for me. Even making himslef to believe he never loved me. I've cried buckets today just feeling how sucky all this feels. Please comment. I need some feedback. Thanks.
smile95 Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 I am so sorry for your situation. My prayers are with you. As for the boyfriend...sounds like he is scared of dealing with this and his only way to cope is to run. When he goes back and forth, he probably does love you but does not know how to handle this situation. Maybe it is best that you split. This rollercoaster he puts you on cannot be amking you feel any better. I wish you the best!
lindya Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Please, please discuss the way you're feeling with a counsellor - or perhaps a spritual leader if you follow a particular religion. It's vital for you to be surrounded by psychologically strong people who will help you to create a sense of peace and acceptance in your life. It's extremely useful that your boyfriend is meeting the expenses of your medical care. However disappointing his other actions, I can tell you that it's not every boyfriend or ex-boyfriend who would do that. In a sense, he hasn't abandoned you completely - but sadly he's unable to give you the emotional support you so badly need. I would urge you to accept that sort of support from others (friends, family and professionals) who will be happy and able to offer it.
Lonestar Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about this and you are very brave. I've no idea how I would handle being told I had nine months left to live, but you need to change the way you look at things. You're dying, and there is no reason why you should spend the rest of your short life with someone who can't be there for you. You should die happy, not miserable. It's obvious that the stress of your illness is something your boyfriend just can't handle. Some people are very mature and supportive, others are completely unable to deal with someone else's problems because the stress it causes them its too much to deal with. I'm sure he loves and cares about you in his own way, but it seems like he's hanging on out of guilt, and also suffereing from his own fears of the day you're actually gone. You need to forgive him for the way he is and pull away from him now. I understand not wanting to die alone, but I'm guessing there are other people out there who love you and who you can spend your final days with. People who care and people who will make you happy. Turn to your family and friends to fill your time and your heart. Strengthen your relationships with them and live every day like it may be your last. You have no time to waste with anyone who causes you misery. Hugs to you.
Author Madie Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 I feel sad cos when he left he didnt at least said bye and give a hug. Or something. Even after 6 years. I dont want to use my illness or me dying as something to hold him on to me. Seems unfair for me to do so. Sometimes I feel bitter, sometimes I feel pity for him. Sometimes I just hate myself. I told him I didnt blame him for his inability to love me properly and be there for me. He used to come up every night to see me in the expense of his work. On top of that, he didnt have much time for himself. I think he felt pressured and fear that he couldnt cope with having a sick and dying girlfriend. I wished him all happiness but I'm devastated. Because I dont know how to cope with the break-up. I asked myself, why cant I be normal ?
markraine Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Your situation is one beyond description, it seems the guy was really scared off by your situation. I can't express how sorry I am, I can't try to say anything to make things better because nobody can understand the situation you are in. I just wanted to say that I will pray for you, whether or not that means anything to you, to me I believe in the power of God, that if nothing else, you will be in peace with Him. I just praise for being such a strong young woman, you've been thrown the ultimate curve and the fact that you're here shows you strength. I find it amazing and wish you nothing but peace and love............keep your head up, I will do as I promise and hopefully Jesus will watch over you and bring you into the Kingdom of his Father. God Bless you.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 I have tears in my eyes reading your post...more so because I'm trying to imagine the gravity of the situation you are in.. All I can do is offer a few words which would hopefully make you feel better. And the first thing I must say is that you are are an amazingly brave person, and if you manage to make the most of yourself now, you've conquered it all. There are so many things that would make you go into despair at the moment...and the breakup couldn't have been at a worse time. Maybe your boyfriend does feel scared and unable to deal with the situation. I agree with Lonestar's observation that some people are just not strong or mature enough to deal with it - they would rather pull away from the situation. But it's not something you can change, like so many things. I know how much a person needs their loved one when they're really ill - and how emotionally vulnerable they are. Someone in my immediate family, whom I'm the closest to, suffers from multiple illnesses - not fatal in themselves, but totally debilitating. And I know how difficult it is for the person as well as those around them. And it takes great strength on both sides to endure and survive the situation. And ironically, it's during the saddest times that you really begin to see the lighter side of life - and wonder if it's all really as important as we make it out to be. Words from my relative - "What I can do, is important; what I cannot do is immaterial". It's at such times that you see that the greatest pleasures in life are the simplest ones - like enjoying a hearty big meal!! Or listening to your favorite song. And, believe it or not, it sharpens your sense of humor - people with the best sense of humor are those who've been through real tough stuff. Take all your time to indulge yourself, be with your family and close friends as much as you can. Remember to smile into the mirror everyday, a good laugh a day is even better! Oh well..I'm just rambling on...I know it's actually much tougher to cope. But like I mentioned, you have to conquer. God bless you. I wish you the best - sending across hugs your way...
Candy Cane Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Hi Madie, I just have a few thoughts on the subject that might help. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for you now. You have a lot of courage and I will keep you in my prayers. Your situation is very difficult and you probably should seek some professional advice on the subject. Time is very precious for you so you need some very good advice....but I'll give you my take on it too. Unfortunately, he's not dealing with things very well. Who knows exactly what is going on in his mind. And it is also unfortunate that he is making things worse by dumping his problems on you on your time of need. But...what can you do? You have to deal. I'd say...if you really want to be with him during this time that you call him and tell him that you would like him around. At the same time, take some pressure off of him. Tell him that you care about him but that you don't expect anything from him except for friendship. Tell him that whatever he chooses to give you or not give is okay with you. Tell him that if he can't handle something or feels uncomfortable with being around you at a certain time, that you will be okay if he needs to leave. Part of loving someone is the ability to accept them even when they aren't giving you what you need. You love him...so let that be enough. It is enough really. It is a beautiful thing. Your time is precious so cherish what he does give and try to be okay with what he doesn't give. Focus on your love for him and let that be enough.
Author Madie Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 This morning I woke up crying. I feel that I couldnt cope with how things are. My mother cried with me seeing my condition and I realised that I didnt want to put my ex through that. I feel its even harder for the people who love me to comes in terms of losing me. Even when I'm feeling this pain in me now of losing him, I feel that my pain is only temporary. When I'm gone, I wouldnt feel anything anymore. But the pain for the people around me when I die will be with them after I'm gone and for the rest of their lives. I am the one having the easy way out. I only have to cope for the next 9 months. I dont know how the people who loves me will cope for the rest of their lives.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 You will be able to cope, Madie....no doubt about that. We tend to underestimate our potential to cope with things, but we realize that we're better equipped to deal with the situation than we think. At this point, you don't need to worry about whether he left you and why he did - you don't want to spend time thinking about that, now!! Think about what you can do at this time, instead. I sort of agree with Candy Cane's suggestion that you tell him that you want him to just be there for you at this time. You just want a friend beside you, and you're asking nothing more. However, if he still refrains from doing that - let it be. Forget it. Think about this - will anything that he does or doesn't do, change your situation? No, it won't. In fact, it's better to meet and be with warm and supportive people, you'll find yourself feeling better in their company! I can understand how hard it is on your family. But remember, if you break, they will too. The best you can do is to keep your courage and will, to keep your chin up. They will find strength through you - and in return, you will find strength from their support. Believe me, it will make you feel just so strong and proud - because not many people have the courage and character to stand firm against the odds! Take care...
RecordProducer Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Do you really have 9 months left to live? If that's true, it's just so sad. How can you even think about your BF in a situation like this? Think of yourself. You don't need stress right now. Be with your family and friends. Ask him to be your friend. I am sure he feels terrible and I am not surprised he didn't feel like smiling. He must love you. You're such a typical woman, you pay attention to stupid things while you're ill like hell. Good luck with your illness! I wish you to get well soon.
Author Madie Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Record Producer, I thank you for pointing out to me that he didnt smile at because he felt terrible inside. I needed that. All I felt then was why was he like that to me. My illness has been taken a toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Some days, I dont know what to think. I am so grateful that I came to this place. I cannot thank all of you enough.
toninvb Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Madie Let me start out by saying that i am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been in a related situation, but with me it was my mother who was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer. So i know what your ex is going through i did exactly what he did at first, i sort of withdrew from my mother and avoided her as much as possible, and it was only because it hurt for me to look at her because know matter what we were talking about all that was going through my mind was that i dont want to lose my mother. I dont want to see her die, but then i realized how selfish i was acting. I mean i was only thinking about my feelings i wasnt thinking about how she was feeling so that was when i started being there for her in any way i could. The point that im trying to make is that you shouldnt have any ill will towards him because all I think it is, is that he cant bare the load that was put on him im sure that he loves you just as much as he ever did and i wish for the best for both of you.
Author Madie Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 I have no ill feelings towards him. When I let him go, I felt that I didnt want him to be unhappy and to go through this with me. It was torture for me to see him act and say the things he did, thats was why I let him go. At this point, I am living one day at a time. toninvb, I am sorry about your mother and I cannot express my gratitude of your post as it gives me some thought what he was going through. Thank you so very much. I needed that.
freebird Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Madie! You are so brave! I almost lost my mother this year and my best friend almost lost hers this year as well. I think, and it's just my 2 cents worth, that sometimes, when a person is faced with losing somebody they LOVE SO MUCH - they get scared and just want to hide, run do whatever they can to ease the pain. My father was sort of like that with my mom - he loved her so much, I think at times he was just numb to the fact she was so sick and sometimes he was just a plain ass! I think sometimes if men act like jerks, it will be easier for you to FORGET them and all the guilt or feelings of helplessness they have in that they cannot help you. I think your BF is just plain scared and totally overwhelmed. I think he's just besides himself with the fact he will never be able to be wtih you one day ever again. I remember thinking abou this towards my mom and my pain and grief were so deep it almost killed me. Somehow, you get thru it and it takes time. I hope this does not come out wrong - but perhaps he does not know what to do. God me with you Madie!
RicanGirl Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Madie- Let me start out by saying that your situation is truly saddening; however, I commend your bravery. Your willingness to accept your situation, however painful and devastating it may be, is truly remarkable and should be prasied. You are truly a brave soul. I relate to your situation although not exactly the same way. Therefore, I understand your situation in some ways. When I was diagnosed with lupus 5 years ago, although I was 16 at the time, I often wondered what I would do when love came knocking on my door. I always wondered whether the man I was with would be able to handle being with a girl who was ill and dealing with the fact that there was no way to cure her illness (lupus currently has no known cure). I wondered what kind of toll it would be to see me sick, to take me to hospital appointments, to see me during chemotherapy and other treatments, to not understand certain symptoms, to not know why I was tired all the time and why I couldn't stay out in the sun. I wondered whether any man would accept the task, let alone be able to handle all of the baggage. I wondered what married life would be like and how I could ask anyone to bear that burden with me when I could barely handle it myself. After nearly dying in the hospital and recovering through a pure miracle (at least that's what I consider it because they called a Code Blue on me and nearly lost me when I was taken to the hospital and the doctors said if I made it there any later they couldn't have saved me) going back to high school was hard. I refused to get in a relationship for the fear that my partner would not understand my situation. After a couple of years, I decided I should let it go and take the chance with love and just see what happens. Luckily enough, in my life now I have a wonderful guy who fully and completely understands my situation and is willing to be there for me. As far as the ex is concerned, I would think that he is just not ready to handle that kind of situation. I'm sure he does love you very much, I just think that he is just not emotionally ready to handle the situation. I think it has just come as a shock to him that he will be losing you. Losing someone is a hard thing for people to cope with and I think that's what your ex is dealing with right now. I know it is hard to understand why he is behaving this way but I think that if you do want him to be with you then you should talk to him, as someone on this site mentioned before. Let him know that you need him with you at this time and that it is important to you. But, I also think that you need to be flexible and understanding, not just for his sake but for yours. You need to realize that this kind of stress is not doing you any good physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Let him know that you are willing to accept that he cannot deal with some things and that you understand. I think the flexibility will allow both of you to spend some meaningful time with each other without causing any drama. Most of all, take care of yourself and enjoy the time you have to the fullest and never ever lose hope. There is no better time than the present! Good luck!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 RicanGirl, I admire your courage. And yes, you're very lucky to have found a guy who's willing to be there for you through the tough times. Just out of curiosity - is your lupus the Systemic variety or the Discoid variety? i.e. is it SLE or DLE?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Gosh...I'm so sorry! What an ordeal. Keep the faith, you're a strong girl. Don't forget, the strongest part of us is our mind!! Best get well wishes and hugs..
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