my bf and I have been together for 8 years and have a child. Problems. Help!

[Friedpickles08]

Ok my bf and I have been together for 8 years and have a 6 year old as well. We've had a ups and downs but many downs than ups we now don't have sex but once a mth the want for me isn't there anymore due to resentment from past fights he used to call me names alot and I felt like he had to put me down to lift himself up and he never showed me how he feels but Everytime we fight it ends up who's leaving who's staying.

 

I own our home and our cars but I can't make it on my own. We dont have much affection but it's like I love him but same time want more then he does in a relationship he's a good dad and good with making money and bills but there's been lies in the past and I can't get past those and the names I was called it's like I'm scared itll go back to that n I can't let go of it n move forward I also feel like I don't feel anything anymore when we kiss hug touch anything.

 

He tells me it's normal after so many yrs everyone ends up this way but I feel we wouldn't be this way if the past didn't happen I even thought maybe something's wrong with me sexual wise so went to doctor but nothing's wrong. We don't have fun together we r super stressed in life and at each other that's been going on the whole time we've been together and now I have this guy that comes into my work who I am attracted to and I start thinking maybe I'm not happy maybe I could be happier with that guy maybe we'd have more fun then I go nooo bc I can't do bills alone at my house n I don't want the break up fight and the stress of that and what if things wouldn't work with that guy n i ruin the life with my child's father.

 

I'm scared of staying or leaving. Can you help is this all normal is this a crush or a sign I should move on or is it just me over thinking

Edited August 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Friedpickles08]

I'm sorry I guess what I need to know is if it's normal after so many years to feel different. Like I don't feel the love between us I once felt or the connection and I think alot of it is due to past fights I still have trouble getting over. Because before he would call me names and make me feel worthless and now he doesn't but I can't get over when he did. I feel like the past ruined what we had and I don't know if it's normal to feel like one day I'm ok with being together and the next I wonder what else is out there.

[PegNosePete]

Forget whether it's "normal" or not.

 

The question you should be asking is, do you really want to live your life in an unhappy relationship? Most people would answer NO.

 

If I were you I'd end the relationship. There is happiness out there, but you will never find it while staying with someone who makes you unhappy.

 

Life is too short to waste it on a dead relationship.

[BaileyB]

Life is too short - you want to be happy.

 

Someone who loves you will not call you names or make you feel bad. They will make you smile. They will make you laugh. They will support you and care for you... This is what you should be seeking.

 

I don't know that I could get over a man who called me names... But, you need to ask yourself now - does he make you happy? Do you want to see him everyday? Do you have fun with him? Does he treat you with kindness?

 

If the answer is no, then you should spend your time looking for someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. All the best.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Fried, on reading your post one thing stands out. Your BF does not respect you and if there is no respect in a romantic relationship then that relationship is still born. You may be expecting people here to give you some magical remedy or explanation for what you are experiencing such that you can overlook your SO's disrespect but that will not happen in a hundred years.

Only one solution. Ask your SO to move out and since you are not married, ask for a legal seperation. Of course custody of your child will have to be shared. Warm wishes.

[Friedpickles08]

Thank you all for your reply. I have asked everyone at work and family and friends they all say the samr and can see the change in me since I've been with him I guess I'm scared of change bc I feel comfortable and I'm scared of doing everything on my own bc I never have. I talk myself out of leaving him bc it's easier to suck it up and stay when I've tried to leave before he will make me feel guilty or feel bad about it so I change my mind. I end up giving up on what I wanted to do bc I see my sons happy with us together.

[Naveen2016]

What is the point of going to your new office crush? It is going to cause your relationship to fail and there will be a lot of stress involved for you and your bf and your child. Your making a hell for 3 people here..you , your bf and your child. Think about that for a second. This new office romance is going to die down soon just like it did with your bf after a few years. Every romance is going to die with time. And then you will be in the same situation once more that you are in currently. So I think you need to work on your own happiness and your happiness has nothing to do with whether your bf loves you or not. It is in your control. Change it. Go for some yoga or meditation class. Thats my advice. Stay in your current relationship.

Edited August 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Friedpickles08]

It's not the office crush I'm thinking about its the fact that I've never had interest in any other man till recently n I feel it's a sign that I'm truely unhappy where I am. I can't get past or let go of the hurt I felt at the beginning of the relationship. I feel no connection or feelings anymore towards him. We do nothing as a family or couple ever. I feel I want more in life and my son should have more to. I have spent the whole 8 yrs giving my all and no matter how I am, I'm still not good enough or doing it his right way. I feel emotionally drained every day.theres no good communication and he says he doesn't care how I feel bc feelings are dumb.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, that's what happens after a while when someone lies to you and deceives you and verbally abuses you year after year.

 

You lose all respect and sexual desire for them and find yourself with silly crushes on other people. It ain't rocket science.

 

The time will come when you finally realize your need to respect yourself will be greater than your fear that keeps you stagnating in this dysfunction.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I have a quick question, when did you really start questioning your relationship with your BF? Before or after this crush? You say your bf was no good for a while. But then stopped the name calling and disrespectful behavior? How far in the past are we talking?

 

Just questions, trying to determine if the crush is causing you to question your relationship, or if you were questioning your relationship long before this crush. I think this is important to answer for yourself, and honestly think about it. There have been many relationships that were going fine, and a crush causes one to then think of all the bad in their relationship instead of all the good that is there. This is actually pretty common behavior.

 

If you determine its the crush that is causing issues, try couples counseling with your BF. If you were questioning things long before this crush, maybe try individual counseling to help you find the strength in yourself that is already there to do what you know you must do.

 

Either way, I say forget about this crush. If you and your bf are to work things out, you need to forget about the other guy. If you are to move on without your BF, take time to grow more yourself. Be single for a while, learn that you can make it just fine on your own. That you don't need no man or anyone else to take care of you because you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. Once you have learned that about yourself, then you can go back to dating, and who knows, maybe that crush will still be available.

[Friedpickles08]

We have had a rollercoaster relationship since day one. Before I got pregnant the verbal started he brought out anger I never had. Then I had baby and he never helped me always worried about friends. Still verbal happening. Then I thought it would make things better buying a house so did that. He didn't stop the verbal or emotional abuse till last winter maybe Nov. When I broke down and told him he ruined me and how I felt for him. Then he wanted me to forgive him and start fresh but I can't get the past out if my head and how I changed for worse. The only reason I stayed so long was when I'd try to break it off he'd threaten me. He even last yr in Sept pointed gun at me said put down ur phone before I shoot it. He was sorry for that n said he was super mad. That scared me so all trust gone. Its easier money wise to stay but harder mentally.

[Friedpickles08]

He told me I needed help so I went to counseling they told me he was the one that shld be there talking but he wouldn't go with or without me he doesn't like peopleor docors

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

We have had a rollercoaster relationship since day one. Before I got pregnant the verbal started he brought out anger I never had. Then I had baby and he never helped me always worried about friends. Still verbal happening. Then I thought it would make things better buying a house so did that. He didn't stop the verbal or emotional abuse till last winter maybe Nov. When I broke down and told him he ruined me and how I felt for him. Then he wanted me to forgive him and start fresh but I can't get the past out if my head and how I changed for worse. The only reason I stayed so long was when I'd try to break it off he'd threaten me. He even last yr in Sept pointed gun at me said put down ur phone before I shoot it. He was sorry for that n said he was super mad. That scared me so all trust gone. Its easier money wise to stay but harder mentally.

 

Holy hell girl you need to get the hell out of there. What will your kid think of you seeing you get pushed around and threatened. If he is threatening you call the police. Who the hell points a gun at someone? You need to find your strength. It's there, you just have lost the ability to tap into it. An abusive person will take that away from you, and it sounds like he did a good job of it. Keep going to counseling. Muster up the strength. It will be hard, but the hard road is almost always the correct one. Also I would do everything in my power to keep my kid away from any psychopath who pulls guns on people. The courts will be heavily on your side too. They will want to protect your kid from this psycho. Do it for your kid if nothing else! Great dad's don't verbally and emotionally abuse the mother of their kids. This man is sick!

[ShatteredLady]

FriedPickles. You should of included this in your thread opening post, "He even last yr in Sept pointed gun at me...".

 

Nothing else matters. LEAVE & be very careful in how you leave. Make sure that your family, friends & your lawyer know about this! NEVER stay with a man who can abuse & terrify you.

 

There aren't enough "Sorries" in this world to forgive someone for pointing a gun at you!

 

Of course you've changed. You're an abused woman! Being treated that way by the father of your child, your partner who is supposed to love, cherish & keep you safe, BREAKS your spirt! Fundamentally changes who you are & how you view the world.

 

YOU ARE LIVING IN DANGER!

 

Free yourself & your child from this toxic, dangerous situation.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I'll also point out that regardless of what anyone will tell you, money has never made anyone happy ever. I mean, everyone would rather be broke and happy then rich and miserable. See how they aren't related at all? There is no dollar value on happiness, but it certainly isn't free. You have got to work for it. Time to put in that work.

[Friedpickles08]

That's just it first he would say I hope u die or go shoot itself then it turned into that last yr. Then for past yr he stopped it all but still doesn't show love enough won't even put his phone down to hang out or talk. We don't talk ever. I goto bed before him. I hate affection from him I block him out. And he thinks I should just let it all go from before and move forward new fresh start. But how do you do that when someone who acted that way 6 of the 8 yrs and made me feel worthless. I never had anyone call me names or treat me that way nor would I of let it continue if it wasn't for a child being here now. My family doesnt like him bc of all the past either and that doesn't help my life any. They seen a change in me big time and now I see it. So this is where the office guy comes in he isn't wat I'm leaving for at all I plan to stay single for a long time rebuild myself again. But he showed me there's better out there and I'm not weak and worthless. I would never jump into a relationship right after another