thinking about last contact and future ones with ex, need major help with this one

[ChuckDee33]

Here is some of my back story,please read this post before the rest of this one...there is more of course but this is the most recent happenings.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65501/

 

So it's been like 12 days since we talked on the phone. Now I know by now not to expect anything but the fact that she hasn't contacted me since then has got me thinking again. When I wasn't talking to her she made it clear in emails that she really wished we could still talk, that she missed talking to me. So now I've called her up and let her know that I used NC to help me out and it worked. I specifically told her she can call me whenever she wants.

 

So the fact that I haven't heard from her in 12 days is just confusing me. I mean, she was practically begging that we still could talk and I said to her this is no random decision of mine to allow her to contact me by phone. I said it's a serious step for me and she knows. I'm not supposing one way or the other but maybe I made a mistake by telling her that, maybe I made a mistake by calling her after reading her emails which really sounded like she was reaching out for me in a way she hadn't in a long time.

 

I know lots of you guys/gals would say that she just wanted to know I still have the same feelings for her. Which I do and she knows this, always has I'm sure. But she is still with this guy, has been for 6 months now. Apparently it has been rocky and apparently she doesn't love him...but I can't observe these things, I have no basis to believe or refute these statements she's made to me.

 

I'm just pissed that after all her letting me know she wants us to be able to talk, she hasn't called once for any reason. Maybe I'm over-analyzing things, it's so easy to do sometimes. Something's just not right though. I hope she's not waiting for me to call her because I did that already and the ball is in her court if she wants to call me. It's all just contradictory and hypocritical. At least it seems that way more and more as each day goes by now.

 

I'm at the point where I am telling myself the probability of us getting back together is not great. I don't want to be a backup or second best. I realize the only way we'd work is if she wanted it as much as I have. Not because it didn't work out with the guy she's seeing now. I want her to realize so bad that what we had was amazing and worth fighting for, worth taking that risk of letting each other back into our hearts like that.

 

When she does call, whenever it may be, how should I act? Should I just play it cool and do the friendly chit chat thing? Or should I ask the same questions I've been asking in this post? Sometimes I just wanna say, "Listen, in your heart and mind you either know you want to try again with me or you know you don't. Tell me right now if you just know, tell me either way." The thing is I am pretty sure she would just say "I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I can't predict how I will feel." Is that a sign that she can't say with authority that she has no intention of ever being with me again, ie a sign of emotional weakness? Like she can't bare to just say that directly to me? Or should I take it as a sign that she's trying to keep both ends burning, but my end only enough to keep stringing me along, having her cake and eating it to (we've all seen and heard these phrases but it can be SO true, unfortunately). Could be just as plain and simple as she just doesn't know what is going to happen...she's not saying she won't want to try again or that she will want to.

 

I want to be optimistic. I want to believe that she's just young and needs to experience other people before stepping towards anything resembling a commitment with me. As much as I want to, I can't wait for her. As much as I would make many sacrifices for the woman I love, I can't sacrifice my integrity and self-esteem just because of that. Honestly, I hate the idea of breaking all contact with her for good. But I also honestly hate the idea that I'm holding on to something that has the potential to keep causing me emotional harm.

 

She is a good person, honest and she hasn't ever lied to me. I just hope she is able to tell me everything she knows to be true in her heart and not hold anything back...that she isn't holding on to me for the wrong reasons.

 

I don't want to make it seem to her that she can have me anytime she wants, that she has no fight of her own to put up to keep me in her life. Yes, there it is....SHE IS GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT FOR ME AS MUCH AS I WOULD FOR HER!

 

LS'rs...I need some good advice. I'm sure I'll see some 'stick to NC' advocates and 'you shouldn't have suggested LC' advocates. I really need some solid suggestions on how to handle this thing though. She means a lot to me and a small chance is still a chance worth fighting for. Am I fighting a battle I cannot win?

[Big Balls]

I've gone through some similar things when my gf broke up with me. I thought what we had was fantastic, we were really close, could share anything (or so I thought) and neither of us treated the other badly and no one cheated. However if you keep asking her to stop sitting on the fence, from my experience it will just push her to say that she never wants to be with you again.

 

My advice, back off and get on with your life as though shes gone for good. Living in hope only prolongs the pain.

[ChuckDee33]

I have been trying to adopt that mentality, that I should live my life as though she isn't coming back. But...there is always something nagging at my mind, telling me that I shouldn't let her go completely or I will regret it forever. I don't know, I don't want to play mind games with her. Just if we can both be honest and say what we really are thinking and feeling then that is the best that can happen right now.

 

Telling her ''all or nothing''...is that a bad idea? Will that just push her away even more?

[summergirl]

Hi Chuck,

We are facing the same problem right now (see my thread). I also think that it will work only if my ex wanted me as much as i wanted him, not because I'm a back up if it didnt work between them. Right now i never contact him anymore but if he calls me I still answer him with a cool tone and avoid topics about our feelings.

 

Telling her "all or nothing" wont work, I've tried it before, it's not gonna change her mind at all, also it will make you look weak. I am not 100% over with this myself, but from what I've been doing I think you should start to change your mind set about your ex, she's not your best if she makes you feel miserable. Good luck!