Single mom & single dad - taking it slow

[psiblast]

I've been seeing a wonderful lady for about 9 months now. We see each other once a week during the week and every other weekend. She has 1 kid (daughter, 10 years old). I have two (daughter 9 years old, son 6 years old). We're both divorcees and have not been in any other serious relationship other than our ex-spouses. I am 43 and she is 42.

 

She says she wants to take things slow, and wants to keep our love life separate from our parenting life. This means she does not yet feel comfortable spending time with me when she is with her daughter (for example), and she says she feels much more comfortable if the kids were to simply mingle in some natural setting (like a birthday party, for example).

 

But this current dynamic prevents us from spending any more time together. I fear this relationship won't last as long as she shies away from integrating our lives together -- and this includes our children.

 

She has told me that she enjoys living this "fantasy life" with me, and keeping it separate from her real day-to-day life as a mom. Our sex life is wonderful. She says that I make her feel like a schoolgirl, and that I make her feel beautiful and sexy.

 

She also told me that she doesn't quite see a future with me yet (she's unsure). A month ago, she wanted to end the relationship with me because she said she'd be willing to endure a temporary heartbreak now, to prevent a bigger heartbreak down the road. We had a lengthy and honest conversation back then and we cleared up some misunderstandings, and it seems we're now on the same page with regard to what we want out of this relationship. Since then, she agreed to give this another try and is a little more hopeful of our future.

 

I don't want to lose her, and I want our relationship to progress to the next level. I don't think I'll be content with the status quo for much longer. Should I simply give it time and let her escalate the relationship on her terms?

[Ami1uwant]

After 9 moths you should have interacted with her child and she with your chilfren. Typical wait is around 6 months.

[ThorntonMelon]

So she is doing you a huge favor and you have to decide whether you're going to take advantage of it or not.

 

She wants you to be her hideaway from her real life every other weekend. You're the escape, the fantasy.

 

If you're in love, you're going to get hurt. Now, or later. It isn't going to change.

 

I was you three years ago. I didn't get out. About 7 months later she cut the cord. While I haven't had emotions for her in a long time, I have not yet again entered a real relationship. The scars on this stuff run pretty deep.

 

If I had it to do again, I'd get out immediately. It will weigh on you in ways you cannot understand.

 

Good luck.

[psiblast]

Thanks for the response. Thornton... maybe I'm a little slow today, but can you please clarify what you meant by "she's doing me a huge favor"?

[psiblast]

After 9 moths you should have interacted with her child and she with your chilfren. Typical wait is around 6 months.

 

Hi. Thanks for the response. I left out some pertinent information. Sorry.

 

I met her daughter initially "by accident", when I was at her house, and her ex came by to drop her off. My girlfriend said it's no big deal and just be natural. It was a brief meeting. That was about 4 months ago.

 

Then there was an arranged meeting where we all went out to a local entertainment center/game room. My son wasn't there, but we thought it would be good for our two daughters to meet since they were about the same age. The night was a success. That was about 2.5 months ago. Shortly afterwards, my two kids went to go stay with their mom for the summer so there weren't any further opportunities to meet.

 

She has also introduced me to her parents. I treated them out for dinner once on our first meeting, and there was a second meeting where she cooked dinner for all of us at her place.

[sunshine2]

I was that women after my divorce. My X BF had older kids, but I still had younger kids at home 50% of the time. He would spend the week with me when the kids were at their dads, then go home the week my kids were home. I LOVED this arrangement. I liked having time with him alone and not worrying about what my kids thought or how everyone got along. My kids were teenagers though, so a bit different dynamic.

 

It was my fantasy world, but he got tired of it after awhile and wanted to spend time with my kids as well. I went with it and it was okay, but I still loved the week we had alone best. It was less stressful.

 

I have to say I kept him away from my family as much as I could because I wasn't totally convinced that I was in love with him. I wasn't sure if he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I kept him at arms length.

 

Im telling you this so you might understand that she may not be 'all in' like you are. I would talk to her about this and let her know how you feel. You are either going to come to some kind of compromise, or go your separate ways.

[ThorntonMelon]

but can you please clarify what you meant by "she's doing me a huge favor"?

 

She is giving you a heads up that your relationship has an expiration date.

 

She has told me that she enjoys living this "fantasy life" with me, and keeping it separate from her real day-to-day life

 

That was about 2.5 months ago.

- the kids meeting

 

A month ago, she wanted to end the relationship with me because she said she'd be willing to endure a temporary heartbreak now, to prevent a bigger heartbreak down the road.

 

Her reaction to your relationship being "real".....

[psiblast]

I was that women after my divorce. My X BF had older kids, but I still had younger kids at home 50% of the time. He would spend the week with me when the kids were at their dads, then go home the week my kids were home. I LOVED this arrangement. I liked having time with him alone and not worrying about what my kids thought or how everyone got along. My kids were teenagers though, so a bit different dynamic.

 

It was my fantasy world, but he got tired of it after awhile and wanted to spend time with my kids as well. I went with it and it was okay, but I still loved the week we had alone best. It was less stressful.

 

I have to say I kept him away from my family as much as I could because I wasn't totally convinced that I was in love with him. I wasn't sure if he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I kept him at arms length.

 

Im telling you this so you might understand that she may not be 'all in' like you are. I would talk to her about this and let her know how you feel. You are either going to come to some kind of compromise, or go your separate ways.

 

Thanks for sharing. I am also kind of in the mindset that time with her is like a fantasy. But I don't know how much longer that will last.

 

In your situation, what made the relationship ultimately fail?

[psiblast]

She is giving you a heads up that your relationship has an expiration date.

 

 

 

- the kids meeting

 

 

 

Her reaction to your relationship being "real".....

 

I understand. However the optimistic side of me thinks that she wants to see where this leads and is willing to take a chance with me. It's not that she outright refuses to take it further but just not at my pace.

 

That time when she wanted to end it, she made it clear to me that she's looking for a life partner and didn't want to continue with me if it meant no future. Just the fact that she is continuing shows a positive sign I think.

[ThorntonMelon]

Look Im obviously biased given my experience.

 

So ask her - tell her you see a real future for the two of you - you're willing to go slow but you want to know if she sees a future, that you know it's more than just a fantasy world.

 

See how she reacts.

[k2girl]

I'm in a similar situation. We are both in our early 40's, both divorced and both with kids. He met my kids briefly at about 4 months and then I met his kids at just about the 1 year mark and that was the 2nd time he met my kids - we brought everyone together at an event at a local park. I personally thought it was perhaps a bit slow but he was very cautious about it, really wanted to make sure we were something serious before bringing the kids into the picture.

 

Now we get all the kids together a couple times a month but we still have our every other weekends to ourselves which are amazing. We have fun with the kids too but a house with 4 boys is a pretty busy place.

[psiblast]

I'm in a similar situation. We are both in our early 40's, both divorced and both with kids. He met my kids briefly at about 4 months and then I met his kids at just about the 1 year mark and that was the 2nd time he met my kids - we brought everyone together at an event at a local park. I personally thought it was perhaps a bit slow but he was very cautious about it, really wanted to make sure we were something serious before bringing the kids into the picture.

 

Now we get all the kids together a couple times a month but we still have our every other weekends to ourselves which are amazing. We have fun with the kids too but a house with 4 boys is a pretty busy place.

 

Thanks. Your story gives me hope.

 

May I ask, during that first year or so, were there any talks about the future, and did you feel that perhaps one of you felt ready to commit before the other? How did you deal with that? Did you have discussions about it?

[Toodaloo]

I've been seeing a wonderful lady for about 9 months now. We see each other once a week during the week and every other weekend. She has 1 kid (daughter, 10 years old). I have two (daughter 9 years old, son 6 years old). We're both divorcees and have not been in any other serious relationship other than our ex-spouses. I am 43 and she is 42.

 

She says she wants to take things slow, and wants to keep our love life separate from our parenting life. This means she does not yet feel comfortable spending time with me when she is with her daughter (for example), and she says she feels much more comfortable if the kids were to simply mingle in some natural setting (like a birthday party, for example).

 

But this current dynamic prevents us from spending any more time together. I fear this relationship won't last as long as she shies away from integrating our lives together -- and this includes our children.

 

She has told me that she enjoys living this "fantasy life" with me, and keeping it separate from her real day-to-day life as a mom. Our sex life is wonderful. She says that I make her feel like a schoolgirl, and that I make her feel beautiful and sexy.

 

She also told me that she doesn't quite see a future with me yet (she's unsure). A month ago, she wanted to end the relationship with me because she said she'd be willing to endure a temporary heartbreak now, to prevent a bigger heartbreak down the road. We had a lengthy and honest conversation back then and we cleared up some misunderstandings, and it seems we're now on the same page with regard to what we want out of this relationship. Since then, she agreed to give this another try and is a little more hopeful of our future.

 

I don't want to lose her, and I want our relationship to progress to the next level. I don't think I'll be content with the status quo for much longer. Should I simply give it time and let her escalate the relationship on her terms?

 

You know the "escalation" will be her finishing it with you don't you?

 

She has told you time and time again she doesn't want more. She is pushing you back not just taking it slow. That is because she doesn't want you she wants the fantasy.

 

YOU don't want to lose her but thing is SHE has never been yours... She has always held back.

 

I wish you all the best but this is not going to last.

[ThorntonMelon]

You know the "escalation" will be her finishing it with you don't you?

 

She has told you time and time again she doesn't want more. She is pushing you back not just taking it slow. That is because she doesn't want you she wants the fantasy.

 

YOU don't want to lose her but thing is SHE has never been yours... She has always held back.

 

I wish you all the best but this is not going to last.

 

+1. This has an expiration date and she's telling you to your face. You have to listen.

[Toodaloo]

+1. This has an expiration date and she's telling you to your face. You have to listen.

 

OP I am sorry but this is true. You are going to be hurt. How much you end up hurting is up to you.

[angel.eyes]

Everyone's relationship moves at its own pace. Yes, when someone says they want to take things slow, be a little wary that things won't progress. But in your case, things ARE progressing! You've met her kid. She's trying to foster a friendship between your daughters. She's introduced you to her parents, and you've spent extended, meaningful family time with them twice. So you are being integrated into her life.

 

Are you concerned about the pace or about the possibility that she is going to drop you? Be honest with yourself! If it's the latter, realize that relationships can and do end. Pushing someone to do something they're not comfortable with is a surefire way to kill a relationship. If it's truly just the former, then have a conversation with her about the pace and ways in which certain aspects might speed up a bit more. There are always areas for compromise. Maybe focus on integrating into each other's circle of friends more. She seems fine involving adults such as her parents. She's just protective of her daughter, which makes her a responsible parent...an admirable trait in any long-term partner.

 

Hi. Thanks for the response. I left out some pertinent information. Sorry.

 

I met her daughter initially "by accident", when I was at her house, and her ex came by to drop her off. My girlfriend said it's no big deal and just be natural. It was a brief meeting. That was about 4 months ago.

 

Then there was an arranged meeting where we all went out to a local entertainment center/game room. My son wasn't there, but we thought it would be good for our two daughters to meet since they were about the same age. The night was a success. That was about 2.5 months ago. Shortly afterwards, my two kids went to go stay with their mom for the summer so there weren't any further opportunities to meet.

 

She has also introduced me to her parents. I treated them out for dinner once on our first meeting, and there was a second meeting where she cooked dinner for all of us at her place.

Edited August 18, 2016 by angel.eyes

[ThorntonMelon]

Everyone's relationship moves at its own pace. Yes, when someone says they want to take things slow, be a little wary that things won't progress. But in your case, things ARE progressing! You've met her kid. She's trying to foster a friendship between your daughters. She's introduced you to her parents, and you've spent extended, meaningful family time with them twice. So you are being integrated into her life.

 

Are you concerned about the pace or about the possibility that she is going to drop you? Be honest with yourself! If it's the latter, realize that relationships can and do end. Pushing someone to do something they're not comfortable with is a surefire way to kill a relationship. If it's truly just the former, then have a conversation with her about the pace and ways in which certain aspects might speed up a bit more. There are always areas for compromise. Maybe focus on integrating into each other's circle of friends more. She seems fine involving adults such as her parents. She's just protective of her daughter, which makes her a responsible parent...an admirable trait in any long-term partner.

 

Angel Eyes why did this woman tell him a month ago she was considering dumping him then? For some reason this is being ignored.

[Toodaloo]

Angel Eyes why did this woman tell him a month ago she was considering dumping him then? For some reason this is being ignored.

 

Also why were meetings of children "accidental"

 

Why has she said that she likes the fantasy of him?

 

Why has she said she doesn't see this going long term?

 

Why has she prevented him from slowly integrating their lives in any way?

 

I could carry on.

 

You are seeing hope where there is none and hasn't been for a really long time.

 

OP has two choices here.

1. Carry on in the full knowledge that this is going to end at some point. The results of which are that he wastes time in healing, invests more emotion into her and delays his chances.

 

2. Quit playing games. Accept it for what it is, heal and get out to meet someone who DOES want the same things as him and he can love fully and freely and who is willing to love him fully and freely.

 

It really is that simple and really is not that complex.

 

The difficult part in all this is actually making that decision and carrying it through. Only Op can do that. We can't help with that, and it sucks having to do it.

[angel.eyes]

If someone pushes me to do things that I'm not comfortable doing, in other words, is unwilling to respect my boundaries, then regardless of how great that person otherwise is or how invested I am in the relationship, I WILL break up with him. Why would I want a future with someone who is so self-centered and so self-focused that they ignore my level of comfort and can't respect my basic wishes? That's true for most emotionally healthy, grounded people.

 

That's also why insecure daters destroy so many promising relationships. They are obsessed with the fact that the person might not be as invested and may break up with them.They keep pushing for arbitrary goal posts that they think will reassure them in a relationship. Instead, they just push their partner away and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy time and time again with different partners.

 

What is the OP hoping for right now with the woman's DAUGHTER? He's already met her. His GF is trying to get their daughters to be friends. Why is his focus so firmly on his relationship with this woman's daughter and not on the women herself? That itself starts to raise red flags.

[ThorntonMelon]

His GF is trying to get their daughters to be friends.

 

Please advise where this is the case. I'd bet everything in my pocket that anything she is doing to "further" this relationship is being done reluctantly to keep the companionship and sex flowing.

 

As for your comments above - I think any time two parties want different things from a relationship it will fail.

 

Why would I want a future with someone who is so self-centered and so self-focused that they ignore my level of comfort and can't respect my basic wishes?

 

You're as equally focused on your level of comfort and basic wishes. I am not sure why you deem your own as more important than your partner's.

[Toodaloo]

If someone pushes me to do things that I'm not comfortable doing, in other words, is unwilling to respect my boundaries, then regardless of how great that person otherwise is or how invested I am in the relationship, I WILL break up with him. Why would I want a future with someone who is so self-centered and so self-focused that they ignore my level of comfort and can't respect my basic wishes? That's true for most emotionally healthy, grounded people.

 

That's also why insecure daters destroy so many promising relationships. They are obsessed with the fact that the person might not be as invested and may break up with them.They keep pushing for arbitrary goal posts that they think will reassure them in a relationship. Instead, they just push their partner away and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy time and time again with different partners.

 

What is the OP hoping for right now with the woman's DAUGHTER? He's already met her. His GF is trying to get their daughters to be friends. Why is his focus so firmly on his relationship with this woman's daughter and not on the women herself? That itself starts to raise red flags.

 

How on earth can those girls be friends when they have only met once in what 9 months?

 

Time to take the glasses off.

 

The horse is dead. Stop flogging it.

 

He has not pushed and she has continually pushed him away EVERY time he has asked for just a little bit more. Not loads just a little.

 

Fact is this. She enjoys the sex. She likes having a "lover" and someone in her life. She enjoys the thrill. That is as far as it goes for her. She has made that abundantly clear and has also said a few times that she wants to split up.

 

This woman is keeping him around for entertainment. I don't think she is meaning anything nasty by that but he is essentially a walking vibrator.

 

Sorry Op. But that is what this is. Simple way to find out is to ask her for some form of commitment at some point in the distant future. Perhaps discuss living together or something... I bet she gets elusive and comes out with the "I am scared of being hurt and want to slow things down" chestnut. Reason why is because she has no intention of marrying or staying committed to you ever.

 

You are just there until something else comes along. When it does she will end it and you will be absolutely devastated and we will be telling you all of this all over again.

[psiblast]

Thanks everyone. All very insightful posts.

 

Just want to address/clarify some points:

 

- The meeting of our daughters was a mutual idea. I never pushed for it. And like I said, my kids are away at the moment. They will return back when school starts.

 

- The meeting of children only happened once, and it wasn't accidental. The first time I met her daughter, it was just me -- not my kids, and it happened at her house, when her daughter was being dropped off.

 

- The reason why she considered dumping me... let me clarify that bit. She didn't want to dump me. She wanted to have a conversation with me to see if we should continue the relationship, and she had her reasons not to. It was during that very conversation that she made it clear to me that she's looking for a life partner (not just a "fling"). We cleared up some misunderstandings about what we wanted out of this relationship, and what we saw in the future. We even spoke about what life would look like if we moved in together -- where we would live and how our kids would be affected by school changes, etc.

 

Again, she stated that if this has no future, then she wants to end it. She decided she wants to continue, therefore I can only surmise that she thinks there is hope for a future.

 

During that week when she was unsure about us, a couple of friends (married couple) asked if the four of us could meet for dinner. My girlfriend said that we're "having issues right now". She revealed this to me only the other night. She told me this because she asked if I want to meet with them later this month.

 

So I don't buy this theory of she's just keeping me around for sex and companionship.

[sunshine2]

Thanks for sharing. I am also kind of in the mindset that time with her is like a fantasy. But I don't know how much longer that will last.

 

In your situation, what made the relationship ultimately fail?

 

He moved in after begging me for months to live with me. We were together for 1 year at that point. After he moved in I was really unhappy. I wasn't ready for that type of commitment after just getting out of a long marriage. I also found out that he lied a lot about all kinds of things and I started to lose my trust for him. I asked him to move out and that pretty much ended the relationship a few months after.

[psiblast]

That's also why insecure daters destroy so many promising relationships. They are obsessed with the fact that the person might not be as invested and may break up with them.They keep pushing for arbitrary goal posts that they think will reassure them in a relationship. Instead, they just push their partner away and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy time and time again with different partners.

 

What is the OP hoping for right now with the woman's DAUGHTER? He's already met her. His GF is trying to get their daughters to be friends. Why is his focus so firmly on his relationship with this woman's daughter and not on the women herself? That itself starts to raise red flags.

 

Bingo. That is exactly the demon that I'm fighting in my mind.

 

My "pushing" for her to open up to be more comfortable with me spending time with both her and her daughter is my insecurities talking. I crave for that reassurance. Potentially losing her a couple of weeks ago scared the crap out of me, but maybe I'm trying too hard now.

[angel.eyes]

What exactly is your concern? You hang out with her friends. You've spent time with her parents. She's getting your daughters comfy with each other. What's missing? To tuck her daughter in at night and do homework with her? What exactly is lacking in your view?

 

Incidentally, have you introduced her to YOUR parents?

 

Thanks everyone. All very insightful posts.

 

Just want to address/clarify some points:

 

- The meeting of our daughters was a mutual idea. I never pushed for it. And like I said, my kids are away at the moment. They will return back when school starts.

 

- The meeting of children only happened once, and it wasn't accidental. The first time I met her daughter, it was just me -- not my kids, and it happened at her house, when her daughter was being dropped off.

 

- The reason why she considered dumping me... let me clarify that bit. She didn't want to dump me. She wanted to have a conversation with me to see if we should continue the relationship, and she had her reasons not to. It was during that very conversation that she made it clear to me that she's looking for a life partner (not just a "fling"). We cleared up some misunderstandings about what we wanted out of this relationship, and what we saw in the future. We even spoke about what life would look like if we moved in together -- where we would live and how our kids would be affected by school changes, etc.

 

Again, she stated that if this has no future, then she wants to end it. She decided she wants to continue, therefore I can only surmise that she thinks there is hope for a future.

 

During that week when she was unsure about us, a couple of friends (married couple) asked if the four of us could meet for dinner. My girlfriend said that we're "having issues right now". She revealed this to me only the other night. She told me this because she asked if I want to meet with them later this month.

 

So I don't buy this theory of she's just keeping me around for sex and companionship.