Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I can probably top all of the examples. My ex from college offered me one of the reeses peanut cups he just bought. I said ok, because he offered. He then snatched his hand back and said very strongly and indignantly, "no I paid 90c for those, you can have half" then as he broke one in half, a smaller piece came off and he said "even better, you can have a quarter of it" He was serious. I was too shocked to speak and he got away with that. I was his gf and he would not share 45c worth of chocolate with me. It got worse and worse and worse. He would remind me if I owed him a few cents. But he happily took money off me. When we cooked a pizza in the oven once he actually came over checked the sizes of the portions and said yours is bigger than mine, I paid half of it. When we went for dinner once, I ordered a small pot of sauce for my fries that cost about 50c. When the check came he carved it up to the last cent and said I didnt have any of that sauce so take the 25c off my share. He was utterly miserable to be with. He was also selfish emotionally. All he cared for was himself. His wants, his needs, his everything. He was a horrible man and I feel sicked that I wasted time with him. He is married with a kid now. I often wonder how he behaves.
Shining One Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I can probably top all of the examples.Most of the women I went on dates with never opened their purses. Consider your example topped. As for the OP, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior long term. This relationship would have been measured in days or weeks at most, not months.
mbee Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I agree with prior posters. You guys don't sound compatible. I've dated a couple of guys who never offer to pay or are super meticulous about splitting the bill. I am very financially secure and don't need a guy to pay at all and I always offer but a guy being cheap like that points to a lot of other issues. Let me ask you something? If you were out with one of your close girl friends and you guys saw a movie and she didn't have money (and was a reliable friend) so you paid for it. Would you act in the same way as this guy? Or would you have a natural response where she pays for you next time or it's more relaxed. His behavior will get worse and for me an ideal relationship is one where we aren't counting who pays for what. Sometimes I pay, sometimes the guy does and it feels balanced and not like a weird thing where we have to be 100% fair and equal 100% of the time. Remember this is what dating is about, figuring out if you are compatible.
mbee Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Also one thing I forgot to mention from reading your post is that most people want a relationship that is fun and has some excitement. I have a good friend who very much cares about me who at one point wanted to date me. I told him we aren't compatible (and we are not) because of the reasons you cited. He talks about money way too much, saving, never plans any trips, complains about how expensive things are, etc. He never plans anything fun and honestly I'm always the one planning cool things in our friendship. In a nutshell, it's annoying and I like living a balanced lifestyle where I can treat myself to trips, nice dinners, events and such but am also capable of saving up for a house or investing. I also like being around guys who enjoy doing different things that may be free or cost money. It sounds like if you keep dating this guy, everything will be measured and that just doesn't sound fun and frankly a bit boring. Is that really someone you want to date for months or years? I get that it's nice to be with someone who cares about you, but that doesn't mean you should date every guy who cares and is nice to you.
Els Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 There's a huge difference between being cheap and being thrifty. Thrifty people can still be considerate and generous towards their loved ones, they just manage their own expenses in a thrifty manner. When it gets to the extent of being this calculative with other people - it's called being cheap. OP, your dude is cheap and not just thrifty IMO. And Michelle... omg that coupon story just brought tears to my eyes. 5
Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Most of the women I went on dates with never opened their purses. Consider your example topped. As for the OP, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior long term. This relationship would have been measured in days or weeks at most, not months. I do not consider my example topped. You speak of DATES. Just dates. I speak of a relationship where my actual boyfriend wouldn't even share 45c worth of chocolate with me.
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I just had a thought about the walks. Do you just walk or do you spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other on those walks. Do you have deep conversations? If it is the latter then I can see why he likes them as opposed to going to a concert or event, where the topic of the conversation usually revolves around the event and the talking is more superficial.
Grisho Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I do not consider my example topped. You speak of DATES. Just dates. I speak of a relationship where my actual boyfriend wouldn't even share 45c worth of chocolate with me. Amelie, you are making me laugh. I love the tone in your posts about this - so deadpan. I think I can top your story, but I'm not sure. I know of a couple who were together about 10 years. Within this time, I recall witnessing an incident where she needed a stamp, and asked if he had a stamp. He informed her that, yes, he had stamps, but that he had paid for them. He proceeded to inform her how much he paid for the stamps, and to inform her of what 1 stamp costs as he handed her a stamp (NB the stamps were under his strict control). He gave her the silent treatment for 3 days until she realised he was waiting for her to hand over the 23p or whatever a stamp costed then. 1
Tribble Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 You need to be on the same page with money for sure. This is behaviour that, if incompatible, just causes problems, one way or another. I have a friend that sounds like your date. Always making sure she only pays her bit, gets petrol money off people but never offers it in return, constantly complaining about having no money but then going off to do stuff only to complain it's expensive.... urgh! It is exhausting! And she is just my friend, not a bf. I'm sensible with money, I believe in paying my own way, which means an equitable split of expenses. But that means you pay for this meal, I'll get the next one. If the meal I pay for ends up being more expensive, that's just the way it goes. And I'm a vegetarian so quite often my meal is cheaper. It's just not worth a couple of quid. If you're with someone so tight, these things don't equal out, they make sure you pay your half but aren't quite as worried about making sure they pay their share. So I'd end this one. He isn't a bad person but he does need to be with someone who views money the same way he does. From your original OP, I'll also say, don't get your purse out unless you are genuinely willing to pay. You said you got it out at the cinema expecting him to say don't worry about it and were a pit put out when he took your share. Offer to pay and mean it or just don't bother.
Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Amelie, you are making me laugh. I love the tone in your posts about this - so deadpan. I think I can top your story, but I'm not sure. I know of a couple who were together about 10 years. Within this time, I recall witnessing an incident where she needed a stamp, and asked if he had a stamp. He informed her that, yes, he had stamps, but that he had paid for them. He proceeded to inform her how much he paid for the stamps, and to inform her of what 1 stamp costs as he handed her a stamp (NB the stamps were under his strict control). He gave her the silent treatment for 3 days until she realised he was waiting for her to hand over the 23p or whatever a stamp costed then. That sounds like something my ex would do. He once reminded me about 10c I owed him. It was constant with him, he was so selfish all the time and he saw nothing wrong with it. He is married now, I wonder how that went down. As for the guy who said that he went on lots of dates where women never offered to pay, well alot of women feel the men should pay on a first date. I always offer. Alot of women dont. But his example doesnt top anyones because we are speaking of being a cheapskate in a long term relationship and how it affects the relationship. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 LOL...I have yet to meet a man who would actually accept me handing him a lousy $3 or $4 for a lousy cup of tea like this assclown the OP posted about. That is just unbelievably petty. 2
Grisho Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 That sounds like something my ex would do. He once reminded me about 10c I owed him. Amelie! I need a warning before you post something like that. Here I was, basking in the glory of having the best story, drinking something to celebrate the moment, and you go and make me laugh again, putting my laptop in great danger of a sponteneous spray of tea.
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 The solution here if you do not want to break up is to acknowledge the issue and to either agree to split everything down the middle to the penny, or work out each others spending accurately and contribute accordingly. You had a pizza and a milkshake = $x and he had a steak pie and the cheesecake = $y. He pays for his and you pay for yours. Or you both contribute equally to a pot at the beginning of the date and the pot pays for everything. There is thus no awkwardness or resentment over who pays. If you are splitting the bill equally, do not feel you need to scrimp; if he is always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, do the same, if you keep holding back then you will eventually get angry over the unfairness, so best just stake your claim and do not get taken advantage of. He will soon learn to order more fairly, as it will hit him financially. People who are obsessed with money, can take advantage of others, they know the bill is going to be split, so they order all the expensive courses, drink most of the wine and then moan about the bill...
Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Amelie! I need a warning before you post something like that. Here I was, basking in the glory of having the best story, drinking something to celebrate the moment, and you go and make me laugh again, putting my laptop in great danger of a sponteneous spray of tea. Hehe. Sorry! It was from when he carved up the difference in his and mine he reminded me of very small change.
Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 The solution here if you do not want to break up is to acknowledge the issue and to either agree to split everything down the middle to the penny, or work out each others spending accurately and contribute accordingly. You had a pizza and a milkshake = $x and he had a steak pie and the cheesecake = $y. He pays for his and you pay for yours. Or you both contribute equally to a pot at the beginning of the date and the pot pays for everything. There is thus no awkwardness or resentment over who pays. If you are splitting the bill equally, do not feel you need to scrimp; if he is always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, do the same, if you keep holding back then you will eventually get angry over the unfairness, so best just stake your claim and do not get taken advantage of. He will soon learn to order more fairly, as it will hit him financially. People who are obsessed with money, can take advantage of others, they know the bill is going to be split, so they order all the expensive courses, drink most of the wine and then moan about the bill... But this is a miserable way to exist. 3
Author Meddle Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) From your original OP, I'll also say, don't get your purse out unless you are genuinely willing to pay. You said you got it out at the cinema expecting him to say don't worry about it and were a pit put out when he took your share. Offer to pay and mean it or just don't bother. I WAS planning to pay and I would no matter what. I prefer to pay for myslelf. I earn money and it is not anyone's duty to pay for me. Just... he was so enthusiastic about it and so quick to take money from me that it was a bit odd. I prefer to know that if I was in long term relationship/marriage and I would loose job/had health problems/get pregnant and wasn't able to work at some point I could rely on my significant other and he could rely on my of course. Paying is not the only problem but also these conversations about money and sales... at first I thought that maybe he prefers partnership and I am fine with that! However, when we met recently he said that his mother used to iron his shirts (he's 27 years old and recently moved out from his parents house) because he didn't have wife who could do it for him. that is not about partnership then... Thank you for your responses. We are not on the same page obviously and I decided to break up with him next time we meet. I really like him but I am not strong enough to talk to him about that and on the top of that to live with him being so sensitive about money. Edited August 18, 2016 by Meddle 8
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 But this is a miserable way to exist. I agree, it is not for all.
Author Meddle Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 I agree, it is not for all. Yeah, I realized this is not how I want to live... 3
Author Meddle Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 I just had a thought about the walks. Do you just walk or do you spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other on those walks. Do you have deep conversations? If it is the latter then I can see why he likes them as opposed to going to a concert or event, where the topic of the conversation usually revolves around the event and the talking is more superficial. One concert was in the park, we went for a concert and then for a walk in general we were walking a lot. We didn't have that deep conversations really, I don't think that it's the thing. He also invited me to the cinema later but it was political movie and I didn't really want to go... in the cinema we wouldn't talk as well.
Els Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 The solution here if you do not want to break up is to acknowledge the issue and to either agree to split everything down the middle to the penny, or work out each others spending accurately and contribute accordingly. You had a pizza and a milkshake = $x and he had a steak pie and the cheesecake = $y. He pays for his and you pay for yours. Or you both contribute equally to a pot at the beginning of the date and the pot pays for everything. There is thus no awkwardness or resentment over who pays. If you are splitting the bill equally, do not feel you need to scrimp; if he is always ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, do the same, if you keep holding back then you will eventually get angry over the unfairness, so best just stake your claim and do not get taken advantage of. He will soon learn to order more fairly, as it will hit him financially. People who are obsessed with money, can take advantage of others, they know the bill is going to be split, so they order all the expensive courses, drink most of the wine and then moan about the bill... With all due respect, I think a simpler solution is to just not date such people. I mean, honestly. I can't even imagine being that petty over a couple of dollars with an acquaintance, let alone a partner! I don't think any amount of 'good' would offset something like this - even if one could tolerate it at the beginning, it'd eventually wear on them, badly. Better to pull the plug sooner than later. 2
Els Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I WAS planning to pay and I would no matter what. I prefer to pay for myslelf. I earn money and it is not anyone's duty to pay for me. Just... he was so enthusiastic about it and so quick to take money from me that it was a bit odd. I prefer to know that if I was in long term relationship/marriage and I would loose job/had health problems/get pregnant and wasn't able to work at some point I could rely on my significant other and he could rely on my of course. Paying is not the only problem but also these conversations about money and sales... at first I thought that maybe he prefers partnership and I am fine with that! However, when we met recently he said that his mother used to iron his shirts (he's 27 years old and recently moved out from his parents house) because he didn't have wife who could do it for him. that is not about partnership then... Thank you for your responses. We are not on the same page obviously and I decided to break up with him next time we meet. I really like him but I am not strong enough to talk to him about that and on the top of that to live with him being so sensitive about money. Glad you decided to break up with him. The mother ironing his shirt bit is just....wow. No words.
Shining One Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I do not consider my example topped. You speak of DATES. Just dates. I speak of a relationship where my actual boyfriend wouldn't even share 45c worth of chocolate with me.Fair enough. I've had a few relationships (measured in months) in which the women never opened their purses. We're talking thousands of dollars here. For what it's worth, I agree that it's horrible to deal with someone who will pick apart small costs to ensure equality. I still think it's worse to deal with someone who contributes nothing. 1
Shining One Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I WAS planning to pay and I would no matter what. I prefer to pay for myslelf. I earn money and it is not anyone's duty to pay for me. Just... he was so enthusiastic about it and so quick to take money from me that it was a bit odd. I prefer to know that if I was in long term relationship/marriage and I would loose job/had health problems/get pregnant and wasn't able to work at some point I could rely on my significant other and he could rely on my of course. Paying is not the only problem but also these conversations about money and sales... at first I thought that maybe he prefers partnership and I am fine with that! However, when we met recently he said that his mother used to iron his shirts (he's 27 years old and recently moved out from his parents house) because he didn't have wife who could do it for him. that is not about partnership then... Thank you for your responses. We are not on the same page obviously and I decided to break up with him next time we meet. I really like him but I am not strong enough to talk to him about that and on the top of that to live with him being so sensitive about money.You made the right choice. He sounds like a case of equality where it benefits him (paying for things) and traditional where it benefits him (domestic chores). 2
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 With all due respect, I think a simpler solution is to just not date such people. Oh I agree, but at that point the OP was considering staying, so I offered a practical solution, but the OP has now seen that it won't work, so it is all good. 2
jen1447 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I've been on a couple dates where the 'money issue' comes up (and I don't mean them not wanting to pay, I mean them wanting to split it right down the line to increments of <$1 or even calculating costs of what we ordered - "I had the poor man's special so my total comes to less than yours") and the second I see that I just take the bill and pay it all and never again will we see one another. I can respect a healthy respect for money and knowing value and not being dumb w spending and all that but I just refuse to live like we're in the Great Depression or sth. We're not, and nothing that happens dollar-wise at this silly little date is gonna blow either one of us up financially. OP I think you made the right call - those 2 divergent sensibilities just don't ever get along. 3
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