Meddle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) Sorry for my english, it's not my native language Hi guys, I need to know someone else's opinion. I am seeing a guy for almost 4 months now. We met on dating website. On his profile he wrote that "he is a little bit materialistic, but he is not cheap or souless - he just respect money". I am too so I thought that is fine and didn't think about it much after I read it. He is sweet, smart, funny, thoughtful, caring and I am very attracted to him. There is one thing. He is weird about money. I graduated recently, he is working for 4 years and he has well paid job. On a first date he bought me a rose, paid for my tea, I didn't offer to pay back because my previous boyfriend was finding it offensive and I wasn't sure if I should. On a second I insisted to pay for my coffee - I don't like when guys are paying all the time, however I like when they offer (I will find tons of comments that I am a gold digger - I know ). Next he invited me to the cinema. I took my wallet out of the bag and wanted to pay him back but before I even took it from there he said: "you want to give me money back?" and took the money. Guys I've been seeing before at usually were saying: "no you don't have to" even if it wasn't sincere. Then he said that he does not offer food and drinks because probably I woudn't want it...(I didn't but he why did he say that?). However, ee had a great time. Next week we went for a beer. He said that he will pay, but I will pay for another round. For 'his' round he bought cheaper beer than for 'my' round of course and I started to look at it more deeply - don't get me wrong I don't care paying for a guy but you know.. it was another sign for me that something is different that with my other boyfriends. He was a little bit drunk and he told me that he is not cheap, he just respect money and I had a feeling that he tries to explain himself. For our next date he invited my to his partment to cook together but I didn't want to go as barely knew each other... One we went for a juice and I had only credit card and some coins. I didn't have enough - it wasn't intentionally, really.. He said I can pay him back later... after that he said that he has a friend who always forgets to take his wallet when go out with his wife... I wasn't sure if it was to critisize me that I 'forget' my wallet or he wanted to prove me that he is so generous (?). This juice was very cheap and I was planning to pay him back... I know he was poor for a while, his father didn't have a job. I understand because my family wasn't rich either and I respect money too. Our next dates were always just walks after work, I tried to organize someting else - concerts, outdoor cinema, festivals - it's summer and a lot of free events. He liked it but still didn't organize anything by himself - only walks all the time, so it wasn't only about money. My previous boyfriend was offering to pay for me always (I was always paying him back) and organizing fun dates, taking care if I was entertained, maybe this is why I am a little disappointed - he wasn't that caring and thoughtful as my recent boyfriend though... I was thinking that money are not that important but I feel that he is really weird about it. He talks about money, discounts, planing expense budget, investing, finances etc,. a lot and that is not really my thing. After I graduated with distinction month ago I thought maybe he will but me a flower or something but we just had an usual walk... I have an internship now and he said something like: "I hope they don't exploit you for the lowest wage".. well they do but I felt ashamed that I don't have well paid job when he said that and said that they don't... I just graduated and I feel it must take some time until I will make more money. He wanted me to meet his friends, go for a party with him and for a trip, planing vacation together... but I hesitate because I am unsure if I want to be with him in a relationship. I cannot imagine my life like that, talking about money all the time, planning every expense, to never be invited for pizza by my man, feel ashamed I don't earn a lot.. Except of this one thing everyting is fine, we have a lot in common, great chemistry, interesting conversations, he always walks me home, asks if I am cold or hot, tired, cares about my life. What do you think? I feel I need some kind of nudge to make the decision. Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I've been here myself and all I have to tell you is that it only gets worse. I'm a woman who can take care of herself and am financially responsible and have no problems picking up the bill for dates or paying for big purchases or whatever. I think there should be an even exchange when in a relationship so to be with someone who is so dman fickle about every penny is, for me, a huge turn off. I've tried to look the other way and accept the way my ex was but it can get very old very quick. This is a hard call especially if you really like him apart from his thrifty attitude but as I've said, it WILL get worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust me. 9
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 This is about compatibility....and when it comes to money and how it is saved/spent being on the same page couldn't be anymore important. money is the number one reason why most marriages fail. Nothing wrong with how it makes you feel. You are not being shallow or a gold digger. Everyone has their own standards.....this guy is obviously not the one for you. 5
Gaeta Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I agree with Michell Ma Belle, it will only get worse. I mean he wanted you to refund a JUICE!! I am all for sharing expenses as a general idea but I will not keep track of each time I paid the movie tickets or each time I bought his favorite chips. This is ridiculous. And I am saying this as a woman that earns more in her relationship therefore have no problem paying more. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Just to share an example of the turning point for me... We went grocery shopping one evening for a few staples that included a case of pop. I always seemed to pay for groceries and this time was no different. When we were checking out, my ex noticed that the case of pop offered a coupon on your next purchase INSIDE the box. After paying for everything, he asked the cashier if he could redeem the coupon now for the case of pop we just purchased. She was just a young girl who didn't know what to say or do. I tried to tell them both to just forget it and I'll just use it the next time I'm in. My ex insisted we redeem it that night and save $$. As he was saying this he proceeded to tear open the case, asked for an additional plastic grocery bag so we could carry the cans home with us WHICH I HAD TO PAY FOR and handed the mangled coupon to the cashier. I saved a whopping $1.50!! The commotion he created and the embarrassment to save a whole buck was the tipping point for me. That's when I knew I couldn't be part of that kind of life. I'm all for being smart about my money but this was taking things too far. Ugh. 6
Gaeta Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I saved a whopping $1.50!! The commotion he created and the embarrassment to save a whole buck was the tipping point for me. That's when I knew I couldn't be part of that kind of life. I'm all for being smart about my money but this was taking things too far. Ugh. Woah!! that's mind blowing!
Gaeta Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 - he just respect money". What's that? Who says these things? I would be permanently turned off if I heard something like this. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Meh. For whatever reason, he's thrifty. THAT FACT will never change and you WILL have to deal with this and it will get worse. Drop him. The point of dating is to see if you two are compatible and it's pretty obvious that you two are on different pages with this. Trust me, thrifty people are pretty damn difficult to deal with most of the time. Just my experience.
NopeNah Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I saved a whopping $1.50!! Ugh. What'd you spend the $1.50 on? Whatever it was I just hope you used a coupon! 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 What'd you spend the $1.50 on? Whatever it was I just hope you used a coupon! It was actually $1.40 because I had to pay for two extra plastic bags to carry home the full cans of pop I should have thrown it at his head. It would have been money well spent in my humble opinion 1
NopeNah Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 It was actually $1.40 because I had to pay for two extra plastic bags to carry home the full cans of pop I should have thrown it at his head. It would have been money well spent in my humble opinion Yeah...that's just insane to go through for so little $$...
Larryville Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 We went grocery shopping one evening for a few staples that included a case of pop. I always seemed to pay for groceries and this time was no different. When we were checking out, my ex noticed that the case of pop offered a coupon on your next purchase INSIDE the box. After paying for everything, he asked the cashier if he could redeem the coupon now for the case of pop we just purchased. She was just a young girl who didn't know what to say or do. I tried to tell them both to just forget it and I'll just use it the next time I'm in. My ex insisted we redeem it that night and save $$. As he was saying this he proceeded to tear open the case, asked for an additional plastic grocery bag so we could carry the cans home with us WHICH I HAD TO PAY FOR and handed the mangled coupon to the cashier. MMB: This bought back memories LOL! Went to grocery store and ex seemingly and conveniently “forgot” her “wallet” Yup tip of iceberg… it WILL get worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust me This is about compatibility....and when it comes to money and how it is saved/spent being on the same page couldn't be any more important This kind of stuff is a no brainer. Folks unless you have no dating options and you are seriously desperate to just be with any freaking warm body or pissing away your money and time is not a big deal to you... don’t date broke @$$ cheap @$$ people, penny pinching @$$ Not worth the headache! 3
angel.eyes Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Oh my goodness! Thanks for the laughs guys! My stomach hurts! OP, it takes a whole new level of cheap to mention in your profile that you're cheap, which is basically what his profile said. No surprise then that he's splitting pennies over a cup of coffee or a couple of beers. You aren't compatible. Move on! Either that or come back here in a few weeks complaining that he wants to be reimbursed for the lick you took off his ice cream cone. 4
angel.eyes Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Yeah...that's just insane to go through for so little $$... There probably was a long line of unhappy people eyeballing them as he held up everyone to tear apart the carton of soda and extract the precious coupon!
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 There probably was a long line of unhappy people eyeballing them as he held up everyone to tear apart the carton of soda and extract the precious coupon! Indeed there was which added to my frustration and embarrassment. It's one thing if he wanted and needed to save $1.50 if HE was paying for any of it but I was. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only cheap bastard I dated. I think that's why I tend to be very aware of money and am often quite adamant about being financially fair as much as possible in dating situations. I also tend to be quite generous if only to avoid situations like this. I'd rather take a hit financially for ease and saving face than have to be humiliated over a few dollars. But when I do, it's often the straw that breaks the camel's back. 2
Author Meddle Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Just to share an example of the turning point for me... We went grocery shopping one evening for a few staples that included a case of pop. I always seemed to pay for groceries and this time was no different. When we were checking out, my ex noticed that the case of pop offered a coupon on your next purchase INSIDE the box. After paying for everything, he asked the cashier if he could redeem the coupon now for the case of pop we just purchased. She was just a young girl who didn't know what to say or do. I tried to tell them both to just forget it and I'll just use it the next time I'm in. My ex insisted we redeem it that night and save $$. As he was saying this he proceeded to tear open the case, asked for an additional plastic grocery bag so we could carry the cans home with us WHICH I HAD TO PAY FOR and handed the mangled coupon to the cashier. I saved a whopping $1.50!! The commotion he created and the embarrassment to save a whole buck was the tipping point for me. That's when I knew I couldn't be part of that kind of life. I'm all for being smart about my money but this was taking things too far. Ugh. Oh my! In my case I am scared of embarassment as well, but I don't think he would go that far. Even though he really doesn't like to spend money, he cares about what others think about him. The thing is that I am thrifty as well. I mean, I don't spend a lot of money, (partly because I don't have much ), I prefer to save it for something else, like travelling, language course etc. and to have some savings as well. However, I am not obsessed with that. I don't count money every time I go shopping, I like to go to the theatre or for a dinner from time to time. I don't need a lot of stuff. I enjoy free events and I really like walks.. I am just afraid that is it more than just thriftiness and in the future I would suffer more than enjoy this relationship. Thank you for your answers I realised how blind I was, but at som point I started to think that maybe if he is overall a good guy, I could deal with if it somehow.
Hoosfoos Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Things should always be equitable, as in things evening out to 50/50 financially. That being said, it it nice to treat someone (or have someone treat you) once in a while. But I don't believe in paying someone's way the entire time.
Author Meddle Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Oh my goodness! Thanks for the laughs guys! My stomach hurts! OP, it takes a whole new level of cheap to mention in your profile that you're cheap, which is basically what his profile said. No surprise then that he's splitting pennies over a cup of coffee or a couple of beers. You aren't compatible. Move on! Either that or come back here in a few weeks complaining that he wants to be reimbursed for the lick you took off his ice cream cone. Yep, now I see how stupid I was He wrote about that openly but I didn't think that it was relevant. I guess that I am not the only girl in his life that noticed that he has a problem with money, this is why he wrote that. My precious boyfriend was very generous when it comes to money but he didn't walk me home when it was already dark, didn't pick me up from station when I was comming back with heavy luggage, didn't care if I was cold etc. and I was thinking that money are not that important after all and maybe if he is a good person (?) I should give it a shot.
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Oh my! In my case I am scared of embarassment as well, but I don't think he would go that far. Even though he really doesn't like to spend money, he cares about what others think about him. The thing is that I am thrifty as well. I mean, I don't spend a lot of money, (partly because I don't have much ), I prefer to save it for something else, like travelling, language course etc. and to have some savings as well. However, I am not obsessed with that. I don't count money every time I go shopping, I like to go to the theatre or for a dinner from time to time. I don't need a lot of stuff. I enjoy free events and I really like walks.. I am just afraid that is it more than just thriftiness and in the future I would suffer more than enjoy this relationship. Thank you for your answers I realised how blind I was, but at som point I started to think that maybe if he is overall a good guy, I could deal with if it somehow. I don't think being cheap or thrifty makes you a 'bad guy'. It's just about being compatible as already mentioned here before. Money is a HUGE obstacle in so many relationships, that and sex and if you're not on the same page with either of those hot topic issues it will be a very challenging and painful experience for everyone.
preraph Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 He's a penny-pincher. And look, I know a lot of us have to be, but most of us can learn to deal with it in a much less obvious and annoying way and without seeming so just chintsy. My question to you would be why would you keep dating him long-term when this problem will only get to be a huge deal the longer you're together or if you have a family. There's other guys out there. He just isn't handling his situation well. We don't really know if he's that poor or if he's that selfish, but it doesn't sound FUN, does it? 4
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 He's a penny-pincher. And look, I know a lot of us have to be, but most of us can learn to deal with it in a much less obvious and annoying way and without seeming so just chintsy. My question to you would be why would you keep dating him long-term when this problem will only get to be a huge deal the longer you're together or if you have a family. There's other guys out there. He just isn't handling his situation well. We don't really know if he's that poor or if he's that selfish, but it doesn't sound FUN, does it? Preraph you are on fire today. I am loving all of your posts that I have read. 1
elaine567 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 We don't really know if he's that poor or if he's that selfish, but it doesn't sound FUN, does it? It is not only the money is it? It is the never-ending supply of walks and the fact he doesn't seem to enjoy doing the things you want to do and he never suggests anything fun to do either, even if it is free. So whilst I agree he seems to care for your physical welfare, is he taking care of your emotional welfare? 4
leogirl876 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 A guy that nickel and dimes everything would be a turn off. I had an ex-bf who was cheap, and that gets old quick! I'd say drop him, it'll only get worse. Remember, people are usually on their best behavior in the first 90 days, so think what a year will be like! :-O 1
NopeNah Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 It is the never-ending supply of walks Actually..these "date walk's" strike me as he's basically broke. I've been on walks during dating,but it's normally after a nice meal to connect,ect..Does he wear a fitbit,by chance?
preraph Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Preraph you are on fire today. I am loving all of your posts that I have read. AW, that just made my day! If they'd let me cuss on here, we could really have some fun!
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