Guy swears he is into me but doesn't see me often

[AMJ]

Confront him for the truth:

He was and probably still is interested, but you pushing so hard is driving him away. He's wondering how you'll act once you are in a serious relationship if you are expecting this much of his attention so early on.

 

And I know you're thinking- if you were in a relationship you'd be less clingy since you'd feel secure.

 

Being clingy and needy or whatever just shows him that you're a little bit desperate. I'm not saying you're desperate, but it makes you look that way to him. And most guys don't want that girl. They want the girl they need to fight for.

 

Listen. When this guy texts you, asking what you're doing that night, don't respond to him. Let him sweat it for 12 hours. You think he'll disappear? Nope. He'll start texting you a bunch more times and probably will even call you. Let him. Let him leave you voicemails.

 

Then two days later call him back.

 

You're making yourself waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too available for this guy. Stop it!

 

No more offering to bring him brownies because he's stressed out. Quit that cute GF stuff right now.

[Charmed22]

We talked. Everyone was right, we were never on the same page. He dosent want a relationship just to be friends and he isnt ready to invest time and effort into this. All he wants is just to get to know me. This whole time I wanted more than he does and thought it was more than what it was. I feel so stupid. He is still interested in talking to me and getting to know me but not expecting anything to come out of it. Now how do I go about things, im hurt and disappointed?

[Versacehottie]

I havent talked to him yet. So you dont think I should break things off? I understand that my actions have been pushy but even when I back up and try to match his efforts he thinks something is wrong. I cant seem to find the middle ground and I think its cause its too late. If I pull away and give him his space he questions me which makes me think he isnt trying to fade out on me. I feel like im giving off the vibe that im upset which isnt going to help anything. If I stay consistent than I feel like im being pushy.

 

I keep trying to relax and focus on other things but I cant seem to turn the switch off no matter how hard I try. The longer it goes with us not seeing eachother makes me want to push harder and the more everyone says im being used, he isnt into me, etc makes me freak out want to confront him for the truth. I dont know what im doing and I dont know why im acting like this. This is completely out of character for me to approach dating in this manner and I cant seem to get back to my usual approach.

 

I keep hoping that if I relax things will change but I also cant help but agree with most on here that says that if a guy is truly interested he will make consistent effort to see me from the start. I usually take the black and white approach to this so this gray area is completely new to me. If he is interested than i will know. If im interested in a guy I will respond to text timely, I will want to see him, i will make time despite how tired i am and busy my schedule is. Like I said all I really require to know there is interest is to see someone 1-2x a week (dosent have to be for long) and a quick phone call here and there. I dont feel like I have been asking for much. I have been in a 5yr relationship and dated someone for 2 months and both guys never made me question their interest. In these cases the guys get complacent after a while and the effort put in is less (honeymoon phase over).

 

The case with this guy is there doesn't seem to be a honeymoon phase at all. Isnt it all supposed to go downhill from here? Isnt this supposed to be the time we are excited and want to see eachother everyday relationship or not? Should I expect that if I wait and keep it cool that something will magically switch into his head that he wants a relationship with me and than he will start wanting to see me more? Thats what im being fed and the appoach I was willing to take but there is a side of me that screams that by doing so im settling for a maybe that will never happen. I know he is a good guy but im torn between being patient and relaxed vs pushing for effort I think I deserve and is reasonable and I keep switching between the two extremes. Honestly im well aware there are other guys out and I can probably do better than him but he is the first guy I have felt a general connection with in over a year and he came at a time when I was not expecting which is why I even care this much.

 

Listen, if you still would like this guy, you can just fade a bit and do exactly what a lot of (most!) guys do: fade, so your options are still open with him. It gives you a chance to reset it to being the less clingy, less emotionally-reactive person you'd like to be with him (or other guys). And i think it'd be a great lesson in restraint and how to act that way with someone. Best part about doing it like this is you can still decide not to accept a date with him and tell him he was "too late" and your feelings have changed if that's the case by the time he asks. I don't think it's any less humiliating that what you've been doing. I mean, no guy is that fooled by the emotional outburst. If you kinda are disappearing and he's not quite sure what is going on--just knows it's different and that you don't act mad when he's in contact with you, just a bit indifferent, you look like a girl with options and who knows how to move on if she is not getting the effort she needs. Guess what that does: if he ever was going to put in effort for you, then he will--because you will be in the driver's seat. I REPEAT the trick is not to act passive aggressive or mad with him when you do talk to him, just a little unimpressed. Then he will try to impress you.

 

Yeah he probably wasn't trying to fade out on you. But you are the one acting emotional which he picks up on. He's giving you the level of effort he can and feels is appropriate now--which you said you were fine with but your reactions and chasing him show that you are not. Here's the thing, you don't have to be 100% honest with him if he tries to ask you what is wrong. You realize that's his way of trying to get assurance from YOU and get you to accept LESS!!! Show with your actions or non-contact that he will need to chase you and put in effort if what he gives you is not enough, ie make other plans so he has to book you in advance. After a few "no, ooohhhh sorry I can't do that night, I've got plans, what about Thursday?", he will try to get you pinned down. Make no mistake those have to be real plans--even if they are dull things you do alone. ENGAGE in YOUR OWN LIFE!!!

 

BTW, you didn't give him a honeymoon phase either!!! You just offered up a girlfriendship without him falling in love. YOu tried to pin him down rather than the other way around --that's the difference. The black and white thinking will NOT help you as people are different. This guy even TOLD you he likes to be friends first--translation: let's go slower (than I imagine you will). A guy can't think you are all in (most normal guys!). They have to know their efforts are what did the trick to you falling in love--which is why you let them make effort because it works in reverse too: the more effort one puts in the more they become invested! Look that's what is happening in your own situation. No one (guy or girl) wants to be just a body or feeling like you are that desperate for a bf, you'd take anyone who would take the job. Sure interested guys act interested--but you are ignoring the pace part. And not all of them do that the same way and certainly not at the pace you wanted. Talk probably freaked him out too. Seriously!

 

I don't know if things will turn around with this guy. He may have made up his mind by now, ie for a no. But the problem with you is that you don't realize there is a time where there the guy isn't yes but he isn't no, which is why they go at a slower pace and how that period goes will determine which way he turns. First of all, you should be having one of those periods yourself. Ok, second even if you believed you were already in the yes period, getting anxious and impatient when he still doesn't know is going to drive him to the no.

 

It typically works that way for lots of people in life, about a lot of things. Someone right now is trying to pin me down for something (unrelated to dating). Asked on Wednesday, 5 times on thursday, 2 times on friday. Guess what, my maybe is turning into a strong no. It doesn't matter how much they flatter me or try and pressure me for a yes or make the offer more attractive. I wasn't ready to decide; all I am understanding is that they care more about my answer which makes them seem desperate and the offer not that attractive. I'm getting so overwhelmed by the pace and the fact that they are jumping the gun that it seems selfish of them and worse comes to worse, I will just say no 100%. Because obviously the answer is more important than actually having me. Guaranteed some version of that is what is going on with him.

 

The honeymoon period for the guys is the chasing period--they don't all do it the same way. Actually, I'd be nervous of guys who are giving me 24/7 from the jump!!! Realistically, don't they have a life??? Guys with other things going on are much more attractive. You should be able to tell the difference between a guy who is blowing you off or has a slower pace. Either way, you can ALWAYS decide it is not for you, so no reason to get impatient or insecure. If someone tells you "take it slow", then bounce it back and say yes it would be better to get to know each other before we are EXCLUSIVE, ie I will be dating other people or open to that potential until our paces are more in sync. One of your biggest mistakes was having that conversation and believing it. I think you pushed that convo, right? Next time let a guy push for it with you. Have you fun with them until they do. Honestly, until the actions line up with being a relationship for you, then just enjoy yourself and have fun because there would be no rush to "be" in relationship that you are NOT actually in. Label means NOTHING without the actions to back it up. You left out the honeymoon period for yourself too. It's like you believe the label more than the rest of it. If you tell me he approached you and asked you to be exclusive and that you did not push or manipulate that convo, idk, I prob think he was full of it and be not into him for being lame and insecure. I think what happened is you pushed that convo and he just went with it and said what you wanted to hear--that's how the friends first part came up right? He's was telling you what pace to expect and the convo in itself freaked him out. That was his version of BRAKES and keeping you. Not necessarily a bad thing in terms of how much he likes you, just he was freaking out bc you were pursuing him, all in and he didn't know or want to overpromise.

 

Ok I could say more but i'm late. Just rest assured, if you keep acting like your part of it, you will keep getting these results, unless you want a pushover bf. Good luck!!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Do you need more "friends?"

 

That is your answer.

 

Im sorry it didn't work out.

 

Alternatively you could leave him a voice mail message with frantic clapping and if he asks what's up with that tell him "

"

[deep_night]

he likes the human communication and the emotional support, but that's it :/ not your fault, so dont internalise hs behaviour. its nothing you do or don't do.

[AMJ]

Well if you weren't hurt and disappointed (ie- emotionally invested) I'd say just follow his pace and be friends, get to know each other. But at this point you're probably not going to be able to take it easy. You're just going to continue to get hurt. So I think you need to cut him loose completely and just go your separate ways. Try to learn from the experience because you will end up in this situation again.

[Charmed22]

I'm not going to be bitter about it though I feel like I was led on a tad. Why continue to call me babe and send me kiss faces up until last night if he wanted to only be friends? My feelings weren't taken into consideration I feel like he wanted to keep me around on his time when he is interested. If he text me I'll respond in the same manner as I would my friends. All I wanted was honesty which I got. Im very disappointed but I can't let him see that. I have shown him too much.

[BaileyB]

It probably felt really good to him when you showed him affection. It's up to you to manage your emotions and your behavior in the relationship, especially in the early stages of a relationship... Hard to do, but you need to learn how to do this better next time...

[Versacehottie]

I'm not going to be bitter about it though I feel like I was led on a tad. Why continue to call me babe and send me kiss faces up until last night if he wanted to only be friends? My feelings weren't taken into consideration I feel like he wanted to keep me around on his time when he is interested. If he text me I'll respond in the same manner as I would my friends. All I wanted was honesty which I got. Im very disappointed but I can't let him see that. I have shown him too much.

 

You keep assuming he KNEW where he wanted this "thing" with you to end up. Like most people don't know the END POINT. Definitely most guys. All the mean is that they are willing to give it a chance (which incidently is how you should be treating it). Whatever you do while he is "giving you this initial chance, impacts whether or not he is willing to go forward. So yeah ok he led you on a little bit. Either because you were eating it up or pushing for it and he felt like it was what you needed to hear in order for him to have HIS chance with you. If you were in the right pace place for yourself and protecting yourself and letting other people into your life, the fact that he was telling you things you wanted to hear or felt like he was offering you too much too soon, should have been a red flag. Either of bullsh*t or that he was someone who falls too fast. Well his actions didn't match that he was someone who falls too fast so he's telling you b.s.

 

Idk, it still seems like you don't get it. You realize you were in a test drive stage with him no matter what was said? You should have laughed when he said overly serious things--like whoa slow down buddy. Just like he should have been in a test drive with you. No matter what was said, that's what 4 dates, 2 weeks in is. It can go south at any time because the reality is that you don't really know each other. You should have taken all of it with a grain of salt. I think you sound a bit desperate for a bf (and taken with him--which I do understand).

 

The statement I bolded above shows that you still don't get it. This isn't all about you. There are two people in the relationship, so some compromise is necessary. You are only using the measure of him wanting to do things entirely in your pace and your way as the way to judge whether or not he is interested and if you will end up together. It isn't. And if it's really out of your comfort zone, then walk away.

[AMJ]

Why continue to call me babe and send me kiss faces up until last night if he wanted to only be friends?

 

 

But that's just it. He doesn't actually want to be your friend. He wants to casually hang out with you and see what happens. And casually hang out with a few other girls at the same time. And not be accountable to any of you.

 

And if you feel like he's not respecting your feelings, then he's not a good friend to you, is he?

[Gaeta]

We talked. Everyone was right, we were never on the same page. He dosent want a relationship just to be friends and he isnt ready to invest time and effort into this. All he wants is just to get to know me. This whole time I wanted more than he does and thought it was more than what it was. I feel so stupid. He is still interested in talking to me and getting to know me but not expecting anything to come out of it. Now how do I go about things, im hurt and disappointed?

 

I am very sorry you are hurt and disappointed.

 

Please block and delete him.

 

He mislead you and lied to you. All these times he told you he was interested and into-you and was not, all these times he said he was too busy to see you but was not. Remember those. He is a liar, nothing less.

 

He awaken interest in you without having any intention of making it mutual.

 

You don't need him as friend. You don't need him not even as an acquaintance.