Guy swears he is into me but doesn't see me often

[angel.eyes]

4 dates in 3 weeks and texts initiated by him when she doesn't text him first? That doesn't sound like hot and cold to me. Then again, I pretty much move at a snail pace. But I agree with you that there is a compatibility issue.

 

It seemed to me the OP was initiating a lot and I was wondering if he was initiating. That's how I gage a man's interest.

 

Were those dates evenly spaced over the three weeks or all the first week and he's gone AWOL ever since? Were they just hanging out on those dates or had he planned nice, thoughtful dates?

 

Those were all questions I had until I read her next post with examples of his excuses. Honestly, couldn't date because he had to do laundry??? What's next, cleaning the toilet? His excuses were truly pathetic. He doesn't want to go out with her for whatever reason, but he's happy to engage erratically with her via text. That's not what she wants.

[five2nine]

I'm bemused by the claim of disappearing mid-conversation. How on earth is it disappearing, if there's nothing left to discuss?

 

A friend might send me their address via text message, as an example. I would never reply.

A friend might send me a happy birthday or happy new year text message. I would never reply.

I asked my boyfriend which film he was watching a few days ago. He answered. I did not reply.

 

I'm struggling to fathom the idea that you must always be typing text messages back and forth? Don't you do things in real life with real people? Don't you sleep and eat? Don't you do exercise?

 

 

Pretty sure she means they are having a quick back-and-forth convo through text and then he disappears without explanation. It happens to me sometimes with my boyfriend but then I will ask what he's doing or what happened.

 

Some people like to stay in communication all day! My boyfriend and I do this... Usually 3 hours is the max we will go without sending a message. I don't think I would enjoy only speaking to a S/O once per day, or a few times a week. Neither would he.

 

Personal wants and needs. Doesn't mean either situation is wrong.

[smackie9]

The psychologists and dating coaches alike recommend you cut your losses and run for the hills. Hot and cold is a person that fears relationships, of getting hurt, and has anxiety when things become good. that's why they are all lovey, then go cold, repeat. The biggest indicator is his request to "be friends" for awhile. Like I always say you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. OP if this is too slow for you and keeps you wondering where his interest is at, then you are not compatible.

 

I'm one of those people that waits for no one, just hearing this stuff make me feel frustrated for you. Never did have a guy tell me he wants to take things slow or be friends first.....people who say that I find rather odd.

[Gaeta]

I think this would apply to someone who believes their phone is a vital part of life. Maybe the guy has a life?

 

No, this applies to good old courtesy!

 

You start a conversation and you end a conversation. No difference than the phone to me. Would you hang up in the middle of a conversation without advising the other person? No you would not. Same courtesy applies with texting. This has nothing to do with virtual life. You are not virtual, I am not virtual, so you better treat me like a real person.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Gaeta

[Charmed22]

4 dates in 3 weeks and texts initiated by him when she doesn't text him first? That doesn't sound like hot and cold to me. Then again, I pretty much move at a snail pace. But I agree with you that there is a compatibility issue.

 

It seemed to me the OP was initiating a lot and I was wondering if he was initiating. That's how I gage a man's interest.

 

I haven't seen him in a week and 2 days to be exact. out of the 4 times I seen him 2 times he initiated and 2 times I initiated. He does initiate text messages with me but sometimes they are dry and sometimes he will stop responding. I think there is an obvious compatibility issue but I think its odd cause i honestly don't feel like I'm asking for much.

 

I am the type that likes to see someone I'm dating about 1-2 times a week depending on schedules. As far as texting goes I don't like it and would prefer a simple phone call. I don't feel like I'm being too needy but at the same time Im not sure if that is too much for someone who I'm not official with and wants to take things slow to offer. I feel like if you can't even spare that then you simply don't have the time for a relationship and should be upfront about it instead of saying something will lead to a relationship. I mentioned this to him already and its too soon to see if he is actually taking my needs into consideration. So far it isn't looking good.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Charmed22

[Grisho]

No, this applies to good old courtesy!

 

You start a conversation and you end a conversation. No difference than the phone to me. Would you hang up in the middle of a conversation without advising the other person? No you would not. Same courtesy applies with texting. This has nothing to do with virtual life. You are not virtual, I am not virtual, so you better treat me like a real person.

 

This may be a difference that's significant, I suppose. I don't view anything via text as a conversation. There's no tone. There's no depth of anything. Nothing meaningful can be explained via text messages. No thoughtful silences can be shared for emotions to be conveyed (like would be face to face).

 

Another significant difference may be that you (and anyone sharing your opinion) use text messages more than I do. I've just checked, and I have sent about 30 messages over the last 4 weeks, most of which relate to me teasing friends and my boyfriend or responding to them teasing me, me giving someone my number, and me sending a few photos of a hedgehog.

 

Perhaps another significant difference is I never respond to anything immediately, unless I happen to see it as it comes in to my phone. Sometimes I respond immediately (but rarely), sometimes later in the day, sometimes the next day, sometimes in a few days...

[Gaeta]

This may be a difference that's significant, I suppose. I don't view anything via text as a conversation. There's no tone. There's no depth of anything. Nothing meaningful can be explained via text messages. No thoughtful silences can be shared for emotions to be conveyed (like would be face to face)..

 

Him: What time you want to meet?

Her: How about 8h?

Him: That sounds good

 

That has no tone, no depth, nothing meaningful but it is still a conversation and an interactive conversation. A conversation can be deep or not, a conversation is an interactive exchange.

 

Another significant difference may be that you (and anyone sharing your opinion) use text messages more than I do. I've just checked, and I have sent about 30 messages over the last 4 weeks, most of which relate to me teasing friends and my boyfriend or responding to them teasing me, me giving someone my number, and me sending a few photos of a hedgehog.

I use text for casual exchange with my daughter and friends, my BF and I don't text or rarely. I still think when I interactive with someone on text it is simply courtesy to let them know I am putting my phone away.

 

Perhaps another significant difference is I never respond to anything immediately, unless I happen to see it as it comes in to my phone. Sometimes I respond immediately (but rarely), sometimes later in the day, sometimes the next day, sometimes in a few days...

 

Again not same thing. If you get a text and it fancies you to reply 48 hours later than it's your thing. It's a text, it's not an interactive conversation. In OP situation we are talking about people interacting together on text, that's different.

 

See the difference?

 

Him: How's your day

Her: Not bad at all and yours?

Him: It's alright, can't wait for it to be done

Her: What time you finish?

Him: (nothing gone)

 

Him: How's your day

Her: Not bad at all and yours?

Him: It's alright, can't wait for it to be done

Her: What time you finish?

Him: At 5h. Going back to work - talk later - bye

[Grisho]

Him: What time you want to meet?

Her: How about 8h?

Him: That sounds good

 

That has no tone, no depth, nothing meaningful but it is still a conversation and an interactive conversation. A conversation can be deep or not, a conversation is an interactive exchange.

 

I use text for casual exchange with my daughter and friends, my BF and I don't text or rarely. I still think when I interactive with someone on text it is simply courtesy to let them know I am putting my phone away.

 

 

 

Again not same thing. If you get a text and it fancies you to reply 48 hours later than it's your thing. It's a text, it's not an interactive conversation. In OP situation we are talking about people interacting together on text, that's different.

 

See the difference?

 

Him: How's your day

Her: Not bad at all and yours?

Him: It's alright, can't wait for it to be done

Her: What time you finish?

Him: (nothing gone)

 

Him: How's your day

Her: Not bad at all and yours?

Him: It's alright, can't wait for it to be done

Her: What time you finish?

Him: At 5h. Going back to work - talk later - bye

 

This isn't quite fair on your part. She said herself that there were no open questions, whereas you are posting an open question. Everyone would agree that a question is awaiting a reply, Gaeta. However, a message like "I'm watching Phoenix Nights" doesn't require anything.

[h0000]

So you only know him for 3 weeks? And you already had 4 dates? That's not too bad. But I kinda feel you want more than he does at the moment. Seems like you ask him out quite often but he's comfortable with once/twice a week. You maybe on different pages here. Also Maybe he likes to be alone and won't want as much company as you do. Never will.

[Gaeta]

This isn't quite fair on your part. She said herself that there were no open questions, whereas you are posting an open question. Everyone would agree that a question is awaiting a reply, Gaeta. However, a message like "I'm watching Phoenix Nights" doesn't require anything.

 

When I was dating someone I really liked I would have never in a million years just drop out of a conversation (question or not) in the fear he interpret it as bad manners or lack of interest.

 

When you exchange with someone and you are done it is so simple just to say 'talk later'. What amount of energy does someone has to use to have courtesy?

 

Also in all of the stories I have read on here, none of those men disappearing in middle of an exchange turned out to be a prince charming.

 

His lack of courtesy goes hand in hand with his excuses to not see OP often and his speech about 'being friends' and 'taking it slow'. It means I will not make too much effort.

[Charmed22]

This isn't quite fair on your part. She said herself that there were no open questions, whereas you are posting an open question. Everyone would agree that a question is awaiting a reply, Gaeta. However, a message like "I'm watching Phoenix Nights" doesn't require anything.

 

Him: good morning

me:good morning babe how did you sleep?

him: I slept good, you?

me: I slept okay I kept tossing and turning

him: no response

 

him: so who is your favorite actor?

me: my favorite actor is leonardo dicaprio, I'm impressed with every movie he has been in. who is your favorite actor?

him: johnny depp

me: His movies are great too. I like his collaborations with Tim Burton

him: no response

 

He will eventually text me a "hey" or "how is your day going" hours later completely abandoning the last conversation. If this was an in person conversation its rude to just randomly walk away after my response and approach me hours later with "hey" completely forgetting about an conversation we had going. Why do people do this in text? Im also not old in sense that I'm only 25 I do text majority of the people I know vs calling but if Im interested in talking to them and having a conversation I prefer to call for this very reason.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Charmed22

[Grisho]

Him: good morning

me:good morning babe how did you sleep?

him: I slept good, you?

me: I slept okay I kept tossing and turning

him: no response

 

him: so who is your favorite actor?

me: my favorite actor is leonardo dicaprio, I'm impressed with every movie he has been in. who is your favorite actor?

him: johnny depp

me: His movies are great too. I like his collaborations with Tim Burton

him: no response

 

He will eventually text me a "hey" or "how is your day going" hours later completely abandoning the last conversation. If this was an in person conversation its rude to just randomly walk away after my response and approach me hours later with "hey" completely forgetting about an conversation we had going. Why do people do this in text? Im also not old in sense that I'm only 25 I do text majority of the people I know vs calling but if Im interested in talking to them and having a conversation I prefer to call.

 

I see nothing wrong with not replying in both instances - if someone has so much to discuss on such a topic, they need to call or arrange to meet. I love films, and love talking about films. I mentioned earlier that I asked my boyfriend which film he watched, he answered, then I didn't reply. At some point in person we'll discuss the film, and have a lovely conversation.

[h0000]

Him: good morning

me:good morning babe how did you sleep?

him: I slept good, you?

me: I slept okay I kept tossing and turning

him: no response

 

him: so who is your favorite actor?

me: my favorite actor is leonardo dicaprio, I'm impressed with every movie he has been in. who is your favorite actor?

him: johnny depp

me: His movies are great too. I like his collaborations with Tim Burton

him: no response

 

He will eventually text me a "hey" or "how is your day going" hours later completely abandoning the last conversation. If this was an in person conversation its rude to just randomly walk away after my response and approach me hours later with "hey" completely forgetting about an conversation we had going. Why do people do this in text? Im also not old in sense that I'm only 25 I do text majority of the people I know vs calling but if Im interested in talking to them and having a conversation I prefer to call for this very reason.

 

 

 

 

Those texts don't necessarily require any response. And many guys don't like texting, especially chit chat over texts. Let it go. Don't make a fuss out of it. Those texts are quiet boring to be honest even I wouldn't wanna keep going.

 

 

The only thing alarming is that he keeps saying "let's take it slow". It's either you pushing too hard or him not too interested. I get a feeling that you are coming on strong even though it's only few weeks, (do you guys talk everyday and you also ask him out few times every week on top of that?) and it makes him want to back off.

[Gaeta]

The only thing alarming is that he keeps saying "let's take it slow".

When a guy says 'lets take it slow' it's often because he has something else brewing. He is interested in someone else, he is waiting for an ex, or he just got out of a relationship and has no intention of making it official anytime soon but the occasional company and sex is sufficient.

[h0000]

When a guy says 'lets take it slow' it's often because he has something else brewing. He is interested in someone else, he is waiting for an ex, or he just got out of a relationship and has no intention of making it official anytime soon but the occasional company and sex is sufficient.

 

 

I guess it's obvious she needs more than he does. I don't think he definitely has someone else on the side (unless OP gives more proof) because once a week at such an early stage of dating is quite OK. But sounds like OP needs way more than that.

 

 

If it was me, I'd be fine with one date a week for the first 3 months or something lol but to each their own. May be an incompatibility issue for OP and her guy. But if the frequency is dropping to less than once a week, move on.

Edited August 17, 2016 by h0000

[Charmed22]

I guess it's obvious she needs more than he does. I don't think he definitely has someone else on the side (unless OP gives more proof) because once a week at such an early stage of dating is quite OK. But sounds like OP needs way more than that.

 

 

If it was me, I'd be fine with one date a week for the first 3 months or something lol but to each their own. May be an incompatibility issue for OP and her guy. But if the frequency is dropping to less than once a week, move on.

 

I haven't seen him in over a week. I'm also not having sex with him. His last relationship ended over a year ago and he has mentioned to me that he got used to doing his own thing which is why I have given him the benefit of the doubt. As far as my needs go I'm not the clingy or needy type. Usually seeing someone 1-2 times a week and talking to them on the phone here and there can satisfy me. I maintained an entire 5 yr relationship while doing that. I just feel like im in some sort of committed friendship rather than dating someone if that makes sense. other guys I dated actually wanted to see me and text me all the time to the point where it became too much then they would fade away. while this guy is apparently into me yet acting completely opposite

 

 

This is new to me I have never seen this. Almost like this guy flipped the script on me. That's why I'm asking for advice and perspective.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Charmed22

[h0000]

I haven't seen him in over a week. I'm also not having sex with him. His last relationship ended over a year ago and he has mentioned to me that he got used to doing his own thing which is why I have given him the benefit of the doubt. As far as my needs go I'm not the clingy or needy type. Usually seeing someone 1-2 times a week and talking to them on the phone here and there can satisfy me. I have my own life and my own friends. I just feel like im in some sort of committed friendship rather than dating someone if that makes sense. This is new to me and other guys I dated actually wanted to see me and text me all the time to the point where it became too much. That's why I'm asking for advice and perspective. It's odd for me to be this forward and come on this strong.

 

 

Seeing someone 1-2 times a week and talking to them on the phone here and there is healthy. But how often did you call/text him and how often did you ask to see him? If it was not more that 1-2 times a week, but he now dropped dating frequency to less than once a week, I'd move on. His interest level is not high enough to keep things moving. Talk to him first if you like, tell him you need more than this and maybe, he is willing to step up.

 

 

If you asked him out every other day or something, then maybe he pulled away because of this. Try step back and see if he will come around more. But I have to say not seeing him for more than a week is not a good sign. Be prepared to move on.

[Versacehottie]

I think the majority of this thread is evidence of the same impatience the OP has. I think OP is trying to force a relationship when his actions and words say that he wants to pace things differently/slower. OP "accepted" that but then is not really sticking to it and trying to up the pace by chasing him herself.

 

Why does his position need to be negative about OP? I don't think he knows yet or feels good about her BUT the more recent behavior is making him feeling smothered due to the pace he likes. This in itself might make him lose interest. I personally don't think 4 dates in 3 weeks is bad at all. 2 times him initiating and 2 times her. Hmmmm? In which order did those things occur? And let's not leave out that OP has now asked him to do handful of other things which he declined. That's him initiating twice and her initiating 4-6 times (doesn't really matter if the answer to going on a date was yes or no, in terms of initiating). She is chasing him and not allowing him the space he needs to "want" her. I also think asking for reassurance that he really wants to date you is a bad idea. I was going say pull back (if you like this guy and want to see where it goes).

 

The reality is that you may have already messed it up. If you really feel that his pace is SO unreasonable and out of line with yours, then sure don't date him. I actually think OP is being unreasonable. Even if you guys agreed to be in a relationship--it's only 4 dates in, it's reasonable to allow it to "happen" rather than force it into the only way YOU understand a relationship. Worrying about his actual interest level is insecure. As you may be the reason it is declining. I would say you are in the developing stages at 4 dates in, no matter how you defined it verbally. I mean there is something nice to getting to know someone too. But if you really need something more intense from the get-go, this doesn't sound like it. NOT because he is uninterested but because you don't have same wants and needs with regard to that. He is becoming uninterested perhaps because he is realizing this, just like you are realizing this. That is why it doesn't matter what you say or promise to each other--if you can't get on same page about pace and find a comfortable zone for that, the thing will implode.

 

I think it's erroneous to blame it all on this guy. That sends a message to the OP that what she is doing is totally fine across the board, which isn't accurate either. What a shame if you miss out on good guys because they don't fit how you think they need to be at the beginning of dating. OP, put it like this: YOU don't have enough information yourself possibly to decide if YOU want to be in relationship with him. Try to approach the next one like this--if you do that, you will set up more reasonable expectations for yourself, will be letting the guy chase you AND have a better amount of information to determine if his interest is genuine. It will also help if you hold back because you don't know if you have enough info on the other person yet to make a determination if you want to be in the relationship---that will allow you to understand what it might be like from this guy's perspective and others like him.

[JDPT]

No, this applies to good old courtesy!

 

You start a conversation and you end a conversation. No difference than the phone to me. Would you hang up in the middle of a conversation without advising the other person? No you would not. Same courtesy applies with texting. This has nothing to do with virtual life. You are not virtual, I am not virtual, so you better treat me like a real person.

 

But you do realize is not earth shattering yes?

[JDPT]

This may be a difference that's significant, I suppose. I don't view anything via text as a conversation. There's no tone. There's no depth of anything. Nothing meaningful can be explained via text messages. No thoughtful silences can be shared for emotions to be conveyed (like would be face to face).

 

Another significant difference may be that you (and anyone sharing your opinion) use text messages more than I do. I've just checked, and I have sent about 30 messages over the last 4 weeks, most of which relate to me teasing friends and my boyfriend or responding to them teasing me, me giving someone my number, and me sending a few photos of a hedgehog.

 

Perhaps another significant difference is I never respond to anything immediately, unless I happen to see it as it comes in to my phone. Sometimes I respond immediately (but rarely), sometimes later in the day, sometimes the next day, sometimes in a few days...

 

Amen to all of that.

[clia]

Has he tried to make plans to see you in the past nine days? Why has it been so long since you've gotten together?

[mbee]

I just wrote a post about this as I'm being the guy in your situation with a guy I met a few weeks ago.

 

1. He might be an introvert and prefer his space. I know that I am one and I take hours to reply to texts, like to see a guy 1-2 times a week and so on. You've known him for 3 weeks and not every person enjoys texting a bunch and spending multiple days a week together.

 

2. He's the guy and should be making the effort. I'm not super traditional with dating but yeah I do believe a guy should make more of an effort in the beginning. You are doing all the work for him.

 

3. Give him what he wants. People sometimes need space to think. I know I do. Stop texting him randomly and inviting him out. Chill out.

 

4. It's been 3 weeks... it's okay if he's not interested or as into you as you are into him. You both barely know each other. Go with the flow. If he's losing interest, move on. He's entitled to not be interested in you and you are entitled to understand you are not compatible if he needs more space than you. You've been on 4 dates, not in a relationship for 4 months or 4 years.

 

Tone it down and spend time with your friends. I feel doing this much analyzing early on in dating is a sign that you are way too attached and things may not end well for you.

[Els]

Firstly I do think you're coming on a bit strong for 3 weeks. Might not make a difference with this guy, but worth considering for the next. Don't keep asking someone out while they keep turning you down. Give him space to pursue.

 

That being said, I also think he isn't really interested in you. I'm an introvert and have only dated introverted men (not attracted to extroverts). In none of the cases did we let a whole WEEK go by without meeting up at all, if we were living in the same area.

[Popsicle]

Have you been to his house? Are yiu sure he's not in another relationship?

 

Him saying he wants to be friends first indicates to me that he's not attracted to you so much.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Popsicle

[Gaeta]

Examples of excuses. I invited him to go to a club with friends of mine he said no cause he isn't a club person and went to bar with his friends instead. I invited him to go get tacos but he had to work early the next morning. I invited him to a night out but he didnt have clean clothes to wear cause he was doing laundry. There have been times I have invited him out and he would flat out not give me an answer but change the subject or start apologizing to me for being boring (almost sounding defensive like) While not giving me a solid yes or no. When that has happened he has gone out with his friends (knowing that I wanted to hang out and he never told me he wasn't available).

 

This man could jump up and down trying to convince me that he is serious he would never succeed. Those excuses are lame and weak. Please don't waste your time on someone like this. Let him go waste someone else's time.