Charmed22 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 So I'm dating this guy exclusively who I am taking things slow with. We met on a trip 3 weeks ago and have seen each other 4 times since we have been back home. We have had the exclusive talk and agreed to only date each other and let each other know if we are no longer interested. He said he wants to take things slow to build a friendship before we build a relationship which is new to me. Sometimes his actions can be hot and cold. Texts are sometimes dry and sometimes flirty. Sometimes he will stop responding mid conversation etc. I haven't seen him in over a week. Most attempts that I have made he declines giving me some excuse. I have brought it up to him and straight out asked him if he was sure he is interested and we had a convo where he said he is interested and cares about me and promised me his intensions are good. But its a busy time and he is doing the best he can. He said he likes his space and doesn't want us to be attached at the hip right now since we are taking it slow. I get that but at the same time I am not used to dating a guy and not seeing them that often. Does anyone have a perspective or have been through something like this? Everything in me screams that he isn't interested yet he swears that he is. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 So I'm dating this guy exclusively who I am taking things slow with. We met on a trip 3 weeks ago and have seen each other 4 times since we have been back home. We have had the exclusive talk and agreed to only date each other and let each other know if we are no longer interested. He said he wants to take things slow to build a friendship before we build a relationship which is new to me. Sometimes his actions can be hot and cold. Texts are sometimes dry and sometimes flirty. Sometimes he will stop responding mid conversation etc. I haven't seen him in over a week. Most attempts that I have made he declines giving me some excuse. I have brought it up to him and straight out asked him if he was sure he is interested and we had a convo where he said he is interested and cares about me and promised me his intensions are good. But its a busy time and he is doing the best he can. He said he likes his space and doesn't want us to be attached at the hip right now since we are taking it slow. I get that but at the same time I am not used to dating a guy and not seeing them that often. Does anyone have a perspective or have been through something like this? Everything in me screams that he isn't interested yet he swears that he is. I don't get it. You haven't given enough info. Give us examples of, what you perceive to be, excuses. Give us examples of when he disappears mid-conversation. I have to say, we are seeing more and more people moaning about people disappearing from text conversations. Why didn't you telephone, if an important question was left unanswered? Use text messages only in emergencies. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charmed22 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 You haven't given enough info. Give us examples of, what you perceive to be, excuses. Give us examples of when he disappears mid-conversation. I have to say, we are seeing more and more people moaning about people disappearing from text conversations. Why didn't you telephone, if an important question was left unanswered? Use text messages only in emergencies. Examples of excuses. I invited him to go to a club with friends of mine he said no cause he isn't a club person and went to bar with his friends instead. I invited him to go get tacos but he had to work early the next morning. I invited him to a night out but he didnt have clean clothes to wear cause he was doing laundry. There have been times I have invited him out and he would flat out not give me an answer but change the subject or start apologizing to me for being boring (almost sounding defensive like) While not giving me a solid yes or no. When that has happened he has gone out with his friends (knowing that I wanted to hang out and he never told me he wasn't available) Examples of disappearing mid convos is we will have a convo where I feel like we are both contributing to it and if i make a statement that doesn't contain a question in it, he won't respond until 2-3 hours later or if at all. He has done this particularly at night and the following morning he will text me good morning. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 4 dates in 3 weeks isn't that bad. I think you're probably starting to scare him off a little with the serious talk about his feelings and need to dial back trying to see him so much. Let him come to you. Let him wonder about you for awhile. The texting stuff is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you've asked him out a bunch of times and he finds other plans instead. You've got this whole thing backwards, he should be the one chasing you. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Guy swears he is into me but doesn't see me often You don’t know, that is your problem… So I'm dating this guy exclusively Really? Just think… the following: We met on a trip 3 weeks ago and have seen each other 4 times since He said he wants to take things slow to build a friendship before we build a relationship which is new to me. actions can be hot and cold. Texts are sometimes…. The texting stuff is irrelevant. Exactly! stops responding mid conversation etc. I haven't seen him in over a week. attempts that I have made he declines giving me some excuse. said he is interested and cares about me and promised me his intensions are good. Does that sound “exclusive?” he is doing the best he can. WTF!? Why are YOU, defending him? He said he likes his space and doesn't want us to be attached So I'm dating this guy exclusively I ask again, does this sound like exclusivity!? What is relevant is that you've asked him out a bunch of times and he finds other plans instead. You've got this whole thing backwards, he should be the one chasing you. Yes!! Ladies if you gave self-esteem issues, wondering if dudes are into you read this post multiple times…. he should be the one chasing you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
leogirl876 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Sorry but it sounds like he's not that into you. This guy I was seeing recently was hot & cold and he eventually went completely cold and disappeared. Don't listen to what a guy says, only go by what he does. If he's hot & cold, disappearing in mid texting conversations, etc. then he's probably got other options and stringing you along. Don't let a guy string you along If he's not making you a priority, why are you making him a priority? If I were you, I'd back off of him and see what he does. Don't ask him questions on why he's acting the way he is or say anything about his behavior, let him show you. If he disappears after giving him space, there's your answer, if he comes around and pursues you after giving him space, there's your answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I'm bemused by the claim of disappearing mid-conversation. How on earth is it disappearing, if there's nothing left to discuss? A friend might send me their address via text message, as an example. I would never reply. A friend might send me a happy birthday or happy new year text message. I would never reply. I asked my boyfriend which film he was watching a few days ago. He answered. I did not reply. I'm struggling to fathom the idea that you must always be typing text messages back and forth? Don't you do things in real life with real people? Don't you sleep and eat? Don't you do exercise? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 That is why in my dating years I have never went along with * Lets be friends first * Lets take things slow There were never EVER anything positive coming out of these. You want to date or you don't, which one is it ! Stay away from these men that are sitting between 2 chairs. You're just a time filler. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I'm bemused by the claim of disappearing mid-conversation. How on earth is it disappearing, if there's nothing left to discuss? A friend might send me their address via text message, as an example. I would never reply. A friend might send me a happy birthday or happy new year text message. I would never reply. I asked my boyfriend which film he was watching a few days ago. He answered. I did not reply. I'm struggling to fathom the idea that you must always be typing text messages back and forth? Don't you do things in real life with real people? Don't you sleep and eat? Don't you do exercise? What the ladies are wanting, because I have been there is, when the conversation is over as far as your concern, you indicate so with: *have a nice day * talk later * got to go for now Those indicates you are done with texting and the other person doesn't wait like an idiot at the other end waiting for a reply. Been there, I HATE when people just move along without telling you and there you are waiting for their input. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I strongly believe that he isn't exclusive to you as you both agreed. Dating is dating and I'm sure he's out there playing the field. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 What the ladies are wanting, because I have been there is, when the conversation is over as far as your concern, you indicate so with: *have a nice day * talk later * got to go for now Those indicates you are done with texting and the other person doesn't wait like an idiot at the other end waiting for a reply. Been there, I HATE when people just move along without telling you and there you are waiting for their input. I think this would apply to someone who believes their phone is a vital part of life. Maybe the guy has a life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 What the ladies are wanting, because I have been there is, when the conversation is over as far as your concern, you indicate so with: *have a nice day * talk later * got to go for now Those indicates you are done with texting and the other person doesn't wait like an idiot at the other end waiting for a reply. Been there, I HATE when people just move along without telling you and there you are waiting for their input. Why would you be waiting, though? There's nothing left open. No burning question is unanswered. There's no emergency. People will phone if disaster strikes. Why not get on with life, and look at your phone in the evening or next day. What difference does it make to me if my boyfriend, using 1 of my examples, sends a message the next day or 4 days later letting me know his view on the film? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WhirlwindGuy Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I know that when I am like that with someone it is because im not totally interested. If I was, I would jump at most opportunities to see you. If a guy is interested in you, you will know. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aries85 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I agree with everyone, I mean come on, "can't go out because he hasn't done laundry so he has nothing to wear"? Is that not the lamest excuse ever?! I'm thinking he is non confrontational and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he doesn't mind hanging out with you sometimes, hence the "wants to be friends first". If I'm right, he's the worst kind of guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charmed22 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 I know that when I am like that with someone it is because im not totally interested. If I was, I would jump at most opportunities to see you. If a guy is interested in you, you will know. Thats what I'm thinking. Its confusing cause I have had moments where I purposely stop responding to his dry text and by the end of the evening he will text me asking if I am okay cause he hasn't heard from me . He has began conversations with me and will send me good morning text. He himself has texted me reassurance questions such as am I still into him or asking me if I still like him. I have also given him multiple opportunities to tell me he isn't interested. The exclusive talk came when I was asked out on a date so I asked him how serious he is about me. I wasn't sure if he was dating around and I didnt feel comfortable accepting a date from another person until I talked to him about it. He told me he isn't dating anyone else and has even turned someone down for me. So we agreed to be exclusive and let the other know if we want to pursue other options. The last talk I had with him I told him upfront if he isn't interested I would understand and we could just be friends and his actions have shown me he isn't interested. He said he is busy and trying to take things slow. He said he is an upfront person he means what he says and will not ghost or fade on me. Yet he is STILL acting hot and cold. Thats why Im confused. Wouldnt a normal person with common sense let me know up front if he isn't interested when asked repeatedly. If not then wouldn't that cross the line into intentionally lying to me and hurting me rather than just trying to spare my feelings? Oh and we aren't even having sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 So I'm dating this guy exclusively who I am taking things slow with. We met on a trip 3 weeks ago and have seen each other 4 times since we have been back home. We have had the exclusive talk and agreed to only date each other and let each other know if we are no longer interested. He said he wants to take things slow to build a friendship before we build a relationship which is new to me. Sometimes his actions can be hot and cold. Texts are sometimes dry and sometimes flirty. Sometimes he will stop responding mid conversation etc. I haven't seen him in over a week. Most attempts that I have made he declines giving me some excuse. I have brought it up to him and straight out asked him if he was sure he is interested and we had a convo where he said he is interested and cares about me and promised me his intensions are good. But its a busy time and he is doing the best he can. He said he likes his space and doesn't want us to be attached at the hip right now since we are taking it slow. I get that but at the same time I am not used to dating a guy and not seeing them that often. Does anyone have a perspective or have been through something like this? Everything in me screams that he isn't interested yet he swears that he is. I don't get it. He may very well be into you, however, he wants you on his schedule not yours and that is evidenced by this statement: Most attempts that I have made he declines giving me some excuse.. He said he likes his space and he's busy, so you're a low priority. Even if he's really into you and so busy, etc., he would at least be more consistent with communication and keep you in the loop and he would arrange his schedule once in a while to accommodate your invitations. If you're not ok with what he's offering you right now, tell him you're moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 To me, it sounds exactly like how guys act when they don't want you to know they have a regular gf or wife they're keeping secret. If it isn't that, he's not that interested. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Thats what I'm thinking. Its confusing cause I have had moments where I purposely stop responding to his dry text and by the end of the evening he will text me asking if I am okay cause he hasn't heard from me . He has began conversations with me and will send me good morning text. He himself has texted me reassurance questions such as am I still into him or asking me if I still like him. I have also given him multiple opportunities to tell me he isn't interested. The exclusive talk came when I was asked out on a date so I asked him how serious he is about me. I wasn't sure if he was dating around and I didnt feel comfortable accepting a date from another person until I talked to him about it. He told me he isn't dating anyone else and has even turned someone down for me. So we agreed to be exclusive and let the other know if we want to pursue other options. The last talk I had with him I told him upfront if he isn't interested I would understand and we could just be friends and his actions have shown me he isn't interested. He said he is busy and trying to take things slow. He said he is an upfront person he means what he says and will not ghost or fade on me. Yet he is STILL acting hot and cold. Thats why Im confused. Wouldnt a normal person with common sense let me know up front if he isn't interested when asked repeatedly. If not then wouldn't that cross the line into intentionally lying to me and hurting me rather than just trying to spare my feelings? Oh and we aren't even having sex. People aren't honest when other people's feelings are involved. I've seen this more from women who give you a fake number or flake on a first date. People don't like to deliver bad news. The laundry excuse is akin to "I'm washing my hair". I can't believe he said that. If I was interested in a woman and had all dirty clothes I would run out and buy new ones. Regardless how he is or isn't acting, he is not meeting your expectations. That is your answer right there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charmed22 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 To me, it sounds exactly like how guys act when they don't want you to know they have a regular gf or wife they're keeping secret. If it isn't that, he's not that interested. Thats what I was thinking however I met him cause he is good friends with my cousin. Me and my cousin took the trip and he tagged along. Im pretty certain my cousin wouldn't of given him his blessing if he had a girlfriend or wife. Also I am not having sex we don't see eachtother so I have no clue what I am offering to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charmed22 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 People aren't honest when other people's feelings are involved. I've seen this more from women who give you a fake number or flake on a first date. People don't like to deliver bad news. I get that and it has happened to me but how long can a person really keep that up and to what extremes are they willing to go? Most guys that fade on me do so after a few days to a week and they most certainly do not ask me reassuring questions or say they will be exclusive. Its been almost a month with this guy and I'm sure I have given him reasons to run if he wasn't interested. I have been trying to see how it goes because I feel a normal decent human being couldn't keep up an act for this long. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Does he ask you out? You report here a few instances when you invite him. When does he ask you out? In your shoes, I would let him plan the next date and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Honestly, you have this all wrong. Who cares whether a decent person would string you along for this long? That's irrelevant. Bottom line: he's not meeting your needs or expectations. You want more face-to-face time, and he can't give you that. You want less erratic communication. When someone can't meet your basic needs for communication or companionship, you aren't compatible. Time to cut your losses, move on, and find someone who can instead of hanging around waiting for Mr. "This is not a Relationship" to come back and finish his text. You are wasting your own time! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 In your shoes, I would let him plan the next date and see what happens. In the OP's shoes, I would delete his number, and date others. Three weeks in, daters are excited and putting their best foot forward. If this is it, imagine what it will look like in six months should this even drag out that long and he becomes complacent. Recognize disinterest, and stop wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 In the OP's shoes, I would delete his number, and date others. Three weeks in, daters are excited and putting their best foot forward. If this is it, imagine what it will look like in six months should this even drag out that long and he becomes complacent. Recognize disinterest, and stop wasting your time. 4 dates in 3 weeks and texts initiated by him when she doesn't text him first? That doesn't sound like hot and cold to me. Then again, I pretty much move at a snail pace. But I agree with you that there is a compatibility issue. It seemed to me the OP was initiating a lot and I was wondering if he was initiating. That's how I gage a man's interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 The lame excuses he's handing you while still trying to make you believe he's into has red flags all over it. Sorry OP but I don't buy anything he's selling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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