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I feel bad about maintaining NC

Vixi

By Vixi
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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The ex texted me last night. The ex who dumped me because we were emotionally incompatible...and wants to stay friends.

 

He says he misses me and that he would like me to know that he is still here for me but will understand if I don't respond. He says that he truly wants to maintain a friendship with me and that he hopes I don't hate him.

 

I don't understand...we've only been dating for 4 months. I don't think I'll ever join the "let's be friends" movement because I just don't get it. I was never friends with him to begin with, and I don't understand how he expects me to get over the breakup while being 'friends'. Frustrating...

 

I am thinking of not responding at all. I don't hate him, but I also feel like I have nothing to gain from responding. It would just make HIM feel better about ending things.

 

I need to look out for myself, right?

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mg4514 Member

mg4514

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You have assessed and identified this perfectly. Do nothing. It is simply to relieve his own guilt and it's selfish.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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The ex texted me last night. The ex who dumped me because we were emotionally incompatible...and wants to stay friends.

 

He says he misses me and that he would like me to know that he is still here for me but will understand if I don't respond. He says that he truly wants to maintain a friendship with me and that he hopes I don't hate him.

 

I don't understand...we've only been dating for 4 months. I don't think I'll ever join the "let's be friends" movement because I just don't get it. I was never friends with him to begin with, and I don't understand how he expects me to get over the breakup while being 'friends'. Frustrating...

 

I am thinking of not responding at all. I don't hate him, but I also feel like I have nothing to gain from responding. It would just make HIM feel better about ending things.

 

I need to look out for myself, right?

 

No contact is a tool for for you to manage the pain of a break up and moving forward with your life PERIOD. I view it as surgically removing a cancerous situation from your life.

 

You are absolutely correct, he is trying to feel better about the break up. In addition, oftentimes, they want to remain friends so that if they aren't having success in the future in dating, they can circle back when it suits them. Keeping in touch with them says, "you're still there" waiting for them.

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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Thanks for the replies. Agreed.

 

It's hard to stick to it because I am wondering if he wants me back. And also I care about him, so I don't want to hurt him.

 

But you're right, I have to put myself first. :o

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Screw that.

 

My ex (7 years) wanted to "be friends" to the point of telling me what it was about her new love interest that made her interested in him!

 

 

Don't feel guilty. Dating can be a contact sport. Bruises occur.

 

Good Luck

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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It's hard to stick to it because I am wondering if he wants me back. And also I care about him, so I don't want to hurt him.

 

If he wanted you back, he'd tell you. He won't put out the "friends" card. Best to concern yourself with the hurt it would cause you. He isn't as emotionally invested as you are so it won't impact him as much as it would you.

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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Does anyone ever contact their ex to say that they want them back without first establishing some sort of opening like "i miss you, I'm available if you'll talk to me"?

 

I feel like my ex wouldn't put all of his cards on the table right away, even if he did want me back. The reality is that the likelihood that he does is really, really low. I guess this is why maintaining NC is so difficult. You never quite know that you're making the right decision.

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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If he wanted you back, he'd tell you. He won't put out the "friends" card. Best to concern yourself with the hurt it would cause you. He isn't as emotionally invested as you are so it won't impact him as much as it would you.

 

Yes that hurts...I should have recognized that from day one. I thought we were on the same page though.

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Does anyone ever contact their ex to say that they want them back without first establishing some sort of opening like "i miss you, I'm available if you'll talk to me"?

 

I feel like my ex wouldn't put all of his cards on the table right away, even if he did want me back. The reality is that the likelihood that he does is really, really low. I guess this is why maintaining NC is so difficult. You never quite know that you're making the right decision.

I disagree Vix. I believe he does want you back and you want to know whether he does or not (for your own reasons, whatever those may be).

 

Yeah. I'm a ghoster, and "let's be friendser, you name it, I've done it. I'm a woman's worst nightmare. I'm the guy that gives men a bad name)

 

You are EXACTLY right. When trying to get back with a woman I've dumped....I never just jump outta the bushes and say....."Hey...I'm back! wanna try again?!!" It's not unlike starting out with a woman you don't know. First of all....one has to know if she's even interested in talking with you. Once it's been established that she will, indeed, speak to me....then it's on to establishing some sort of regularity. Once that is established....you kinda know she's "on board" with the program again. The regular talking bonds us again. Then? It's just a matter of picking one's spot for...."Well...why don't we do (fill in the blank)." I.E....seeing her again.

 

Once that happens...the relationship is back on.

 

Rule #1: Never start out with the truth. (from the beginning....it's "kind of" assumed....that if she'll speak with me....we'll end up back together again.

 

As long as there's contact...there's hope.

 

Good luck

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Maybe your guy's different. but from the way he's talking....he's not. He's using my lines....that SOB!

 

 

(Just ask yourself the obvious Vixi....if he didn't want you back...why would he want any contact with you at all? If you really wanted rid of someone's company, ANYONE'S COMPANY, do you call them up? Text them? Tell 'em...."Hey....call me if you ever need me"? Of course not. We say.....GOOD RIDDANCE (which he's already done to you once I may add)

Edited by whatnot
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bighearted Member

bighearted

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Maybe your guy's different. but from the way he's talking....he's not. He's using my lines....that SOB!

 

 

(Just ask yourself the obvious Vixi....if he didn't want you back...why would he want any contact at all with you? If you really wanted rid of someone's company, ANYONE'S COMPANY, do you call them up? Text them? Tell 'em...."Hey....call me if you ever need me"? Of course not. We say.....GOOD RIDDANCE

 

The reason has already been stated here. It's because he wants to keep her on the backburner INCASE he wanted to entertain things in the future. You know, after he has explored whoever it is that made him leave in the first place. Some people do this even subconsciously, to feel that they aren't completely disconnected from their ex. The obvious is he wants to get back together? No.

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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The reason has already been stated here.
Well...it may have been stated, but not by him. So that puts us all on a level playing field. We're ALL guessing.

 

All I'm doing is relaying my experience. What actions I have done in the past. And how I view things.

 

That's all any of us can do. No one here has a lock on this guys intentions. We may like to believe we do. But, in Reality, we can't. We just speculate.

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bighearted Member

bighearted

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Well...it may have been stated, but not by him. So that puts us all on a level playing field. We're ALL guessing.

 

All I'm doing is relaying my experience. What actions I have done in the past. And how I view things.

 

That's all any of us can do. No one here has a lock on this guys intentions. We may like to believe we do. But, in Reality, we can't. We just speculate.

 

Completely agree. Which is why your use of "obvious" is out of place.

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Completely agree. Which is why your use of "obvious" is out of place.
When I've done this, it was obvious to me what I was doing. Just not to the woman I was doing to. Like I said...he may be different. Your point is a good one.
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Vixi Member

Vixi

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Great, now I'm confused again. LOL

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Great, now I'm confused again. LOL
It's all bighearted's fault!! LOL
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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Great, now I'm confused again. LOL
If you want him back....just tell him. If you don't...stay NC. Not wanting him back and staying in contact is no one's benefit. (one man's opinion)

 

good luck to you Vix

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