Thai Man Blues

[floatinglotus]

Hi,

 

I'm new here but I have been reading these forums since November last year.

 

Yes, I am another OW. The thing is, I want to die sometimes. No, I won't commit suicide but for the first time in my life, I thought of walking in front of a bus as it approached me.

 

I can't get over this man. The pain becomes unbearable and all I can do is cry. He told me he never loved his wife. That we had gone too far and that now we had to be together. He said that all he wants to do is take care of me. However, he then broke it off saying that I am in too much pain all the time and that he didn't want to hurt me any longer.

 

I'm sorry for sounding distraught - but I am. I love this man too much and cannot live without him. I can't stop crying all the time whereas I used to be such a happy woman.

 

I discovered his home phone number & address the other day. Yes, I rang. I wanted to hear her voice. I hung up after she said hello twice. I think she knows.

 

This woman owns a business that he's set her up in. Because he works for the government, he could not start a business in his own name so she runs it with his capital. They are not legally married but in Thailand a ceremony without registering is seen as a marriage. He said that if he leaves her he'll lose everything.

 

He told me that he made a mistake marrying her and that I would be a perfect wife.

 

Please help me. I can't go on living like this. I told him as much. We've been in touch and I kept pressuring him.

 

Please forgive my rambling posting.

[newbby]

floating lotus,

how long has it been since you saw him?

my mm ended it with me too a while ago.

keep talking

[floatinglotus]

Thank you Newbby.

 

We last saw one another in January. He lives in Thailand (I'm from another country).

 

I told him that I refuse to accept his rejection as he promised my family and I so many things. I feel he still loves me but wants both worlds.

 

He told me last week he will visit again within 3 months but that he can't do it right away as his wife wanted to visit too as her brother lives here.

 

I just emailed him again telling him I can't live like this. I need to be with him. I gave every part of myself to him and cannot love any other. Yes, he was also my first and I gave him what I promised I would save for the man I would spend my life with (I am in my 30s).

 

I know I must sound crazy. If only you had seen me before all of this. I was a happy woman. I had lovely suitors and then my life turned upside down. I also blame myself for believing this man. Never in my wildest thoughts would I believe I could have involved myself with a married man.

 

I want to go to Thailand and confront him. If he sees me again then he'll realise. I can't let go.

 

I'm so sorry to sound so mixed up. This is not normally me.

[floatinglotus]

Just to let you know, there are no children involved.

[newbby]

I'm sure it must be really hard, you were saving yourself and you feel you dont even have that now.

You want to know that you gave it away to something worthwhile. So much emotional investment aswell.

[newbby]

fl,

it sounds as though you are going through quite severe depression, that may or may not have been caused by this relationship. it doesnt really matter at this point, you need to concentrate on getting well again. when you are well you can review this situation and decide what to do.

if you do go and confront him, isnt it better that you are strong when you do so?

any contact you have with him will be counter productive at this point. also, it is you that matters, not you and him, not him, but you.

it doesnt matter why you are feeling as you do, what matters is getting well again, the person that you described you were, well thats still you, how can it not be?

it would be a good idea to go to a doctor/therapist, anybody who can help you.

in the meantime, whilst you are waiting for your appointment, come and talk in here, there will be lots of people to talk to, to help you, or even just to take your mind off things for a while.

[newbby]

the other thing, the saving yourself thing, i dont know if you are religious.

i am not, i dont see it as that big a deal. however i can appreciate if you do.

[floatinglotus]

I feel as if I've been taken as a fool. I have also experienced a new emotion - jealousy. I am not a jealous person by nature. I've always been happy for ppl to succeed in life as we all have our share of good fortune BUT I am insanely jealous of his wife, of his home and of their lives together. I want her to go away and let me be with the man I'm in love with.

 

Goodness, listen to me. I sound awful! I have never been obsessed and now my whole character seems to be changing.

 

I will give it one last shot and if he doesn't come to me then I will consider telling his wife. Why should he go on with his life without knowing the pain I'm enduring? If he knew the things he's been saying about her, how could she ever treat him well again? He told me her father is a murderer too (my mother laughs when I tell her that one). As the company is in her name, then she could easily take off with it and he'd have no legal entitlement (as they are not legally married).

 

The advice I've been given is that two wrongs don't make a right but I'm not so sure. Surely in life we must suffer the consequences of our actions. I just don't believe he should walk on and leave me behind like this.

[floatinglotus]

Newbby, thank you so much. I posted the last response without having read all your responses.

 

I am suffering some trauma. I have never experienced depression and was a genuinely happy person before all of this mess. My friends don't know what to do with me as they are not used to what I've become.

 

I feel as if my life cannot go on without him. I love him so deeply that the mere thought I would not be marrying him makes me feel that life is not worth living. At the same time, I want to avenge what's happened to me. I feel so confused.

 

I believe life/situations is not black and white but if there are women out there who are being seduced by a married man, please read my posts and know that the heartache is real. It is agony and it drains away your very existence.

 

I want to marry him and I don't want to let him go. How can he hurt me like this?

[newbby]

unfortunately married men are good at playing a game, i'm not going to deny that.

my mm was good at it too, he still tries to play, but he can only go so far with it without his facade cracking, because i no longer give in to it.

the thing is though, with the revenge plan, is well, how do you think it will make you feel about yourself???

you said something about taking responsibilty, well that means accepting that you hurt yourself by believing his lies, and it means doing all you can to heal yourself from that pain.

doesnt it make you feel better if you know that you can be strong and take responsibilty of yourself.

trying to get even, in a way that ultimately destroys you even more, isnt being responsible for yourself, it isnt looking after you. you got into this by not looking after you, you cannot possibly get out of it by not looking after you.

be angry by all means, but dont allow it to control you. just acknowledge the anger and let it go.

dont try and kick him, dont kick yourself, just resolve to heal yourself, and resolve to move on. the very act of making tht decision, will make you feel alot stronger.

do the right thing, then you are a person that did the right thing, even if its doing the right thing in the end.

i know it is very hard right now, i know that you want to be how you were before, well you can be, and you can give that woman an added dimension to. some strength of character that wasnt there before, because you went through this and you survived and you were strong and dignified about it.

[floatinglotus]

Newbby, I know you are right and are definitely making sense. I guess I'm too angry and hurt right now to be thinking very clearly. For some reason, I feel justice will be served by making him hurt as I am hurting now.

 

Of course, if I go down that path, I will lose all hope of ever having him and as it stands, I want him desperately.

[newbby]

just get yourself well.

make that your first goal, you can think about the rest of it later.

dont contact him, until you are well.

for one month, do not contact him at all, but do everything you can to get yourself well. it may mean changing your whole lifestyle for a while. see therapists, alternative healers anyone you can.

try yoga, tai chi (thats tai not thai), acupuncture, reiki....

totally spend one month completely focused on yourself and your healing, and then look at the situation again, oh and keep talking in here, it is very helpful

[floatinglotus]

You are so lovely Newbby. Thank you.

 

Actually, just reading my posts now and your responses makes me feel better. It's almost cathartic and an eye-opener when jotting down one's thoughts (and by the look of mine - they seem a tad irrational!).

 

He's calling me tomorrow so I'll just see what he says. He knows how much I love him and my need for him is so intense. Funny how men make you fall for them and then run away as soon as they know they have you. I've read the Rules but I don't want to be a cold fish. I want to love and experience true emotion. I revealed way too much of myself to him though because I believed him. How I wish I could take everything back and how much better my life would be if I had never met him.

 

Newbby, I'm going to bed now (new job starts tomorrow). I shall take your very mature advice on board and mull over it for a while. Thank goodness I decided to finally start posting.

 

I shall keep praying and dreaming but I will stop fooling myself. I need to start living again.

 

Warmest regards,

[moimeme]

I can't let go.

 

I feel as if my life cannot go on without him.

 

Stop that. Of course you can let go and of course you can go on without him. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO. You 'fell in love' with a lying selfish jerk who is cheating on a woman he once claimed to love. Do you honestly think he wouldn't do the same to you someday? This is a doomed relationship.

 

I love him so deeply that the mere thought I would not be marrying him makes me feel that life is not worth living.

 

This is not 'love'. It's pathological infatuation. True 'love' is the meeting of two indpendent individuals who can quite easily live without each other but who choose to live together, not a totally all-sacrificing addiction to someone which is so severe that you think there is no life without him.

 

This needs to be treated like any other addiction. Quit cold turkey and get therapy to get over it. The more you talk to him, the more it's like having 'just a little bit of heroin'. You can't get him and his garbage out of your system until you shut him out completely.

 

I feel justice will be served by making him hurt as I am hurting now.

 

With all due respect, you are the engineer of your problem having gotten into a relationship with a married man. Trying to 'hurt' him is the equivalent of an addict robbing some old lady - another evil action that won't resolve anything and leave you feeling low.

 

Put your energies into your new job and every time you start thinking of this creep, put him out of your mind. Remind yourself that this addiction has crippled you to the point that you can't even enjoy your own life and decide to push it out of your life forever.

[SoleMate]

Hi lotus -

 

Yes, you are dangerously infatuated. You need to go into total NC (no contact) immediately for your mental health. Every time you do a hangup call to the wife, or email the MM, you are falling deeper into a hole of shamefulness and pain.

 

I sense that part of your pain is based on believing all those great WORDS he told you. I know it's easy to believe. It was also very easy for him to LIE with his words. If you had judged him only by ACTIONS - you might have been able to dodge this bullet.

 

Take back your dignity and your life. You DO have the power! Yes, NC will cause SEVERE pain, but only for a while. Follow it to the letter - move on, get away from Thailand, do whatever it takes to regain the former good life you had. Remind yourself again and again how good your life once was, and how now you are going to rebuild it, even better.

 

BTW - waiting until your 30s to have sexual relations means that this user MM takes on extra importance in your head, since he was your "first". That also can wear off.

 

BTW, please quit chanting, "I can't do it, I'm lost, I'm crazy, I'm going to die, I can't ever get over him, I'm to blame." Do that enough and you will start to believe it. Instead, I suggest reprogramming your internal voice to say, "I made an honest mistake that lots of other people have made. I am choosing to reject him and I CAN and WILL definitely get over him. I am strong, I am taking back my life and my dignity starting right now. I have lots of ability to ask for and receive help and support."

[Ladyjane14]

I don't post here on this forum often, and just about the time when I thought I would go ahead and post anyway....I found ALL the things I wanted to say here already in these last three posts.

 

Originally posted by moimeme

This is not 'love'. It's pathological infatuation. True 'love' is the meeting of two indpendent individuals who can quite easily live without each other but who choose to live together, not a totally all-sacrificing addiction to someone which is so severe that you think there is no life without him.

 

This needs to be treated like any other addiction. Quit cold turkey and get therapy to get over it. The more you talk to him, the more it's like having 'just a little bit of heroin'. You can't get him and his garbage out of your system until you shut him out completely.[/Quote]

 

There is a physiological reaction at work here. Your body is responding to it. The chemical production of your hormones have caused you to experience some really great feelings. The loss of this chemical reaction and these "great feelings" will be felt keenly....just like a drug-addict that goes "cold turkey".

 

But you can do it, if you concentrate on doing what's best for YOU...and reject, as a goal, further involvement with this MM.

 

Truly, love is kinder than this. When you love someone, you want them to be happy and fulfilled.....even if that means letting them go. The extreme desire to hold on to him speaks of infatuation, just as Moi has said. You can't determine if your feelings for him are genuine, when you're experiencing the chemical rush of infatuation.

 

Originally posted by Moimeme

With all due respect, you are the engineer of your problem having gotten into a relationship with a married man. Trying to 'hurt' him is the equivalent of an addict robbing some old lady - another evil action that won't resolve anything and leave you feeling low.

 

This MM has not done anything to you that you have not allowed him to do. You have been complicit in your own seduction, if for no other reason than naively believing in him. When push comes to shove....you could have made other choices, ones that would have protected you better.

 

So take responsibility for that. Believe it or not....it'll make you feel better to OWN your mistakes. You'll feel that you have control over any similar situation that might arise in the future. You'll have more faith in yourself, and more trust in your ability to make good decisions. You will empower yourself by recognizing that you have learned something useful from this.

 

Originally posted by Solemate

....please quit chanting, "I can't do it, I'm lost, I'm crazy, I'm going to die, I can't ever get over him, I'm to blame." Do that enough and you will start to believe it. Instead, I suggest reprogramming your internal voice to say, "I made an honest mistake that lots of other people have made. I am choosing to reject him and I CAN and WILL definitely get over him. I am strong, I am taking back my life and my dignity starting right now. I have lots of ability to ask for and receive help and support."

 

Stinking-Thinking is self-defeating. You are again the "engineer" of your own destruction when you continue down this path. Stop it now... by taking control of your own healing. Be your own friend here. Your current attitude is self-destructive. You seem to be in a fairly fragile state of mind already. You need to be doing healthy things for yourself.

 

Like this:

Originally posted by Newbby

try yoga, tai chi (thats tai not thai), acupuncture, reiki....

totally spend one month completely focused on yourself and your healing...

 

Seek counseling for your depression if you need to, but start today taking better care of yourself by eating a healthy diet, getting the appropriate amount of sleep....and plenty of exersize. You'll get some of those good chemical reactions from this. You'll be building up rather than tearing down.

 

And EVERYONE who has recommended NO CONTACT to you is absolutely correct. You'll start back at Day #1 everytime you allow this fantasy to perpetuate again. Forget this guy. He's a liar and a cheater.

 

Change your phone number, your email address....whatever you need to do to keep him out of your life.

 

When you're healthy and feeling good about yourself again, you'll be glad that the MM drama is over.

[floatinglotus]

Thank you to everyone for posting. I was very naive to believe him - but praytell. Why do people lie? I don't understand it. If it's about sleeping with someone, surely there are people out there more willing to go ahead and do that without expecting anything afterwards. I told him the type of person I am so he knew what he was getting into with me. He made me fall in love with him with sweet words, singing (yes, he constantly sang Thai love songs), telling me I was his dream girl.

 

Sorry, I just don't get it. I couldn't bother lying to someone to caress my ego.

 

I did start my new job today and it was ok but during break times and travelling to and from, my eyes would start welling up. I came home and just sobbed.

 

Is this depression though? I think I'm just dreadfully lovesick and angry at the same time. & Yes, I admit I am feeling pity for myself (at this point in time I think a little self pity is ok?).

 

If you love someone so deeply, surely you cannot ever truly love another again. You may care for someone but I can't believe true love happens more than once. That's what frightens me too - that my love for this man shall never be realised and hence I shall never know what it's like to be in a true love relationship.

 

I'm scared.

[newbby]

with this man you will never know what its like to be in a real love relationship

this is not a real love relationship, its fantasy

i know how addictive it is, mm are more charming because they have to be, and they are more confident because they have nothing to lose

[SoleMate]

...If you love someone so deeply, surely you cannot ever truly love another again...

Sorry, that's COMPLETELY untrue. On the contrary, unless you manage to talk yourself into believeing this dreck, you actually can find someone else with whom you will build a much deeper, truer, more joy-inducing and lasting love. Do you actuyally have any EVIDENCE to support your belief, or is it just something you picked up from a movie? C'mon, LSers, please help Lotus out by giving her some data related to love happening more than once per lifetime, particularly in the case of people who have learned to improve their relationship skills.

 

What other inaccurate, moldy old superstitions do you believe? Check from this list:

 

* If you swallow chewing gum, it stays in your stomach for seven years.

* The motion of planets and starts determines the course of our lives.

* You can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up.

* If you have lost a lot of money on the lottery, your chances of winning the next time around are higher.

 

Also, please pick up some books by Aaron Beck or David Burns, based on cognitive therapy principles. They may help you correct your distored thinking.

 

Also, I recommend that you google for "marriage builders" and read through the site to learn about what creates and sustains romantic love. I hope you realize that love is not just something that "happens": it is created and built through the actions of the two people involved. (Instant physical attraction and rapid infatuation DOES happen, and it sometimes is the basis for the building of actual love, but those are two different things.)

[Deep Blue]

I know that you feel very strongly about this man. He sang beautiful songs to you. You gave him an important part of you, by being intimate with him; something you were going to save until marriage. He told you that he loved you, that he wanted to be with you forever, and that you would have such a beautiful life with him. It's a beautiful dream, it really is. I have dreamt many such dreams myself. But the truth is, it's just an illusion. He cannot provide these things to you. Not now, and probably never.

 

I think in some ways we share something in common. I'm in a relationship with a MW, and I fell in love with her. I became deeply attached to her, and soon believed that the love we had was incredible, one of a kind. But then, she told me that she wanted to have a baby with her husband, and my world came crashing down. My MW's desire for a baby cements her future with her husband, just as your MM's business cements his future with his wife.

 

If it were really true love, then he would be as much in love with you as you are with him. He would have gladly sold or given up his business if it meant being with you. He would have come running for you, and nothing in the world would stop him! He would have already changed things in such a way that you could be with him. The fact that he didn't, means that his heart is simply not there for you in the way that you need. I know this is not what you want to hear., but don't sell yourself short on a guy like this. You have an incredibly beautiful heart, and don't sell yourself shorter than what you deserve.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am sure you will feel this true love again with someone else, but only if you let yourself. Instead of holding on so tightly to your MM because you think he's the best you'll ever do, you may miss an opportunity with a great guy, who will be your true love. Please give this other, future guy a chance, to appreciate and return all the love you have to give him.

 

Love is not jealous, or hurtful. Love is kind and beautiful. That is how you know whether it's true, and when it's real.

[floatinglotus]

Thank you Deep Blue and I am so very sorry for the pain you have endured too. There seems to be quite a number of us folk around.

 

I did end up telling the W. But shall save the details for a new thread. However, I wanted to thank all here for their heartfelt and sensible advice. You are all very kind.