Getting my wife back

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

{sigh}.... It'd just be sooooo much better if she would agree to NC with the OM. It would take ALOT of pressure off of the two of you, and allow you to communicate better over the next month.

 

Come on Ladyjane, you know how unlikely it is for that to happen. In a perfect world that would be wonderful, but human nature, she isn't going to find out how imperfect this other guy is until she experiences it first hand.

 

Maybe I am jaded by my experiences. Maybe you should take a look at it CHAZ. It might help to see other situations.

 

CHAZ, I do recommend you pay close attention to what Ladyjane says. She is a wonderful person with some great insight. If there is anyone on this board that can help you through this, it's her.

[CHAZ87]

DD, I must appologize for the things I have said about the Marines.

 

I am glad to hear that everything is working out for you and your new "friend". You come off as very strong person. I wish I could be that, but I guess it is still fresh being only 6 days. I made a comment to a friend of mine wishing I had someone sitting on my shoulder telling me not to push and be strong. But My emotions get in the way and I lose control and turn right back into the man my wife dispises. I can't get past how much love I have for her. I will be making that amzing thread about your ordeal a bookmark for me if you don't mind. Alot of the things you wrote about were really helpful in helping me see the errors in my ways.

 

I don't know how much of this thread you have read, but thank you for your insight. There was so much information in yours that I don't have a specific area to draw upon. I spent 3 hours reading it word for word. I wan t nothing more then to be passed this problem and moving on with my life. Whether it is as a family or the unfortunate route you had to go down. I do understand the connection you have with your ex and how you can't abandon the feelings of caring for her. I will always have those for my wife. She has been in my life for just under half my life so far(11years). The thought of moving on without her is at the forefront of my mind. But I believe that is a step I can take.

 

Also I am heading to the Dr today to get started with a refferal for counseling and whatever the Doc wants to do.

 

Again, thank you for posting the link for me. Your story touched my heart and as a parent, I offer my condolences.

 

Thank You Devildog

[Sal Paradise]

Why can't you talk about NC? Because she doesn't love you? If anything that should make you want to enforce it more. Seriously dude, you have to go NC or you will stay in pain. You won't heal. She says she doesn't love you, take her at her word and cut her off.

 

This isn't rocket science, NC is a tried and true method to either get over someone and move on, or to make the other person come to their senses. Continue down the path you're going down and you will do nothing but cause yourself pain. Its not going to get better, its not going to go away, she's not going to wake up tomorrow and thank you for sticking by her. You need to face the reality of the situation. Cut her off completely.

[Devildog]

CHAZ, I don't know that there is anything special about me. That strength everyone comments on, I never really saw it. It took me months to get to the point I am at. Early on I was a wreck. Hey, I lost 20 lbs. on the depression diet! Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Work was suffering. It took time for me to pick myself up. Counseling helped, so did this website. And like I said, Ladyjane is an absolute godsend for dealing with this.

 

If my thread gives you strength then by all means, bookmark it and read it over when you need it.

 

I made alot of mistakes, hopefully seeing what happened with me can help you avoid those pitfalls. But overall, the most important thing I hope you take from my experiences, and the experiences of others in similar situations, is that even if things don't work out, the world has not ended. You can find happiness again, no matter how hard that is to believe right now. You might even find your life gets better. Mine has.

 

One other thing. In this situation it is very easy to take on more of the blame than you deserve. While it is a good step to have regret for the mistakes you have made, and a desire to change them, don't beat yourself up too much. In time I think you might find that there is enough blame to share.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

Come on Ladyjane, you know how unlikely it is for that to happen. In a perfect world that would be wonderful, but human nature, she isn't going to find out how imperfect this other guy is until she experiences it first hand.

 

Yeah....but you know I'm a hopeless optimist!!!

 

I'm glad you read DD's thread in it's entirety....because even though he was as shaky as you in the beginning, you see him now....with MOST of his wits intact

Seriously, he's doing pretty well...and more or less happy with his life.

 

So, no matter which way this thing goes....you'll be okay. It hurts like a b*tch going through it, regardless of the outcome. But time really does heal. Hang in there.

 

This would be a good time to read the information available at marriage builders. You'll get ALOT of insight into the "foggy" thinking that is universal among WS's (wayward spouses). Almost everything that you're wife is saying to you right now is 'par for the course'....straight out of the Cheater's Handbook.

 

It'll take time for her to see that. And Sweetie, prepare yourself....because some NEVER do. But, she's not gone yet, and she was willing to read your thread, so there seems to be at least a little hope.

 

You need to be a somewhat thick-skinned here....and not take so much to heart. WS's say ALOT of things designed to rationalize the affair behavior so that they don't have to feel like they're a bad person. And to be fair....most really aren't bad people. They are however, almost ALL of them really confused about how they're going to make a happier life for themselves. Let's face it, this starts because for whatever reason, they are UNHAPPY.

 

Most of them are conflicted, and trying not to hurt everyone around them....and all the while acting out in ways that are VERY hurtful. You're going to be seeing some words and actions that are conflicting from time to time. It's confusing, but to be expected. The WS themselves are often very confused.

 

There's still some time here, so try to relax a little. Rome wasn't built in a day. And this trouble won't resolve in a day either. It took a long time for your situation to escalate into this crisis. It's going to take some time to find resolution here, one way or the other.

[CHAZ87]

I do believe there is a better life out there for me, but I don't want to think about that. I have this eary feeling that the NC I am going to get is having NC with my wife. We are at odds about what to do. She has no feelings for me anymore. She tells me every time I bring up reconciliation that she is in love with another man. Since my wife and I decided to share the house for our sons well-being, it has generally been a happy place around here. I have promised many times in the past about changing and being a better husband, but I went to the well one to many times, she does not believe any of what I say anymore. She does not want back into a marriage that she says she has wanted out of for years. Don't take it like I am trying to horde the blame here, she is not the easiest person to live with, but I would have never left her for it. I am with you DD(I think) when it comes to old fashioned. Men and women who get married should work on the marriage if any problems arise. I see marriage as an ongoing construction site. Constantly building and when the building owners don't like something, tear it down where the problem is and start over with fresh materials to make the most beautiful building around.

 

Thank you LJ, I was typing this ^ when I got your notification. I just don't know how I can keep up the good fight when all I am hearing is, "My heart has hardened for you, I love another man". I am trying.<--- (thank you Trace Adkins)

[Sal Paradise]

Kid or no kid there is no way in hell I'd live in the same house with her while she is doing this. No amount of love could keep me from leaving her.

[CHAZ87]

Let me paint a picture for all of you. Last weekend she tells me she is goign on our trip we planned with a bunch of friends to Chelan. She tells me she wants to go along with our son. I say to her that is fine. Yesterday she calls me and tells me it is not fair to spend the whole week w/out my son and asks me to drive up mid-week. I say OK. This morning she gets home from swimming and tells me to just drive up together, no strings attached. By now I am surprised because she said she needed her space to think. Which I started giving her last night. Said our goodnights and went to bed. No staying up late and talkinh, nothing. After I leave for work she calls me while I am enroute and wants me to know that there are no alterior motives on her part. The subject changes and we get onto our relationship. She asks what about and I tell her we should forget about the past(not just the affair but our actions towards eachother) and start over new with counseling. She suggested dating again, what do you all think, I told her that is fine with me. She asked if she could give me an answer later and I said she didn't have to answer. I am so scared she is going to say no. I am not perfect, but I want to give our marriage the attention it deserves.

[SoleMate]

I think dating is a great way to win each other back. You've both been at fault - we all realize that now.

 

Please google for "marriage builders" and learn how you can do a great job meeting her most important emotional needs. If you do that well, you will become irresistible. Please also check out the advice there on dealing with a spouse who is having an affair.

[CHAZ87]

I don't think that dating will be a graet idea because OM is still in the picture. I thnk I have lost this battle.She is in love with him and I can't do anything to make myself the more attractive alternative. I know we agreed to share the house for the sake of our son, but I can't take the feelings I get when I come home from work or anywhere else and I get no emotion whats so ever. The only person that shows any interest in me being home is my son and my dog. It is a huge feeling of rejection and it is killing me. My hope for reconciliation dies more and more everyday, and I think that makes my wife happy so she can do what ever she wants with OM if I am gone. I am seriously considering moving out next week. There is to much hurt, pain, and memories in this house. I still love her, but my love is not enough to bring her back to me. Should I cut bait and move out? That is probably what she wants anyway.

 

Thank you all

[Devildog]

CHAZ, she only thinks she is in love with this guy. She is suddenly getting something that has been lacking in your marriage. That is all. I would still be willing to bet she gets a lot more from you and your marriage than she does with the OM. She just doesn't recognize that. You can't miss something that isn't gone. Stepping out of the picture might force her to realize what was there that she has overlooked. But I don't know that I would go with that course of action.

 

I think "dating" her would be a great route to take. But you need to do it right. Don't look at it as dating your wife. Look at it as winning over someone you are interested in. Don't look at her as a spouse, look at her as a potential lifemate. Compliment her, be chivalrous. Don't be weak and needy and clingy. Be bold, dashing and attractive. Make her feel that she is special to you again. Don't expect things to be better overnight.

 

Dude, you choose this woman and made vows to her. You said you agree with me that marriage is something that takes work, and you should exhaust all options to fix problems in a marriage instead of cutting and running. Are you telling me you chose a woman who is only worth putting up a fight for a week for?

 

This is an emotional roller coaster. You will have ups and downs. You are on a down right now. Don't give in to a down.

[CHAZ87]

I am truly glad you came on board DD (no pun intended). But if she wanted to date me again. I don't think she would want me exclusivly. She says she has strong feelings for him and only loves me as our sons dad. She asked for space the other night and I am giving it to her, but OM is still in the forefront. Should I ask her if she asked for more space from him? We have not had a meeningful conversation since Tues the 5th. She has started emailing me while she is at work, then she gets home and says she is bombarded by emails. But she emailed me. She is recieveing them from OM as well. As you all can see the incline of the hill I am running up with my shoes full of rocks. I can't make her stop seeing him, just be here as the alternative to raising our son in a split home.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

I am truly glad you came on board DD (no pun intended). But if she wanted to date me again. I don't think she would want me exclusivly. She says she has strong feelings for him and only loves me as our sons dad. She asked for space the other night and I am giving it to her, but OM is still in the forefront. Should I ask her if she asked for more space from him? We have not had a meeningful conversation since Tues the 5th. She has started emailing me while she is at work, then she gets home and says she is bombarded by emails. But she emailed me. She is recieveing them from OM as well. As you all can see the incline of the hill I am running up with my shoes full of rocks. I can't make her stop seeing him, just be here as the alternative to raising our son in a split home.

 

Damn dude, thats pathetic. She is basically telling you she isn't going to give up the sex on the side and you're accepting it?

 

If your son was in this situation or your daughter what would tell them?

[CHAZ87]

Yeah I no it is pathetic. She is coming across as someone who does not want to reconcile at all. She does not have feelings for me any more, so why bother. Oh yeah, to be her doormat. Well I am done. It is time for me to move out and get on with my life and maybe find someone I can trust. The pain of staying with her and the level of "uncertanty" is killing me. I can only take so many pills a day. I still care for her, but we do not see eye to eye at all. I love her, but enough. My pain is getting the best of me.

 

If your son was in this situation or your daughter what would tell them?

 

I guess I don't understand what you are saying here^.

[Sal Paradise]

Let's say when your kids are older, they get married and have kids, and their husband or wife was doing to them what yours is now doing to you. Would you want them to stay around for table scraps and the kids like you are? Would you want your kids to let someone walk all over them the way you're allowing your wife to do to you? Wouldn't you advise them to leave?

[Sal Paradise]

Let's say when your kids are older, they get married and have kids, and their husband or wife was doing to them what yours is now doing to you. Would you want them to stay around for table scraps and the kids like you are? Would you want your kids to let someone walk all over them the way you're allowing your wife to do to you? Wouldn't tou advise them to leave?

[CHAZ87]

Yeah I get the picture. My wife is going to see OM tonight and tell they are going NC. It is a small move, but the big one I am looking for. I hope she has the strength to do it. She did say she is not coming back to me, but give us a chance to have the marriage we want together. Any books I should be reading on husbandry. I need some help in the passion department.

 

Devildog, Ladyjane I need some assistance.

[SoleMate]

chaz, please google for "marriage builders". It has the info you need on how to be a better husband. Good luck, there is hope.

[CHAZ87]

I have been to that site. I have read alot of the stuff on it, even printed some up for reference. I am willing to go as far as possible, but my wife is telling me she may never love me again. I pray I am not wasting our time.

[Devildog]

CHAZ, please keep in mind some people can be bitter. You and you alone need to decide what is best for you. And if trying to save your marriage is what you feel to be in your best interest, don't let others dissuade you from that.

 

If your wife is willing to go NC with the OM that is a huge first step. This is the time you need to step up and show her you are serious about your marriage and prove yourself to be the better choice and the better man. Do make arrangements to get some counselling for yourself. You are going to need it because this will be a difficult road.

 

The book that I ordered from the marriage builders website was the Love Busters book. I found it quite insightful in showing me alot of what I and my XW had done to get to the point we were at. I never got the chance to try to use the information in my case, but it doesn't seem to be too late in your case. You are still living in the same house and she is willing to go NC with OM.

 

Don't expect this to be resolved quickly. You have to be in this for the long haul. It will take time and it will be baby steps. There might be moments where you think you have huge breakthroughs, but don't be fooled. It took time for you to fall in love initially. Now there is damage that must be healed for the love to start growing again. But it can be done.

 

All it takes is one of you to start making an effort. One of you to back away from the escalation of hostilities. If you are not fighting your wife is less likely to fight. Be reasonable. Listen to her. Show her consideration. Little steps like these are where you need to start. In time, she will be joining you towards the healing.

[CHAZ87]

Update:

 

My god I am an idiot. My emotions are running my life!! Every time I feel like my wife and I are getting over a hurdle, my emotions take over and I say something that sets us back to the stoneage. Right now I am doing damage control. Things have been going pretty good latetly. We are getting the house ready for company. She is going on vaca with some friends. I have been excluded from this trip, I paid for it. But we think it is best that we have some time apart. She is taking my son with her to Lake Chelan up here in the NW. I will be living at her grandparents house until she leaves, then I go back to my own house.

 

My question is: what am I doing wrong? I want my wife back so bad it hurts. And in turn I end up hurting her. I would like everyone to know, I do not want to intentianelly(sp.) want to hurt someone I want back in my life. I told her that everything I say to her is from my heart, whether good or bad. But I can't control the bad part. I guess I should be takeing the meds like I am supposed to.

 

Anybody have any extra advice for damage control for an emotionally strung out man?

[ktmrider]

CHAZ,

 

You need to talk to friends. You should reach out to your friends and ask them to support you in your time of need. I find it very helpful.

THis forum is great but it can only do so much. I find that talking to friends help me cope better. They will listen. They will try to cheer your up. Some will give you the wrong advice but all will help you cope better.

 

I was a wreck a few weeks ago. I was not able to eat or sleep. I lost about 5-7 lbs. But lately I have become stronger emotionally although my situation is the same. Give it your all to get her back but do it wisely. Try not to let your emotions take control. You also have to be realistic and have to consider what if she doesn't want to come back. I'm almost in the same boat as you.

 

To keep me sane, I've started to go to the gym. I'm trying to do everything I can to keep myself busy.

I know it's hard. But you have to try. I have been fighting my emotions on a daily basis. Sometimes I win and sometimes I feel like I'm going to break down.

 

I do this once in a while:

I would go to the restroom and stand in front of the mirror. I would look at myself and ask myself, "Do you really want to be miserable like this? Take control of your fears and take control of your life". This calms me down a little.

 

Good luck!

[CHAZ87]

Thanks for that. I do have a lot of support from friends. I understand about the trying to control my emotions. I would go to the gym, but the OM works on the staff there. So I just run a couple miles a day to take my mind off of it. I am extremely on edge with my emotions. I don't joke with my nieghbors anymore, it is just business when we talk. The only person that gets a false front from me, is my son. I am trying to keep this as normal as situation as possible for him. But I have no idea how he will react when I am not home to tuck him in and read him stories before he falls asleep.

 

I don't know how to fix what could possibly be broke. I get messages from my wife that she may want to reconcile. She told me today at Home Depot, "what if he finds out what I am really like and doesn't want me?" I told her I would be there. She also told me in an email that "maybe one day I might wake up and realize what an idiot I have been and beg for you back, but by then it might be to late." I don't know, it seems to me like she is having second thoughts, or realizing that this OM cannot afford my wife and provide her the life she has led for 6 1/2 years.

[Sal Paradise]

What are you dong wrong? Everything!!!!!

 

You need to be more firm with her. Pay for her vacation? Are you insane?

 

You can't live with her. You need to break off all communication unless it relates to the kids. You need to take control of your life and stop letting her run it. Most likely you will never get her back. But if you do get her back you won't get her back by letting her walk all over you. Women don't respond to that. Be a man, be tough with her. Go limited contact, stop supporting her financially except child support. Let her see how tough it really is to live without you. Right now she doesn;t have to. You're practically throwing yourself on her.

 

Telling her you will take her back if the OM doesn't want her? Damn why not just castrate yourself and get it over with. I'm not trying to be cruel but she isn't choosing you over him because you aren't forcing her to. You're so scared of not having her you're willing to take table scraps or sloppy seconds. Do you want to be the guy she settled for? Or the guy she chooses? I'd rather die alone than be with someone who wanted to be with someone else and just settled for me.

 

You're not being a good husband by doing this. ANd you're not being a good dad. This setting a horrible example for your kids. What lesson are they learning from this? Let people walk all over them. And being humiliated is better than being alone.

 

I'm telling ya, you're not thinking clearly. Think about what you're doing to yourself and over what? She isn't worth it. No woman is worth this. There are millions of women are there way better than her that will treat ytou way better.

[Sal Paradise]

And one more thing.......

 

Let's say you get back together under these circumstances....

 

You're basically setting yourself up for more pain. She knows there are no consequences to her actions. She knows you will stand by her no matter what. That isn't going to make her see how great you are and not cheat. She is going to think you're a wimp and cheat on you again. Because she knows you will take it and do nothing. Because she has all the power, she knows you want her no matter what.

 

And I don't think she is having second thoughts, I think she is trying to keep you stringing along just in case things don't work out. She throws you a bone every once in a while to keep you at her feet wagging your tail. She is manipulating you. She's a horrible person. Wake up and smell the manure.

 

And even if you're right and its about him not being a able to provide for her. WOW isn't that great, she stays with you for the money. Lot of love there!!! Come on man, you seem like a nice guy (too nice), you deserve better than this gold digging *****.