Getting my wife back

[Craig]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Craig, if a spouse "cleans out the joint accounts", that's theft, and the judge will definitely not look well upon it.

"Cleaning out a joint account' might not be considered theft unless the act permanently deprives the marriage of that money and even then, depending on the circumstances and jurisdiction, it may not be considered theft. Please note as well that I advised Chaz to consult immediately with a family law attorney and ALSO told him "Don't think that the money is necessarily all yours."

 

If Chaz's wife is acting in an irrational manner, he needs to protect himself first and not give her the opportunity to wreck his life (or her life) even more. We don't know what state of mind Chaz's wife is in, whether she's using crack or anything else. What we do know is that she is acting in a manner that Chaz considers abnormal for her.

 

If, under the circumstances, Chaz "cleans" out the joint account to protect himself and then follows the instructions of the family law attorney regarding that money it shows the thoughtful actions of a responsible man.

 

Originally posted by Craig

Chaz, talk to a family law attorney. Don't even think about selling, destroying, hiding or otherwise disposing of any property without getting the ok from a family law attorney first.

 

You may want to clean out any joint bank accounts as soon as possible, as in the first minute that you are able to do so even if you have to miss or be late for work. Don't think that the money is necessarily all yours. This is another thing you need to talk to an attorney about

[Woggle]

She cheated on you. That is reason enough to kick her to the curb. My ex cheated on me and I left her and never looked back. Infidelity should be a dealbreaker. If you are going to take her back at least dump her for a few months and wait for her to come back to you. Trust me women will turn into putty in your hands when you reject them. My ex is now begging me to tyake her back. Of course I won't but it feels great to see the tables turn. Dump her and be happy with your life. Wait for her to come back to you and if she doesn't it wasn't meant to be. Whatever you do though don't bend over backwards fr hr or beg her.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, it's good that you had a nice talk with her. You're in a crisis situation here, and that's the time to keep your head and not act foolishly or in haste. She needs to see you as a source of stability. She needs to see you as the attractive alternative to going down this uncertain path.

 

These are good questions, btw:

 

Originally posted by SoleMate

What was it like for your wife to be married to you? Did she get the love, affection and security that should have been hers by right? Did you let her know you appreciated what she did for you and your son?

 

You need to spend some time looking at the marriage from her perspective. There are REASONS that she's turned outside the marriage and away from you. You need to identify them and address them.

 

It sounds like it has been a rocky relationship at times. What can you do to improve that? Think in terms of showing her with your actions that you can do a better job of meeting her needs. Words alone will not suffice....although, they too are important.

 

Of course, that doesn't mean that you are going to roll over and give her your permission to destroy your marriage. It's okay to stand your ground....preferable even. You needn't actively help her to tear down your family.

 

Your best bet is to educate yourself on the subject of the marital relationship, and recovery from infidelity. And you need to do it quickly too. There are lots of materials available. Check out a bookstore or library as soon as possible.

 

Here are some titles:

 

Surviving an Affair by Harley

His Needs / Her Needs by Harley

Love Must be Tough by Dobson

The Five Love Languages by Chapman

Not Just Friends by Glass

Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil (McGraw)

 

That's just a few. Choose whatever speaks to YOU, but educate yourself.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Woggle

She cheated on you. Infidelity should be a dealbreaker. If you are going to take her back at least dump her for a few months and wait for her to come back to you.

 

I was going to write you shouldn't take her back right after infidelity and show her that she can get away with it every time. But your kid is too young and doesn't deserve the trauma. If you take her back, let it be as room mates for the sake of the kid. Be friendly with her in front of the kid, but don't share the bed with her (even if you have sex), don't show her affection or friendship. She should see that she cut a strong bond between you two so next time she thinks twice about what she's going to do.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

If you take her back, let it be as room mates for the sake of the kid. Be friendly with her in front of the kid, but don't share the bed with her (even if you have sex), don't show her affection or friendship. She should see that she cut a strong bond between you two so next time she thinks twice about what she's going to do.

 

I have to disagree here, RP. I don't think any married person should settle for a 'just roommates' relationship with their spouse.

 

In withdrawing affection and friendship, he might send the message that the marriage is unsalvagable. What then would she have to lose by extricating herself from it.

 

The challenge here for Chaz is to show her that there IS hope, and that the relationship she has at home has the potential to be all that she ever wanted.

 

But he must do that while establishing boundaries and stability. It's a tricky tight-rope walk, that's for sure.

[Woggle]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I have to disagree here, RP. I don't think any married person should settle for a 'just roommates' relationship with their spouse.

 

In withdrawing affection and friendship, he might send the message that the marriage is unsalvagable. What then would she have to lose by extricating herself from it.

 

The challenge here for Chaz is to show her that there IS hope, and that the relationship she has at home has the potential to be all that she ever wanted.

 

But he must do that while establishing boundaries and stability. It's a tricky tight-rope walk, that's for sure.

He needs to make her work at it. If a woman loses respect for a man it is over. Respect is the most important thing and woman respect a man with a backbone that stands his ground. Once a woman knows a man will be okay without her the dynamic changes.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Woggle

He needs to make her work at it. If a woman loses respect for a man it is over. Respect is the most important thing and woman respect a man with a backbone that stands his ground. Once a woman knows a man will be okay without her the dynamic changes.

 

I agree he should "stand his ground"....but he can do that without coming off as an a*hole. If he's serene in his communications with her, yet uncompromising on behaviors which are detrimental to the marriage, he might just get what he wants. Clearly, he wants his wife back.

 

His message needs to be: "Here is love, serenity, strength, continuity, and home....Over there is uncertainty and chaos."

[Woggle]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I agree he should "stand his ground"....but he can do that without coming off as an a*hole. If he's serene in his communications with her, yet uncompromising on behaviors which are detrimental to the marriage, he might just get what he wants. Clearly, he wants his wife back.

 

His message needs to be: "Here is love, serenity, strength, continuity, and home....Over there is uncertainty and chaos."

Take it from somebody who has his ex wife almost stalking him, women respect a man when he comes off as an as-hole. I reject my ex all the time and pretty tell her that she makes me sick and she still comes an begs me to take her back. I think she never thought I would actually go through with the divorce. She should have thought about that before she decided to cheat.

[CHAZ87]

Originally posted by SoleMate

 

 

My question for CHAZ is: What was it like for your wife to be married to you? Did she get the love, affection and security that should have been hers by right? Did you let her know you appreciated what she did for you and your son? Or did you just sit in your recliner, rousing yourself only to demand another beer and throw plastic cups at her, secure in your belief that since you said you loved her, that felt the same to her as you actually SHOWING it and LIVING it?

 

First off. Thank you for the very insightful replies. I have been blessed by friends both in physical and cyber. My wife and I are roomates at the present. But I believe she will be moving out around 1st of August. Last night for the 4th was horrible. I let my very strong emotions out in front of her and pushed her away. I felt so sick last night. The day I caught them kissing, I told my neighborbut didn't say to not spread it to try and keep it within our 4 walls. Well, people got back from vaca. and found out. I believe we BOTH have the support of our neighbors, but she stayed inside all-night. I did get to speak to my neighbors who have done this to there wives, and I see them now, it gives me hope.

SM, you got it in a nutshell. I did not do my marital part in the love department. Don't get me wrong, I believe I have had my moments, but I know they were to few and far between. I hear what OM has been doing for her and it embarasses me. I come from a very hard family. No emotion was ever shown. My mother and father divorced when I was my sons age. And when we were around him, he disrespected our mother, which at the time we thought it was OK because he let us do anything we wanted to while with him. I believe this is were I became just like him. There is no excuse for what she did, and I am not excusing it, I was not shown the way to treat women growing up. When I "woke-up" I called him a f-ing @-hole when I was 18 and realized what he really was. I have not spoke to him since x-mas.

Sorry for the rant, but I believe it to be relevent. I do love my wife. But I did not always show it. I am not blaming my father for my failing marriage, I am not blaming myself, but I do have alot of regret for the way I treated the one I said "I do" to. Please keep up all your hard work to give me the tools, encouragement, and friendship I need right now to continue. I wish you could all understand how much I appreciate all of it.

 

On a personal note to you Ladyjane. Your words continue to inspire me. Just when I feel like giving up, you reply at the right moment with your words. Thank you

 

God bless all of you.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

....I believe she will be moving out around 1st of August.

 

Well, then you've got almost a month to prove to her that you're THE GUY.

 

The absolute FIRST thing you have to do is.....to get control of your emotions. I'm not kidding here. That's the most important thing on your TO DO list. You can hang it up right now if you can't do that. Your problems will just continue to grow if you fertilize them with indeliberate reactions.

 

If you are not in control of your emotions, then your emotions are in control of YOU

 

That's your new mantra, okay?

 

It doesn't mean that you have to suppress your feelings. It means that you identify them, call them by their correct names...and then make a thoughtful decision on acting upon them (or not).

 

Too often, the first thing you feel is Anger. But more often than not, if you explore a little more, you can find other emotions lurking beneath it. Insecurity, jealousy, sadness, hopelessness, indecision....things like that.

 

Learn to give yourself a Time-Out when you need it.

 

I posted this on another thread. It's not all relevant to your situation, but perhaps enough so that it might be of help to you.

 

quote:Originally posted by ktmrider1

She is telling that she is using the separation to think about the marriage. She will not talk to the guy or see out of respect for me.

 

 

 

Well, that's good.....if it's true. Unfortunately, it's difficult to ascertain if your partner is keeping their word when they aren't living in the home with you.

 

Many people consider a "separation" as a marriage sabbatical in which they are free to explore their illicit relationship without damage to the primary one. The problem is....that it really does damage the primary one anyway.

 

You should be very specific in your expectations here. If anybody is going to go NO CONTACT, it should be no contact with OM. She's still your wife, afterall. It's unreasonable for her to expect that you should be supportive of her 'interviewing' a potential new partner while you hold out a safety net for her.

 

You're going to have to get in the driver's seat here....with a willingness to end the marriage if necessary. I know you aren't prepared to do that yet. But you can't be her back-up plan either.

 

As I said before, she'll cheat or she won't. She'll leave you, or she won't. Your permission will not make ANY difference in this. In fact, it could be exacerbating the demise of the marriage. So, don't give into the temptation to give that permission. It is a solid boundary.

 

 

:She ripped me again on why I waited so long until now to "see the light".

I told her that I understand and that I'm paying for it now.

 

 

 

It's important for you to make it clear to her that you can and you WILL change the previous behaviors that lead to this emotional distance between you. She needs to see actions. What are you actively doing to fix these problems?

 

You can't show her your changes without contact. It's too soon to go NO CONTACT with her. Instead, keep your contact to positive interchanges. Show her the attractive, fun guy she fell in love with. Keep the heavy-duty relationship talk to a minimum. Don't sulk. Don't pout. Don't use any emotional blackmail on her. Minimise the amount of contact. Give her an opportunity to miss you a little. Then blow her mind with how great you are when she does see you.

 

As long as she's compliant in NO CONTACT with OM. Then, be supportive. Put your best foot forward, and try to show her that your THE GUY for her.

 

I know you shouldn't have to compete for the devotion of your own wife, but sadly....that's kind of where you are. You've BOTH allowed your relationship to deteriorate to this point. Now, it's time to go back in and see if there's still a foundation upon which you can build.

 

If she is NOT compliant with NO CONTACT with OM....that's a horse of a different color. She'll need to know that she can't count on you to still be there after her dalliance has ended. She'll need to know that you aren't her safety net. This is where you let her know that your boundary is SOLID, and you're willing to walk away.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is...it's too early for NO CONTACT. NC should be reserved for OM.

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been in your wife's shoes. Here are a few things that my exh could have done to rebuild my love for him that he did not.

 

1. Not pressured me, begged or pleaded.

2. Told me that he loved me no matter what I'd done. That he would have forgiven me.

3. Not alienated me from my family and friends. Instead he told everyone, including everyone at church and I lost everyone who had been in my life for 18 years.

4. Even after I moved out, he could have shown me that he still wanted me by calling and asking about my day, asking me to dinner, spending time with me.

[CHAZ87]

Ladyjane, I am trying, last night was very nice. We talked until almost midnight. I let her read this whole thread, not sure if that was wise or not, but I wanted her to know. She said before she started reading this, that after she was done she wanted to go to sleep. After she was done she went to the bathroom and I got ready fro bed. I laid down and she came into the room and asked if we were done talking. I asked her if she still wanted to talk, she smiled and laid down beside me. We talked for awhile and I offered her the bed because she is injured(not by my hand) at the moment. She started talking about sharing the bed and I (am so stupid) kept saying "I will sleep on the futon, you take the bed," she ended up back on the floor in our spare bedroom then the couch later. I wish I could know where her heart lies. And I hope that it lies with me. I do still love her and miss her.

 

After my wife read this, she asked "where are the specifics?" Meaning the specifics of our problems as I stated before in a previous post. Bear with me and tell me honestly what you think. Yes I have been physical with my wife. I have never hit her, but the things I have done are pretty bad. The night I through the cup at her, I held her down and siad I was going to break her neck. I gave her bruises on her arms, along with the split lip. I call her names, bad ones, and the ones that are a still bad, but not as bad as c--t. I yell at her during arguments.

 

After the cup incident, I went to counseling and saw a psychiatrist. I was intially put on an anti-anxiety med that military snipers use to steady there shot. I wish I had a life-time supply of that stuff! The counseling went great. I asked her to join me and she said no. I continued for 2 months then things started going great. Then they went right back down the crapper. She asked me to go to counseling and I was stubborn and said "you said no when I wanted it." In the famous words of Napolean Dynamite "Idiot".

 

Well that is how we came to our present situation. Thank you all.

 

 

3. Not alienated me from my family and friends. Instead he told everyone, including everyone at church and I lost everyone who had been in my life for 18 years.

 

Mz. Pixie, you hit the nail on the head with this one, she said she should email you telling you how right-on you were. I have to much regret for "getting it out there". But I was hurt and not thinking right. I am truly sorry for that.

[Moose]

Take it from somebody who has his ex wife almost stalking him, women respect a man when he comes off as an as-hole.

This goes on my list of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. No offense to the person who posted this. But, this is NOT true in all cases.

 

Most women I know respects a person who can get his point across without being an asswipe.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, she's well within her rights to leave you if for no other reason than the previous abusive behavior.

 

That said, it seems that you BOTH have alot invested in the relationship. You are parents together. Whatever assets you have are tied together. And it seems that you do have an emotional bond that has kept her with you even when you didn't deserve for her to stay.

 

Your Anger has been out of control at times. You've reacted without self-control in disagreements. She shouldn't have to put up with that. There's just NO excuse for it.

 

The fact that she's still talking to you at all is a pretty good sign though. That could mean that she's still open to you making some REAL changes. This woman needs to be able to trust you....in ANY situation that might arise.

 

So, what are you going to do to make that happen?

 

I would suggest that the very first step would be to get back into IC, and work on the anger issues.

 

Recovery IS possible.

[CHAZ87]

I am going to go to IC, that means independent counseling right? I know I have anger problems, but when people say there is a history, which to me means repeatedly, the physical incident I spoke of was an isolated event. Things got really heated and boiled to an extreme. That was porbably the lowest point of my life, I was disgusted. Since then I feel I have been able to refrain from even getting close to her during an argument. I have never struck my wife with my hand, just a cup. Believe me when I say I truly don't understand why she stayed with me and why she is still here. After we spoke last night when I thought she was going to sleep with me in the same bed, I have this gut-wrenching feeling that I have lost her. What should I do? Stop taking her phone calls? Offering to be there for her, even though I want to?

 

She will still be going on a vacation that we were supposed to go on together at the end of this month with some friends who don't live around here. She will be taking my son, hopefully, by herself. I still love her deeply, I want to change to be a better person all-around. I believe the counseling I had helped.

[Ladyjane14]

Has she agreedto NO CONTACT with the OM?

[CHAZ87]

No she has not. I wish I was strong enough to say NO, but I can't push. "The more you say I can't do something, the more I am going to do it," she has said to me in the past, before this. I don't know how to explain it, but there are things she is saying that leads me to believe we have the same wants as to the outcome of this. I have told her my feelings about NC with him, never comes out in my favor. I don't know what to do anymore. She may disagree with the idea that we are thinking alike, but I just don't know what she is thinking in her head.

I feel like I get anxiety attacks when I start to think of every single detail, word, or action that we share in our conversations. I start to think ahead of myself, which I shouldn't. Like what is going to happen if this works out, can I trust her again? Can I believe her if she says she has NC with him? What can I do to be the she fell in love with almost 11 years ago?

I am scared to death about having to get over her if she doesn't come back. I don't know what I'll do!(nothing stupid or illegal of course)

A neighbor women who's husband left her for awhile, was telling me that her and the husband had an amazing support group of friends. We don't have that. Just our neighbors and the friends we have seperate. I think her best friend is pulling her away and has been for some time. It is hard to fight this battle I have waged to get her back when she is still talking to him, her best friend, and others who approve of this. I am out numbered at least 10-1. My support I get has nothing to do with her, I mean she doesn't speak to the people I do.

 

I must appologize now if I am all over the place in my posts, but my thoughts come at me like a mis-firing machine gun. I never stay on the same thought because of too many upstairs.

[Ladyjane14]

If she's in contact with OM, and telling you that she's "in love" with him, and not you....how is THAT working on your marriage?

 

Clearly, she's NOT working on the marriage. What exactly is it that she wants you to do then? ....Enable her affair? Support her while she dates other men?

 

I'm uncertain as to why you feel that you can't be insistant on this topic. Is it because you think that you'll drive her away? Look around, man....she's already gone.

 

If she won't come to an agreement with you on NO CONTACT with the OM while you two are working on the issues, what chance does your marriage really have anyway?

 

I'm not you....but if I were....I'd ask her very nicely for her agreement to NOT see the OM until legal arrangements were made regarding the separation. If she won't do that, then you'll need to get some legal advice on how to protect yourself and your child from this unknown outside influence.

 

In the meantime....how much do you know about OM? Is he, himself, married? If so, you might consider EXPOSURE to his wife or S/O. Try to limit "exposure" in the future to only those people who have direct influence on the affair partners. Illicit extra-marital affairs aren't nearly as much fun when real life intrudes.

 

If she won't agree to NO CONTACT....then it's GAME OVER. See a lawyer and sue her for adultery if it's allowable in your home state.

[CHAZ87]

I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost. You are right about the not wanting to push her away, but I don't know why I can't get her to respect my wishes. She does ack. them. I have no control, I am on auto-pilot for the well-being of my son. I want him to finally see his mom and dad happy. I guess I should tell you that I do love her and want this to work out, but I told her yesterday that I have been preparing myself for life without her and moving on when she is gone. Which is all true, I am ready no matter what the outcome is. Either way it will be a long road ahead for this man. She did not particulurly like hearing that, but what can I do. I am trying to tell her that the decision is hers.

She told me last night that the only reasons she would have for staying would be Comfort, Security, and Stability. And our son. I replied to that saying that everybody should have that in a marriage and then some. All the passion, love, trust, and others have to be worked on. But I want to give her everything she wants emotionally that she sought elseware.

 

I don't know If I should be asking this, but here it goes. How should I answer her if she says she wants me back. I think the only answer that has come to my mind is to hold her and never let go.

[Drivetildriven]

I was in the same situation, my woman did and said the same thing. I'm sorry, but i'd bet the farm she slept with him.

[Ladyjane14]

Deep Breaths there, Kiddo. It's not over yet. She's still talking to you, and she's still in the home until Aug 1st. You've got some time.

 

You didn't answer my question about OM. Is he married too? That could be important information.

 

Keep working on getting a NO CONTACT agreement. Keep your interchanges positive and don't get down in the muck arguing. She's "in the fog" in regards to this guy, so most of her perceptions about him are probably wrong. She sees him through rose-colored glasses. It's useless to argue about him with her. Keep discussions focused on the two of you.

 

It's ENOUGH for her to stay with you for now because of the reasons that she mentioned in your earlier post. "Comfort, Security, and Stability" are a good enough place to start. There's plenty of time to build on that foundation. All the other good stuff can be added on later.

 

As far as taking her back is concerned....there's time to think about that AFTER the issue of contact with her paramour is settled. You do not have to give her a committment until she's ACTIVELY engaged in reconciliation with you.

[CHAZ87]

Sorry about that. No he is not married. She says he was with somebody for 11 years(married or not she did not elaborate) and got his heart broken. It's funny that a man would do this to another who has been through it. Or my wife could have been feeding me a line. I asked her the other day, "Why is he still single at 38 yrs old, and he seems like the perfect man?" She did not give me a straight answer, she came up with what I said about him being with somebody then losing them.

As for the NC agreement, it has come up over the past couple days. I am reading something in her that I just can't explain every time it is mentioned. I don't know if it is good or bad. But it is better then the resounding NO I got when I first asked.

 

All of our interchanges have been very nice and cordial. They have been fun. We pretty much talk when our son has gone to bed. But last night, when she said she wanted to go to bed after she read this whole thread, she said she wanted to go to bed. I don't know if there was something in it that changed something, but I laid down in bed ans she sought me out to continue our conversation. We talked about the past, when she was first attracted to me and vice versa. It was really nice.

 

I am glad there is someone like you on these forums to keep things in perspective, I appreciate it.

[Sal Paradise]

She's leading you on to keep you in her life. Be a man and go nc and stick with it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

All of our interchanges have been very nice and cordial. They have been fun.

 

Well, this is good. It's important to talk about the relationship from time to time....but you'll drive yourselves CRAZY if that's all you ever talk about. So, you'll want to avoid that.

 

{sigh}.... It'd just be sooooo much better if she would agree to NC with the OM. It would take ALOT of pressure off of the two of you, and allow you to communicate better over the next month.

 

Would she agree to NC until Aug.1st?

[CHAZ87]

Well, last night wasn't so good. I talked about our relationship instead of being a friend. She still says she has no feelings what-so-ever for me. This kills me. She says everybody she works with says she would be an idiot to come back to me, I don't know what to believe. Today I am going to try and talk to my Dr. about depression and anxiety. I am really starting to lose it. I am cracking. All my friends have been saying how supprised they are because of how calm I am. I am starting to crack under all the pressure. I might as well give up on her and move on with my life. I wonder if I should just move out. We had the one big fight last year adn any time I bring up reconciliation, she brings up that fight. What kills me the most is when she says our son will be raised around a man who respects and treats his mother like a queen. Well I know I haven't done my part, but she is trying to tear me apart when it comes to my son. I can't even approach her about NC. She keeps telling me why I would want someone back who is in love with another man? A). Because I love her. I asked her if our marriage deserved another chance and she said no and tried to blame me for why our marriage fell apart. I told her she cannot blam eme for what she did. I did not deserve it. It takes two to tango as the saying goes. I asked her why didn't I just leave her for lack of respect. She replied, "I didn't show you respect because you didn't respect me." She bad-mouthed me in front of our neighbors, whether I was around our not. She blames me for her failing freindships with our neighbors, but they all have attributed that to how she talked to me and about me to them.

I just don't know what to do anymore.