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How do you cope with post breakup stage? Will she come back to me?

h4mz4

By h4mz4
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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h4mz4 New Member

h4mz4

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So I've been with this girl for about 10 months. Our relationship was great and we were perfect for each other in every way. For the last couple of months she'd been acting a bit strange. Lack of affection, communication etc. She totally changed. A few weeks ago I talked to her about it and she said that was because of her depression and her personal life problems. It was a long distance relationship and we only saw each other once a week. We last met 2 weeks ago and went on a date to the seaside. She seemed ok back then. So a couple of days ago we finally had a proper argument about it over texts. She said she's not been happy for a while but can't explain why, not in the right place to accommodate a long distance relationship, doesn't love me the same way she used to but she thinks it's the other things affecting how she feels about me. She doesn't want to hold onto a relationship that she thinks isn't going to last. But for the most part of our relationship she thought I was THE ONE. We used to talk about settling down, getting married and having kids. Now yesterday she messaged me saying she wants to be friends because she can't imagine not having me in her life. She also said she still loves me despite breaking up. I agreed to be friends but we both clearly know I want more. I asked her if she'd consider giving us another chance when she starts to feel better about her life and she said she'd think about it but can't guarantee anything. I asked if she wants to meet up but she said it's not a good idea to meet up right now. Maybe after things have cooled down.

 

Now I know that life goes on and I'll forget about it gradually as I move on. But the thing is, I genuinely think this girl is the one for me. I don't want to feel for anyone else what I feel for her.

 

Shall I minimise contact/stop contacting her completely? Or talk to her as friends? I'm not the one to play games like 'no contact' but if that means I can have her back then I'll do that. Do you guys think one day she'll come back? Or is there any way I can have her back?

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sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Going no contact isn't a "game." It's a tool used for healing. It is not used to manipulate someone into wanting you back.

 

Stop contacting her completely. If she wants to be with you, she'll know where to find you and she'll tell you she wants to reconcile. Otherwise, you're not going to have what you want and it'll hurt.

 

I doubt she will want to reconcile.

 

I get not wanting to feel like anyone else is "the one," but not allowing yourself the freedom to feel that way about someone else will hinder your healing.

 

Right now, this girl can't give you what you want. Therefore, work on healing from this, and later be with someone who will have the relationship you do want.

 

Take care.

  • Like 5
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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As sooshi said, No Contact isn't about playing games. It's meant to help you detach and move on.

 

Given you weren't together that long, I'm not sure reconciliation is in the cards here. She cited distance as being an issue, and if that's not going to change any time soon, I can't see her being open to getting back together. It's not impossible but it doesn't look very likely at this time.

 

Don't try to be friends right now. You will almost definitely get hurt, as you will continue holding on to hope while she moves on with her life. That will sting in a big way. If she starts dating someone else, you will be kicking yourself for trying to remain in her life.

 

Don't contact her and don't meet up. She chose to end the relationship so she needs to see that you respect her choice and also to see what life is like without you in it. She might change her mind, but she might not. Beginning the healing process is win-win for you.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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So many people start these threads with stuff like, "Our relationship was amazing and we were perfect for each other." No. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

 

If you guys were long-distance, then the notion that you were perfect for each other in "every way" is just a platitude based on emotion and not reality. How can you possibly know something like that if you're not even spending that much time physically together?

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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She did not make this decision over night. She has thought long and hard about it. She does not want you.

 

how you go about it and getting over it is up to you but I really think you need to back away because I can tell you now when she starts seeing someone else its going to be like a kick in the balls for you if you carry on like this.

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h4mz4 New Member

h4mz4

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If you guys were long-distance, then the notion that you were perfect for each other in "every way" is just a platitude based on emotion and not reality. How can you possibly know something like that if you're not even spending that much time physically together?

 

I know where you're coming from. I've been in a couple of long distance relationships before but never felt the same connection with either of them. Sometimes it's not just about the physical connection. You may be right but I'm the only know that knows how and what I felt when I was with her

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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I'm the only know that knows how and what I felt when I was with her

 

Clearly she didn't feel the same way.

 

It sucks but is as it is.

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h4mz4 New Member

h4mz4

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Clearly she didn't feel the same way.

 

Would that be weird if I said I know she felt the same? I mean I know it sounds stupid seeing as she ended the relationship. But a few weeks before we broke up, she said she hopes we always stay together. Basically she started acting strange when she changed her job. And that's when all that depression, lack of affection, communication etc started happening. Our relationship was the same as it's always been. She even said that she still loves me despite breaking up. She just needs to be on her own so she can sort herself out

  • Like 1
Lifeissomething Member

Lifeissomething

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Would that be weird if I said I know she felt the same? I mean I know it sounds stupid seeing as she ended the relationship. But a few weeks before we broke up, she said she hopes we always stay together. Basically she started acting strange when she changed her job. And that's when all that depression, lack of affection, communication etc started happening. Our relationship was the same as it's always been. She even said that she still loves me despite breaking up. She just needs to be on her own so she can sort herself out

 

Yes, that would be called: projecting your own thoughts. What happened in the past is no indication of the now. What she felt weeks ago pre-job is irrelevant when she's told you she doesn't love you anymore.

Think you're the first person to go through this? Peruse the forums and you'll find no shortage of breakups with a lot of "everything was perfect and out of nowhere...." that never reconciled. I'm so sorry for how this is going to sound: 1. Long Distance wasn't working for you--you could have much more rose coloured glasses about the relationship than she does. 2. 11 months is about standard length for at least one partner to start determining if the relationship is "worth it" or not....seems like she made her choice.

 

Confusing? Absolutely! It's a total curve ball when the dump happens. We`ve all been there. Hell I had sex with my ex 2 days before she dumped me, and there was no shortage of I love you's, texts, normal relationship stuff the day of the breakup, after a week of hanging out doing normal relationship stuff. You aren't alone with your confusion, a lot of dumpee's are left shocked and bewildered. But look, what she wants isn't aligned with what you want. It takes a lot to tell a partner you don`t love them anymore, that`s not a decision you come to lightly, let alone express. From what you have told us, it seems like she put a lot of thought into this decision.

 

Stop thinking for her and accept your situation.

  • Like 2
Nelli Gardens New Member

Nelli Gardens

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Hi. I am sure that your relationship ended for ever, thats meen stop wasting your time and find interesting distraction. This may sound pessimistic but its true. Belive me, I broke up with guys and I know what means phrase - I want be friend with you, and I still love you.

  • Like 2
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Would that be weird if I said I know she felt the same? I mean I know it sounds stupid seeing as she ended the relationship. But a few weeks before we broke up, she said she hopes we always stay together. Basically she started acting strange when she changed her job. And that's when all that depression, lack of affection, communication etc started happening. Our relationship was the same as it's always been. She even said that she still loves me despite breaking up. She just needs to be on her own so she can sort herself out

 

Oooohkayyy.

 

So she changes her job, starts getting down and distant when she is talking to you and pulls the "I will always love you but I am just too confused right now" line.

 

You do know this is classic "she has met someone else" behaviour don't you.

 

Give it a few weeks and she will be on facebook with pictures of him.

 

Sorry OP but find someone closer to home next time.

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