Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Met a woman about six months ago at a bar. Thought she was very attractive and wanted to take her home, but was not really interested in a relationship. Long story short, we (both mid 30's) started hanging out every day. She pursued and was very aggressive. After about two weeks, she said that she loved me. A couple more weeks go by and she asks me to move in with her. I did, although I kept my own apartment but hardly ever stayed there. This was back in February. Fast forward to the end of July. Her Step Dad passed away, and she had to fly out-of-state to attend the funeral. I was not able to go but stayed behind to watch the house and her (our) pets. One night while she was away, I ran into an old flame at a bar. We spent a couple hours catching up over drinks. At the end of the night we went out separate ways. I thought nothing of this; in fact I was quite relieved that the ex and I were able to hang out as friends. The current girlfriend comes home the day after I have to leave for a business trip. By the time I finally get home, it has been two weeks since we have seen each other. We kept in touch by text and phone calls. The day I returned (7/31) we had plans to have dinner at a very nice restaurant. To make a long story short, the day of my return the girlfriend learns, from mutual friends, that I was seen out with the "ex" drinking and laughing and having a good time. This gets twisted into me being on a date with her. I tried to explain, but the girl would not listen and ended up kicking me out of the apartment. I did the dumb chump thing of calling too many times, sending flowers, etc. After a week of this she blocked my number. Later the same day, she invited me over. I spent the night and we had sex. The next morning she says that she needs a few days to think about things. I don't contact her for a few days. Then I call from another number and leave a voice mail telling her how much I regret everything that has happened and that I love her and would like to work things out. No response and then today I get served with a restraining order!! I am shocked. Perhaps my contact after the fight and getting thrown out of the apartment was excessive but she did invite me over after and we were intimate. And during that encounter she said that she still loved me. So I don't know what to think. I feel used. I still have very strong feelings for her. I wonder if there is another guy in the picture and she is too embarrassed or scared to admit that. I am really just beside myself right now. I wish I could suck it up and forget but this woman really means something to me. Now, based on her recent behavior, I feel like the whole relationship was a lie and it makes me physically ill.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) No response and then today I get served with a restraining order!! Uh, well, with a restraining order, not much you can do about that, She wants it to be over regardless if you want it to stay intact, Maybe the friends said something more happened, or repeated what they heard, Still...., you were drinking with your ex when her dad just passed[] Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
NIGHT1985 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Does a restraining order or no contact order show up on your record?
Art_Critic Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Does a restraining order or no contact order show up on your record? You bet it does, it is part of your public record.... The best the OP can do at this point is take the order SERIOUSLY, she is only one step away from putting you in jail.. BTW, all it takes on her end is a phone call saying you were at her home, I would make sure your whereabouts are trackable, keep receipts of places you buy stuff in order to maybe have to prove you were not at her house.. Even make videos of yourself on occasion showing where you are.. you are vulnerable right now and have no idea what position you have been put it.. Take this order seriously... 1
Zahara Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) Your past threads note that you texted the ex telling her you missed her and the girlfriend found the text. I would have dumped you then. While she's grieving her step father, you text your ex, then you're out with the ex you still miss. You didn't just "run into" her. Bad behavior on your part. Regardless, from your past threads, seems like you both were already having a hard time maintaining this short relationship in a healthy manner. Stay away. Nothing much you can do about a restraining order. Edited August 17, 2016 by Zahara 3
ChickiePops Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 It sounds like you have a history of harassing women and not taking no for an answer. Perhaps this will be a good wake up call. If someone says leave me alone, leave them the hell alone!! And if it is the same ex you posted about previously, I'd dump you and block you too. You have a LOT of self-reflection to do and a lot to learn about relationships before you should attempt to get into another one. Lesson one - you cannot be friends with an ex.
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Where do you live, scotty? In most places, "broke up with" isn't near enough grounds for any judge to even consider issuing a restraining order. Did the contacting her part happen to include stuff like telling her you thought you should both die together or you want to keep her kidneys in your den? Otherwise I don't quite see how this came about. 1
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Thank you for the advice. I know that I need to suck it up and move on. And I am also aware that I brought this on myself by continuing to contact her when she asked me to stop. However, she confused things by inviting me over just a week before requesting the order. So you invite me over, have sex with me, and then subsequently file for a restraining order because you are afraid of me? That makes absolutely no sense. The police officer who called to let me know she had filed agreed that I had not behaved in a violent or threatening manner as well. But she requested the order and they will issue a temporary restraining order with little to no cause. The order expires in 14 days at which tint both of us must attend a hearing and the judge will decide whether to drop the case, issue a 1-year order, 2-year order or 3-year order. I certainly do not want to play the victim card here, but I do feel a little used by this woman. Like I said, initially I was not very interested and she very aggressively pursued me. I honestly think she just didn't want to be alone. I filled that "void" for about 6 months and then she just kicked me to the curb. No discussion. Nothing. Like I'm disposable. I also have the feeling that there is another man in the picture. She called one night when I was on my work trip. Her voice was shakey and she said, "Something very unexpected happened today, but I can't talk about it right now." Then when I was over at her place last week, I noticed that there were two bath towels hanging in the bathroom. She lives alone. I brought it up and she said that she used one towel for her body and one towel to dye her hair. Thing is she still had the streaks of grey in her hair that she has always had. I know I have to let it go, but I am seething with anger right now. I am afraid that I will hurt her.
Redhead14 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Where do you live, scotty? In most places, "broke up with" isn't near enough grounds for any judge to even consider issuing a restraining order. Did the contacting her part happen to include stuff like telling her you thought you should both die together or you want to keep her kidneys in your den? Otherwise I don't quite see how this came about. I agree with this. From the OPs description of the events, a woman seeking a restraining order would be an extreme reaction. I suspect that the OP isn't being real or completely forthcoming about the events leading up to this. Perhaps, he simply doesn't understand that his behavior was threatening or abusive in some way. Some people do not understand what constitutes abuse or harrassment. It's possible that this woman is an overreacter, but the legal system would ferret that out. And, yes, sometimes women embellish/lie about what happened, so it's possible this was unjustified.
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 In California, excessive calling/text messaging/e-mailing is considered a form of "domestic violence", even if the messages do not contain threats. Also, yes, you guys are right that it was extremely insensitive/disrespectful of me to "hang out" with an ex while my girlfriend was with her family burying her Step Dad. However, I had no intention of taking it any further than that or going back to the ex. I "missed" her in the same way that you would miss an old friend or acquaintance you had not seen in a long time.
ChickiePops Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 You think you're going to hurt her??? What?? Please don't be alone right now. Call a friend or a family member to come and be with you until you calm down. Please. 1
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 In California, excessive calling/text messaging/e-mailing is considered a form of "domestic violence", even if the messages do not contain threats. Can you point to a statute that states that? All I can find on CA DV is this - (a) "Abuse" means intentionally or recklessly causing or attempting to cause bodily injury, or placing another person in reasonable apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to himself or herself, or another. (b) "Domestic violence" means abuse committed against an adult or a minor who is a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former cohabitant, or person with whom the suspect has had a child or is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship. For purposes of this subdivision, "cohabitant" means two unrelated adult persons living together for a substantial period of time, resulting in some permanency of relationship. Factors that may determine whether persons are cohabiting include, but are not limited to, (1) sexual relations between the parties while sharing the same living quarters, (2) sharing of income or expenses, (3) joint use or ownership of property, (4) whether the parties hold themselves out as husband and wife, (5) the continuity of the relationship, and (6) the length of the relationship. I know you didn't start this thread to debate the definition of DV but I think it's important we know what the exact situation is before we can evaluate it meaningfully.
bighearted Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) Simple explanation to this. Your girlfriend is [] crazy []. Run. Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 1
BlueIris Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 .... I know I have to let it go, but I am seething with anger right now. I am afraid that I will hurt her. That's trouble. Stay 100% completely away and out of contact. Think of it this way: It is irretrievably over and the silver lining is that the TRO forces you into NC and you can't hurt her now no matter how angry you might be.
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Of course I don't want to hurt her, but I am pretty sure that she deceived me and is using the night I had drinks with the "ex" as an excuse. (Don't get me wrong, it is a very good excuse.) I think the real story is that she had someone else lined up and was going to "monkey branch" to him anyway. My reasons for believing this: 1. While I was away for work, and before she found out about the evening out with my "ex", she called me and said, in a trembling voice, "Something very unexpected happened today, but I can't talk about it." I pressed a little and she said "I am not ready to discuss it yet but I will tell you when you get home." 2. Upon finding out about my night out with the "ex", she at first said that she wasn't sure if she could forgive me and did not know if she wanted to continue our relationship. Quoting from one of her texts on August 2, "I love you but I need time to sort out my feelings." 3. When she invited me over on August 8, there were two bath towels hanging in her bathroom. I had not been there for over a week at that point so why would there be two towels? Her explanation that one towel was for her body and the other was used for dying her hair did not wash (bad pun-sorry) because she had not, in fact, dyed her hair that I could tell. There were also empty cigarette packs in the trash of a brand that she does not smoke. And empty beer bottles in the trash. I've never seen her drink beer. I also noticed, while in the bathroom the next morning, that there were muddy foot prints in the bath tub. She doesn't do anything for work where her feet would get that dirty. 4. I have heard through the grapevine that she has been out at different bars in town with the same guy. Conveniently, she told the owners of the bars that she was not comfortable with me being there because of what has happened, so I am not allowed to go into those bars. In other words, I can't interfere with her situation with this guy if I can't physically be there. I know you guys are going to say, "So what, Scott?" Well, this woman told me that she was in love with me and moved me into her home. I thought that I had finally found someone who was honest and did not play games. And now I feel like the whole relationship was a lie. I mean, why else would she be afraid of me to the point of getting the Court involved....the only thing that makes sense is she is afraid I am going to figure out that she deceived me and go ape sh*t on her.
GorillaTheater Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I know I have to let it go, but I am seething with anger right now. I am afraid that I will hurt her. why else would she be afraid of me to the point of getting the Court involved....the only thing that makes sense is she is afraid I am going to figure out that she deceived me and go ape sh*t on her. Doesn't sound like she's wrong, at least about you going ape sh*t on her. Maybe her getting an RO was good plan. 6
BlueIris Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Of course I don't want to hurt her, but ... <> ....the only thing that makes sense is she is afraid I am going to figure out that she deceived me and go ape sh*t on her. Well maybe you can't see it but judging from how obsessively you're looping on this, saying you're afraid you might hurt her, gyrating to assign blame and imagining scenarios, she has reason to be scared. That you don't understand is also a problem. Get counseling and be honest with your counselor.
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 GorillaTheater, I have every right to be pissed. If my assumptions are correct, then she basically used me to save her from being alone for 6 months until the guy that she really wanted to date came along. Maybe that was her plan all along. In her job, she is reassigned every few years and it's possible that this guy was just reassigned to our town and she knew he was coming. I would have had no way of knowing that. It really sucks. Like I said, I thought that I had finally found someone who was really into me and was not playing games.
GorillaTheater Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 GorillaTheater, I have every right to be pissed. If my assumptions are correct, then she basically used me to save her from being alone for 6 months until the guy that she really wanted to date came along. Maybe that was her plan all along. In her job, she is reassigned every few years and it's possible that this guy was just reassigned to our town and she knew he was coming. I would have had no way of knowing that. It really sucks. Like I said, I thought that I had finally found someone who was really into me and was not playing games. Sure, you have the right to be pissed, IF you're right, but even if you are right to be pissed, so what? It's one thing to be pissed and something entirely different to talk about acting out because you're pissed. You're here talking about how you're afraid that you want to hurt her. How much of a clairvoyant does she have to be to pick up on that? 2
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 I've been lied to and cheated on before in ways that were pretty hideous (I caught one girlfriend writing letters to a guy in prison while she was with me). I thought this woman was different, and she made me feel amazing because she accepted me for who I am and seemed to really adore/respect me. She treated me extremely well, welcomed me into her home and all around seemed to be very serious about having a committed relationship with me. Then she kicks me to the curb over having drinks with an ex? With no discussion, not even wanting to hear my side? And goes out and files for a restraining order because what... because I knocked on her door a few times? Because I texted too many times trying to apologize/make amends? I feel used. I feel duped. And seriously disappointed. I'm tired of becoming invested in someone and then having them toss me to the curb like a piece of garbage when I don't suit their needs anymore. So, yes, as much as I know it will ruin my life, there is a huge part of me that wants to beat her into a bloody pulp just to send the message that she played her games on the wrong guy this time. Her and everyone before her who lied to me or cheated, or did some other shady crap behind my back.
Author Scottyd Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 I can see the temporary order on the docket for our county's court. So I know that she filed it, but I have not been served. A police officer also called me to let me know that the order had been issued and that any contact after I hung up the phone with him would be a violation of the order and I would be subject to arrest. I called the PD main number and verified that an officer with that name did, in fact, work there. I also had them transfer me to his voice mail and the voice on the recording was the same as the voice of the person who called me. So, no, it does not appear to be a bluff.
Blanco Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Some people cannot bear to be single, but it's not worth dousing your life with gasoline if you happen to be one of many guys on the receiving end of this. Yes, feel the anger for a couple of days, but don't let it fester. This relationship is over. I would argue that you ignored some pretty clear red flags in the beginning of this relationship, so let this experience be a defining moment of sorts for you in terms of having stronger boundaries in future relationships. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 There is nothing you can do now. It's over and you have to move on. You can be pissed off. You can feel used. None of that is wrong. But something tells me she senses you have a temper and is protecting herself because she is - as you put it yourself - afraid you will hurt her. Respect the order and go the hearing. Never have any contact with this woman again unless you want to completely mess up your own life. 1
ChickiePops Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Dude, you've really got to pull it together. It sounds like it was a toxic relationship anyway, so leave it alone.
William Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Folks, noting a meta-discussion developed on another member's personal issues, I moved those posts to a new thread and please continue to discuss that topic in that thread and remain focused on the topic starter here in this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/591840-my-exgf-told-me-she-filed-no-contact-order-my-excessive-contact-calling Thanks!
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