I am an OW, pregnant by MM

[ChickiePops]

A good lawyer will not fabricate documents. For goodness sake do some research for yourself instead of just speculating and freaking yourself out!

 

Also, in order for him to take the baby (which is highly, highly unlikely), he'd have to tell his wife everything. Why would he do that? And why would you want this toxic, abusive man in your little girls life anyway?

 

Just focus on being a good mother.

[sandylee1]

I would advise against giving her his last name. At the very least double barrel her surname with yours.

 

You've had a horrible upbringing and you need help. I'm not sure what country you're in, but here's a site for mums and mums to be. There are various forums on topics including pregnancy/motherhood /relationships/lone families.

 

Mumsnet Discussion

 

 

You can get a wealth of support. Don't feel alone.

[sureño]

A good lawyer will not fabricate documents. For goodness sake do some research for yourself instead of just speculating and freaking yourself out!

That depends on from which country we are talking about.

Valerie, could you tell us which country you live? It is important to determine a number of things.

[ChickiePops]

That depends on from which country we are talking about.

Valerie, could you tell us which country you live? It is important to determine a number of things.

 

OP sounds like a native English speaker. Isn't the US the only English-speaking country that uses mom over mum?

 

In what country is it legal to make up false documents to incriminate someone in order to have their child taken away from them?

[BettyDraper]

I have trouble with it because he IS her dad. That won't ever change. What if she wants to know him? Or he wants to be involved, right now he says he does. If I want to have child support for her benefit, he has to be on the birth certificate. He says he is going to be there when she is born so I don't think I can leave it off even if I want to.

 

I told him that I was having contractions far apart (18-20 minutes for 7 hours). Honestly I'm really scared and he said he'd come over but hasn't yet. I don't want to go through it alone. It already hurts like hell and I know it will get much worse. I don't want to be driving myself to the hospital when I'm in active labor. And I'm just scared to do it alone, and what if something goes wrong.

 

I'm worried about him taking her from me because he knows some of the best lawyers, has a lot of money to spend on them, and is a very skilled liar in his personal and work life. If he makes fake documents, phone calls, etc. he could do that against me and make me seem like an unfit parent. Everything already feels like it is stacked against me. I just don't want to lose her or have him get majority of the time with her. Maybe it's irrational, but it scares me.

 

When I go into the hospital I will try and tell them what is going on and that I'm worried about PPD. It scares me because if my MM isn't around there won't be anyone to help spot the signs of PPD if I don't or won't go in. Once my daughter is born the care goes back to a midwife (I had complications and was transferred to an OB) and she does home visits for 6 weeks. That is all the interaction I'll have.

 

I think I want to talk to my MM and tell him that I want the rent and bills to start coming out of my account again. I can call the companies and have them switch to my pre-authorized account because my name is on everything not his. I don't know if I can make him stop buying other things, because I never ask for things. He just does it. It makes me feel like I have to stay, or something.

 

I just want my daughter to be happy and have a good life. No matter what I feel like she won't. I should have picked a better dad for her. She is never going to have extended family, and it kills me. She has absolutely no one on my side, no one even knows she exists or if I'm alive or dead. Her dad's family will never accept her, because of how she came to be. She deserves better than me and what I can give her.

 

It doesn't make sense to trust a man who has such a track record of lying.

He'll say whatever sounds good since he's a manipulative predator.

If you feel like your daughter deserves better than you and what you can give her, you may want to look at putting her up for adoption. I'm only suggesting this because adoption is a very unselfish decision for a parent in a bad situation to make.

[lemondrop21]

Best of luck with the birth and you already have some new friends here on LS waiting to congratulate you when you return.

 

Even though you haven't left MM yet you are one of the strongest people I've ever read about on this board. You can be an inspiration to your baby girl. I can tell you have the kind of resiliency that comes from having basically raised yourself. You can give your baby girl the incredible gift of a mom who is rock-solid reliable. So many people have 2 awful parents. Be 1 amazing parent for your daughter.

 

You can have an amazing future, it's just hard to see it now. A mom's support group would allow you to make some friends and would be a great start. Friends can be closer than family, that is true for so many people. You can't choose your family but you get to choose your friends and that's a wonderful thing. As you continue working with your counselor, she may be able to help you with some of your social skills or social anxiety too, so that you feel more comfortable making friends. Also, down the line, you can meet a wonderful man who is available to love you fully and honestly as you deserve.

 

But as I said earlier, right now you have us at LS. We are your friends. Welcome. And welcome to your baby girl.

[Adoraxx]

Dearest Valerie,

 

I'll be praying for you and you have lots of new friends here at LS! If you would live in my country, I would want to help you with it all (I have a baby too - my H's) but for now I'm sending you lots of love and strength. You can totally do this, honey, you're not alone, we are here for you and I believe there are also a couple of people on LS who know about laws and things like that... I'm praying that the midwife or people at the hospital will be able to help you with it all and most of all I hope that you'll get the peace and rest to enjoy the first moments (and a lifetime thereafter) with your beautiful little girl.... She is precious JUST LIKE YOU and you're such a good mommy!!!!! Hugs and you can do this!!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jersey born raised]

Your therapist who keeps going back to your parents is half right. While you are adult, adults own their actions. But what drives you right now is the past. Until you come to grips with that and the harm it has caused you, these demons will own you and your actions. It is like using alcohol to self medicate. Yes the adult must stop drinking, but the adult must confront the issues that causes the desire to self-medicate.

 

As to your OM. I sense he will not divorce because he values money above all else and does not to give up any in a divorce. While yes has many friends, lawyers have no friends. You have an amazing case, a good lawyer will bleed him dry with you having primary custody.

 

Perhaps other posters can guide you on how to pre-qualify a lawyer. I would urge you to remember without you - no case. No case-no income for lawyer. Be very hard nose.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Lobe]

I know now that he is never going to leave his wife. For the first time I saw him out with her. He said he had a lawyer meeting and I followed him. He went to a nice restaurant and was having dinner with her, very happily. I haven't confronted him yet.

 

I am due next week. I have no one other than him, and he was never mine to have. I am just a OW, a homewrecker, aa side chick, a mistress. I love him and hate him. I want to be with him, and to never see him again. My daughter isn't even born yet and I've already given her a horrible start to life. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve my MM, I stole him from another woman. I don't deserve to ever be married after trying to destroy a marriage.

 

I'm afraid to end it and have him take my daughter away from me. He knows some very good lawyers, and has the money to throw at them. He has so much that he could use against me and take her from me. I have no support and I feel utterly stuck.

 

TL;DR: I am 25 years old and have been seeing my 38 year old MM for 5 years. He keeps making excuses for not being divorced yet and faking documents, calls and texts. I'm pregnant with his baby and due next week.

 

OK, first, you were groomed. Otherwise you're a horrible thief - you didn't "steal" him if he's not with you. Your MM wanted a piece of virgin tail and actively preyed upon you. To get inside this man's head, read this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/590944-49yo-male-married-likes-21yo-single-woman I imagine his requests sounded romantic at the time but now that you're a bit older and wiser, you need to stop acting like a victim and take control of this situation. What he did is reprehensible, not romantic! Was his wife a virgin when they got married? What happens when he finds another virgin intern to groom? Have you considered talking to his wife to confirm the divorce? "Hi, this is V, I'm about to give birth to your husband's child. He told me you guys re in the process of getting a divorce but I have reason to believe that is a lie so I am contacting you directly..."

 

So, stop beating yourself up about being unworthy of your child or a normal life, and buckle up for a hell of a ride because from now on, you're not OW, you are Mum. THAT needs to be the guiding light in your life and sit at the forefront of every decision you make going forward. You made some mistakes and now it is time to unf*ck your life to the best of your abilities.

 

For starters, you don't need gifts, you need child support from this man, and you need it in writing not just him paying your bills so he can control you by threatening to cut you off anytime you displease him. You will need to file for it through the courts. It's possible but not probable that he is in an amicable divorce situation with his wife but in the likely event that they are not divorcing and he has lied to his wife, you will have a d-day on your hands and that could be explosive. You have to NOT CARE about the fallout he has to deal with and look out for that baby and yourself.

 

You're smart to put yourself on watch for PPD, and I hope that you find some other new mums to hang out with - check the bulletin board at your local health clinic or community hall to find meet-ups for new mothers. The hospital might have some info like that as well.

 

You definitely need some boundaries with your MM, for your own mental health. I think you're 100% right to be suspicious of how his divorce is coming along and need to put your foot down about him coming around. Tell him that he cannot be a part of your life other than making arrangements to see his child. I'm also dubious he wants to raise the child with his wife, though again, this man is twisted - have you considered that it is not his low sperm count but a problem with his wife's fertility that has prevented him from conceiving? I pray that's not the case.

 

V, no more time to worry about your MM. Take care of YOU.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP sounds like a native English speaker. Isn't the US the only English-speaking country that uses mom over mum?

 

 

Canada too. I've only seen Mom here.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Canada too. I've only seen Mom here.

 

Australia uses mum

[Hazyhead]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This man has manipulated you to such an extreme that you now face some very tough times. I know you have a baby due together in one week, but his presence in your life is harming you, so keep it at a minimum, as much as you can. I understand that you are scared but you can do this, because you have to. There are so many professionals that may be able to help you, one can put you in touch with another, etc, so start the ball rolling. I don't think the money he has, or the threats he might make will make a difference to you keeping your baby.

 

In a few days time you will have something wonderful, so focus on that. I know he is the father but you owe him nothing. If you move on from him you never know what is round the corner for you and your little girl; families don't have to be the ones you were born into. Ultimately you two are the family. All you will need in the world is her, hard as it will be at times. You sound strong-willed - don't let him take this from you.

 

Best of luck.

[valerie9]

My little girl is 4 weeks old tomorrow but she isn't here with me.

 

When I was having contractions my MM said he would come over but he never did. My water broke at home so I had to go in. I went to the hospital alone and he didn't show up there either. I texted him and called him, and had a nurse call him, but he wouldn't answer. My labor and birth was horrible. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I wouldn't progress. They tried everything, made my body feel terrible but nothing would move things along. She was in a bad position so she couldn't get into position, she started getting stressed so her heart rate would drop and I started panicking and my heart rate was extremely high. They did an emergency c-section and put me out totally because I couldn't calm down. I wasn't able to even see her until 3 hours after she was born, but she had her own difficulties so I didn't see her for 10 hours and no one would really tell me what was going on. When they finally brought her to me I looked at her and I couldn't do it. I have been alone most of my life, in the worst times of my life. Her coming into the world should have been an amazing experience but it was arguably one of the worst. I don't want her to feel as alone in this world as I do.

 

So I chose adoption for her. So she could go to a family that could give her everything. To parents who can make better choices. To an extended family that will love and cherish her. An adoption counselor helped me chose a couple who had 2 other adopted children and had been married for 12 years. She will have a real family with siblings and parents who can give her the world. The adoption is semi-open, I will get pictures once a year if they keep their end of the deal. Legally they can do whatever they want.

 

I have never touched her, held her, or kissed her. I will never get to. I went home without my baby, to an apartment overflowing with things ready for her. I feel like I can't complain because some people leave the hospital without their babies because the baby passed away. I chose to leave my baby behind, those parents would do anything to bring theirs home. But I wasn't good enough for her.

 

My MM hasn't contacted me at all. He removed me from social media. He went into my email account and deleted emails that we sent to each other. He changed passwords that I knew. I had a lawyer handle the adoption paperwork and MM never tried to stop it. I removed his payment info from the various bills he paid.

 

I left this situation with nothing. Absolutely nothing. He gets to walk away scot-free, my daughter gets the family she deserves and I am sitting here, alone and hurt. I will deal with this for the rest of my life. I will never stop wanting her. I had an agreement with the adoptive couple that, because they live locally, I can pump breast milk and it will be picked up for her.It's a love hate relationship. It's the only thing that I can do for her at this point, but it's a constant, heartbreaking reminder of the choice I made.

 

If only I could go back in time...

[ChickiePops]

Valerie the despair in your post is palpable and it makes me want to cry for you and give you a big hug.

 

 

It does sound like you made the right choice for your daughter and that's a mother's job. You did exactly what you were supposed to do..you gave her the best life you could. I think you'd have made a good mother (and I bet you will someday) but the timing and circumstances were just off.

 

 

I'm so sorry for the rough life you've had so far but it sounds like you're on the right path now and you will get the love you deserve.

 

 

Also..please..be safe and careful with yourself. Have you thought about therapy? It might be good to have someone to talk to.

[Tayla]

You made An informed decision. Waving of parental rights can later be rebuked. Most allow 6 months til adoption is truly legally binding. The bio dad can proceed directly with the courts on this . As can you. The courts have found the first six months are emotional and give leeway to the birth parent to reconsider.. It's not as cut and dry ...

 

I ask because a distant family member chose to not sign off.. And the adoption agency was penalized for not getting both signatures of waiving.

 

I'd suggest creating a new life ... In a new town. Sometimes that gives the distance to heal ... May your life be more blessings in days to come..

Edited September 14, 2016 by Tayla

[pteromom]

Oh sweetheart.

 

I wish I could give you a big hug.

 

First of all, what you did for your daughter was the right choice for her. That was VERY brave and strong and unselfish of you. I am so proud of you for that. You may never get to hold her, but you gave her the MOST loving gift ever.

 

Second of all, check with the laws in your state, but I don't believe it is illegal to sell an engagement ring. He gave it to YOU. It was a gift. And he is the one who backed out and disappeared.

 

Thirdly, his disappearance is the best thing that could have happened to you. He saw an easy victim in you, and he groomed you and basically programmed you to be his robot-woman. You say you saw him faking documents, manipulating people, lying... so why would you want him in your life? I understand the FEELING of longing and desire, and the pain of loneliness... but intellectually, you know that you don't want a manipulative liar in your life...right?

 

You now get to start over. A fresh start. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? You can start taking baby steps toward that life.

 

Keep seeing the counselors. Your life had a very hard beginning and your scars are deep. But you can overcome your past. You can find laughter and joy in life. And you won't need to cling to a using man to get it either.

 

And he WAS a user. You aren't a "homewrecker" - HE is the one who made those vows and he is the one who chose to wreck his home. AND your life. And not care. You may have made some poor choices, but your only real mistake was TRUSTING what he said to you.

 

I hope you are ok. And I hope you move on and CHOOSE the next man in your life rather than just letting him choose you. You deserve real love.

 

I am so sorry for all you have been through.

[eye of the storm]

I hope you find peace. You need to be gentle with yourself.

 

Remember to keep breathing, to eat, drink lots of fluids, shower, and go outside at least once a day.

 

(((hugs)))

[valerie9]

Regardless of the hurt, the grief, the heartbreak and how broken I feel, I can't try and take her away from her family. Legally, that point has passed and all rights have been signed away. She should be here with me, I should be holding her and taking care of her. She deserves better than the life I created and the life I've had to live. I need her so badly but she isn't mine to care for anymore. She is where she should be.

 

She has a good family. She will be okay. I don't know about myself, but I know she will be okay.

 

MM signed his rights away no questions asked when forwarded adoption papers from my lawyer. He attached a letter (which the adoptive parents would have seen) that said he wanted no part my [our] daughters life and that I manipulated him. There was a lengthy write up of how I manipulated him. The adoption is totally close on his end. That letter changed the way the adoptive parents view me and *coincidentally* changed how open the adoption would be after receiving that document. Even when he isn't in my life, he is still f'ing it up.

 

I have thought about moving. Right now I feel tied to this city because my daughter (I don't feel right saying that... because she isn't mine anymore)... is here. As close as I get to be to her is living in the same city. I'll never get to see her again so it's all I have. I won't even see what she looks like until next August, by which point she will be totally unrecognizable.

 

My emotions towards MM are all over the place. There is the side of me that with with a man, who convinced me he was getting a divorce, who proposed, who wanted to start a family, who made me believe he would be here for our family. In the end, he vanished. There is heartbreak over that. Then there is the logical side that is mad, furious. At him, at myself for allowing it to happen, but a lot at him. That he got away with hurting me so badly, that he got away with it and his wife never found out, that he gets to walk away with no emotions while I'm sitting here dying inside. That my life will never be the same again and there will always be a piece of me missing. That I finally thought I'd have the family I longed for and it all shattered so quickly. I hate him for not being there to support me and wonder if it would have turned out differently if he had just shown up. I wish all sorts of horrible things on him, then turn around and have moments of missing him.

 

It feels like my life is over while everyone else, their lives just go on. I am totally alone in this world.

[eye of the storm]

Valerie, the job of a parent is to care for their child. You have done that. She is, and always will be, your daughter. She will also be their daughter.

 

You are not at the end of your road. You are in a horrifically bad section. But if you keep moving, eventually, you will get past this. It takes time and determination. You have both of them.

 

Just be easy on yourself. And don't stop moving.

[pteromom]

My emotions towards MM are all over the place. There is the side of me that with with a man, who convinced me he was getting a divorce, who proposed, who wanted to start a family, who made me believe he would be here for our family. In the end, he vanished. There is heartbreak over that. Then there is the logical side that is mad, furious. At him, at myself for allowing it to happen, but a lot at him. That he got away with hurting me so badly, that he got away with it and his wife never found out, that he gets to walk away with no emotions while I'm sitting here dying inside. That my life will never be the same again and there will always be a piece of me missing. That I finally thought I'd have the family I longed for and it all shattered so quickly. I hate him for not being there to support me and wonder if it would have turned out differently if he had just shown up. I wish all sorts of horrible things on him, then turn around and have moments of missing him.

 

It feels like my life is over while everyone else, their lives just go on. I am totally alone in this world.

 

All of what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal - even in a "regular" breakup. Add the manipulation and lies and horrible behavior on his part, and of course you are going to be that much angrier. And even though he is a complete jerk, it is normal to miss what you shared, and the future that he promised you.

 

You will be ok.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Regardless of the hurt, the grief, the heartbreak and how broken I feel, I can't try and take her away from her family. Legally, that point has passed and all rights have been signed away. She should be here with me, I should be holding her and taking care of her. She deserves better than the life I created and the life I've had to live. I need her so badly but she isn't mine to care for anymore. She is where she should be.

 

She has a good family. She will be okay. I don't know about myself, but I know she will be okay.

 

MM signed his rights away no questions asked when forwarded adoption papers from my lawyer. He attached a letter (which the adoptive parents would have seen) that said he wanted no part my [our] daughters life and that I manipulated him. There was a lengthy write up of how I manipulated him. The adoption is totally close on his end. That letter changed the way the adoptive parents view me and *coincidentally* changed how open the adoption would be after receiving that document. Even when he isn't in my life, he is still f'ing it up.

 

I have thought about moving. Right now I feel tied to this city because my daughter (I don't feel right saying that... because she isn't mine anymore)... is here. As close as I get to be to her is living in the same city. I'll never get to see her again so it's all I have. I won't even see what she looks like until next August, by which point she will be totally unrecognizable.

 

My emotions towards MM are all over the place. There is the side of me that with with a man, who convinced me he was getting a divorce, who proposed, who wanted to start a family, who made me believe he would be here for our family. In the end, he vanished. There is heartbreak over that. Then there is the logical side that is mad, furious. At him, at myself for allowing it to happen, but a lot at him. That he got away with hurting me so badly, that he got away with it and his wife never found out, that he gets to walk away with no emotions while I'm sitting here dying inside. That my life will never be the same again and there will always be a piece of me missing. That I finally thought I'd have the family I longed for and it all shattered so quickly. I hate him for not being there to support me and wonder if it would have turned out differently if he had just shown up. I wish all sorts of horrible things on him, then turn around and have moments of missing him.

 

It feels like my life is over while everyone else, their lives just go on. I am totally alone in this world.

 

I am so sorry. What you are feeling is totally normal. I really hope you can seek group counseling and therapy. I want you to know you did an unbelievably unselfish thing, going through the pregnancy alone and then giving the baby up. You are going to be okay, you will meet someone, get married and have your own family in time. Please seek support.

[Patrice]

to support you. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. BIG HUG to you.

[BTDT2012]

I have so much admiration for you. You have done what you believe is best for your baby. Please be kind to yourself, continue your therapy. If you haven't already, you may want to consider writing your own letter to the adoptive parents. Peace and strength to you.

[Ronnie33]

I wish I could Reach thru the computer and hug you. What you did is so selfless and strong.

 

Do you have anyone close to you who knows? Someone you can talk to about it?

Arr you in IC? It could really be helpful right now.

[valerie9]

I am in counseling and I try to push myself to go. Right now I just want to lay in bed and never get out. But I do try and make myself go when I'm supposed to. Aside from counselors, my doctor and MM, no one in my life knows. I haven't even told my work yet and I have to go back next week. People knew I was pregnant, though not with who, so there will be questions I don't have a clue how I will deal with that.

 

I wish MM would have vanished earlier. Or that I would have been smarter and read through his BS. Then I would have had time to prepare for adoption or to bring her into this life. I wish it wasn't so rushed. That I would have held her and really been with her before she was taken away. I wish I had a picture with her. I never even told her that I love her. I don't want her to ever think I abandoned her.

 

If MM just would have left sooner everything could be so different. I could have been more prepared to do it alone. Or I could have been more prepared to place her for adoption. It didn't go how it should have.

 

He's a horrible person and I hate him. He purposely got me pregnant, for what purpose, just to make me miserable? He proposed, extremely romantically, and made me think he was being real. I wish I had the nerve to tell his wife, or HR department.

 

I don't know if I will ever trust myself to make choices again. Clearly I'm stupid because no smart person would have believed him for so long - if at all. I don't think I could ever have more kids. I can't raise a child when I gave the other one away. I don't know any normal man who would want to be with me once he knew my story. I was abandoned all my life, and I turned around and did that to my daughter. Then let MM screw it up further with his letter, that made them go from an open adoption to a semi-open picture only adoption.

 

It makes me wonder how much more will he screw up for me. Get me fired? Get me kicked out of my apartment?Have the adoptive couple totally close the adoption? Keep spreading lies that I manipulated and lied to him? I wish he'd just die.

 

I wish I had never gotten involved with a MM.