opa Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Stumbled upon this site while looking for advice on how to handle the situation so I figured I'd share my tale and see what sort of input anyone has. So I'm 26, she is 23. I dated this girl for 3 1/2 years, longest relationship I've had (previous longest was a couple months shy of 2 years). Our relationship started out well, she was still in school and I was working, lived an hour away but saw each other about 1-2 times a week. a year and a half in, I moved out of state for grad school. We continued doing long-distance for a year and a half until she graduated and moved in with me in January this year. Things were going well until she started a stressful job (not even a good paying job... not even a good job at all). Anyways, it seemed her stress affected many different aspects of the relationship. After a few months, she started to seem way more distant, less intimate and passionate. I tried addressing these issues with her but she either brushed them off as stress-related or just didn't address them at all. So I finally graduate, she quit her stressful job and I'm thinking that "hey, this'll be great, less stress for her, less stress from school for me, just have to focus on her and work." But things didn't get better. She sat me down a week later and told me that she didn't feel anything for me anymore, that she didn't love me. Despite suggesting that maybe a break would work, because I didn't want to lose her you know? I loved her! Anyway, she shot that down. 2 days later, while I was out of town, she moved her stuff out of the apartment. So about 4-5 days later, she texts me asking how I'm doing and she said she wasn't sure when she should reach out to me but she felt enough time had passed. I replied a couple hours later because I was with people, just stated that I was busy and that I'd talk to her later. A few days after that, I felt good so I decided to shoot her a text and we texted a little back and forth, mostly superficial topics like watching the olympics and her babysitting some kids. About this time is when I stumbled on this site and saw soooo many comments about no contact. So I have resisted texting her back even when she texted me today (all she said was "hey there"). So based off many of the responses on similar things here, I don't think I'll reply to her and definitely not contact her. Any other thoughts/suggestions?
Redhead14 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Stumbled upon this site while looking for advice on how to handle the situation so I figured I'd share my tale and see what sort of input anyone has. So I'm 26, she is 23. I dated this girl for 3 1/2 years, longest relationship I've had (previous longest was a couple months shy of 2 years). Our relationship started out well, she was still in school and I was working, lived an hour away but saw each other about 1-2 times a week. a year and a half in, I moved out of state for grad school. We continued doing long-distance for a year and a half until she graduated and moved in with me in January this year. Things were going well until she started a stressful job (not even a good paying job... not even a good job at all). Anyways, it seemed her stress affected many different aspects of the relationship. After a few months, she started to seem way more distant, less intimate and passionate. I tried addressing these issues with her but she either brushed them off as stress-related or just didn't address them at all. So I finally graduate, she quit her stressful job and I'm thinking that "hey, this'll be great, less stress for her, less stress from school for me, just have to focus on her and work." But things didn't get better. She sat me down a week later and told me that she didn't feel anything for me anymore, that she didn't love me. Despite suggesting that maybe a break would work, because I didn't want to lose her you know? I loved her! Anyway, she shot that down. 2 days later, while I was out of town, she moved her stuff out of the apartment. So about 4-5 days later, she texts me asking how I'm doing and she said she wasn't sure when she should reach out to me but she felt enough time had passed. I replied a couple hours later because I was with people, just stated that I was busy and that I'd talk to her later. A few days after that, I felt good so I decided to shoot her a text and we texted a little back and forth, mostly superficial topics like watching the olympics and her babysitting some kids. About this time is when I stumbled on this site and saw soooo many comments about no contact. So I have resisted texting her back even when she texted me today (all she said was "hey there"). So based off many of the responses on similar things here, I don't think I'll reply to her and definitely not contact her. Any other thoughts/suggestions? Any other thoughts/suggestions? -- Just remember that No Contact is a tool for helping you to move forward with your life without being triggered and brought back to the pain of this event. Each time she texts or calls, it just keeps the wound open. No contact is not for the purpose of drawing an ex back. It's for you and your healing process. Stick with it. 1
Author opa Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 Thanks Redhead. It's been tough but it's what I need to do. I can't just hope that she comes back or try to pursue her. My thought process is if she really wanted me, she would've stayed. But anyhow, thanks for the tips!
smudge21 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 You're both so very young and often no matter how good a relationship may appear, it can be hard to maintain when the world starts to open up for you. I'm not saying cheating or anything, just more about being young and wanting to live a full life before settling down. Many people get this feeling and it can affect all manner of relationships. I know plenty who settled down young but then felt they missed out on life as they get older. I wouldn't take her choices personally or see it as a fault of your own. She's just a young person who felt differently. As tough as this is for you now, at only 26 you have so much life ahead of you. However, I know that won't heal your pain. As Redhead said, the NC rule is to heal, not to win an ex back. If they're to come back, it will be up to them. By following NC, it not only heals your wounds but allows you to see things more clearly. Focus on you and only you. Go live your life rather than letting it slip by and let time heal this wound.
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Yeah, I know. We're both still young and we were both kinda at different points in our lives to an extent. I've been focusing on seeing friends and figuring out a new career so I've been getting better at keeping myself occupied
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 However, I just checked my phone, she sent me a text at about 1:30am. She said that she's there for me if I wanna talk or anything. She acknowledged that the past few weeks have been rough but she hopes things are looking better for me. She hopes I'm doing better and okay. That I don't have to text her back but she wanted to send out an open invitation in case I want to talk/text and she hopes I have a good rest of the week. ...thoughts anyone?
LadyLike30 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 However, I just checked my phone, she sent me a text at about 1:30am. She said that she's there for me if I wanna talk or anything. She acknowledged that the past few weeks have been rough but she hopes things are looking better for me. She hopes I'm doing better and okay. That I don't have to text her back but she wanted to send out an open invitation in case I want to talk/text and she hopes I have a good rest of the week. ...thoughts anyone? Thoughts? Let her pay her own rent. Betcha she wants to live rent free again.
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Thoughts? Let her pay her own rent. Betcha she wants to live rent free again. Lol I'd agree with you except she moved back in with her parents for the time being... so rent free already
smudge21 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Hmm, I'd say it's looking for a reaction; wanting to see if you're still there, waiting on her every word, feeding her ego a bit. I don't mean that in a nasty way, it's just that often when someone ends a relationship, they of course still have a connection with the person they have left. They don't want to be with them, but also still want them in their lives. It's common when dumpers offer "friendship" after walking away. I would ignore. Stay no contact and focus on you and only you. If she wants you back, you'll know it. Responding now, to these breadcrumbs, will send the message that you're still around and your happy to remain in her life whenever she feels like it. For a dumper, that allows them the freedom to live their lives whilst knowing they have a fall back plan. I've made the mistake many times of responding to texts like this, pathetic little reach outs, and I've got burnt in the process. Had my hopes raised only to be knocked back down once I realise they only wanted to know if I'm still hooked. Don't feed on those breadcrumbs.
Marc878 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 She's sending you typical breadcrumbs. You're young this happens. There is no future here. IMO just block her on everything and move on. She is thinking she means more to you than you mean to her. You'd just be wasting your time on this.
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Haha I understand you, Smudge. Didn't take that in a dirty way anyway lol. But seriously though, Smudge and Marc, I can see what you both mean. I didn't plan on responding anyways (probably would only respond if she did say she wanted me back but that's besides the point and something that I highly doubt will happen). At face value, it seems like she's trying to care. Though I find it interesting that she decided to send it at 1:30am when she usually is in bed earlier than that. Idk, probably overthinking it a little, but I digress.... Bottom line is: still not contacting her and focusing on myself
Marc878 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 You've got this. A lot better than most. Amazing at how some will pine away huge amounts of time on a hopeless situation. These experiences will only make you wiser and better prepared for your future. If someone doesn't want you you're just wasting our time. When they tell you that believe it and move on. The one of your dreams is out there. Who in the hell would want to settle for something less? 1
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Thanks. It's tough, it's very tough. I definitely didn't want this to happen again. Already went through a bad breakup years ago so to go through it again is a it demoralizing. But a good, true point. If she doesn't want me, then why should I waste my time?
Author opa Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 It's also hard to not text back. I mean, I like to think I'm a nice guy and ignoring someone's messages is something I don't normally do...especially when she WAS so nice to me... guess the key word there is WAS since breaking someone's heart is pretty far from being nice lol. Sorry, had to rant a little
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