Fighting for custody that has been lost

[maryquitecontrary]

I was married for 12 years, together for 17 years. We have an 8 year old daughter. We always had some issues, but things changed and got worse over the years, especially after the birth of our only child. He was emotionally abusive and neglectful to me. I became extremely depressed as he was controlling and took over nearly all of the parental responsibilities and I felt like he took my motherhood away. He insisted on bathing her, feeding her, taking her to school, fixing her lunch, went on all her school trips and the school asked for only one parent to attend, not both. He wouldn't let me do anything for her! Then she got extremely sick and nearly died from a drug-resistant pneumonia. He got into the hospital bed with her and literally didn't leave it for over a month. He didn't go to work and made me go back to work hours away in another city so that we could pay bills and keep my health insurance. So I was working 12-16 hours per day then driving back to the hospital to sleep in a chair in the pediatric ICU.

 

It was during this time that I feel like something in me snapped and I began self-medicating. I was a heart nurse and many days we threw away lots of narcotics, only I decided to stop throwing them away. I was so mentally sick that I really wanted to just kill myself, but the drugs gave me some relief for a time and so for two and a half years I abused drugs without anyone knowing. I lived like a ghost in my own home. My husband stopped being intimate with me years before the end. He moved into my daughters bedroom when I bought her a queen-sized bed to get her out of our marital bed at the age of 5. My family wanted me to leave him as he never would let me take her home to visit my family. During the few times they saw her at major holiday events he would hover over her and nobody else could even get to know her. He had to be in control of everything. Since I wanted to save my family I began attending marital counseling and psychiatric counseling by myself since I couldn't convince my husband to go with me. He insisted there was nothing wrong with him as a husband and that all our problems were because of me, but I couldn't understand why. I thought that if I could be the perfect wife then he would like me again and things would get better. Boy, was I wrong! Since my family was not supportive of this marriage anymore I quit speaking to them for the last several years of it. So there I was all alone without any support whatsoever and my obsession with drugs got worse

 

I began working even longer hours to get more drugs and to avoid going home because at home my husband and daughter were wrapped up in their own little world and he wouldn't allow me to be included in anything. He even took her for multiple professional "family" photo sessions without telling me and I didn't know about them until the father-daughter photos ended up blown up and placed on his mother's wall. This hurt me very deeply as I felt like I was slowly being pushed out of my own life. No matter how hard I tried to get back in my own little family he somehow managed to alienate me again. I began openly using IV drugs in the master bedroom at night for months without being noticed because he never cared enough to check on me.

 

Things began to fall apart because of substance abuse. I attended her softball games but he was out on the field with her instead of in the stands with me. We drove to the games separately but he began to notice my odd behavior under the influence and assumed that I was drinking. I denied any time he confronted me about it. I was ashamed and afraid of losing everything if I told the truth about what I was doing.

 

One evening he was out shopping with her for clothes and I decided to do what I always did and so I put an IV in me and injected propofol which is an anesthetic. I was getting ready to take a bath but instead I injected too much and went unconscious on the floor naked next to the bathtub. When I woke up he was standing over me saying "You're doing drugs now?" I cried and told him I thought he hated me and just wanted me to kill myself. There's no denying that I was mentally ill and insane by this point. After begging him to not throw my propofol away he handed the bottle back to me and walked out and closed the door. I continued to use the rest of my drugs that night. My husband went to work the next day as if nothing happened. We did speak on the phone and he told me I needed to find a new job and see a doctor.

 

A week later my sister that I hadn't seen in several years insisted on coming to visit me because she thought I was being physically abused. I told her everything. The three of us had several conversations and she asked him, "If I leave her here with you are you going to take care of her?" He flatly said, "No. She got herself into this mess. She can get herself out of it." He wouldn't agree to let me leave and go to rehab so my sister took me with her against his wishes. We lived in Louisiana. She took me home to my parents in Texas where they immediately placed me in a 31 day inpatient facility for treatment.

 

During my 31 days of rehab my husband wouldn't bring my daughter to see me. He told her that I went to Texas for work. We had family workshops that he refused to attend. And so by the third week I had finally had enough and said that when I come home I want to see my daughter without him present at his mom's house. He agreed. The next day my therapist received a copy of the divorce papers and gave them to a counselor's assistant without going through them. That night I read them with an counselor's assistant and became greatly distressed as the divorce papers included year's worth of texts from me talking bad about my parents and begging him to talk to me about the marriage. It also included nude photos of me passed out on the floor with an IV in my leg. I was absolutely humiliated. My therapists, doctors, parents, the attorneys, and the judge all got to see those photos of me and read those texts.

 

He filed for temporary emergency custody which was totally appropriate at the time. When I got out of rehab I enrolled in a three year strict monitoring program with the state board of nursing and also enrolled in a three year intensive outpatient program at a treatment center in Texas.

 

I have been randomly drug tested 2-3 times per week for over 2 years now so there is no denying that I have been clean this entire time. I got a job nearly 2 years ago working successfully as an RN in an ICU and have recently been promoted to head of the nursing department. My employer and a state appointed advocate submit quarterly reports on my progress in recovery. I also submit monthly self reports that include all doctors, therapy appointments, NA meeting attendance and a medication list. There is no denying my sobriety! I live in a two bedroom apartment that is fully decorated with a pottery-barn style child's room and is in a beautiful neighborhood. I love the life I have now and have not been depressed since the day I left that marriage.

 

My now ex-husband is a divorce and family attorney. We are divorcing in his district in Louisiana under a judge he knows personally as well as professionally. He hired the best most well-known attorney in town and after months of getting turned away by divorce attorneys I finally found a female attorney that would agree to take my case. When he got temporary emergency custody I got weekly supervised visitation-- but that hasn't been the way it worked out.

 

The place that supervises is overbooked. So I get to see my child one hour supervised, sometimes two hours, every month. ONE HOUR A MONTH for over two years now. My 8 year old daughter is becoming more and more distressed to the point that the supervisors wrote a letter to the judge about six months ago saying that this current arrangement needs to end and my daughter needs her mother. My daughter and I have a very loving relationship and she misses me dearly. I brought her a card one time that said "I promise we will be together again one day and I love you" That's all it said and my ex complained and so now I am banned from giving her cards at the place.

 

I have asked to eat lunch with her at school with the teachers sitting next to us but he ignored my emails about it and went to eat lunch with her to make sure I didn't. I asked for one hour at a restaurant with her for Christmas or her birthday... he said I could only if he or his mother was present to supervise so I said no thank you. He also controls his mother the same way he controlled me. So I haven't gotten to see her at all for any special occasions. I did attend a Christmas play and an award ceremony he allowed me to go to, but he raced up next to her before I could even get close to her and so the visits were very brief.

 

My attorney purposefully filed petitions other than visitation or custody to buy me clean time before we go back to fight for custody. This and other bizarre events led to delays and cancellations. I was supposed to go back to court January 6 and here it is mid-August and I still don't have the court date for mediation rescheduled. I am beyond frustrated and heartbroken.

 

We are technically divorced, but the assets remain frozen. I am half-owner of his law practice and I put him through law school and I supported us almost completely while he spent his money on toys like guns, new trucks, and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. He is asking for full custody and back child-support from the day I left the house.

 

I don't care about money. All I want is to see my daughter. I don't even want to take her away from her dad I only want to share her in a manner that is rightfully mine as her mother. I know I made some huge mistakes. I don't think I deserve to lose my child because of it. I fixed the problem and changed my life so why can't I get another chance?

 

I am so afraid that because he has alienated her from me all this time that he will be granted primary custody over in Louisiana because I just don't see a judge uprooting her from her life without a really good reason.

 

Any thoughts? Any advice? Please don't criticize me for my drug addiction. I am not proud of what I did nor do I think it was okay. My daughter and I both have paid a heavy price for what I have done and I will always regret it. I just really need some hope right now. I am hurting so much without my baby and she is all that matters to me in this world. A daughter belongs with her mother, especially if the father is an obsessed ******* narcissist that left her mother to die on the floor rather than calling 911 or her family.

[minimariah]

i'm very sorry for what you're going through.

surround yourself with people who love you - your family... sister, friends. please, keep fighting for your daughter -- she will ALWAYS be your daughter, no matter what. i'm not a lawyer so i can't give any law advice but this man sounds absolutely disturbed and pathologically obsessed with his own daughter; seek some kind of psych evaluation and also seek another judge because of conflict of interests.

 

good luck, stay strong!

[Lowrider93]

Your story is so very sorrowful, it will have a happy ending thou. I can understand what drove you to abuse the drugs, I believe you have gone literally through hell and survived, you have proven to yourself and others that you are clean, lots and lots of brownie points for YOU!.

 

You don't need anyone telling you what a control freak your husband is, soon one day your daughter will decide it's too much and that's when she,'ll come running.

 

The first poster was right, major conflict of interest here.

You own half of his law practice, now go after it.

 

You need to find a jurisdiction that will offer you a level playing field.

 

Peace

[maryquitecontrary]

I'm divorcing a family attorney. I went on my own accord to rehab 25 months ago. We've been separated 2 years, divorced 1 year, and assets remain frozen and child custody unaddressed after an initial 30 day temporary emergency custody that my ex got while I was in rehab. I've been sober the entire 24 months, enrolled myself in a monitoring program for the state in which I get drug and alcohol tested 2-3 times per week for the last two years and will continue to be in that monitoring program for 13 more months, possibly longer.

 

I have a mountain of proof including monthly progress reports from therapists, doctors, and my employer to prove that I am healthy and clean. I have rebuilt my life from scratch and have a new home, new car, and all new clothes and furniture. I don't know what more I could be doing to be able to see my child again.

 

I usually get to see her one or two hours per month supervised at a counseling center. They have told him several times over the last year that my daughter and I are ready to be together unsupervised and that this alienation of me is harming her.

 

Today we had a great visit at the counseling center and so I sent him an email saying I will be in town for a few days and would like to eat lunch with her at school next to her teacher and classmates. He responded saying that he does not approve of me having lunch with her.

 

He's a ****ing nutcase and is not doing ANYTHING to help my relationship with my child!!!!! I hate his freaking guts. We go to a court officer's conference in four weeks and I bet you anything we will not have any compromises and will have to wait until next year to go back before the judge. There goes another Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday without her. I'm ready to pull all my hair out. Actually...my hair really IS falling out from all the stress:(

 

BTW I have been working for over a year and a half as an ICU RN. He cannot prove me unfit to take care of a child!!!

[standtall]

Well Mary, divorce and child custody laws vary wildly from state to state and country to country....where are you located? If you're in a western democracy, then you have tremendous legal options, outside of that, I don't know. Assuming you're in one of the former, you absolutely need to hire a lawyer that specializes in child custody cases. BTW it sounds, it probably would help to hire one from a rival/competing law firm. Under no conditions do you ever go to court in cases like this without an attorney, and a capable one at that. If you do go cheap, you will get slaughtered in there. As far as advice here...an anonymous, internet forum? I would not take specific legal advise for obvious reasons.

[Mr. Lucky]

BTW I have been working for over a year and a half as an ICU RN. He cannot prove me unfit to take care of a child!!!

 

Just as you couldn't make me into a qualified ICU RN overnight, neither can you quickly solve a complicated custody situation, especially with addiction involved.

 

It's a process, one in which I'd make sure I had the best legal counsel I could afford. From there, just a question of letting it play out.

 

I'm sure you miss your daughter and she you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[maryquitecontrary]

Of course I hired an attorney, but not without great difficulty! It took me about four months to find an attorney who would even touch my case because of who he is. The divorce is in Louisiana. We are divorcing in his district, so the judge knows him on a professional level although I do not think they are friends.

 

I've asked my attorney to have us moved to another venue, but she thinks it's better to have the trial where the judge knows him because supposedly he is not liked much there. I'm also hoping he will start to back down once the allegations of his own abuse as a husband and father start to come out. He's a very private person and will not want his dirty laundry aired.

 

I'm not really searching for advice as much as just here to vent. How anyone on the outside looking in can think this is remotely okay is just beyond me. His own attorney (he hired the best in town, of course) has got to disagree with this.

 

There's a lot more to the story which makes this all the more complicated. He and my daughter are in an emotionally enmeshed or codependent relationship. He's a narcissist and controls her to the point she cannot develop into her own independent person at the age of almost 9. She told me yesterday that he still dresses her everyday. Everything that comes out of her mouth is "Daddy says this...daddy says that..." Nobody else is allowed to take care of her.

 

I barely got to be with her when I was married and living at the house. He brought her to work with him on her days off school and when she was at home with me he would frequently take off work to come home and play with her or take her off somewhere. They slept in the same bed. He bathed, dressed, and fed her...like literally sits next to her and tells her how to eat.

 

My own family doesn't know her because he wouldn't let anyone near her. During holidays he made her stay by his side at the table and throughout the day so that she couldn't even play with her little cousins. I felt like she had become a sort of surrogate wife to him. She met all his emotional needs and I became nonexistent in that home. I lived as a ghost. I was openly doing drugs in the master bedroom for over two years and not once did he go in there to see what I was doing. He didn't know about the drugs until my last week at home when he walked in the bathroom and found me unconscious on the floor where he photographed and left me to die. Didn't call my family. Didn't call 911. Went to work the next day like nothing happened. I knew at that point that he did not care about me at all and I had to leave. I called my sister to come get me and take me to rehab. He didn't even want me to go.

Edited September 14, 2016 by maryquitecontrary

[Lowrider93]

Thank God your sister came and saved you!

[Miss Clavel]

your description of him grooming your daughter gives me chills. what's he going to do next, go in the bathroom with her and put her first tampon in? is he going to follow her in the dressing room when she needs her first brassiere?

 

hopefully he won't be able to pull the wool much longer. sooner or later the mask will slip and someone will see he's insane.

 

keep doing what you are doing. day by day. save up your money against the day he tries to hold college tuition over her head.

 

i know it will seem like forever but in my state children as young as 12 are allowed to tell the judge where they want to live.

 

 

very best of luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

My own family doesn't know her because he wouldn't let anyone near her. During holidays he made her stay by his side at the table and throughout the day so that she couldn't even play with her little cousins. I felt like she had become a sort of surrogate wife to him. She met all his emotional needs and I became nonexistent in that home. I lived as a ghost. I was openly doing drugs in the master bedroom for over two years and not once did he go in there to see what I was doing. He didn't know about the drugs until my last week at home when he walked in the bathroom and found me unconscious on the floor where he photographed and left me to die. Didn't call my family. Didn't call 911. Went to work the next day like nothing happened. I knew at that point that he did not care about me at all and I had to leave. I called my sister to come get me and take me to rehab. He didn't even want me to go.

 

It's amazing how addicts can make themselves the victim in any scenario. You've made choices that have put you in a difficult position. Had you not, this would be a normal divorce and custody arrangement. Take ownership...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 14, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[maryquitecontrary]

It's amazing how addicts can make themselves the victim in any scenario. You've made choices that have put you in a difficult position. Had you not, this would be a normal divorce and custody arrangement. Take ownership...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ah, yes. I'm well aware that I did this to myself. I believe I've paid the price and so has my child. You know I actually believe my addiction saved my life. If I had not turned to drugs for relief I would have killed myself. I was thinking long and hard every single day about driving my car straight into a tree. That is, until I found a way to get by a little longer.

 

It is what it is and there's no going back. You can't tell me he's not the one forcing us to suffer much more than necessary. Just because I'm a recovering addict doesn't mean I deserve to pay for this mistake the rest of my life.

 

Oh, and this was NEVER going to be a normal divorce with that sicko.

Edited September 15, 2016 by maryquitecontrary

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope you get the help you need and the outcome you want. Stay strong in your recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

[maryquitecontrary]

I am considering requesting a psych eval for my ex husband in our child custody case because I do believe he has some legitimate and serious psychological issues. He has been extremely obsessed with our daughter ever since she was born, insisting on doing everything for her-- feeding her, bathing her, dressing her, taking her to and from school. She is nearly 9 years old now and he still tells her what to eat and what to wear. He doesn't allow her to have any opinions or make any choices on her own. He's always been a control freak.

 

They were sleeping in the same bed (he refused to have sex with or sleep with me the last several years of our marriage). When I bought her a queen size bed to try to get her out of our marital bed at the age of 5 he just moved into her bed. He never let anyone in my family get close enough to her to get to know her. He hovers over her at all holiday and family events to the point that she can't even play with or eat with the other children at the children's table. He makes her sit by him so he can tell her what and how to eat.

 

I admitted that I had a drug problem and went to rehab and continue to be in intensive outpatient treatment since I am a medical professional. Because of that he was granted temporary emergency custody 25 months ago and has allowed me to see my child on average 1.5 hours per MONTH supervised by a counseling center. Of course, he offered to let me see her with his supervision, but since he was controlling and emotionally abusive to me I refuse to be anywhere near him.

 

So now it is almost time for me to fight for full custody of her since I have been closely monitored, working successfully, and clean for 25 months. I have already been forced to hand over all my medical records so I am an open book. I wanted to request a psych eval of him, but my attorney says it costs about $5000 and may end up not doing anything for me. As crazy as he is, he is a divorce and family attorney specializing in child custody and working in the same district that we are divorcing in. I don't know that anything serious will show up on the psych eval or if he can manipulate it.

 

Does anyone have experience with it or have any recommendations for me?? I desperately need some help. In addition to my medical records I am also turning over all bank statements and mobile phone records for the last two years. What on earth does he think he's going to find in my bank and mobile records?? I feel like I am being violated here.

[MJJean]

I understand your point of view, but please consider the point of view of your exH.

 

You admitted to doing drugs in the home, in the master bedroom, for Christ's sake! He may not have cared about you, but he did care about his child enough to care for her himself and minimize the time she spent in the care of an addict. Which is exactly what he will tell the shrink doing the evaluation. He may be a bit of a helicopter parent, but he has reason to be!

 

You aren't being violated. You are suffering the consequences of your own actions.

Edited September 24, 2016 by MJJean

[mrs rubble]

I disagree with the previous poster, the way your ex left you unconscious on the floor without seeking help for you proves he is unwilling to provide the necessities of life for someone he supposedly loved and someone his daughter loves. That makes him a crap parent in my opinion, not to mention the fact that he's been abusive to his daughters mother in her presence. His obsession with his daughter is creepy to say the least.

[mrs rubble]

Mary- you should be proud of how you have turned your life around. It can't have been easy to deal with divorce, the concerns you have with your daughter and the consequences emotional abuse has on your psyche and the addiction.

Your ex is probably shaking in his boots over your new found strength.

Document every detail and date of abuse your daughter has been witness to, list your concerns so you can recall them to the lawyer for child (I assume they assign one in the USA??) hopefully the lawyer appointed for child will know your ex and his devious ways (you say he's not well liked in the courts) and hopefully he/she will fight for your daughters right to a relationship with her mum.

I've been though 3 court battles with my ex over my youngest son and know how difficult it is. Stay strong and stay focused on your daughter.

My ex is a very talented liar and manipulator, I wasted a lot of time and money trying to prove it to the courts, without success. Our son decided for himself that he was better off with me than his dad aged 11, his father still has legal custody of him but he has lived with me for the last 7 years. He saw through his dad's evil ways for himself in the end.

Wishing you all the best. Please don't let the negative comments here get to you.

You are free, safe and healthy.

[MJJean]

Mrs Rubble, you do realize you are taking as gospel the recollections and point of view of a person who was heavily addicted to a mind altering substance at the time?

[Art_Critic]

Mrs Rubble, you do realize you are taking as gospel the recollections and point of view of a person who was heavily addicted to a mind altering substance at the time?

 

and who had been sober for more than 2 years and undergoes therapy as well, she should be proud of where she is, I'm sure she isn't proud of her addiction and who she BECAME but she is a recovering addict NOT a using one.

Have some compassion, the courts normally do when a mother straightens herself out... good for her.. she will prevail in the end...

 

A person is much more than their addiction and when they face that addiction and sober up they become much more than they were before.

 

I'm an Alcoholic, I've been sober since June 28th, 1987.. should I still pay for what I did while drunk even though I sobered up and took responsibility of who I became ? There comes a time that her ex should knock it off and consider the child's welfare not his hatred for his ex.

[mrs rubble]

Mrs Rubble, you do realize you are taking as gospel the recollections and point of view of a person who was heavily addicted to a mind altering substance at the time?

MJJean, you do realize that the courts will decide who gets custody based on the facts in front of them, and whats best for the child not what he said and what she said?

Fact- O/P has proof of 2 years sobriety.

Fact- O/P has the confidence of her employer and the nusrsing council and is trusted to work in a profession where she is exposed to drugs.

Fact- The child's father left her mother in a potentially life threatening situation without getting help for her.- He even took a photo!!!

Fact- The father has alienated the child from the entire maternal side of the family.

 

I think her chances are pretty good given the courts aren't too impressed by him as a Lawyer either.

[MJJean]

MJJean, you do realize that the courts will decide who gets custody based on the facts in front of them, and whats best for the child not what he said and what she said?

Fact- O/P has proof of 2 years sobriety.

Fact- O/P has the confidence of her employer and the nusrsing council and is trusted to work in a profession where she is exposed to drugs.

Fact- The child's father left her mother in a potentially life threatening situation without getting help for her.- He even took a photo!!!

Fact- The father has alienated the child from the entire maternal side of the family.

 

I think her chances are pretty good given the courts aren't too impressed by him as a Lawyer either.

 

So far, the courts have seen fit to leave the child in the sole custody of her father and only allow supervised visitation.

[Mr. Lucky]

There comes a time that her ex should knock it off and consider the child's welfare not his hatred for his ex.

 

Think we all agree that's the missing piece. Custody issues aside, the child need a relationship with her mother beyond a couple hours a month.

 

maryquitecontrary, hope you're able to navigate the process and get there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

So far, the courts have seen fit to leave the child in the sole custody of her father and only allow supervised visitation.

From what I read, it was TEMPORARY EMMERGENCY custody he was granted, and they are yet to fight for full permanent custody. The supervision centre has recommended she has more time with the child and he is failing to comply with their recommendations- another mark against him.

[maryquitecontrary]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm supposed to go to court in a few weeks and supposedly be granted unsupervised visitation in a mediation. However, he is filing another motion to compel so that the court date can be cancelled and rescheduled.

 

Sigh. Maybe next year?

[BlueIris]

Consider talking to your attorney about getting an order that she have long-term reunification therapy. His disorders are more likely to be revealed through what your daughter says than through what he says to anyone. He's a pro since he's a FL attorney. Plus, what experienced psych evaluator is going to be objective about a family law attorney who could impact their income and career? Just an idea.

[MJJean]

From what I read, it was TEMPORARY EMMERGENCY custody he was granted, and they are yet to fight for full permanent custody. The supervision centre has recommended she has more time with the child and he is failing to comply with their recommendations- another mark against him.

 

An order that has remained in place for over 2 years. Realistically, the court isn't going to do more than increase visitation in increments. They are very unlikely to grant full custody to OP after the child has been with her father for so long.

 

The supervision center employees are free to have their opinion, but if the court has allowed the father the choice, he is within his rights to deny extra visitation. Of course, there is also the possibility that the court orders state that ALL visitation must be supervised. If that is the case, it's out of the father's hands altogether.

 

I know we all want to root for the underdog here, but the reality is that we don't have a single clue as to the OP's behavior while she was under the influence of her drug of choice. From the father's point of view, he's merely keeping his child safe from the dubious care and influence of a drug addict.