Relationship evolution over the first 2 years

[fluidian]

I've been dating a great girl for just under two years [we're both mid 30s and interested in a family] - previously I was in a 8-9 year relationship, so I haven't experienced this part of a relationship for quite a while - I'm wondering what peoples' thoughts are on how a healthy relationship evolves during year 1 and 2, what it should look like at the year 1.5-2 year mark, what are signs that things are amazing, and what are some things to look out for that could be suggestive of problems - or at least could benefit from directly addressing/talking about them sooner than later.

 

Things between us are generally good, but there has definitely been some change, and I'm trying to determine if this is normal, good, or bad - things generally seem more, "I love you, let's cuddle" as opposed to, "damn! and tear their clothes off". I can't say that we actively talk about our relationship, our sex lives, etc., but talk about the future generally involves the term "us" as opposed to "me" or "I". Obviously improved communication there would be good.

[Grisho]

We need more info. Do you live together? How often do you go out on dates? Have you met each other's families? How often do you both socialise with each other's friends? Do you have any joint purchases like cars and houses? DO you have the same views about kids and marriage? Do you combine any finances? Have you talked about shared goals? Have you been on holiday together?

[fluidian]

Grisho - good questions - I'll try to answer them, but let me know if any other information is needed/desired.

 

1. We generally spend the weekends together and see each other 1-2 times during the middle of the week (this use to be 2-3 times during the middle of the week, but throttled back when she started a new job) - we do not live together.

 

2. We've both met each others families - she'll join me for dinner with mine a couple times/month and visited hers for 3-4 times for about a week each time...

 

3. Not a lot of socializing with each other's friends - hers largely left the state, but I see them whenever they're in town, and it's hard to get time with mine, as they mostly have left the state or have new kids

 

4. No large joint purchases, but we have a trip planned in a month or so that will ultimately cost $6-8K

 

5. I think we have the same views on kids and marriage - we both want both. Our timelines may be marginally different, but I don't think it's an issue that can't be worked around (i.e. I'm fine pushing things out a bit longer - which is likely more aligned with her interests - I'm 3 years older than her)

 

6. No combined finances

 

7. We've been away on long weekends, week long trips, and are planning more substantial trips as well - include the aforementioned trip in about a month.

 

8. We haven't talked too much about shared goals (at least with conversations focused on them), but I think a lot of the details come out in normal conversation - but definitely better communication in terms of shared goals would be good.

[Grisho]

What is the timeframe you each have for having kids and getting married?

Have you discussed living together?

Do you feel there is a growing depth to the relationship, in terms of feelings, and activities that you share together?

Do you have any shared hobbies that you've pursued simply to learn something together?

[fluidian]

Grisho - I'd say:

 

1. Time frame for marriage - I'd be fine in the next 1-2 years, although 3-5 is probably fine. My guess is her timeline is 2-4 years (although we haven't talked about it with that much precision)

 

2. Time frame for Kids - Probably marriage plus 1-2 years for both of us

 

3. Living together: No - we haven't really discussed living together - her lease was up after we had been dating for about a year, and I don't think I was ready for it at that time...we haven't really talked about it seriously

 

4. Growth in feelings - I can't speak from her perspective, because I haven't asked her about it, but for me it's grown in the comfortable sense, maybe digressed a bit in the animalistic sense - we have some activities we share, but not a whole lot of new stuff recently

[kendahke]

Has she always been in a "let's cuddle" mindset or has she at any point in the last year been in the "let's tear our clothes off" mindset?

 

She if she's always been in a "let's cuddle" mindset, could be she's not really interested in sex or she's not really sexually attracted to you, but enjoys the comfort of your relationship.

 

Question is: are you cool with the level of interaction you presently have? Because this could be the best she can offer you on this point. Can you live without the "let's tear our clothes off"?

[BaileyB]

I say there is no right or wrong... No "where should we be?"

 

I think if you are both happy, if the relationship is meeting both of your needs, and you are on the same page as it relates to life goals and life plan... You are in a good place. Enjoy!

[Grisho]

You need to have a long talk about living together, marriage and kids, I reckon, as you're both not getting any younger, you've been together 2 years, and there are no concrete goals to unify your relationship beyond where it is now. You need to give, and get, a clear understanding of next steps, if there's likely to be a future together. Now is the time for the big discussion.

[clia]

If you are both mid-30s and want marriage and children, I would expect an engagement to have happened by now, or to be happening very soon. After this amount of time and at your age, you should both have a pretty good grasp on whether or not you want to marry each other and have a family together. I would expect discussions about living together, marriage, finances, the future, etc. to be earnestly taking place at the two year mark.

 

Your timeline of 1-5 years for marriage plus an additional 1-2 years for the first kid has you both getting up in age, particularly if it veers toward the longer end of the timeline and if you want more than one kid. It's obviously more of a risk for her, as she is the one who will have to get pregnant and carry the baby(ies).

[No_Go]

You say both of you want family - if this means bio-kids, you should be planning this sooner than later. At 35 the female fertility drastically drops. For both sexes the chance of birth defects plummets with aging.

 

In my case - I was 30, bf was 37 when we started dating. Around year 1 we moved in. He start talking about proposal recently (a little under 1.5 years), if all goes well - I expect to be married by 2-2.5 years. I'll be then 32-33 and still have time to have one kid safely, 2 if lucky. I'm thinking to start with pregnancy attempts pretty much immediately after we get married because of our age.

 

If we were younger - I'd still expect move in and/or marriage discussions around year 2 the latest. But after 30 - the clock is ticking, ticking fast if you want kids . Even if not - still not clear why mature people will spend years evaluating compatibility... Unless you both want and agreed on just to stay casual indefinitely

 

I've been dating a great girl for just under two years [we're both mid 30s and interested in a family] - previously I was in a 8-9 year relationship, so I haven't experienced this part of a relationship for quite a while - I'm wondering what peoples' thoughts are on how a healthy relationship evolves during year 1 and 2, what it should look like at the year 1.5-2 year mark, what are signs that things are amazing, and what are some things to look out for that could be suggestive of problems - or at least could benefit from directly addressing/talking about them sooner than later.

 

Things between us are generally good, but there has definitely been some change, and I'm trying to determine if this is normal, good, or bad - things generally seem more, "I love you, let's cuddle" as opposed to, "damn! and tear their clothes off". I can't say that we actively talk about our relationship, our sex lives, etc., but talk about the future generally involves the term "us" as opposed to "me" or "I". Obviously improved communication there would be good.

[fluidian]

You say both of you want family - if this means bio-kids, you should be planning this sooner than later. At 35 the female fertility drastically drops. For both sexes the chance of birth defects plummets with aging.

 

In my case - I was 30, bf was 37 when we started dating. Around year 1 we moved in. He start talking about proposal recently (a little under 1.5 years), if all goes well - I expect to be married by 2-2.5 years. I'll be then 32-33 and still have time to have one kid safely, 2 if lucky. I'm thinking to start with pregnancy attempts pretty much immediately after we get married because of our age.

 

If we were younger - I'd still expect move in and/or marriage discussions around year 2 the latest. But after 30 - the clock is ticking, ticking fast if you want kids . Even if not - still not clear why mature people will spend years evaluating compatibility... Unless you both want and agreed on just to stay casual indefinitely

 

I totally get what you're saying, and absolutely agree - when I say marriage in 1-2 years, I'd be fine with it in a year (and that's the marriage, not the engagement), which would mean married in <3 years of meeting each other and engaged in the very near future.

 

As for kids - again, I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to get anyone pregnant prior to marriage - so kids a year after marriage would mean getting pregnant within about 3 months of getting married

 

Yes - the timelines are getting pretty tight...I think she'd need a bit longer to get comfortable with the idea of kids, but I think she'd come around pretty quick. This is kind of why I'm asking about what a healthy/good relationship looks like at this point - if these things are going to happen, they'll start pretty soon, and I want to try to be sure. If things are going south, I also want to know ASAP, so I can more on sooner than later...

[No_Go]

I think if you're comfortable communicating (including tough topics like money, health etc), it is a sign of a healthy relationship.

 

Physical affection is another sign of a functional relationship, I saw she's more of a 'cuddler' which is not necessarily bad if you're both ok with it, but lack/decrease of physical intimacy is not a good sign.

 

Being comfortable around each other's friends/family is also sign of a healthy relationship. For me that's one of the hardest things to achieve, but if you're planning future together, at 2 years your circles of friends/family/acquaintances should be blending.

 

I totally get what you're saying, and absolutely agree - when I say marriage in 1-2 years, I'd be fine with it in a year (and that's the marriage, not the engagement), which would mean married in <3 years of meeting each other and engaged in the very near future.

 

As for kids - again, I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to get anyone pregnant prior to marriage - so kids a year after marriage would mean getting pregnant within about 3 months of getting married

 

Yes - the timelines are getting pretty tight...I think she'd need a bit longer to get comfortable with the idea of kids, but I think she'd come around pretty quick. This is kind of why I'm asking about what a healthy/good relationship looks like at this point - if these things are going to happen, they'll start pretty soon, and I want to try to be sure. If things are going south, I also want to know ASAP, so I can more on sooner than later...

[BluEyeL]

I'm 2years and 2 months in a great relationship. We are engaged , will get married July next year. I think you should talk to her about it.

 

The "animalistic" thing is normal to regress a bit, I wouldn't worry about that unless there is a problem like mismatched libido.

 

It just strikes me that you two don't really talk much about important things. You should talk to her .

[fluidian]

I'm 2years and 2 months in a great relationship. We are engaged , will get married July next year. I think you should talk to her about it.

 

The "animalistic" thing is normal to regress a bit, I wouldn't worry about that unless there is a problem like mismatched libido.

 

It just strikes me that you two don't really talk much about important things. You should talk to her .

 

Yeah - I'm starting to think/realize that we don't talk much about the content in this thread - it's more just have fun together and read between the lines (which aren't usually too hard to read between). That said, bringing up this type of content would be very helpful/useful in assessing where things stand...

[Grisho]

Yeah - I'm starting to think/realize that we don't talk much about the content in this thread - it's more just have fun together and read between the lines (which aren't usually too hard to read between). That said, bringing up this type of content would be very helpful/useful in assessing where things stand...

 

I find it worrying you 2 don't talk about anything serious nor anything long-term, given kids are a desire of both of you. If both of you want kids, whether with each other or not, you need to make decisions towards that this year or the next. Remember nobody knows what is biologically possible until they try, and even those who do manage to get biologically pregnant without medical intervention don't necessarily become pregnant in the first year of trying.

 

I wonder why I had to list the topics for you to realise you should be mentioning those things, because they are topics relevant to a relationship of depth. Only you know why those topics weren't mentioned in your original post, but I was a bit surprised you expected people to offer opinions based on hardly anything. I see it as the same trait as displayed with your girlfriend - passively assuming everything's in order.

[fluidian]

I find it worrying you 2 don't talk about anything serious nor anything long-term, given kids are a desire of both of you. If both of you want kids, whether with each other or not, you need to make decisions towards that this year or the next. Remember nobody knows what is biologically possible until they try, and even those who do manage to get biologically pregnant without medical intervention don't necessarily become pregnant in the first year of trying.

 

I wonder why I had to list the topics for you to realise you should be mentioning those things, because they are topics relevant to a relationship of depth. Only you know why those topics weren't mentioned in your original post, but I was a bit surprised you expected people to offer opinions based on hardly anything. I see it as the same trait as displayed with your girlfriend - passively assuming everything's in order.

 

Details of my relationship weren't included in my original post, as I was simply asking about what people generally thought were characteristics of a healthy (or unhealthy) relationship at ~2 years (and I provided context for why I was asking about the 2 year mark) - I wasn't really planning on doing an assessment of my situation - I'm fine that it migrated that way, but it wasn't really quite what the original intention was. As such, I left out those details, so people would comment more on their experiences, or share their untainted thoughts, as opposed to trying to analyze my situation...it was an intentional omission. As stated, though, I'm fine that it changed tune - and it's probably better that way.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah - I'm starting to think/realize that we don't talk much about the content in this thread - it's more just have fun together and read between the lines (which aren't usually too hard to read between). That said, bringing up this type of content would be very helpful/useful in assessing where things stand...

 

Generally talking openly about different life things, plans for the future, opinions on major life views is important for a good relationship. This is what I love about ours, and others have noticed also and mentioned to me: we can openly talk about anything, things that could be awkward like say finances, how we'll divide them, how we'll divide house work, children etc. It is true that it's mostly me who opens up these discussions but I find my fiancee is very comfortable participating and I dont' feel any anxiety or awkwardness when talking about anything. You seem to hold back, and she seems to hold back also.