Rimbaud59 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Is it harder to become infatuated (falling in love) when you're older? I met a girl when I was 25 and I felt ''in-love' with her very quickly, almost instantly, and her to me. On the physical attractiveness scale, though, she was about a 7, but infatuation turned her into a 9 in my eyes. She was 20. She dumped me after two years after becoming infatutated with someone else. As twenty year olds are wont to do. However, I recently dated a girl for five months whom I thought was incredibly attractive. I would say she was a 9 easily. She was also smart - she was a doctor and she was 33, I'm 29. For 3 months it was really good. We had a lot of sex, a lot of kissing and a lot of fun, but no infatuation or ''falling in love''. But after 3 months it just kinda started to fizzle and there was 'no spark' and I attribute that to neither of us ''falling-in-love.'' I never once had the 'fireworks or butterflies' and I'm assuming neither did she. But why is this? Why did I feel 'head over heels' for a 7, but not remotely for a 9. She just seemed like an incredibly attractive friend whom I had sex with, and she to me. I couldn't understand my nonchalance or lack of sexual feeling for her. Everything I read suggests that sexual attraction is to do with physical attractiveness, but the 'spark' was there for an initial period - or we wouldn't have dated, and her to me. After 5 months she said she wasn't ''sexually attracted'' to me, but I took that as a ''code word'' for ''infatuated'' as we had lots of sex and lots of kissing. So I'm assuming physical attractiveness was not an issue to her. Is it harder to become infatuated as we age? Edited August 16, 2016 by Rimbaud59
Leigh 87 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 No. I still fall as hard as ever with age. You just have to fall for the right people who are also compatible with you. Fot lasting relationships, most people skip the infatuation and instant chemistry, in favour of seeking out people they have incredible compatability with first, and letting attraction build. Being attracted enough to try sleeping with someone is usually enough for experienced daters who place emphasis on having a relationship and starting a family. Personally, I need the infatuation phase and to feel " head over heels to occur first with an outwardly compatible person, and then see if we are a good fit over time. Each to their own. Many people rarely fall head over heels.
RecentChange Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I have never for a moment thought that physical beauty is what would cause me to fall in love with someone. Their body attracts me physically, but I fall in love with their mind and their actions. What did you love about your old GF. Was it really just her body? You do not mention anything else I love a man for his intelligence, his wit, his morals, his courage, the way he treats people, the way he treats ME, his passion, the look in his eyes when he gazed at me, the way he talks about the future, his goals. And yes, it's important that I find his physically attractive, but that does not make me fall in LOVE. For me, when it's all about how he looks, that's falling in LUST not LOVE. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I don't think so. But your comments just go to show that looks are not everything. Sexual attraction is a combination of many things, the way a person thinks, the way they hold themselves, their reactions to certain things. Everyone has something that makes them special. Everyone has different preferences as to what they think that special person needs to have to be attractive. So its trying to match those two together that is the hard part. The weirdest thing is that you may not even know what it is that makes them attractive... or you may find it unattractive on others. I call it the hairy chest conundrum... Hairy chests look fabulous on some but just plain daft on others... Its the way a person "owns" what they have. I shouldn't panic if I were you OP. You still have plenty of time to find that special person just for you. Keep looking, keep dating and eventually you will find that girl who knocks your socks off.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the responses. The thing is, I did really like her. I really liked her personality but at the start I 'just wasn't feeling it' or it didn't 'feel the same as infatuation,'' and felt like ending it, but couldn't because she was so attractive that I thought I would regret it. But the odd thing is, I enjoyed this companionate love more, and it really grew on me to the extent that I saw a future for us. In the end she ended it because ''She just wasn't feeling it,' and lack of ''sexual attraction.'' We were compatible, and I'm assuming, because we were intimate, that she was attracted to me physically as well. It's not like she lacked for options. Because I don't believe in infatuation as a good measuring yardstick for a long-term relationship, I was really disappointed by the end, especially as two weeks previous to break-up she told me ''this is going really well.'' I liked this stability and lack of insecurity and anxiety associated with infatuation. So surprised that someone went from that position to a 360 degree and broke up due to '' lack of sexual attraction.'' Edited August 16, 2016 by Rimbaud59
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I have never for a moment thought that physical beauty is what would cause me to fall in love with someone. Their body attracts me physically, but I fall in love with their mind and their actions. What did you love about your old GF. Was it really just her body? You do not mention anything else I love a man for his intelligence, his wit, his morals, his courage, the way he treats people, the way he treats ME, his passion, the look in his eyes when he gazed at me, the way he talks about the future, his goals. And yes, it's important that I find his physically attractive, but that does not make me fall in LOVE. For me, when it's all about how he looks, that's falling in LUST not LOVE. So true. I definitely think that you can fall in love at any age... If anything, I think it gets better as you get older because you know better what you want in another person and you appreciate it more when you find it.
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Thanks for the responses. The thing is, I did really like her. I really liked her personality but at the start I 'just wasn't feeling it' or it didn't 'feel the same as infatuation,'' and felt like ending it, but couldn't because she was so attractive that I thought I would regret it. But the odd thing is, I enjoyed this companionate love more, and it really grew on me to the extent that I saw a future for us. In the end she ended it because ''She just wasn't feeling it,' and lack of ''sexual attraction.'' We were compatible, and I'm assuming, because we were intimate, that she was attracted to me physically as well. It's not like she lacked for options. Because I don't believe in infatuation as a good measuring yardstick for a long-term relationship, I was really disappointed by the end, especially as two weeks previous to break-up she told me ''this is going really well.'' I liked this stability and lack of insecurity and anxiety associated with infatuation. So surprised that someone went from that position to a 360 degree and broke up due to '' lack of sexual attraction.'' When you have "love" you have the whole shebang... this wasn't love. It doesn't matter about looks or anything else its compatibility that makes it last and making sure that neither of you become complacent and take each other for granted that makes it last happily.
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) But the odd thing is, I enjoyed this companionate love more, and it really grew on me to the extent that I saw a future for us. I liked this stability and lack of insecurity and anxiety associated with infatuation' I think obviously, there needs to be some physical attraction initially. But, this companionship and stability is so much better than any perceived "sparks or fireworks." I find, when I have the companionship, humor, he treats me well, etc... That's when I start to feel sparks and fireworks... That's when I know, this is really good. I'm sorry it didn't work out with this girl. But, hopefully you have learned from this and the next time you find it, you will know it... Not necessarily chasing "sparks and fireworks" with someone who you find physically attractive - that's not really what makes a great long term relationship. Edited August 16, 2016 by BaileyB 1
Author Rimbaud59 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I think obviously, there needs to be some physical attraction initially. But, this companionship and stability is so much better than any perceived "sparks or fireworks." I find, when I have the companionship, humor, he treats me well, etc... That's when I start to feel sparks and fireworks... That's when I know, this is really good. I'm sorry it didn't work out with this girl. But, hopefully you have learned from this and the next time you find it, you will know it... Not necessarily chasing "sparks and fireworks" with someone who you find physically attractive - that's not really what makes a great long term relationship. Exactly. That's why I thought this relationship was going to be long term as I really came to like her personality and the stability, despite 'sparks.' Her physical appearance was just a bonus. And she really liked mine. Suggesting at the break up that, when I rejected her idea that we be friends, she was really, really annoyed and said we could become 'great, great friends.' She wasn't letting me down, she really wanted to be friends. But she wanted 'sparks.' Ugh.
Author Rimbaud59 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) When you have "love" you have the whole shebang... this wasn't love. It doesn't matter about looks or anything else its compatibility that makes it last and making sure that neither of you become complacent and take each other for granted that makes it last happily. That's what I'm saying. We had compatibility but she want 'infatuation.' But it surprised me because it meant that her looks had actually become irrelevant to how I perceived her. I loved the 'friendship' and compatibility we had. But considering she had looks and compatibility for me, I don't know why I wasn't 'in love.' It surprised me. Obviously she had the same feeling but interpreted it differently as having no future due to the lack of sexual attraction or 'being in-love.' As a female she is led by her feelings of attraction Edited August 16, 2016 by Rimbaud59
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 But she wanted 'sparks.' Ugh. She's chasing something, but she doesn't know what. Perhaps, she's chasing something that doesn't exist. Either way, it's her problem, not yours. Again, sorry it didn't work out because it's frustrating when you think it's going somewhere and it doesn't. But, it takes two to make a relationship work. And, if she doesn't recognize it when she has it, then she is not the one for you...
Author Rimbaud59 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 She's chasing something, but she doesn't know what. Perhaps, she's chasing something that doesn't exist. Either way, it's her problem, not yours. Again, sorry it didn't work out because it's frustrating when you think it's going somewhere and it doesn't. But, it takes two to make a relationship work. And, if she doesn't recognize it when she has it, then she is not the one for you... I know. She's not the one for me. She isn't exactly thinking about me. She's probably hooking up with others and glad she got rid of me. I'm not unaware of this, and I'm not unaware that this is what obviously what she wants - which is obviously not me.
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 That's what I'm saying. We had compatibility but she want 'infatuation.' But it surprised me because it meant that her looks had actually become irrelevant to how I perceived her. I loved the 'friendship' and compatibility we had. But considering she had looks and compatibility for me, I don't know why I wasn't 'in love.' It surprised me. Obviously she had the same feeling but interpreted it differently as having no future due to the lack of sexual attraction or 'being in-love.' As a female she is led by her feelings of attraction Infatuation is actually very easy to produce if you are so inclined. Love - real love - on the other hand well that is a killer to try to fake. I think she liked you a lot, I think she thought highly of you but when it came down to brass tacs she discovered she wasn't in love and spun out the attraction line. Its as common as the "its not you - its me" line. Those are spun out when there is nothing "wrong" with the other person but its just not going to work out long term... Females are capable of using logic as well you know... Logic and emotions do not always mix terribly well... There really is nothing wrong here. I think you are fretting because on paper you two should be producing babies by now by in reality it just was never going to go that far. Just because the paper says its a go doesn't mean that in real life it is.
WhirlwindGuy Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Exactly. That's why I thought this relationship was going to be long term as I really came to like her personality and the stability, despite 'sparks.' Her physical appearance was just a bonus. And she really liked mine. Suggesting at the break up that, when I rejected her idea that we be friends, she was really, really annoyed and said we could become 'great, great friends.' She wasn't letting me down, she really wanted to be friends. But she wanted 'sparks.' Ugh. I had almost this exact scenario happen to me a few months back, in much the same way. It sucks at the time because it comes so suddenly, but as others have said...she isn't for you unfortunately.
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