blueberrywater Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Currently dating a awesome girl who thinks the world of me Unfortunately I feel myself butchering it. My previous ex cheated on me with 3 different guys (i didnt find out about any of them until the same time) When we broke up she said hurtful things, things she knew that would hurt me Since then I have really closed myself up until I met this girl The past few weeks I have felt myself becoming clingy and dependent for no reason She said she hadn't noticed and asked why I had been acting so paranoid I told her about my ex and how I really havent been opening myself up to people and that I have just opened myself up lately and it's all been pouring out She didnt react badly to it but I know i need to get my emotions under control or I oculd run her off I basically told her I'm not very good at expressing feelings and that I am slighly worried I'll run her off Of course today I regret saying all that What should I do?
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I just posted this elsewhere: "It's an absolute red flag. There are 2 bright red flags relative to this: 1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas 2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance." You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties.
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 What should I do? Shut up. Calm down and be grateful that everyone is different and that you have a good one now. Let the ex go. Your new girl is not your ex. If you need to get stuff about the ex off your chest ring a mate do not speak to your new girl about it. If you feel insecure find things outside of your new relationship that help you feel more secure. or ditch new girl, stay single for a while until you are over it all and then start dating again.
Redhead14 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Currently dating a awesome girl who thinks the world of me Unfortunately I feel myself butchering it. My previous ex cheated on me with 3 different guys (i didnt find out about any of them until the same time) When we broke up she said hurtful things, things she knew that would hurt me Since then I have really closed myself up until I met this girl The past few weeks I have felt myself becoming clingy and dependent for no reason She said she hadn't noticed and asked why I had been acting so paranoid I told her about my ex and how I really havent been opening myself up to people and that I have just opened myself up lately and it's all been pouring out She didnt react badly to it but I know i need to get my emotions under control or I oculd run her off I basically told her I'm not very good at expressing feelings and that I am slighly worried I'll run her off Of course today I regret saying all that What should I do? Done is done. And, there isn't anything wrong with expressing what you're feeling. You told her the truth. You'll just have to sit back and observe how she deals with it. Be prepared for whatever comes. The past few weeks I have felt myself becoming clingy and dependent for no reason -- there is a reason, but it's the wrong reason for feeling that way with her. She's paying for your Ex's sins. You also need to consider and review whether or not she has actually given you a reason to be "triggered". In other words, has she actually done anything or behaved in a way that reminds you of what you experienced and so you have a real reason to be questioning HER loyalty. If not, you're projecting and that likely means you are not "over" that previous experience and you need to give yourself more time without a relationship in order to pack up all that 'baggage'. Sit back with this girl now and take each day as it comes. Chill out. If you mention or try to "recover" this and keep picking at it, it will push her away.
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. As she earns your trust, you need to trust her unless she gives you a reason not to... I would suggest, you may find some counselling really helpful. I know someone who had a similar experience and he felt that it was negatively affecting his current relationships. A few visits with a counsellor made all the difference. It's about you and your anxiety. You have to find a way to deal with that or it will affect this and every other relationship you have. What happened to you in your previous relationship is awful... But it would be even worse if you let it affect your future relationships and future happiness. Don't give her the satisfaction! All the best!
Zapbasket Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I just posted this elsewhere: "It's an absolute red flag. There are 2 bright red flags relative to this: 1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas 2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance." You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties. THIS, bar none. You need more time to heal, and you'll know you're healed enough to begin dating again when you feel yourself relating to the world in an open, confident, easy way. You say you're closed off emotionally in general, not just from your past relationship. Or that's how I read what you are saying. If this is so, then you owe it to yourself above all to get with a good therapist to look at the stories you hold about intimacy, sharing emotions, and being vulnerable. If you really don't want to leave your current relationship, then weekly therapy with a very good practitioner is a must. Really, either way, therapy is a must. It's actually quite a wonderful thing, because it can open you up and free you to grow in ways you never would have thought possible. 1
aj2124 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 It sounds like you still have quite a bit of hurt to work through from your past relationship. Do you have any friends or family members who you are comfortable talking to about your concerns and the past hurt? A significant other cannot play the role of an entire support system. If you do not already have people in place that you feel you can trust, you may consider focusing on building that support system. One setting I can think of that would be good for this is church. Often times, they offer groups that help you work through hurt while also building relationships with others.
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