Should I end it with a guy who might not be over his ex?

[KatZee]

I do believe rebounds can turn into serious relationships. I know it does happen. However, there are other issues that have come up that are a turn off.

 

1. He does not respect my explicit request for space. He keeps asking me to see him more and I've told him several times I'm an introvert and need my space. I know what it's like when guys really like you and want to see you, but in general, guys know when to give a girl breathing room when she asks for it.

 

2. I'm busy and social. He's not. I'm always doing stuff with friends, he's not. Hence why he always wants to hang out but it's a turn off when a guy doesn't have anything else in his life going on.

 

3. There were other minor red flags. When we discussed my concerns about him rebounding he said, "well at least I didn't lie to you. I could have lied to you and told you we broke up months ago but I didn't." That statement worries me. Lying should not be an option. I'm not sure why he even said it.

 

4. The last date was really weird. Our interactions were off. We were playing a game and he kept talking over me, not respecting my opinions etc. It was minor stuff, nothing big but enough to make me uncomfortable.

 

Trust me, if everything was perfect I'd probably continue dating him but take it at a snail pace. He seems like a good guy but if I'm being honest, we probably aren't compatible and his comment about the lie makes me think some other stuff might be off.

 

With all of these issues, just leave. You're not his girlfriend, you've only met him in person like 4-5 times. Just fade out and don't respond to his texts anymore. I could see if you were his girlfriend, dating 6 months and it was a bit harder to end it, but really, this is not a thing.

 

From experience, don't waste your time. Sure, rebounds can turn real, but from my experience that's an exception, not the rule.

 

My last serious boyfriend and I got together soon after he ended a LTR. I was worried I was a rebound, he assured me I was not. Stupidly, I decided to give him a chance and we dated for 3 years.

 

Two and a half years into the relationship, I found out he had been screwing his ex-gf behind my back. Waxing nostalgic about their relationship, wondering if he made a mistake leaving her. He never DID officially go back to her, he stayed with me, but I don't think that aspect really matters. If someone isn't over the ex, don't waste your time. The only one hurt is gonna be you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well mbee I'm going to go a little bit against the grain just offer some food for thought.

 

Yes he does sound like his mind is still pretty much on his ex, BUT it could be because he is recently single and a bit rusty with dating he feels it is some form of camaraderie to offer you "insight" of what he had with his ex. Not that he is necessarily pining for her and not over her. Logic would dictate 2 months is not nearly long enough to be over a 3 year relationship but do you know the specifics of his split?

 

Like:

 

Why did they split?

Who dumped whom?

Are they still in contact? etc...

 

Your spidey sense is taking over and that is a good thing but unless you know for sure what his situation is, while it is fair to offer him the information that it takes you a year to get over a relationship, everyone works in different timeframes. This idea of "time" in between is useless if said time is not used in a way that is conducive to healing but also used to learn new ways and in making the necessary changes to embark on a new clean slate.

 

What I'm saying is it may not take him a year to get over someone, some people get over their relationships while they are still in them. Some people stay alone for years waiting for the pain to subside but actually do NOTHING about changing some of the core issues that contributed to the demise of the last relationship and do nothing to avoid making the same mistakes again.

 

So time alone is not indicative of readiness to be all in again.

 

Slowing things down is the best thing you can do and don't let him talk you out of that. I agree with Toodaloo 100% he is love bombing you and that IS cause for concern. He either has a tendency to attach very quickly and that is his style or he is looking to replace what he had for fear of being alone, like you said. You have nothing to lose if you take things slow and at YOUR pace.

[Sunkissedpatio]

There were other minor red flags. When we discussed my concerns about him rebounding he said, "well at least I didn't lie to you. I could have lied to you and told you we broke up months ago but I didn't." That statement worries me. Lying should not be an option. I'm not sure why he even said it.

 

Because a LOT of people downplay when the split was or where they are at emotionally, in order to win over a rebound. I would even go as far as saying lying about that kind of stuff is almost the norm not the exception. He could have very easily said it was a lot longer than it actually was if he really was emotionally still attached.

[mbee]

Because a LOT of people downplay when the split was or where they are at emotionally, in order to win over a rebound. I would even go as far as saying lying about that kind of stuff is almost the norm not the exception. He could have very easily said it was a lot longer than it actually was if he really was emotionally still attached.

 

I see what you are saying but I do disagree on this point. I've personally never lied about when a relationship ended. I've also never experienced a guy who lied about this either. My last very long-term relationship (my ex was a serial monogamist which I did not know at the time) my ex did tell me him and his ex broke up 3 months beforehand. At the time I was inexperienced with dating but I did feel like he hadn't been single long enough. All I'm saying is lying about when a relationship ended does not seem normal to me.

 

If I really liked this guy, I would actually take it slow. At this point I don't have any real feelings. I'm a slow burn type of girl so that's normal for me but as I mentioned there are some wider compatibility issues. I'm the type who likes my space, likes a slow burn and is super social and goes out a lot with my friends. My past long term relationships were always with guys who are the same, social, independent, etc. The guys I get along with really well (friends or otherwise) are the same as well.

 

This guy doesn't seem social and he always talks about things he wants to do, for example, such as travel, but he only does that if he's with a girlfriend. We just seem different in that way. He seems to emotionally attach really easily from the very brief time I've known him so I want to end the situation more for his benefit as I'd normally be cool with casually dating someone non-exclusively and seeing if things go anywhere but he seems to clearly want a relationship quite quickly which I'm not ready for at all with this guy.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

If I really liked this guy, I would actually take it slow. At this point I don't have any real feelings. I'm a slow burn type of girl so that's normal for me but as I mentioned there are some wider compatibility issues. I'm the type who likes my space, likes a slow burn and is super social and goes out a lot with my friends. My past long term relationships were always with guys who are the same, social, independent, etc. The guys I get along with really well (friends or otherwise) are the same as well.

 

 

Fair enough. This ^ is quite different from this:

 

Truthfully, I think I could really like this guy if I didn't get a strong gut intuition that he's rebounding. I enjoy kissing him and I enjoy his company but I get the sense that he's clingy, needy and just looking to be with anyone, rather than finding the right person for him. Honestly, I feel bad for wanting to end it and just want your input. He's nice, friendly and a good guy but I get this strong vibe that he's rebounding and doesn't like me for me. I've told him my concerns and he still wants to keep seeing me, but again, he's being a bit clingy and something feels off. I'm in my late twenties and I'm focused on finding the right guy right now... I'm just wondering if I'm making a mistake by wanting to end it with a guy who has good qualities.

 

I was responding to your original post. If you feel you are incompatible, you don't really like him, plus you think he is rebounding and clingy...what are you mulling over? End it! You said you are serious about finding your match so why waste your time with thing guy who is simply a good guy but you dislike pretty much everything else about him?

 

You don't HAVE to be with someone just because they want to be with you. It's never fun to tell someone you are not a good match but better be upfront about it and honest for both sakes than lead him on.

 

I think a LOT of people who are just out of a relationship lie about how long they are split because they don't want to be dismissed as emotionally unavailable and they want to date. I don't think EVERYONE lies about how long they have split. Someone who has been single for a while has no need to lie, people who are recently single do have a need to lie because they may feel ready to date but they don't want to be disqualified on the basis that they are freshly out of a relationship. I am not saying it is a right thing I am just saying it happens and him telling you what he did could be because of the reason I just explained.

[mbee]

Fair enough. This ^ is quite different from this:

 

 

 

I was responding to your original post. If you feel you are incompatible, you don't really like him, plus you think he is rebounding and clingy...what are you mulling over? End it! You said you are serious about finding your match so why waste your time with thing guy who is simply a good guy but you dislike pretty much everything else about him?

 

You don't HAVE to be with someone just because they want to be with you. It's never fun to tell someone you are not a good match but better be upfront about it and honest for both sakes than lead him on.

 

I think a LOT of people who are just out of a relationship lie about how long they are split because they don't want to be dismissed as emotionally unavailable and they want to date. I don't think EVERYONE lies about how long they have split. Someone who has been single for a while has no need to lie, people who are recently single do have a need to lie because they may feel ready to date but they don't want to be disqualified on the basis that they are freshly out of a relationship. I am not saying it is a right thing I am just saying it happens and him telling you what he did could be because of the reason I just explained.

 

Yeah haha I know that is very conflicting. I wrote the original post about 12 hours after our date. This is the issue with this type of guy who wants to spend more time with me than I'd prefer... I tend to get confused and don't get time to myself to actually think if I like this guy. Right after the date I was like okay, maybe I could really like him. My main concerns were the rebound so I wrote this post so yes immediately after that date I thought I could maybe really like this guy if we spent more time together in the future.

 

Now that it's been a few days, I have no desire to spend time with him at all, hence why I'm a slow burn type. I usually learn I really like a guy when I start to miss him, crave the next time we see each other, etc. Anyway I guess I've just lost interest as I was definitely more interested in dating him before our 4th date.

 

Apologies for the confusion there, I guess I was confused about my feelings myself.

 

Yes, I see your point now. Thanks for explaining!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hahah no worries I totally get it! ;-)

 

What would dating be without confusion? Oh ya...falling in love.