Should I end it with a guy who might not be over his ex?

[mbee]

Hi All,

 

I went on a 4th date with a guy last night. We met just over 2 weeks ago so having 4 dates in 2 weeks is a bit too much for me. He's mentioned his ex casually (without me asking at all or mentioning exes at all) on pretty much 3 out of our 4 dates. Our last date just ended and again I didn't mention exes at all or touch on the subject. During the date he mentioned the cats he used to own with his ex, all their names, etc. I got visibly annoyed as he just mentioned it out of nowhere (I didn't ask about his cats at all and he doesn't own the cats anymore so I don't understand why he brought them up). He also mentioned where his ex is from and her family. He continued to mention how him and his ex ended up living together (again I didn't ask for this information). It was very frustrating for me as he kept bringing her into the conversation and I felt so annoyed as we are in a bar, trying to have a good time and he's bringing his ex up.

 

Finally out of frustration I asked him when they broke up. He said the beginning of June, so barely 2 months ago! They lived together or 2 years, were together for 3 years, egh! He could tell from my face that I was a bit upset and he asked if I was turned off to dating him. I told him that I wasn't turned off by it but it was hard for me to relate to as I generally take a year to get over my exes.

 

A few hours go by and we enjoy the rest of the night. he's walking me home. I decide to be open and honest with him. I tell him I have concerns he's not over his ex and I'd like to take it slow. I told him about the last guy I dated for several months and how that ended because the guy was not yet over his ex. The guy I'm dating told me, "I think I'm over my ex but maybe you're right, maybe I'm not." I reiterated that he might be over his ex, but I just don't want to get hurt. He understood and all seemed to go well and clearly he's really interested in me.

 

Truthfully, I think I could really like this guy if I didn't get a strong gut intuition that he's rebounding. I enjoy kissing him and I enjoy his company but I get the sense that he's clingy, needy and just looking to be with anyone, rather than finding the right person for him. Honestly, I feel bad for wanting to end it and just want your input. He's nice, friendly and a good guy but I get this strong vibe that he's rebounding and doesn't like me for me. I've told him my concerns and he still wants to keep seeing me, but again, he's being a bit clingy and something feels off. I'm in my late twenties and I'm focused on finding the right guy right now... I'm just wondering if I'm making a mistake by wanting to end it with a guy who has good qualities.

 

This strong gut feeling that something isn't quite right is making it hard for me to develop feelings or want to take the relationship further. Would love your thoughts.

[Toodaloo]

mbee.

 

I am going to be harsh here.

 

Run.

 

Run before you get attached. Because after you get attached its ten times harder. So just leave.

 

You do not need to be nasty or mean just fade away quietly if you want. Or you can be honest and tell him that you don't think he is over his ex so you do not want to date him any more.

 

Either way makes no difference.

[mbee]

mbee.

 

I am going to be harsh here.

 

Run.

 

Run before you get attached. Because after you get attached its ten times harder. So just leave.

 

You do not need to be nasty or mean just fade away quietly if you want. Or you can be honest and tell him that you don't think he is over his ex so you do not want to date him any more.

 

Either way makes no difference.

 

Thanks for your input. Why run? I'm guessing this comes off as a major red flag to you? Man I wish I had more dating experience sometimes... would make these situations much easier. Yeah if I do end it, I'll let him know kindly via text. We already talked about it in person so he knows I have those concerns already

[Toodaloo]

Thanks for your input. Why run? I'm guessing this comes off as a major red flag to you? Man I wish I had more dating experience sometimes... would make these situations much easier. Yeah if I do end it, I'll let him know kindly via text. We already talked about it in person so he knows I have those concerns already

 

Its a major red flag and I stuck around only to find that the full story is far worse than they let on... Now I am stuck. I have been trying to finish it for around a month now but just can't bring myself to do it.

 

Thankfully my guy is making an effort to sort himself out but how long to you hang around waiting for?

 

Just get out and don't waste time. he probably is a half decent bloke but to be fair to men there are loads of great guys out there. They are not as rare as we think. So why let yourself get stuck with one who has his head up his bottom?

 

Just stop it now before it goes further and you get attached. Save yourself the guilt trips and angst.

[stillafool]

No he isn't over his ex but he still needs sex. Some people are just co dependent. If 4 dates in 2 weeks was too much for you why did you go?

[mbee]

No he isn't over his ex but he still needs sex. Some people are just co dependent. If 4 dates in 2 weeks was too much for you why did you go?

 

If I'm being honest, I felt guilt tripped. He kept saying how he wants to see me and inviting me to all these things such as dinner with his friends, driving to see me, going on a hike with me and so on. I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to carve time out. I've had a busy and exhausting week so figured I'd see him the first night I had free. I'm glad you asked me this cause it just hit me that the last 2 dates were out of guilt as I'm an introvert and need more time to myself. I prefer 1 date a week, and 2 if we are just hitting it off. I haven't been in a serious relationship for 3 years or taken dating seriously in a year so I want to make time for guys and make an effort at finding someone compatible to me.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation Toodoolo and I hope that gets worked out soon. You are right, I know there are other great guys out there... it's just tough when there's really nothing wrong with him specifically except this rebound thing.

[Grisho]

It's an absolute red flag. There are 2 bright red flags relative to this:

 

1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas

 

2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas

 

The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance.

[Toodaloo]

If I'm being honest, I felt guilt tripped. He kept saying how he wants to see me and inviting me to all these things such as dinner with his friends, driving to see me, going on a hike with me and so on. I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to carve time out. I've had a busy and exhausting week so figured I'd see him the first night I had free. I'm glad you asked me this cause it just hit me that the last 2 dates were out of guilt as I'm an introvert and need more time to myself. I prefer 1 date a week, and 2 if we are just hitting it off. I haven't been in a serious relationship for 3 years or taken dating seriously in a year so I want to make time for guys and make an effort at finding someone compatible to me.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation Toodoolo and I hope that gets worked out soon. You are right, I know there are other great guys out there... it's just tough when there's really nothing wrong with him specifically except this rebound thing.

 

and that he is already guilt tripping you...

 

Don't worry about me. One way or another I will sort it out. Too old to buggar about these days. But you can feel sorry for my poor friends who are having to listen to it day in and out!!! God I sound like a stuck record at the moment and its driving me mad let alone them!!!

[mbee]

Sigh I just got a text! Again the guilt tripping

 

This is how the guilt works: I told him tonight I am an introvert and can we have a date in a week so I can be fully rested and be 100% focused on him and having a good time. He says yes, he understands. 10 minutes later he says let's meet up on X day (4 days from now). He then says, "I know you said you are tired this week, but maybe I can meet you after your class ends and we can have brunch/lunch or hang out before you meet up with your friend. I want to try to make your day as easy as possible." I start to feel guilty cause he's saying he wants to make my life easier, even though I told him outright I'd like to see him in one week so I can get some rest and spend proper time with him.

 

you are right Toodaloo, things will sort themselves out! Again, best of luck with your situation. Sounds very rough.

 

You are completely right Grisho! Thanks for that!

[Grisho]

Sigh I just got a text! Again the guilt tripping

 

This is how the guilt works: I told him tonight I am an introvert and can we have a date in a week so I can be fully rested and be 100% focused on him and having a good time. He says yes, he understands. 10 minutes later he says let's meet up on X day (4 days from now). He then says, "I know you said you are tired this week, but maybe I can meet you after your class ends and we can have brunch/lunch or hang out before you meet up with your friend. I want to try to make your day as easy as possible." I start to feel guilty cause he's saying he wants to make my life easier, even though I told him outright I'd like to see him in one week so I can get some rest and spend proper time with him.

 

you are right Toodaloo, things will sort themselves out! Again, best of luck with your situation. Sounds very rough.

 

You are completely right Grisho! Thanks for that!

 

Just make a (cordial) clean-cut, and wish him all the best with healing. He has made a mistake that most people make. We're all at fault for people jumping from relationship to relationship, because noone ever promotes the opposite (that it's imperative for damaged people to heal, before getting tangled up with someone new). All we read and see is about how dreadful it is to be unwanted, unloved, eternally single blah blah blah. There are millions of people making millions from businesses dealing with "the problems of being single" yada yada yada.

 

Your post is a great reminder to all of us reading that we need to start promoting healthier approaches to navigating one's way through life.

[Toodaloo]

Sigh I just got a text! Again the guilt tripping

 

This is how the guilt works: I told him tonight I am an introvert and can we have a date in a week so I can be fully rested and be 100% focused on him and having a good time. He says yes, he understands. 10 minutes later he says let's meet up on X day (4 days from now). He then says, "I know you said you are tired this week, but maybe I can meet you after your class ends and we can have brunch/lunch or hang out before you meet up with your friend. I want to try to make your day as easy as possible." I start to feel guilty cause he's saying he wants to make my life easier, even though I told him outright I'd like to see him in one week so I can get some rest and spend proper time with him.

 

you are right Toodaloo, things will sort themselves out! Again, best of luck with your situation. Sounds very rough.

 

You are completely right Grisho! Thanks for that!

 

You are heading down that slippery slope to where I am at... He is "love bombing" you.

 

Time to quit.

[kendahke]

He's not over his ex; you're not his therapist, so rein in your romantic feelings for him.

 

If how he is acting turns you off that much, then limit the amount of time you spend with him and certainly keep your feelings on a tight leash with a choke collar. You know exactly what you're dealing with here--to progress trying to make this more than what it is capable of being will be on you, not him.

[Redhead14]

Hi All,

 

I went on a 4th date with a guy last night. We met just over 2 weeks ago so having 4 dates in 2 weeks is a bit too much for me. He's mentioned his ex casually (without me asking at all or mentioning exes at all) on pretty much 3 out of our 4 dates. Our last date just ended and again I didn't mention exes at all or touch on the subject. During the date he mentioned the cats he used to own with his ex, all their names, etc. I got visibly annoyed as he just mentioned it out of nowhere (I didn't ask about his cats at all and he doesn't own the cats anymore so I don't understand why he brought them up). He also mentioned where his ex is from and her family. He continued to mention how him and his ex ended up living together (again I didn't ask for this information). It was very frustrating for me as he kept bringing her into the conversation and I felt so annoyed as we are in a bar, trying to have a good time and he's bringing his ex up.

 

Finally out of frustration I asked him when they broke up. He said the beginning of June, so barely 2 months ago! They lived together or 2 years, were together for 3 years, egh! He could tell from my face that I was a bit upset and he asked if I was turned off to dating him. I told him that I wasn't turned off by it but it was hard for me to relate to as I generally take a year to get over my exes.

 

A few hours go by and we enjoy the rest of the night. he's walking me home. I decide to be open and honest with him. I tell him I have concerns he's not over his ex and I'd like to take it slow. I told him about the last guy I dated for several months and how that ended because the guy was not yet over his ex. The guy I'm dating told me, "I think I'm over my ex but maybe you're right, maybe I'm not." I reiterated that he might be over his ex, but I just don't want to get hurt. He understood and all seemed to go well and clearly he's really interested in me.

 

Truthfully, I think I could really like this guy if I didn't get a strong gut intuition that he's rebounding. I enjoy kissing him and I enjoy his company but I get the sense that he's clingy, needy and just looking to be with anyone, rather than finding the right person for him. Honestly, I feel bad for wanting to end it and just want your input. He's nice, friendly and a good guy but I get this strong vibe that he's rebounding and doesn't like me for me. I've told him my concerns and he still wants to keep seeing me, but again, he's being a bit clingy and something feels off. I'm in my late twenties and I'm focused on finding the right guy right now... I'm just wondering if I'm making a mistake by wanting to end it with a guy who has good qualities.

 

This strong gut feeling that something isn't quite right is making it hard for me to develop feelings or want to take the relationship further. Would love your thoughts.

Finally out of frustration I asked him when they broke up. He said the beginning of June, so barely 2 months ago!

 

Should I end it with a guy who might not be over his ex? -- YES!!!

[stillafool]

Sigh I just got a text! Again the guilt tripping

 

This is how the guilt works: I told him tonight I am an introvert and can we have a date in a week so I can be fully rested and be 100% focused on him and having a good time. He says yes, he understands. 10 minutes later he says let's meet up on X day (4 days from now). He then says, "I know you said you are tired this week, but maybe I can meet you after your class ends and we can have brunch/lunch or hang out before you meet up with your friend. I want to try to make your day as easy as possible." I start to feel guilty cause he's saying he wants to make my life easier, even though I told him outright I'd like to see him in one week so I can get some rest and spend proper time with him.

 

you are right Toodaloo, things will sort themselves out! Again, best of luck with your situation. Sounds very rough.

 

You are completely right Grisho! Thanks for that!

 

What's wrong with just saying "NO"?

[kendahke]

If I'm being honest, I felt guilt tripped.

 

Do you honestly think that if the tables were turned, he would have felt guilt tripped about avoiding your calls?

 

Not wanting to deal with someone who is so clearly not over their ex is nothing to feel guilty about. He is being unfair and he's wasting your time. It's striking that he doesn't know himself well enough to admit that he's not over her--how can he be 2 months out after a 3 year relationship?

 

So let's say you ignored all those red flags... you get with him and 6 months later, you notice him start to fade or he seems incapable of moving your relationship further because he's still grappling with his feelings for her--and you break up. You're avoiding all of the middling mess and getting to the inevitable result--letting him go to go handle his business and sort himself out.

 

The first time he mentioned his ex, you were put on notice. The second time he mentioned her, you should have said something to him. It shouldn't take 4 dates for you to get around to saying something to him. No one wants to hear about anyone's ex right off the bat when getting to know someone. I know I sure don't. It's the fastest route to disinterest for me.

 

The frequency with which he brought up his ex screams that he's not over her.

 

Don't feel guilty about protecting your feelings--he'd do the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, that's not enough time and he's definitely love bombing you. He needs to be more considerate of your wishes and your time. He's very demanding, although in a nice way, but it will only get worse...

 

I would be done with him...

[mbee]

Thanks for all the amazing responses and insight. I 100% agree and now feel comfortable ending this. I suppose I felt conflicted as I do read threads on OLD in this forum about some guys feeling they didn't get a fair chance and I never want to be the type of person who has too high standards. But yeah honestly after the breakups of my serious relationships, I need a year minimum of being single. I might date for fun or pursue casual relationships but I don't date seriously so it's very hard for me to believe a guy who broke up with his ex of 2-3 years just 2 months ago is ready for a relationship.

 

Anyway he knows my feelings as we had a conversation in person, so I'll just fade out, not initiate conversations and not agree to any dates. If he continues to push, I'll tell him again that I'm concerned he's rebounding.

 

Thanks again everybody!

[maryquitecontrary]

Honestly, I would still give him a chance. I have started a rebound before that turned into something much more so it is still possible.

[Grisho]

Thanks for all the amazing responses and insight. I 100% agree and now feel comfortable ending this. I suppose I felt conflicted as I do read threads on OLD in this forum about some guys feeling they didn't get a fair chance and I never want to be the type of person who has too high standards. But yeah honestly after the breakups of my serious relationships, I need a year minimum of being single. I might date for fun or pursue casual relationships but I don't date seriously so it's very hard for me to believe a guy who broke up with his ex of 2-3 years just 2 months ago is ready for a relationship.

 

Anyway he knows my feelings as we had a conversation in person, so I'll just fade out, not initiate conversations and not agree to any dates. If he continues to push, I'll tell him again that I'm concerned he's rebounding.

 

Thanks again everybody!

 

Well done for enforcing your boundary. That instinct will keep you safe, and in healthy relationships. I especially loved this part in your post "I need a year minimum of being single", because it shows you are forcing yourself to heal, and being careful not to inflict your own emotional woundson others. Well done. Be proud of yourself.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks for all the amazing responses and insight. I 100% agree and now feel comfortable ending this. I suppose I felt conflicted as I do read threads on OLD in this forum about some guys feeling they didn't get a fair chance and I never want to be the type of person who has too high standards. But yeah honestly after the breakups of my serious relationships, I need a year minimum of being single. I might date for fun or pursue casual relationships but I don't date seriously so it's very hard for me to believe a guy who broke up with his ex of 2-3 years just 2 months ago is ready for a relationship.

 

Anyway he knows my feelings as we had a conversation in person, so I'll just fade out, not initiate conversations and not agree to any dates. If he continues to push, I'll tell him again that I'm concerned he's rebounding.

 

Thanks again everybody!

 

I am one who sometimes gets slated because I will say if I think something can be salvaged...

 

This one though? You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

 

He is absolutely NOT ready even if he can't see it himself. Get out now before the guilt trips get worse. Well done for keeping your boundaries up. I wish I had.

[mbee]

Honestly, I would still give him a chance. I have started a rebound before that turned into something much more so it is still possible.

 

I do believe rebounds can turn into serious relationships. I know it does happen. However, there are other issues that have come up that are a turn off.

 

1. He does not respect my explicit request for space. He keeps asking me to see him more and I've told him several times I'm an introvert and need my space. I know what it's like when guys really like you and want to see you, but in general, guys know when to give a girl breathing room when she asks for it.

 

2. I'm busy and social. He's not. I'm always doing stuff with friends, he's not. Hence why he always wants to hang out but it's a turn off when a guy doesn't have anything else in his life going on.

 

3. There were other minor red flags. When we discussed my concerns about him rebounding he said, "well at least I didn't lie to you. I could have lied to you and told you we broke up months ago but I didn't." That statement worries me. Lying should not be an option. I'm not sure why he even said it.

 

4. The last date was really weird. Our interactions were off. We were playing a game and he kept talking over me, not respecting my opinions etc. It was minor stuff, nothing big but enough to make me uncomfortable.

 

Trust me, if everything was perfect I'd probably continue dating him but take it at a snail pace. He seems like a good guy but if I'm being honest, we probably aren't compatible and his comment about the lie makes me think some other stuff might be off.

[Trinity_84]

Thanks for all the amazing responses and insight. I 100% agree and now feel comfortable ending this. I suppose I felt conflicted as I do read threads on OLD in this forum about some guys feeling they didn't get a fair chance and I never want to be the type of person who has too high standards. But yeah honestly after the breakups of my serious relationships, I need a year minimum of being single. I might date for fun or pursue casual relationships but I don't date seriously so it's very hard for me to believe a guy who broke up with his ex of 2-3 years just 2 months ago is ready for a relationship.

 

Anyway he knows my feelings as we had a conversation in person, so I'll just fade out, not initiate conversations and not agree to any dates. If he continues to push, I'll tell him again that I'm concerned he's rebounding.

 

Thanks again everybody!

This might be a silly question, but what is "OLD"?

[Grisho]

This might be a silly question, but what is "OLD"?

 

People are lazy, hence refusing to type whole words, even though it would help be inclusive. On Line Dating.

[SunnySide0418]

Did you ask WHY they broke up?? I'd be curious to know that.

[mbee]

Did you ask WHY they broke up?? I'd be curious to know that.

 

Nah not at all. Talking about exes really bothers me early on in dating, I'd rather be focused on learning more about the person I'm dating than who they dated. I had no interest in knowing more at that stage. From the way he talked about her didn't sound like she had done anything bad to him.