She said I ruined her birthday

[Howyoulikeme]

I didn't post the message, but I'll give my answer.

 

First off, why should she side with her sisters partner rather than her own partner? Why would you think that that makes sense?

 

Why would I be sure that's how I would act?

From past experiences. I've had similar treatment in relationships. Usually when they are breaking down.

I know first hand the damage you can do to yourself staying in a situation like that, doubting yourself even though you know deep down you need to get out.

I won't do that to myself anymore.

Yolo.

 

I don't know why but according to her, it's because he's family and he's always going to be there and if I can't get on with him, she doesn't want that conflict.

 

I'm not saying I agree with that. I'm just asking what people thought about it to make sure I'm not being unfair.

 

As far as past experiences, I understand.

 

I got out of a bad relationship about three years ago where the girl was treating me badly. She would manipulate the situation and make me believe I was doing wrong. Obviously it probably comes as no surprise, it took me forever to get out of it and I was exhausted and worn down by the time I did.

 

Oh also, about an hour ago, I received a text off her saying 'will you come over tonight, I miss you'

 

I haven't responded.

 

I still need to collect my stuff at some point because I have a lot of things there

[Grisho]

People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas

 

The large majority of people make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance.

 

You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties.

 

This entire relationship is broken beyond repair.

[TXGuy]

 

I'm not saying I agree with that. I'm just asking what people thought about it to make sure I'm not being unfair.

 

You need make sure you are being fair to yourself first.

 

It is ok to expect that your needs and perspectives are addressed and given at least equal weight as others. If you can develop a sense of self respect, most others (not all) will respect you as well. Part of developing self respect is (in no particular order): knowing when you are not being treated properly, being willing to call out (calmly) people when they don't treat you properly, being willing to walk away if poor treatment continues. Once you get that stuff calibrated, life generally gets better. Sometimes that involves culling people out of your life, but often just setting clear boundaries is sufficient.

[Howyoulikeme]

You need make sure you are being fair to yourself first.

 

It is ok to expect that your needs and perspectives are addressed and given at least equal weight as others. If you can develop a sense of self respect, most others (not all) will respect you as well. Part of developing self respect is (in no particular order): knowing when you are not being treated properly, being willing to call out (calmly) people when they don't treat you properly, being willing to walk away if poor treatment continues. Once you get that stuff calibrated, life generally gets better. Sometimes that involves culling people out of your life, but often just setting clear boundaries is sufficient.

 

Yeah I understand. So if I think it's unfair to me then I should set a boundary.

 

There's no right or wrong really that's why I think it's confusing.

 

In her eyes it's like why wouldn't I choose my bil, he's family and it'll make conflict if you don't like him.

 

In my eyes that guy is an arsehole, not even just from that night. He's a big head who's full of ****. He was very condescending the first time I met him. I don't like people like that.

 

It still confuses me because one is fair to her and the other is fair to me. But they say relationships are about compromise. So does that mean if I wanted to still be in the relationship and be fair to her, I'd have to take the comment back about not wanting to see the bil ever again and just go along with it and be cordial with him?

[Grisho]

Yeah I understand. So if I think it's unfair to me then I should set a boundary.

 

There's no right or wrong really that's why I think it's confusing.

 

In her eyes it's like why wouldn't I choose my bil, he's family and it'll make conflict if you don't like him.

 

In my eyes that guy is an arsehole, not even just from that night. He's a big head who's full of ****. He was very condescending the first time I met him. I don't like people like that.

 

It still confuses me because one is fair to her and the other is fair to me. But they say relationships are about compromise. So does that mean if I wanted to still be in the relationship and be fair to her, I'd have to take the comment back about not wanting to see the bil ever again and just go along with it and be cordial with him?

 

You've made loads of mistakes. You need to apologise for the birthday debacle. You need to try to take back your refusal to be around her family members, and try to build bridges with her relative. If you tried to build bridges over a period of 3 to 4 months, and he was hostile throughout, you'd then have reason to ask her to intervene and speak with him about his hostility. If he continued, you'd then have reason to ask her to only include you on family invitations that are really important (again, no refusal - refusal is childish).

[ExpatInItaly]

Reading through the whole thread, I still maintain that while she is upset about the birthday, she was having doubts about you anyway. I would guess that her seemingly firm stance on this is the result of a culmination of second-thoughts, whether she's voiced them or not.

 

While I do think she's not wrong to be irritated by what happened and concerned about potential family conflict, I also think she may have been looking for a way to end this anyway.

 

I would bet any money she wasn't totally happy in the relationship before this. And you may or may not have been aware of that.

[Pantera]

You maybe should have make more effort and joing in conversation.

 

But i dont know how long you know this girl, but maybe you are the introvert type.

If she knew you are like that or cared for you she would have try to get you into conversations also. But its first you as grown up that also have to do your part and try to engage in conversation. And if you not feeling it ,call it off.

 

I dont think its her sister and husband place to say anything to you!

They are trouble makers!

And so is she. By not handle it herself or tell them to back off.

I think it was best if you met your friends somewhere else.

 

At the end, this show just that its not a match!!

And it wont get better.

Leave this people work on your social skills. And move on.

[joseb]

So does that mean if I wanted to still be in the relationship and be fair to her, I'd have to take the comment back about not wanting to see the bil ever again and just go along with it and be cordial with him?

 

Sure. If you want to spend your life apologising and saying you were wrong even when you were not, then go do that.

 

This guy is an abusive idiot. If your gf doesn't see that then she either is blind or has such a terrible opinion of you that she doesn't care how you are treated.

 

This whole birthday nonsense is just an excuse for her to start breakup proceedings. She likely lacks the skills to breakup properly.

 

I still have not seen any reason why you want to stay in this relationship. What is so special about her that you would consider putting up with all this crap to be with her.

 

It's time you started to live a genuine life.

 

You need to spend time outside of a relationship because I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are ready for one with anyone.

[ChatroomHero]

How can you have such a firm stance on that you would not accept that behaviour and as you said, as soon as she chose the bil you would've walked.

 

With my ex-fiancée we were pretty much done, talking about counseling, etc. I found out she was secretly hanging with her ex, while driving my car, living in my house rent and bill free, eating the food I provided, not paying for anything...At that point I was trying to help her out, but that level of disrespect was unacceptable. I told her I will not support another man's woman and she could go live with him and he could surely provide her a car. It's a matter of knowing when someone is treating you like garbage, if you stand for it you are garbage.

In your case, as soon as she chose the BIL, she basically told you it will never work. How can you be so firm not to walk? She told you directly, you are nothing. I prefer a mean assh*le over your company and input.

 

 

Like I'm just curious. How can you be so strong? How would you not have niggling doubts such as 'maybe I caused this' or 'maybe we were both wrong'

Well I don't hate myself and think I am beneath someone I am dating because she has a vagina. I kind of think you do.

Look, stop the bs. You have expressed a strong feeling that you were in the right and she totally dismissed you, the threats from bf, and basically said you lied. How can that not piss you enough to leave?

The issue is she says you are 100% wrong and you know you aren't. Why be with someone like that?

 

 

Also in situations like that, aren't they always going to choose the bil?

Nope, not if they care for you. She would respect it if you refused to come to family functions and she would back you up to friends and family. They all know BIL is an ass and I guarantee there are already other family members that avoid him.

Have you ever had a friend your gf did not like? You still hang with him but don't subject her to his company. In a couple, ALL of her friends do not need to be your friends as well.

 

Because I find it so difficult to pick an angle then act on it. Mainly because I have so many doubts and there are such a lot of grey areas, if that makes any sense

 

I think your problem is you have little respect for yourself. If someone from the street randomly came up and punched you in the back of the head, you would wonder what you did to offend them and if you should apologize. A man would put up his guard to make sure he didn't get hit again and start planning the massive ass beating he was about to unleash on said offender.

 

There is no gray area. BIL threatened you, gf knows but says it didn't happen and doesn't care, you think somehow her using BIL as an enforcer on you is justifiable. You know damn well at some point BIL will be drunk and gf will make a comment about you one day and he will probably sucker punch you or start a fight and guess who's corner GF will be in? That's gotta at least depress you enough to move on from her.

[Grisho]

You need to stay away from women until you learn how to be a good partner. Your mindset is not healthy.

 

You should have introduced your friends to each person at the party. You were wrong to stand with your friends and make no introductions as soon as they arrived.

Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Howyoulikeme]

You need to stay away from women until you learn how to be a good partner. Your mindset is not healthy.

 

You should have introduced your friends to each person at the party. You were wrong to stand with your friends and make no introductions as soon as they arrived.

 

I actually don't think my mindset is wrong.

 

I think I'm just a complete pussy. That's what's been holding me back all these years.

 

They were sitting in a corner with no space. I had to climb over two chairs to get out.

 

I said to my friends let's go over and say hi and they said, I don't think we can, you just had to climb over two chairs at the sides of other people to get here. They waved across and said we'll say hi properly when everyone gets up.

[Grisho]

I actually don't think my mindset is wrong.

 

I think I'm just a complete pussy. That's what's been holding me back all these years.

 

They were sitting in a corner with no space. I had to climb over two chairs to get out.

 

I said to my friends let's go over and say hi and they said, I don't think we can, you just had to climb over two chairs at the sides of other people to get here. They waved across and said we'll say hi properly when everyone gets up.

 

All just laziness. You had every opportunity to speak to everyone in attendance, and to introduce your friends as soon as they arrived, and you didn't. Quite why you think it's beyond you to move some chairs is puzzling.

[Howyoulikeme]

Gotcha bout the language.

 

I coulda done the moving chairs thing yes, but at that point I didn't wanna. That's on me. I shoulda just left the joint and gone and got some pizza with my friends.

 

I'm thinking of several occasions now with this girl where I've been manipulated.

 

The first in which was months ago and she had a massive go at me because o wanted to attend a dinner wearing a bow tie and she kicked up a huge fuss with me and basically said don't come if you're wearing a bow tie because my ex used to wear bow ties and I hate them.

 

I should've ran and never looked back at that point.

[TXGuy]

Gotcha bout the language.

 

I coulda done the moving chairs thing yes, but at that point I didn't wanna. That's on me. I shoulda just left the joint and gone and got some pizza with my friends.

 

I'm thinking of several occasions now with this girl where I've been manipulated.

 

The first in which was months ago and she had a massive go at me because o wanted to attend a dinner wearing a bow tie and she kicked up a huge fuss with me and basically said don't come if you're wearing a bow tie because my ex used to wear bow ties and I hate them.

 

I should've ran and never looked back at that point.

 

It's good to see you are finally starting to wake up. Keep at it.

[Grisho]

Gotcha bout the language.

 

I coulda done the moving chairs thing yes, but at that point I didn't wanna. That's on me. I shoulda just left the joint and gone and got some pizza with my friends.

 

I'm thinking of several occasions now with this girl where I've been manipulated.

 

The first in which was months ago and she had a massive go at me because o wanted to attend a dinner wearing a bow tie and she kicked up a huge fuss with me and basically said don't come if you're wearing a bow tie because my ex used to wear bow ties and I hate them.

 

I should've ran and never looked back at that point.

 

Don't believe any of it, I'm afraid. She's always the villain in your stories. Every time you discuss someone else's behaviour, it's always in extremes, never moderate terms.

 

Have you ever had an healthy relationship with a woman?

[Howyoulikeme]

Don't believe any of it, I'm afraid. She's always the villain in your stories. Every time you discuss someone else's behaviour, it's always in extremes, never moderate terms.

 

Have you ever had an healthy relationship with a woman?

 

You sound just like her and other hard faced women. 'Oh you're always playing the victim'

 

She's actually manipulative as heck. She keeps telling me not to babysit my friends. Tells me they should look out for themselves. Tried to tell me I shouldn't let one stay for a week when he had no where else to go.

 

I had a relationship three years ago where the girl tried to pull exactly the same crap.

[Grisho]

You sound just like her and other hard faced women. 'Oh you're always playing the victim'

 

She's actually manipulative as heck. She keeps telling me not to babysit my friends. Tells me they should look out for themselves. Tried to tell me I shouldn't let one stay for a week when he had no where else to go.

 

I had a relationship three years ago where the girl tried to pull exactly the same crap.

 

Revolutionary idea, I know, but how about you answer the question I asked, rather than concentrate on demeaning me and attacking women generally?

 

Have you ever had a healthy relationship?

[Howyoulikeme]

Revolutionary idea, I know, but how about you answer the question I asked, rather than concentrate on demeaning me and attacking women generally?

 

Have you ever had a healthy relationship?

 

Yes. With a girl in LA two years ago. She was lovely but I don't have a visa to stay so I was back and forth but we ended it because it was too hard to be 5000 miles from each other.

 

She was very articulate. Very feminine. It was a huge shame

[Grisho]

Yes. With a girl in LA two years ago. She was lovely but I don't have a visa to stay so I was back and forth but we ended it because it was too hard to be 5000 miles from each other.

 

She was very articulate. Very feminine. It was a huge shame

 

How long did it last?

[GemmaUK]

I have only read your posts Op - so maybe my thoughts differ to any other responses.

 

This was her birthday - part of your job was to mix - simple as that.

The best thing you could have done for yourself was to not sit next to her but amongst the table at dinner - you alienated yourself.

Everyone knows that if you wanna be in the gig you don't sit on the outside at dinner no matter who is there.

 

You alienated yourself another time, another and another too from what I have read of your posts.

You also said 'I feel left out' instead of saying/faking 'yeah I'm OK' and throwing yourself into your GFs birthday party night.

 

Not a 'love/dating relationship' but I saw my brother for the first time in ten years not long ago. We were epically close when I was a teen - from when I was about 13 - he was 20 then.

He emigrated in 2005 back to the country he was born in.

This was his first time back.

This was one night there was a possibility to have me and him time - but there was a crew - his old skool crew.

I know and like a handful of them and I saw my bro sit at one end of this huge table and I saw him watch me walk a way away and I picked a chair opposite and next to people I really never liked at all.

 

I was pretty much edge to middling but my bro was edge - we couldn't talk - too far away - but it was HIS night.

 

Each and every one of his old buddies switched seats and went for a good old chat with him.

I got to realise that those I didn't really like I never would - but there were a few surrounding folk who made it tolerable - and fun!

 

I didn't speak to my bro at all for the 4 hours we were there - I saw him outside.

He thanked me for ditching him but said he would have loved for it to be a me and him night - but we have time for that - anytime - or none even - because it doesn't matter. The love is there so all is good no matter what.

He thanked me because he was given by me the time to be himself - with his old skool friends - and to just have a good time with them.

 

We are 3 years later and due to where he lives I still have not had that time with just him and me - if it ever happens - great - if it doesn't - we love each other so it's irrelevant.

 

One time events like birthdays or trips are special - her b/day has been wrecked by something so silly it's ridiculous.

[Grisho]

I have only read your posts Op - so maybe my thoughts differ to any other responses.

 

This was her birthday - part of your job was to mix - simple as that.

The best thing you could have done for yourself was to not sit next to her but amongst the table at dinner - you alienated yourself.

Everyone knows that if you wanna be in the gig you don't sit on the outside at dinner no matter who is there.<snip full quote>

 

I cannot like this post enough. Absolutely spot on, and entirely consistent with my posts here. What a considerate, fantastic person you are. You did everything right, by showing your love and support through your actions, and letting someone else be the star. Just brilliant.

Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[ChatroomHero]

 

Not a 'love/dating relationship' but I saw my brother for the first time in ten years not long ago.

 

I was pretty much edge to middling but my bro was edge - we couldn't talk - too far away - but it was HIS night.

 

Each and every one of his old buddies switched seats and went for a good old chat with him.

 

I didn't speak to my bro at all for the 4 hours we were there - I saw him outside..

 

 

...And if your brother was mad you didn't make more of a effort to talk to him (despite your good intentions) and one of your brother's friends said they didn't care for you not interacting more with your brother that you never see and they were going to physically assault you, and your brother told you that next time if you want to see him you would have to suffer that person's company....then what?

 

 

This was an adult birthday party, not his gf coming back to town after 10 years. An adult birthday is about as important as a normal Saturday night. His gf said she intentionally ignored him to be with others, why because a birthday is special and you can ignore your SO?

 

 

So what other events rank as making one so special they can ignore their SO on purpose and be given a full pass?

 

 

I think celebrating these life impacting events are on par with an adult birthday party:

-Passing a Pee test.

-Joining a last place team in sports league and making it out to a couple of the games.

-Beating your friend who cheats at Madden.

-Successfully cutting poo out of your dogs fur.

-Dropping a glass bottle and not having is shatter.

 

 

his gf admittedly ignored him, her BIL threatened him, and she blames him for not being thrilled for being treated like a stranger because, gasp! It was her very special day! Princesses an ponies and unicorns for her!

 

 

If OP had said it was his oh so special day and purposely ignored his gf because he wanted to hang with his friends, not one person would say he was justified and she was in the wrong for feeling left out and less than thrilled to be there. In addition if OPs sister-in-law threatened to punch his gf and OP told his gf tough, learn to deal with it, not one poster would support him in any way.

[preraph]

You have a possessiveness problem and are jealous even of family members. Yes, this is all on you. It's her special occasion and she got to spend it with a bunch of her family and friends and had to spread herself around and she depended on you to mingle and mix and do your part instead of acting like a sullen child.

[joseb]

OP, how is the rest of your relationship?

Are you generally happy with your gf?

Does she seem happy with you?

 

What about her attracted you initially?

Has her behaviour changed over the course of the relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, how is the rest of your relationship?

Are you generally happy with your gf?

Does she seem happy with you?

 

What about her attracted you initially?

Has her behaviour changed over the course of the relationship?

 

Good questions. I feel some more context could give us all a better idea of the events that night.

 

It sounds to me like the frustration bubbled over at the birthday party, on both sides.