She said I ruined her birthday

[DramaInPajamas]

She IS normally like this. This is the real her coming out.

 

For the love of god go home and act with some dignity.

 

Dont pander to her when she ignored you and called you a liar when one of her family members threatened you,

[Grisho]

There is a point of no return in relationship warfare. There's no way she can stay with you, given the problems. Apologise sincerely for your behaviour on her birthday, and say your last goodbye cordially. You don't yet have the skills to be a good partner.

[BaileyB]

 

For the love of god go home and act with some dignity.

 

Dont pander to her when she ignored you and called you a liar when one of her family members threatened you,

 

This! You teach people how to treat you. You are teaching her that she can walk all over you, ignore you, threaten you, call you a liar, blame you for anything... and that you will allow her to treat you badly. In fact, you will stick around and assume the blame - thus encouraging her to continue to behave in this way.

[mortensorchid]

*sigh* High school never ends, does it?

 

First, this whole situation sounds very immature on both of your parts. It is now behind you, DONE.

 

Second: You both did what you did and said what you said. You can't take that back, but today is a new day. From this moment on, YOU are going to be better. I can't speak for her and the others in the story, but YOU are going to be better. Fact. You will start today.

 

Third: The guy that you feel intimidated by is not going to go away, also a fact. He's married to your gf's sister. Get over it. He's semi-family (as you and your gf are not married, so you are semi-family). He can do and say whatever he likes (he didn't seem like he did anything out of the ordinary), and but you have to take the high road and GET OVER IT.

 

Fourth : Your gf may not have been totally in the right either to have reacted the way she did, but don't jump to a conclusion like saying you want to break up with her over this. A stumble is not any reason to end things forever. Measure her total character, not this mistake. I think a lot of people have this attitude about others, which is WRONG. Contrary to popular belief, we are being taught intolerance rather than tolerance in personal relationship (it's all about me, if A is not perfect than B will be, I can change this, etc.), and we have to acknowledge that things are the way they are rather than what they can/will be. And laugh as much as you can with and at each other.

[Lorenza]

Unless they were deliberately excluding you from their conversations, you should have tried to join in, ask people some questions about them, tell a joke etc. I understand there are people who don't feel confident enough to freely talk to new people, but then you at least join in as a listener. Sometimes I'm not a social butterfly myself, but I try to smile, laugh and show signs of participation, instead of sitting in the corner. It's actually really awkward when a friend or a SO is consciously excluding themselves.

 

In such situations it's good to have some encouragement as well, so of course your girlfriend could have reached out a hand there and said something like: "Oh by the way, my bf's hobby is x, isn't that cool? Bf, tell them about it" as an ice breaker. But either she doesn't respect you much or she's tired of trying as you maybe always exclude yourself. The fact that she let her bully brother-in-law taunt you like that, makes me think that's it's the first one.

 

But despite of what I wrote above, I also got an impression that she kinda enjoyed you being on the outside of the circle and not trying to break into it, so that she can feel like a victim later on. Some people love to accuse others of ruining things for them.

[Howyoulikeme]

I was waiting for her to come back from the fitness class to talk to her about this. She just text saying she's going for a meal with her sister.

 

Staying here at hers is just making me look stupid so I'm going to go home.

 

I think it's pretty clear she wants to break up with me. She's said its damage done that she doesn't think can be reversed.

 

How can you tell me two days before you want me to move in soon and tell me you want kids then you're now all in a tiz because I may or may not, depending upon opinions in here have acted out of order at your birthday.

 

I want the chance to apologise but I don't think I'm going to get it.

[kendahke]

But I at least want that to happen face to face, not with a note.

 

I guess it is all on me but I can't leave it like this because I feel empty inside right now.

 

I haven't even got the guts to leave. Even if she doesn't wanna fix it, I can't walk out the door with her or them thinking I'm an arsehole who ruined her birthday. It's just one occasion. Why would you throw everything away because of that.

 

Here is where you're stuck--and it may be because you're oblivious to what's been going on or you're only interested in seeing what you want to see and wanting what you want.

 

This isn't about what happened last night--this is a culmination of slights and perceived wrong doing by you. Either she's told you about it and you've ignored it or you're completely oblivious to how your actions come across to her--whatever it is, enough of it has gone down to now, she's at the wall with it and cannot go one step further.

 

It shouldn't have gotten to the point where it is now if you'd been aware of what was going on... that is a communication problem.

 

"But I don't want to leave" isn't a good enough excuse now. She wants out--things have gotten to the point where she's done with this. In your position, your best bet is to gather up your stones and leave before she returns. An in-face meeting isn't going to solve anything now. There are times when you just need to walk the eff away and this is one of those times.

 

Find some guts or buy some guts--whatever it takes, but get your stuff and be in the wind.

[DramaInPajamas]

I was waiting for her to come back from the fitness class to talk to her about this. She just text saying she's going for a meal with her sister.

 

Staying here at hers is just making me look stupid so I'm going to go home.

 

I think it's pretty clear she wants to break up with me. She's said its damage done that she doesn't think can be reversed.

 

How can you tell me two days before you want me to move in soon and tell me you want kids then you're now all in a tiz because I may or may not, depending upon opinions in here have acted out of order at your birthday.

 

I want the chance to apologise but I don't think I'm going to get it.

 

She wants she wants she wants.

 

She wants to move in, she wants kids, she wants to break up, you want nothing it seems but to kiss her arse.

 

Why the heck are you apologizing and trying to stop her breaking up with you?

 

You know what strikes me: nowhere in this post have you ever said anything about her that makes her likeable. What do you honestly like about her? You list her demands is all you do.

 

I'm out. Go be a nancy boy and grovel to her if you want.

[kendahke]

I was waiting for her to come back from the fitness class to talk to her about this. She just text saying she's going for a meal with her sister.

 

Staying here at hers is just making me look stupid so I'm going to go home.

 

I think it's pretty clear she wants to break up with me. She's said its damage done that she doesn't think can be reversed.

 

How can you tell me two days before you want me to move in soon and tell me you want kids then you're now all in a tiz because I may or may not, depending upon opinions in here have acted out of order at your birthday.

 

I want the chance to apologise but I don't think I'm going to get it.

 

Just leave her a note saying you're sorry for offending her and leave it at that. Nothing more needs to be said.

 

And block her from contacting you. The whole way she went about this is just as immature as how you went about it.

[Howyoulikeme]

She wants she wants she wants.

 

She wants to move in, she wants kids, she wants to break up, you want nothing it seems but to kiss her arse.

 

Why the heck are you apologizing and trying to stop her breaking up with you?

 

You know what strikes me: nowhere in this post have you ever said anything about her that makes her likeable. What do you honestly like about her? You list her demands is all you do.

 

I'm out. Go be a nancy boy and grovel to her if you want.

 

I've been a Nancy boy my whole life. Friends and my mum tell me this all the time.

 

She made it clear on her note that I've showed no remorse for spooling her birthday. Which is true I haven't. Mainly because I'm still upset by it and I can't come out with a fake apology unless I mean it.

 

It's a shame it's gone down this way.

 

I text saying are you just willing to walk out of this as easy as that and she said you've clearly not understood my letter.

[DramaInPajamas]

I've been a Nancy boy my whole life. Friends and my mum tell me this all the time.

 

She made it clear on her note that I've showed no remorse for spooling her birthday. Which is true I haven't. Mainly because I'm still upset by it and I can't come out with a fake apology unless I mean it.

 

It's a shame it's gone down this way.

 

I text saying are you just willing to walk out of this as easy as that and she said you've clearly not understood my letter.

 

Well now is the time to stop being a pushover.

 

Why would you text her about walking out easy when she had already dumped you. Then you waited for her at her place.

 

Why would you hang around someone who treated you badly and dumped you.

[Alamo657]

Don't listen too much to the "you lack confidence etc", not everyone has a hand full of it and there is no reason for people lacking confidence to be excluded from social interaction for that reason. Sadly that's the answer to everything here : "not confident = insecure = get confidence or die".

 

From my point of view your GF was excluding you by not including you. It's her duty to introduce and make you feel at ease with people you do not know.

 

SHE lacks the skills to have YOU as a boyfriend, and you were right to feel angry at her selfish attitude.

 

Regarding the aftermath, she mistreated you, disrespected you and told you to your face that you're a liar. There is no relationship between you too anymore to be saved.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Alamo657

[BaileyB]

 

SHE lacks the skills to have YOU as a boyfriend, and you were right to feel angry at her selfish attitude.

 

Regarding the aftermath, she mistreated you, disrespected you and told you to your face that you're a liar. There is no relationship between you too anymore to be saved.

 

Agreed. Your lack of confidence is reflected mostly in your willingness to allow her to treat you badly.

 

I'm sorry that you feel like you didn't get the opportunity to talk with her and apologize for any offence you may have caused. But, it's pretty clear that she is done. Time for you to move on with as much self respect as you can gather. Take care.

[MrDuck]

It's you who is walking sluggishly behind not putting yourself out there not getting involved not taking part then your blaming your gf for it. She can't baby you you're an adult she expects you to be able to conduct yourself in a group without having to need special attentions. Keep up.

 

You were making it all about you with your self pity instead of just trying to get to know everyone you decided to close yourself off.

 

Her family prob picked up on your additude and being her family stuck up for her that's all. Surely she can spend some time with her family without you getting upset from lack of attentions...like you said they've only been around twice a good part of being a partner is knowing when it's not about you and just being there in support.

 

Second this!

 

Its up to you to get yourself involved in a conversation and to bond with her friends/family! You're an adult. Your gf shouldnt have to hold your hand

[ExpatInItaly]

This has turned into a power struggle.

 

I think she is looking for a way out of this relationship, too.

 

Sorry, but I don't see how this can end well.

[Howyoulikeme]

This totally sucks.

 

If she really cared about me and wanted all those things with me like she said, why dump me over this.

 

It's one day and somethings happened

[DramaInPajamas]

This totally sucks.

 

If she really cared about me and wanted all those things with me like she said, why dump me over this.

 

It's one day and somethings happened

 

You are still doing it.

 

You should be asking yourself if you still want to be with her after this behavior.

[joseb]

You were not being hostile at all. You were being weak. Weak men trigger white hot contempt is some women. Your gf is one of those. The fact that you are weak enough to let her bully you, drives her to bully you further. She and her family are toxic, particularly to you. You should get away from them and associate with decent people.

 

OP, you have to work on your "nice guy" persona.

Women are repulsed by this kind of weak/pa behaviour.

 

I haven't read every post, but from your op I got the feeling that she is unhappy in the relationship and working in fights to set up a breakup, either by her or you.

 

Life is too short for this kind of nonsense.

Break up with her. Do it with confidence, be polite.

Don't bring up all the back and forth arguments. You are not happy in this so you are ending it.

Then cut her out of your life.

 

Then go work on yourself before starting another relationship. I don't like the whole book, but "No more Mr nice guy" would be a useful start.

Edited August 16, 2016 by joseb

[BaileyB]

It's true. People will take advantage of you and walk all over you...

 

Your "nice guy persona" is definitely not attractive to a woman. A "nice guy" is very attractive to a woman. A doormat is not! I would guess, having read your repeated posts today that the birthday party incident was the straw that broke the camels back. No doubt, her behavior and that her her BIL was terrible. But, nobody wants to date a man who has such little self confidence and can't stand up for himself. Sorry, it's just my perception based on your posts.

 

Take some time to come to terms with this and sort yourself out before you date anyone else. Take care.

Edited August 16, 2016 by BaileyB

[seekingpeaceinlove]

When you're a couple you should be each other's cheerleader and teammate. If someone is wronging my partner I would stand up for them. If my partner was feeling left out..I would make an effort to be more inclusive. You are a team when you're in a relationship.

 

Your relationship sounds like you are on opposite teams. BOTH, of you, acted immaturely that night and incredibly selfish. You were upset at her for not paying any attention to you and she was pissed at you for making a fuss about feeling left out.

 

If you two are breaking up over this, your relationship wasn't solid anyways.

 

Work on gaining some self esteem for your next relationship. The worst thing you can at this point is to beg or chase after someone who doesn't want you.

 

My guess is that she's been having doubts about the relationship and her bday incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Seriously though, it sounds like you need to grow a pair and stop letting people walk all over you too...

 

BTW: Birthdays are just that. A birthday. People who need to celebrate for a month or think its ok to be rude because it's their "birthday" blah blah blah...narcissistic. Ugh.

Edited August 16, 2016 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Howyoulikeme]

I understand I need to get a back bone.

 

But I'm worried if I act like, **** this I'm not being treated fairly. Then of course she's gonna be like oh well **** this guy.

 

But I know that hanging around is by my own action making me look unattractive.

 

I've honestly always been like this and women have as far as I can remember picked up on it and used it to their advantage.

 

I spoke to a good friend about it earlier and he said, his fault or not, had he of been left out like that, he would've said **** this and went home there and then. He does **** like that and women chase him.

 

It's funny because in the beginning we had a bit of an argument and I told her on the phone, if you're gonna act like that, you can forget it.

 

Next thing I know she drove over to my house in tears frightened I was gonna break up with her.

 

Ever since then I've been acting like a pussy and she clearly knows it.

 

She text before saying I'm coming home now, are you gonna be at mine? I said I've come home and she said 'oh ok..' Then said I think I just need time to think about everything because my head is boggled. I said cool and left it at that.

 

The comment it's my birthday and you've ruined it. Actually she was a bit like that. You know how some people are really precious about things.

 

It's my family and I don't know how this will work if you won't come to functions.

 

She also hasn't really said for sure. She just keeps saying I don't see how this could work. But I'm not gonna be a bitch and say oh I'll totally come to functions, because I don't feel that way.

 

I knew that guy was full of **** when I first met him. I don't like people like that so it'll mean I'm gonna be seeing him more often and imagine I got seriously involved and we married or some ****. That guy would be there all the time.

 

I actually get the feeling he rules the roost and wouldn't want another guy coming in getting loads of praise.

 

I've done loads of kind things for her which I didn't even realise, they're just things I'd do for anybody and her parents have heard and were like praising me for it. So she must have dated some real arse holes before me.

[DramaInPajamas]

And you're still doing it.

 

Rationalizing it. Seeing her side of it. Wondering how to make it work long term.

 

YOur GFs birthday, she ignored you, you sulked and whinged and her brother threatened to beat you up.

 

On your gfs birthday and it ends up in a screaming mess with both of you behaving like kids, writing letters, sulking.

 

WHy do you want to continue with this relationship at all costs?

 

I'm really out this time.

 

Good luck with your dream relationship with her.

Edited August 17, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[ChatroomHero]

From your last posts, i dont think you realize it's not about having women chase you. If she chased you to the end of the earth, who cares? When you let her catch you it would be the same situation. You don't need her to chase you. Not everyone will pine away for you.

 

You want a woman that respects you to catch you, not give a good ego stroking chase. She doesn't respect you and her BIL would be an unwanted influence on your relationship. The second she chose her BIL over you I would have decided to let him "be there for her" and walked. I would have said, "Yup I'm a complete Ass but wholeheartedly believe you are a bigger Ass than I could ever aspire to be, so I wish you luck. Goodbye".

[Howyoulikeme]

From your last posts, i dont think you realize it's not about having women chase you. If she chased you to the end of the earth, who cares? When you let her catch you it would be the same situation. You don't need her to chase you. Not everyone will pine away for you.

 

You want a woman that respects you to catch you, not give a good ego stroking chase. She doesn't respect you and her BIL would be an unwanted influence on your relationship. The second she chose her BIL over you I would have decided to let him "be there for her" and walked. I would have said, "Yup I'm a complete Ass but wholeheartedly believe you are a bigger Ass than I could ever aspire to be, so I wish you luck. Goodbye".

 

I appreciate your thoughts but let me ask you.

 

If this situation happened to you or anyone who has posted similar comments in this thread.

 

How can you have such a firm stance on that you would not accept that behaviour and as you said, as soon as she chose the bil you would've walked.

 

Like I'm just curious. How can you be so strong? How would you not have niggling doubts such as 'maybe I caused this' or 'maybe we were both wrong'

 

Also in situations like that, aren't they always going to choose the bil?

 

I'm just trying to get an understanding of where you guys are coming from.

 

Because I find it so difficult to pick an angle then act on it. Mainly because I have so many doubts and there are such a lot of grey areas, if that makes any sense

[joseb]

I appreciate your thoughts but let me ask you.

 

If this situation happened to you or anyone who has posted similar comments in this thread.

 

How can you have such a firm stance on that you would not accept that behaviour and as you said, as soon as she chose the bil you would've walked.

 

Like I'm just curious. How can you be so strong? How would you not have niggling doubts such as 'maybe I caused this' or 'maybe we were both wrong'

 

Also in situations like that, aren't they always going to choose the bil?

 

I'm just trying to get an understanding of where you guys are coming from.

 

Because I find it so difficult to pick an angle then act on it. Mainly because I have so many doubts and there are such a lot of grey areas, if that makes any sense

 

I didn't post the message, but I'll give my answer.

 

First off, why should she side with her sisters partner rather than her own partner? Why would you think that that makes sense?

 

Why would I be sure that's how I would act?

From past experiences. I've had similar treatment in relationships. Usually when they are breaking down.

I know first hand the damage you can do to yourself staying in a situation like that, doubting yourself even though you know deep down you need to get out.

I won't do that to myself anymore.

Yolo.