She said I ruined her birthday

[Grisho]

I'm just totally unsure how to pursue this.

 

I also don't understand how I was hostile. I don't think being in a sulk is hostile.

 

Of course it's hostile! You are mistreating your partner when you behave like that. The onus is on all of us in relationships to always try to treat our partners well, always try to communicate well, always try to build and not burn bridges etc etc.

 

At that time, you demanded attention via your behaviour, and you got it (albeit negative). You need to learn how to convey your thoughts, feeling and emotions, without accusation, without passive-aggression, without malice, without anger, all the while listening carefully to them and taking their perspective into account... That is fundamental to being with another person in a relationship with legs. If you cannot do that, you'll always have unhappy and unhealthy relationships.

[TXGuy]

I'm just totally unsure how to pursue this.

 

I also don't understand how I was hostile. I don't think being in a sulk is hostile.

 

You were not being hostile at all. You were being weak. Weak men trigger white hot contempt is some women. Your gf is one of those. The fact that you are weak enough to let her bully you, drives her to bully you further. She and her family are toxic, particularly to you. You should get away from them and associate with decent people.

[ChatroomHero]

You were not being hostile at all. You were being weak. Weak men trigger white hot contempt is some women. Your gf is one of those. The fact that you are weak enough to let her bully you, drives her to bully you further. She and her family are toxic, particularly to you. You should get away from them and associate with decent people.

 

I'd bet money at family gatherings, public events etc., BIL is in some drama/altercation every time. I bet a lot of his stories are about the time he punched this guy at a bar recently or got out of his car to yell at someone in traffic, or at his 4 year old Nephew's birthday party he got in a fight with his brother...stuff like that... the rest of the family is used to it and probably used to going out, the guy picking a fight like a child, then moving on like it never happened. They consider it normal and not a problem...I could be wrong... but If you like that dynamic, by all means, enjoy.

 

 

What is telling is that the gf said to basically leave her alone to have fun with her friends, and when he does that to talk to his friends suddenly she requires his attention?

 

 

Her explicit wish was for him to let her hang with and focus on her friends but for him to not talk to anyone else but her friends if they allowed it...and be happy/smiley about it?

 

 

I think someone else said it best OP, there was something brewing and her BIL and sister were against you form the start. Probably she was bitching or complaining about you. It would explain them leaving you out, ignoring you, not trying to include you, leaving you behind, and Johnny Toughguy at stand ready to punch you.

[Howyoulikeme]

There's so many conflicting posts in this thread now I don't know what to believe.

 

The thing is. When she asked me what was wrong. I simply said I feel left out. I've felt like that the last couple of hours. She then went off it with me.

 

How else could I have said it?

 

She's come home from work with her feelings listed on a bit of paper. Saying she doesn't think this situation can be repaired because I have no remorse for what I've done. She also said she spoke to the bil and he said he didn't threaten me. So I'm clearly a liar too.

 

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such.

 

She came in and barely spoke and handed me a piece of paper and said this will tell you all you need to know.

[Howyoulikeme]

I'd bet money at family gatherings, public events etc., BIL is in some drama/altercation every time. I bet a lot of his stories are about the time he punched this guy at a bar recently or got out of his car to yell at someone in traffic, or at his 4 year old Nephew's birthday party he got in a fight with his brother...stuff like that... the rest of the family is used to it and probably used to going out, the guy picking a fight like a child, then moving on like it never happened. They consider it normal and not a problem...I could be wrong... but If you like that dynamic, by all means, enjoy.

 

 

What is telling is that the gf said to basically leave her alone to have fun with her friends, and when he does that to talk to his friends suddenly she requires his attention?

 

 

Her explicit wish was for him to let her hang with and focus on her friends but for him to not talk to anyone else but her friends if they allowed it...and be happy/smiley about it?

 

 

I think someone else said it best OP, there was something brewing and her BIL and sister were against you form the start. Probably she was bitching or complaining about you. It would explain them leaving you out, ignoring you, not trying to include you, leaving you behind, and Johnny Toughguy at stand ready to punch you.

 

hey were talking to me at the start and the sister continued to talk to me throughout the night. It was my gf who wasn't talking to me.

 

Also, I've heard several stories from that guy how he likes to fight and puts people on the ground etc.

 

As we were walking along, two drunken guys checked out his wife and my gf and he shouted to them yeah go on have a good stare you arse holes.

 

I said is that necessary and he said you can't let creeps get away with stuff like that. I said they're a couple of drunk guys on the street looking at boobs, so what

[Grisho]

There's so many conflicting posts in this thread now I don't know what to believe.

 

The thing is. When she asked me what was wrong. I simply said I feel left out. I've felt like that the last couple of hours. She then went off it with me.

 

How else could I have said it?

 

She's come home from work with her feelings listed on a bit of paper. Saying she doesn't think this situation can be repaired because I have no remorse for what I've done. She also said she spoke to the bil and he said he didn't threaten me. So I'm clearly a liar too.

 

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such.

 

She came in and barely spoke and handed me a piece of paper and said this will tell you all you need to know.

 

 

You should never have created this nonsense at her birthday party. You should have ensured you participated and were celebrating with her and her group. It should never have reached a point where she had to ask at her birthday party what was wrong with you. For her to ask that meant you'd already become a drain on the group and the occasion.

 

The onus was on you to celebrate her birthday with her and the group the whole evening long. You should have been introducing new topics for conversation, and proactively introducing yourself to everyone and spending time with them to get to know them. Had you felt like something difficult happened that needed to be discussed further, you should have waited until the next day, or a day when you both had a few hours to chat about it, but this would only be suitable if you had given your all to being part of the group, and getting to know the people. As it happens, you were stroppy at her birthday party, so the first thing you have to do is apologise sincerely.

[TXGuy]

There's so many conflicting posts in this thread now I don't know what to believe.

 

The thing is. When she asked me what was wrong. I simply said I feel left out. I've felt like that the last couple of hours. She then went off it with me.

 

How else could I have said it?

 

She's come home from work with her feelings listed on a bit of paper. Saying she doesn't think this situation can be repaired because I have no remorse for what I've done. She also said she spoke to the bil and he said he didn't threaten me. So I'm clearly a liar too.

 

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such.

 

She came in and barely spoke and handed me a piece of paper and said this will tell you all you need to know.

 

She's breaking up with you because she doesn't respect you. She knows she is treating you badly. Instead of standing up for yourself in a self assured way, you are trying to placate her. That causes her to lose even more respect for you. It is too late to do anything about this relationship. She is doing you a favor by cutting you loose. Move on and find someone that will treat you better. But do your part and don't be a doormat in the future.

[DramaInPajamas]

So she writes her feelings down on pieces of paper without talking to you.

 

You sulk at her birthday party without articulating what is wrong or just keeping a smile on your face for the sake of it.

 

Both of you are very immature and incapable of communicating like adults.

 

Just end this.

[Howyoulikeme]

She's breaking up with you because she doesn't respect you. She knows she is treating you badly. Instead of standing up for yourself in a self assured way, you are trying to placate her. That causes her to lose even more respect for you. It is too late to do anything about this relationship. She is doing you a favor by cutting you loose. Move on and find someone that will treat you better. But do your part and don't be a doormat in the future.

 

The weird thing is.

 

When you just walk out, they always come running. I've seen friends do it for years. I always feel sorry about the situations and try to talk them out and they want none of it.

[ChatroomHero]

There's so many conflicting posts in this thread now I don't know what to believe.

 

The thing is. When she asked me what was wrong. I simply said I feel left out. I've felt like that the last couple of hours. She then went off it with me.

 

How else could I have said it?

 

She's come home from work with her feelings listed on a bit of paper. Saying she doesn't think this situation can be repaired because I have no remorse for what I've done. She also said she spoke to the bil and he said he didn't threaten me. So I'm clearly a liar too.

 

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such.

 

She came in and barely spoke and handed me a piece of paper and said this will tell you all you need to know.

 

 

She knows BIL threatened you, she has seen it before I have no doubts.

 

 

I'll be honest, my only response to this would be to get out a red pen, correct the spelling in her note and give it back to her with the comment, "Bye".

 

 

If you feed into this bs anymore, it is all on you.

[TXGuy]

I'm surprised you think there is any valid conflicting advice. That might be because you are used to (and comfortable with) women berating you.

 

Here is an ex revise to help decide for yourself if you were in the wrong. Flip the players.

- it was your birthday with your family.

- your gf came along and was either excluded from the conversation or was unable to join it.

- she told you she felt left out.

- you told her to stop ruining your birthday and she should sit quietly and be happy for you.

- she does that for a while and then starts talking with her friends

- you send (or allow) a physically intimidating member of your family over to her to genuinely threaten her with real violence for her behavior.

- when she later comes to you with her concerns about the threats, you dismiss it and you tell her she should get used to the threatener being around.

- you tell her that if she doesn't like those terms, you are done with her.

 

Who is the 'abusive' monster in this story?

[Howyoulikeme]

She knows BIL threatened you, she has seen it before I have no doubts.

 

 

I'll be honest, my only response to this would be to get out a red pen, correct the spelling in her note and give it back to her with the comment, "Bye".

 

 

If you feed into this bs anymore, it is all on you.

 

I feel upset about it though. I didn't want it to turn out like this but the bottom of her note says I've put her in a difficult position because I've said I won't attend any family things.

 

If she's made up her mind, I don't think I can do anything about that. But I at least want that to happen face to face, not with a note.

 

I guess it is all on me but I can't leave it like this because I feel empty inside right now.

 

I'm still at her house and she's gone out to a fitness class and won't be home for an hour.

 

I haven't even got the guts to leave. Even if she doesn't wanna fix it, I can't walk out the door with her or them thinking I'm an arsehole who ruined her birthday. It's just one occasion. Why would you throw everything away because of that.

[BaileyB]

She knows BIL threatened you, she has seen it before I have no doubts.

 

 

I'll be honest, my only response to this would be to get out a red pen, correct the spelling in her note and give it back to her with the comment, "Bye".

 

 

If you feed into this bs anymore, it is all on you.

 

This, is exactly what you do! Exactly!

[Howyoulikeme]

From my side, I'm a little victim. Like a couple of people pointed out in this thread.

 

From her side I'm an arse hole who ruined her birthday and made it about me then made her choose between me and her family.

 

How am I supposed to know which is which.

 

What if it is all my fault?

[insert_name]

There's so many conflicting posts in this thread now I don't know what to believe.

 

The thing is. When she asked me what was wrong. I simply said I feel left out. I've felt like that the last couple of hours. She then went off it with me.

 

How else could I have said it?

 

She's come home from work with her feelings listed on a bit of paper. Saying she doesn't think this situation can be repaired because I have no remorse for what I've done. She also said she spoke to the bil and he said he didn't threaten me. So I'm clearly a liar too.

 

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such.

She came in and barely spoke and handed me a piece of paper and said this will tell you all you need to know.

 

Wow, how passive aggressive is that? nevermind though OP some of the female posters will be along in a bit to roll their fists and give it the "you go girrrrl" nonsense at her way of dealing with this situation. I can'tell help but feel if you flipped the genders you would have got a fair bit of sympathy.

 

But anyway, all you need to know is that one day, very soon in fact, you will look back.and realise that she has done you a favour here. She isn't relationship material, from what I have read.

[DramaInPajamas]

From my side, I'm a little victim. Like a couple of people pointed out in this thread.

 

From her side I'm an arse hole who ruined her birthday and made it about me then made her choose between me and her family.

 

How am I supposed to know which is which.

 

What if it is all my fault?

 

Who cares who's fault it was. Just forget it.

 

The bottom line is, you just dont work together and it doesnt matter who's fault it was now.

[kendahke]

How you gonna end it with me like that so cold and such..

 

 

Honey, good riddance to bad rubbish. Let her and her silliness be some other guy's problem.

 

The fact that your BIL is threatening to beat you up for something that is none of his business is enough for you to understand that she runs your relationship and every little slight she perceives (but most likely there's no proof to back up her whining) is more than enough to deduce that she's too immature to be in an adult relationship. The rest of her actions are just nails in the coffin lid of your relationship that really does need to be dead and buried.

[BaileyB]

From my side, I'm a little victim. Like a couple of people pointed out in this thread.

 

From her side I'm an arse hole who ruined her birthday and made it about me then made her choose between me and her family.

 

How am I supposed to know which is which.

 

What if it is all my fault?

 

Who cares? The relationship is a disaster! Get over it already!!

 

IMHO, you both need to grow up, stop being so passive aggressive, and develop some better communication skills. You both need to learn how to be more considerate of your partner. And you need to learn how to stand up for yourself.

 

Moving on...

[Howyoulikeme]

Who cares who's fault it was. Just forget it.

 

The bottom line is, you just dont work together and it doesnt matter who's fault it was now.

 

But it's weird it's like this,

 

Just the other week she was saying she wants me here all the time and that I should move in soon and she was talking about kids in the future.

 

Now I ruin her birthday and she doesn't want this anymore.

 

Well actually it's not said like she doesn't want it. It's said like I've put her in a difficult position and it's left her no choice really.

[CarrieT]

OP, the telling aspect of this is when you explained how you were trailing behind, felt left out, and then PROJECTED how you would react in such a situation and were hurt when others didn't act as you would.

 

This is critical because you have a way that you are seeing the situation and have polarized it into you are either a Victim or an Arse.

 

In fact, neither you nor your GF can see the middle ground or are able to discuss a middle ground. This is why it ultimately is not going to work for you as a couple. She wrote her feelings on a piece of paper because she can't communicate with you directly for some reason. She is not capable of seeing your perspective as you are unable to see her's.

 

Just call it a day, take it as a lesson learned, and move on. See it as a step towards better relationship dynamics to be able - next time - how to open up and be more communicative without making the assumptions of; "Well, this is how *I* would be in this situation, so everyone should act that way."

[DramaInPajamas]

But it's weird it's like this,

 

Just the other week she was saying she wants me here all the time and that I should move in soon and she was talking about kids in the future.

 

Now I ruin her birthday and she doesn't want this anymore.

 

Well actually it's not said like she doesn't want it. It's said like I've put her in a difficult position and it's left her no choice really.

 

Well hang around then but dont be surprised the next time this happens or the next time or the next time.

 

She wants to move in, she wants kids, you ruined her birthday.

 

what do you want? all you talk about is what she wants.

[BaileyB]

If she acts like that, why do you want to be with her?

 

It's beyond me...

 

Did she bruise your ego? Do you need to be "right?"

 

Why would you want to put yourself in a position to be treated so badly. You have a lot of thinking to do, and not necessarily about her and where the relationship went wrong. IMO, you should think about what you want, how you behaved to contribute to the situation, and why you put up with this.

[Howyoulikeme]

She's not usually like this.

 

I just want things to go back to the way they were.

 

Suppose it's all my fault and I caused the whole thing myself.

 

Even if I said that, I don't think she's prepared to listen.

 

I'm still sitting here waiting for her to get back because I wanna express myself face to face.

 

I have my own house but if I go back there, I'm just gonna be sitting in silence staring at the walls

[BaileyB]

She's shown you who she is... Believe it.

 

Why are you giving her all the control/power in the relationship?

 

If you talk with her and "work it out," I would assume that this will happen again. And, if you stay with her, you deserve what you get... A lifetime of bad communication and power struggles.

 

But, you will need to figure that out on your own... The question is, how long will it take?

[Howyoulikeme]

Who is she though?

 

I can't help but think this is totally my fault