Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I don't actually believe the OP's take on any of this. Here's way: -He is so obsessed with his way of doing things, that he considers anything different to be unacceptable and a sign of them not having his superior intelligence and insight -He is so obsessed with being the centre of his girlfriend's attention at all times, that he considers any time that's not the case to be a sign of her lack of care -He is prone to abuse, passive aggression and hostility Based on all of these factors, I'm inclined to think he paints himself as the victim in any situation in life where he didn't get the outcome of his choosing. Nothing in his posts is objective. Everyone else slighted him. Everyone else is aggressive. Everyone else has no idea how to treat guests. No I get what you're saying. I'm really not trying to be a victim. In her eyes, I should've tried to be involved more. In my eyes she should've included me more. There's no right or wrong. The brother in law had no right to chime in. It's not like I'm beating her. I huffed her because I was sulky. I shouldn't have been sulky. I apologised for that. If anyone in my family acted like that, they'd be told to sit the **** down.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 How else would I articulate that? I'm not saying I'm not at fault. Help me out "I felt threatened by your brother-in-law, and here is what happened: XYZ. I would really appreciate your support in this." I'm not saying you're wrong about him, for what it's worth. He sounds like a piece of work. I just believe you could have communicated that more maturely to your girlfriend.
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 No I get what you're saying. I'm really not trying to be a victim. In her eyes, I should've tried to be involved more. In my eyes she should've included me more. There's no right or wrong. The brother in law had no right to chime in. It's not like I'm beating her. I huffed her because I was sulky. I shouldn't have been sulky. I apologised for that. If anyone in my family acted like that, they'd be told to sit the **** down. It was her birthday. She celebrates her birthday 1 day per year. Your behaviour was not acceptable and was ruining her evening, causing her stress. You were spoiling everyone's evening by being sullen and needy, rather than mingling and being fun. Tempers are going to flare against you in such a situation, because you ruined the 1 day per year that is supposed to be about a celebration of her, which was bound to irritate the others in attendance, wasn't it? Without getting into whether how he conveyed his dismay at your behaviour, you cannot be at all susprised that someone spoke out about you and what you were doing.
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 It was her birthday. She celebrates her birthday 1 day per year. Your behaviour was not acceptable and was ruining her evening, causing her stress. You were spoiling everyone's evening by being sullen and needy, rather than mingling and being fun. Tempers are going to flare against you in such a situation, because you ruined the 1 day per year that is supposed to be about a celebration of her, which was bound to irritate the others in attendance, wasn't it? Without getting into whether how he conveyed his dismay at your behaviour, you cannot be at all susprised that someone spoke out about you and what you were doing. I understand what you're saying. We kinda resolved it and she said tell your friends to come by if they're in the city. so I told them to come by. Then she must have looked upset when I was talking to them. Then the brother in law actually made it worse by kicking up a fuss. Then totally played it up and kept saying things to her like I'm gonna make you have a great birthday even if that Arsehole is ruining it for you. Her friends and sister were still chatting away. The thing about posting on these forums is I could just look at all the posts that agree with what I'm saying and disregard the posts that don't. But I appreciate what you're saying. If I gave a **** about my girlfriend I should've just sat back and enjoyed watching her have a great time. So maybe I don't care about her as much as I thought I did.
kendahke Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Dump her. She's more trouble than she's worth. Seriously. I'd have ditched her right then and there and gone with my friends. Find someone else who has a better grasp of social skills. This one is a dud. 2
SammySammy Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Dude, don't let these people tell you that you ruined her birthday. I hate people who blame how they feel on others. It's just as easy to say she ruined your evening by treating you like a third wheel. You don't have to tolerate her crap just because it's her birthday. Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame, maybe everybody involved could consider this a lesson learned and be more sociable to everyone in the group in the future. That's the solution to the problem. Everybody be more considerate. Rather than running around like children pouting and placing blame on others for their fragile feelings. 7
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I understand what you're saying. We kinda resolved it and she said tell your friends to come by if they're in the city. so I told them to come by. Then she must have looked upset when I was talking to them. Then the brother in law actually made it worse by kicking up a fuss. Then totally played it up and kept saying things to her like I'm gonna make you have a great birthday even if that Arsehole is ruining it for you. Her friends and sister were still chatting away. The thing about posting on these forums is I could just look at all the posts that agree with what I'm saying and disregard the posts that don't. But I appreciate what you're saying. If I gave a **** about my girlfriend I should've just sat back and enjoyed watching her have a great time. So maybe I don't care about her as much as I thought I did. I would imagine you were invited to bring friends, with the idea that they'd mingle with the other parties in attendance, not just stand on the side awkwardly. What benefit is that to anyone? It just isolates you even further from the group and your girlfriend. You should have introduced each of them to everyone else. That's what this all boils down to - you don't realise that you are obliged to mingle in such a situation. You are invited to such an event with the expectation that you'll contribute to the group.
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I don't like the idea that I ruined anything. Things are only ruined if you let them be. I actually wasn't invited to bring friends. Then when she heard they were in town, she said see if they wanna come along. They came along and she said go see them. If been talking to them for literally 5 mins and that guy came bawling across. She then said to me afterwards. I didn't even want your friends there, I can't believe you invited them to my birthday. I was like eh? You told me to tell them to come and she said well either way you've ruined my birthday and my whole weekend.
ChatroomHero Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 -He is so obsessed with his way of doing things, that he considers anything different to be unacceptable and a sign of them not having his superior intelligence and insight He has explained one situation where he was left out and felt left out. I have been out with friends and gfs and their friends, and been left out before. It's not his way of doing things, it's a polite thing to do to include your SO. He wasn't complaining, just not having a lot of fun. When I take a new gf around family and friends, I am there with her first and foremost and out of respect, make a bigger than normal effort to include her in inside conversations and jokes. It's not her fault if she can't think of things to add to a conversation that she likely has no background on. It's not her fault if she doesn't like the people and has nothing in common, it's not her obligation to enjoy their company. The whole birthday crap is childish too. An adult's birthday is not a "special, amazing day". She is not 8 years old. You're not amazing and special because you have a birthday. The princess of the ball treatment is for children under 12. After that you are just another ahole that survived one more year like everyone else in the world. -He is so obsessed with being the centre of his girlfriend's attention at all times, that he considers any time that's not the case to be a sign of her lack of care Where is this from? Would you seriously even consider hanging out with someone like his BIL and trying to interact with garbage like that, and still respect yourself? One situation where he felt like a 3rd wheel, went along with it until the gf asked him about it and he said he felt left out. "At all times..."? Doesn't seem very valid from what has been posted. Does BIL sound like someone anyone outside the circle could (or should) try to get along with? -He is prone to abuse, passive aggression and hostility Ummm, he told her he was threatened and didn't appreciate her not believing him and telling him to be with her he needs to hang out and hope not to get sucker punched sometime by an abusive assh*t. If my gf disrespected me like that because she felt I wasn't super enthused about hanging out with someone like that, that is unacceptable. I guarantee she knows how her BIL is. I guarantee she knows he is a hothead. I guarantee despite what she says, she knows Johhny Toughguy more likely than not was threatening and aggressive to OP. More than likely she knows he went over to him to talk to him and knows he was aggressive and threatening. I guarantee she has seen him want to fight people at every occasion for no real reason in the past, that's how those people operate. Funny how she is ok subjecting OP to that in social settings and expecting him to pretend to like it. That hostility and aggressiveness is ok, but OP makes a normal comment because he is pissed and you diagnose him as passive aggressive and hostile based on one statement. Real people do argue. Real people that were threatened and have their SO poo-poo it do get mad and do say things like, "Thanks for having my back". It's not passive-aggressive, it's aggressive and should be because his gf is totally ok with a guy she knows is a POS hothead that treats people awfully threatening OP and the makes her a turd. OP- Your gf is a turd. We pass turds, we don't date them. Move on. 6
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I don't like the idea that I ruined anything. Things are only ruined if you let them be. I actually wasn't invited to bring friends. Then when she heard they were in town, she said see if they wanna come along. They came along and she said go see them. If been talking to them for literally 5 mins and that guy came bawling across. She then said to me afterwards. I didn't even want your friends there, I can't believe you invited them to my birthday. I was like eh? You told me to tell them to come and she said well either way you've ruined my birthday and my whole weekend. Do you understand that, at that point, she was already pissed off with your behaviour? Had you previously been active with the group and participating in conversation with the attendees, she would have looked at this in a different light. Generally, I don't know why you'd even have waited 5 min's to introduce them. It's much easier to introduce people before you've started a conversation with them, isn't it? It seems polite to introduce them as soon as they arrive.
ChatroomHero Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I don't like the idea that I ruined anything. Things are only ruined if you let them be. I actually wasn't invited to bring friends. Then when she heard they were in town, she said see if they wanna come along. They came along and she said go see them. If been talking to them for literally 5 mins and that guy came bawling across. She then said to me afterwards. I didn't even want your friends there, I can't believe you invited them to my birthday. I was like eh? You told me to tell them to come and she said well either way you've ruined my birthday and my whole weekend. OP-if this is true, your gf is setting you up. She is picking a fight. There is something deeper and she was looking for, and then creating, a reason to make you the bad guy. Bail. 5
ChatroomHero Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Do you understand that, at that point, she was already pissed off with your behaviour? So she was being passive aggressive telling him to invite his friends, right? I think the difference on our opinion roots from the fact that you believe he was not being left out by her circle of friends and making no effort to be included. I believe he was being left out despite trying to include himself. Seriously, I have been there before. You can try so long before you realize you are being excluded. I know what OP is saying too when he says he was content to be in the background, which he was. You can only try to interject so many times and have people turn back to their conversation where you are at the point of becoming annoying. OP tried to include himself and they didn't allow him to be. They have to allow him to be included, he can't just include himself. 3
SammySammy Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I don't like the idea that I ruined anything. Things are only ruined if you let them be. I actually wasn't invited to bring friends. Then when she heard they were in town, she said see if they wanna come along. They came along and she said go see them. If been talking to them for literally 5 mins and that guy came bawling across. She then said to me afterwards. I didn't even want your friends there, I can't believe you invited them to my birthday. I was like eh? You told me to tell them to come and she said well either way you've ruined my birthday and my whole weekend. You didn't ruin anything. Don't accept that for one second. This girl's social skills are lacking. Relationship skills are lacking. You don't invite someone to a social event, ignore them and then get mad when they spend time socializing with someone else. Blame them for "ruining" your birthday. If anything, she ruined her birthday and entire weekend. Along with her idiot brother-in-law. 6
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 She said word for word, I can't be speaking to you all the time. If I'm speaking to my friends I can't see why you can't just enjoy that I'm having a good time. So of course I feel like an arsehole because I made a comment that turned into a fuss. She's due home soon and we're gonna talk about it but she's basically said, if I'm prepared to never be around that guy again, then she can't be in this relationship.
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 She said word for word, I can't be speaking to you all the time. If I'm speaking to my friends I can't see why you can't just enjoy that I'm having a good time. So of course I feel like an arsehole because I made a comment that turned into a fuss. She's due home soon and we're gonna talk about it but she's basically said, if I'm prepared to never be around that guy again, then she can't be in this relationship. Just get rid. Its that simple. You have had some very old and wise posters tell you this. You have your validation to do it so go for it. Anyone can see that the pair of you are just a really bad match. Find someone who is a better match for you and then you will not have these dramas. 2
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 She said word for word, I can't be speaking to you all the time. If I'm speaking to my friends I can't see why you can't just enjoy that I'm having a good time. So of course I feel like an arsehole because I made a comment that turned into a fuss. She's due home soon and we're gonna talk about it but she's basically said, if I'm prepared to never be around that guy again, then she can't be in this relationship. She's right. Regardless of how he showed his dismay to you, and whether the method was right or wrong, he was pissed off (as was everyone else) at your behaviour. He was, rightfully, objecting to how you were treating her. His intentions were correct, even if his method of conveying them to you was inappropriate. You're taking great offence to what he did, without understanding that your behaviour caused his hostility. For you to then tell her you won't be in his company ever again is ridiculous. It also puts her in a really difficult position (because she wants to be in his company and have her boyfriend at family events where he'll be in attendance). You objecting to him shows her how little you understand about how wrong your own behaviour was.
kendahke Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I don't like the idea that I ruined anything. Things are only ruined if you let them be. I actually wasn't invited to bring friends. Then when she heard they were in town, she said see if they wanna come along. They came along and she said go see them. If been talking to them for literally 5 mins and that guy came bawling across. She then said to me afterwards. I didn't even want your friends there, I can't believe you invited them to my birthday. I was like eh? You told me to tell them to come and she said well either way you've ruined my birthday and my whole weekend. Does she normally pick apart your behavior and make herself out to be the victim? Her BIL's behavior is so over the top for something that happened just this evening. His action point to her having complained to her sister and him about it previously--enough to where her BIL wanted to beat you up in the bar (mature much?) Seriously--dump her. There really are more mature women out there. 3
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 There's never an excuse for being hostile. That's like saying I punched him cos he deserved it. She's said to me many times oh he's great, he looks out for me. He makes sure I don't have guys who treat me bad. I said well he could become a great hinder to your relationships
ChatroomHero Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 She's right. Regardless of how he showed his dismay to you, and whether the method was right or wrong, he was pissed off (as was everyone else) at your behaviour. He was, rightfully, objecting to how you were treating her. His intentions were correct, even if his method of conveying them to you was inappropriate. You're taking great offence to what he did, without understanding that your behaviour caused his hostility. For you to then tell her you won't be in his company ever again is ridiculous. It also puts her in a really difficult position (because she wants to be in his company and have her boyfriend at family events where he'll be in attendance). You objecting to him shows her how little you understand about how wrong your own behaviour was. So if OPs gf does something to upset him, one of his friends can threaten to fight her and she should just accept that and OP should support his friend? Really? It was none of her BILs business. "Regardless" nothing, BILs behavior was 1 billion % unacceptable and if she condones that, she is as much of a turd as BIL. OP did not put her in a difficult position, BIL did. A normal, sane, adjusted person that OP should be around does not behave that way. A turd like BIL should not be someone he has to be subjected to. OP did not beat her. He did not threaten to hit her. He was not in a good mood because he was being ignored by his partner, the one person he knew and wanted to be with. "I can't be speaking to you all the time. If I'm speaking to my friends I can't see why you can't just enjoy that I'm having a good time." GF admits that she was ignoring him in favor of her friends and that he should have a good time with strangers that are aggressive and immature at best, threatening and belligerent while drink as well. When I go out with my gf and friends, guess what? She has elevated status with me amongst my friends. He said he was not causing an issue, just retreated to being content to being ignored. It was the gf that wanted him to "pretend" to have fun with strangers, one of which is a major POS. I still don't understand what you think that he did that was so wrong to be physically threatened, not have a good time in the company of strangers and a massive loser? You condone threatening to beat people up when they are out with their gf and not having fun? When you go out with friends of yours and a couple has a disagreement, do you pull one aside and tell them you are going to kick their ass? Come on, get real. 2
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 There's never an excuse for being hostile. That's like saying I punched him cos he deserved it. She's said to me many times oh he's great, he looks out for me. He makes sure I don't have guys who treat me bad. I said well he could become a great hinder to your relationships Who are you replying to? You were hostile. You were moody and sullen at a birthday party for your girlfriend. You were hostile when you used passive aggression against your girlfriend. I don't see how you can ever have a decent relationship. You don't seem to be able to look at anything objectively and find fault in your own conduct. Everyone else is to blame in your model. Your behaviour is exemplary blah blah blah. You just cannot see that, had you not been difficult, rude and needy, none of these other problems would have arisen. You started this whole mess.
TXGuy Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 -He is so obsessed with his way of doing things, that he considers anything different to be unacceptable and a sign of them not having his superior intelligence and insight He has explained one situation where he was left out and felt left out. I have been out with friends and gfs and their friends, and been left out before. It's not his way of doing things, it's a polite thing to do to include your SO. He wasn't complaining, just not having a lot of fun. When I take a new gf around family and friends, I am there with her first and foremost and out of respect, make a bigger than normal effort to include her in inside conversations and jokes. It's not her fault if she can't think of things to add to a conversation that she likely has no background on. It's not her fault if she doesn't like the people and has nothing in common, it's not her obligation to enjoy their company. The whole birthday crap is childish too. An adult's birthday is not a "special, amazing day". She is not 8 years old. You're not amazing and special because you have a birthday. The princess of the ball treatment is for children under 12. After that you are just another ahole that survived one more year like everyone else in the world. -He is so obsessed with being the centre of his girlfriend's attention at all times, that he considers any time that's not the case to be a sign of her lack of care Where is this from? Would you seriously even consider hanging out with someone like his BIL and trying to interact with garbage like that, and still respect yourself? One situation where he felt like a 3rd wheel, went along with it until the gf asked him about it and he said he felt left out. "At all times..."? Doesn't seem very valid from what has been posted. Does BIL sound like someone anyone outside the circle could (or should) try to get along with? -He is prone to abuse, passive aggression and hostility Ummm, he told her he was threatened and didn't appreciate her not believing him and telling him to be with her he needs to hang out and hope not to get sucker punched sometime by an abusive assh*t. If my gf disrespected me like that because she felt I wasn't super enthused about hanging out with someone like that, that is unacceptable. I guarantee she knows how her BIL is. I guarantee she knows he is a hothead. I guarantee despite what she says, she knows Johhny Toughguy more likely than not was threatening and aggressive to OP. More than likely she knows he went over to him to talk to him and knows he was aggressive and threatening. I guarantee she has seen him want to fight people at every occasion for no real reason in the past, that's how those people operate. Funny how she is ok subjecting OP to that in social settings and expecting him to pretend to like it. That hostility and aggressiveness is ok, but OP makes a normal comment because he is pissed and you diagnose him as passive aggressive and hostile based on one statement. Real people do argue. Real people that were threatened and have their SO poo-poo it do get mad and do say things like, "Thanks for having my back". It's not passive-aggressive, it's aggressive and should be because his gf is totally ok with a guy she knows is a POS hothead that treats people awfully threatening OP and the makes her a turd. OP- Your gf is a turd. We pass turds, we don't date them. Move on. Very well said. That was more articulate and much cleaner than my version. absent an apology from your gf, your gf and her family's behavior would be a dealbreaker for most guys with any self respect. The fact that she basically told you to deal with it or your relationship with her has no future should really be the last straw for you. No one should have to tolerate that. The fact that you seem to be accepting of this behavior is troubling. You do not want to be part of this family. You will always be their whipping boy. 1
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Life is too short. Of course, when you go out with your girlfriend and her friends for her birthday, you can expect the attention to be on her and that you might feel left out. It's up to you, to be mature enough to deal with this and let her have a nice evening. It's up to her, to be considerate of your feelings. And it doesn't sound like that happened. Her brother-in-law's behavior, as described, is unacceptable. If you told her that you felt threatened and she did nothing, that's an unacceptable response from her. The question is, does how she makes you feel and the possibility of future family functions with this brother-in-law make you want to sign on for more? Or, is there more to life than this? For me, life is too short than to deal with these kinds of problems. I chose people to be in my life who contribute positively, not create drama and problems. I would be looking for something better. But, that's just me. Edited August 16, 2016 by BaileyB 1
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I'm just totally unsure how to pursue this. I also don't understand how I was hostile. I don't think being in a sulk is hostile.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I havent read the whole thread but I would consider ending it. I have had a couple of bfs like this. Meet their friends and family for the first time, make very little effort to integrate me into the discussions they have. Talk about things and people I have no knowledge of and I have no opportunity to join in, swan off with their friends and leave me trailing behind feeling really uncomfortable and then later on I got the blame for not making any effort with them. However, when I took them out with my friends, they could not have been nicer to them. Making every effort to ensure they feel included. When there is an outsider among family and friends who have known each other for years, the onus is on the group to make that person feel welcome. I wish I had ended it with those guys. 2
DramaInPajamas Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I'm just totally unsure how to pursue this. I also don't understand how I was hostile. I don't think being in a sulk is hostile. Yes it is hostile. It is a passive aggressive way to be hostile but it is hostile nonetheless. 1
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