I'm reeling, I'll never get over this

[eclecticsw]

Oh wow, posted a long reply but it never posted. Let mee see if I remember everything I wrote. I feel like breaking NC and emailing him to ask why? Why did you do this to me?

Sunkissedpatio, thank you for your response. Honestly I don't think he'll come back. He's too much of a coward to face me. He had trouble facing me when I told him that I deserved to be told to my face why he did this. He'll hide in his new relationship until that fizzles away, if ever. Do i want him to contact me? I'm not going to lie, yes. I'm the BIGGEST FOOL on earth for missing him but I do. But I don't think I would take him back, too many lies, too many deceptions.

I want him to call but for what? He's not going to change his answers. He's not going to tell me anything new and even if he did, do i want to hear it? I got a call from a weird number today but i doubt it's him. He's not the type to do that.

He left his email open on my iPad and i keep checking it to see if he's responded to the questions his sister has asked, which are basically MY questions 'who is this girl? Did you think this through? This isn't like you, why did you do this to Cristy, this is your first child!' Those are my questions. I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

[eclecticsw]

I emailed my ex asking to explain how he could cheat on me? Asking how me could move on with his life and forget me and the baby? If i ever meant anything to him. I feel like an idiot.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I TOTALLY know how and what you are feeling. The questions will be endless, you can read about my trajectory from finding out to confronting him by clicking on my past threads but basically mine was also too much of a coward to level with me when I did confront him by email his response was "so are you going to pay for those outstanding bills I covered or what? They are your bills after all." This was in reference to OUR bills that were ere withdrawn after he moved out but pertained to when we were still living together.

 

This was from a man that was so generous he would give me his last bite off his plate even if he were starving if it meant it could potentially make me happy. I had never seen such a callous and shut down side to him. This was the same man that was so attentive an straight-laced and had me convinced he was the LAST man to ever walk this earth who would never and had no desire to ever cheat on anyone regardless of the circumstance, let alone me.

 

We had long in depth discussions on infidelity many times over the years, the pain he went through when his ex-wife cheated on him the long time it took him to recover, the fact that he simply did not have it in him to cheat as "he was not wired this way"

 

All those notions that I believed to be the truth and my existential facts from being with this man for 4.5 years erased in one moment and hit in the face with an ice cold bucket of water that left me so mentally paralyzed I felt like I was losing my mind in those early weeks. I came on here looking for answers feeling like if anyone could shed some light into what could possibly drive a man to be so conniving, so two-faced, SUCH an immense liar and the fact is eclecticsw that the only answer that you will eventually land on is that these men are selfish cowards. They are liars and fickle with ultimately very shallow characters contrary to what they "said they were".They led us on and are incapable facing the truth even as a parting redemption scrap they can toss our way for all the pain they caused us.

 

You will have a lot of questions you will want to know why and when and how this could be. And I will ask you what my therapist asked me very early on:

"even if you had the chance to get answers directly from him, do you think you can trust his answers after all the lies he has made?" I know I wouldn't have in my situation, asking him would get me nowhere and asking others is even less futile so you are left with trying to make sense of it all in your own head..

 

But if you feel you can trust his answers then you should reach out to him and get the answers you need if you feel that will help you move along.

 

You will get a lot of great feedback and support on this forum there are some magnificent people who are caring, and knowledgable and have enough experience and have lived through similar situations and pain that they offer true words of comfort and will have your best interest in mind. Having said that the overall consensus in this break up section is "go strict NC" but I do feel that sometimes people do need to do what they need to in those early stages. If you feel that you can trust his answers and it will help you move on then by all means ask him what you need to, he owes you that much, you were engaged and are having his child.

 

As per him being to cowardly to come back to you well that may be so now since he is all preoccupied with his new crush but when and if that doesn't pan out and if he does regret what he did his need to want to be with you will outweigh his need to save face. People with narcissistic tendencies want to feel good and they will do it at any cost.

 

you must be guarding your iPad with your life making sure the page doesn't shut down or refresh and logs you out of the account....I know I would have wanted that kind of access if I could have. Not knowing is way WAY worse than knowing horribly disappointing things.

[JewelD]

Don't feel that way, lots of people break NC at least once. Sometimes it can be a good thing because that person may respond in a way that makes you remember why you wanted to be done with them. Just get back on track and keep going with it.

[ChickiePops]

Yeah he's really pining for you while he screws his new girlfriend...what a schmuck!

 

If you have the baby you can't give it up for adoption without his permission, and I truly hope you wouldn't give it to your ex and abandon it..it's not the baby's fault he cheated.

[eclecticsw]

So although I broke no contact, i actually feel better. We went back and forth about the baby, he said he wants to raise the baby on his own with whomever he's with at the time and i told him to think about it because there were several practical factors to take into consideration. It ended with me telling him that in the end this was my sole decision and that i was going to go to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my options so then he says 'I'll miss out on the opportunity to be a father but I deserve it for having hurt you' . I FLIPPED and let him have it. I wrote: "Are you playing the victim? Really?!?! You wrote this chapter, you screwed up, and don't think for one minute that I believe your professions of guilt and regret. You lied until the end and you're lying now. This entire relationship was one huge lie. The last time we spoke in person you said to me 'that baby is the fruit of our love' and I almost laughed in your face. This baby is the product of half an hour of pleasure in bed. You already had one foot out the door when this baby was conceived but you were too much of a coward to be honest with me and leave before the baby was conceived. I've lost all respect for you. The dirt I walk on is more worthy than you. Instead of walking out of this relationship with the truth you walked out with your tail between your legs followed by lies and deception. You destroyed many things but you didn't destroy me. You left behind many questions, many doubts but I've purged myself of you. In short time you killed the feelings I had for you and THANK YOU because now i feel free from this lie that lasted one and a half years. Now, I only feel pity for you, pity that you were more of a coward than I previously thought"

[spiderowl]

I emailed my ex asking to explain how he could cheat on me? Asking how me could move on with his life and forget me and the baby? If i ever meant anything to him. I feel like an idiot.

 

There is nothing wrong in seeking answers but even if he replies you may not get one that makes sense. Sometimes what people do just does not make sense. It doesn't make sense to them. The way he gave up so quickly suggests he knows you won't tolerate him messing around and he sounds scared. He sounds a weak-willed man who is going to go for the next interesting thing and then not face the music when caught out.

 

Has he got a history of this kind of behaviour? Is there anyone who could tell about previous relationships? Knowing there is a pattern might help you to work out what to do next. It is a horrendous jolt though. He is the one who is not loving enough or faithful enough. At least you can look at yourself and know that you are the decent one who was true to him and who knows what love means.

[eclecticsw]

There is nothing wrong in seeking answers but even if he replies you may not get one that makes sense. Sometimes what people do just does not make sense. It doesn't make sense to them. The way he gave up so quickly suggests he knows you won't tolerate him messing around and he sounds scared. He sounds a weak-willed man who is going to go for the next interesting thing and then not face the music when caught out.

 

Has he got a history of this kind of behaviour? Is there anyone who could tell about previous relationships? Knowing there is a pattern might help you to work out what to do next. It is a horrendous jolt though. He is the one who is not loving enough or faithful enough. At least you can look at yourself and know that you are the decent one who was true to him and who knows what love means.

 

Spiderowl theres only ONE red flag that I remember now in hindsight. He had an eight year relationship that he left the same exact way, by starting to talk to another woman at his job. The woman he left begged and pleaded for him to come back, something I didnt do and in no way would do. He's moved on and I'm ready to do the same.

I didn't get the answers as he wrote 'I don't know why i did what i did but please know that i loved you very, very much. All lies, in my opinion. I've accepted that.

[Redhead14]

So although I broke no contact, i actually feel better. We went back and forth about the baby, he said he wants to raise the baby on his own with whomever he's with at the time and i told him to think about it because there were several practical factors to take into consideration. It ended with me telling him that in the end this was my sole decision and that i was going to go to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my options so then he says 'I'll miss out on the opportunity to be a father but I deserve it for having hurt you' . I FLIPPED and let him have it. I wrote: "Are you playing the victim? Really?!?! You wrote this chapter, you screwed up, and don't think for one minute that I believe your professions of guilt and regret. You lied until the end and you're lying now. This entire relationship was one huge lie. The last time we spoke in person you said to me 'that baby is the fruit of our love' and I almost laughed in your face. This baby is the product of half an hour of pleasure in bed. You already had one foot out the door when this baby was conceived but you were too much of a coward to be honest with me and leave before the baby was conceived. I've lost all respect for you. The dirt I walk on is more worthy than you. Instead of walking out of this relationship with the truth you walked out with your tail between your legs followed by lies and deception. You destroyed many things but you didn't destroy me. You left behind many questions, many doubts but I've purged myself of you. In short time you killed the feelings I had for you and THANK YOU because now i feel free from this lie that lasted one and a half years. Now, I only feel pity for you, pity that you were more of a coward than I previously thought"

 

If you're going to break no contact, make it hurt by leaving a shoe in his rear end Good work.

[eclecticsw]

If you're going to break no contact, make it hurt by leaving a shoe in his rear end Good work.

 

Redhead14, so you think what I wrote to him was good? I need to hear it because I feel vindicated in having written that. I feel like I pulled him out of me by the roots. I'm still sometimes plagued with doubts about myself as a woman, as a partner. Mind you, I'm a former therapist, and 'heal thyself' doesn't work too well when you're dealing with the issues, although logically I realize that it wasn't me, it was him.

[stillafool]

Spiderowl theres only ONE red flag that I remember now in hindsight. He had an eight year relationship that he left the same exact way, by starting to talk to another woman at his job. The woman he left begged and pleaded for him to come back, something I didnt do and in no way would do. He's moved on and I'm ready to do the same.

I didn't get the answers as he wrote 'I don't know why i did what i did but please know that i loved you very, very much. All lies, in my opinion. I've accepted that.

 

Do you now feel like you've got your closure?

[eclecticsw]

Do you now feel like you've got your closure?

 

Yes and no. Yes, because I gave it to him with both barrels. No, because I'll never know why he did what he did. Why didn't he just leave like we had discussed so many times in the past. I just have to move on and stop wondering why it happened. Only he knows.

[eclecticsw]

Ugh, since I have access to his email account i found a pcture of him and her taken last night. At first, i was shocked, then i felt anger which reinforced my resolve to never speak to him again.

[craigyboy01]

sorry to hear about your break the worst thing u can do is torture yourself with if and buts as the truth is nothing would have changed it. it's a hard thing to hear but maybe you rushed into things and never really knew each other. I split with a girl I was seeing eight weeks ago was only seeing here for three months but we got on so well and made it official after two wks. big mistake but at the time was what we bothe wanted we didn't know each other and although when we was together was perfect when we wasn't we argue led. little things started to show on both sides and was to much so we both split I was ok with it as a year ago I split from girl of eight years lost my house and was are first rough patch. you will get over trust me if you see my post about break up you will see the difference as time passes. yeah it certainly changes your veiws but that feeling goes I still think about ex of eight years everyday but I don't love her and it doesn't hurt anymore. your find someone else and no it won't be the same but with girl I dated for two months now see it can be better we birth agreed were not for each other and I'm a stronger person from my long term split. you will get there I promise just try not to obsess over what you could have done differently as it wasn't you that caused it. hope this helps and hope you find happiness soon. good luck. one main thing I'm sure everyone will agree with is don't contact him why should u be chasing him? it's one of the hardest things and seems impossible but you have to just try to stop caring and forget him all that will happen if you keep in contact is everyword u hear will hurt you more and more and stop u moving on which is what you must do. I'm sure you feel you deserve answers and your probley right but trust me you won't get them. good luck. x

Edited August 19, 2016 by craigyboy01

[preraph]

He may have wanted a child, but he didn't want the monogamy and responsibility that comes with it. As long as he could still date and have a chile, he was down for it, apparently. If you have the child, you make him take joint custody so you're not the only one with a 24/7 schedule. That way you can work and he can have the child half the time and that gives you an easier life and opens the door to a new relationship. Otherwise, you'll just be too busy and be dependent on him for the payments, which are not enough by any means. make him to his part.

[Blanco]

Ugh, since I have access to his email account i found a pcture of him and her taken last night. At first, i was shocked, then i felt anger which reinforced my resolve to never speak to him again.

 

Why are you invading his privacy?

[eclecticsw]

He may have wanted a child, but he didn't want the monogamy and responsibility that comes with it. As long as he could still date and have a chile, he was down for it, apparently. If you have the child, you make him take joint custody so you're not the only one with a 24/7 schedule. That way you can work and he can have the child half the time and that gives you an easier life and opens the door to a new relationship. Otherwise, you'll just be too busy and be dependent on him for the payments, which are not enough by any means. make him to his part.

 

Well, I've made the decison to not have the child. For reasons I can't go into, even 50/50 custody would be overwhelming. I already have a 7 1/2 year old daughter and it's not easy. I don't want any link to him whatsoever, much less a lifetime link. He got off scot free

[eclecticsw]

Why are you invading his privacy?

 

He left it open on my Ipad. No excuse and i logged off tonight because I'm only creating more heartache by doing that, plus I need to move on, let him live his life, so I can move on with mine. Yes, what I did was horrible and immature but at least I got some answers.

[maryquitecontrary]

I went through the same thing minus the pregnancy a year and a half ago. He was my deepest love. We were discussing marriage and family and then I found his texts to a married coworker he said he was just friends with. I couldn't figure out why he did it-- he said it wasn't anything I did wrong.

 

He kicked me off his fb friends list and kept her as his friend and probably more than that. I realized through fb sleuthing that she had blocked me from her husband's fb even though I had never made any threat of telling her husband she was a cheater. All I ever texted her was that I had been his girlfriend until I found out he was cheating on me and good luck with him. I said, "Aren't you married anyway?"

 

The cheating wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that he blocked me from every means of communication and blocked my whole family also. So I had no closure and no explanation for why he wouldn't be in my life anymore. I was beyond devastated. To me it meant that I had never meant anything at all to him and that's what hurt the most. I actually wished he had begged for forgiveness and begged me to take him back, but he didn't which meant he just didn't want me.

 

It's been a year and a half since then. He still has me blocked and has never made any contact other than a few months ago I asked him for some quick financial advice because he was a specialist. I had emailed him a business-type question and he responded in a professional manner without mentioning anything personal. So I know he at least gets my emails. In the beginning I had sent a few begging to talk to him, occasionally belittling him for being a coward and taking out my anger on him, but he never answered.

 

I wish I could say I got over him in a few months, but that wasn't the case. It took me a year to stop thinking about him daily and to feel like I truly don't care anymore. It also took me falling for someone else. I don't have the other guy anymore, but he was a stepping stone to finally being okay with losing the love of my life. I think that once you have your baby you won't have time to think about him anymore and he/she will fill that hole in your heart. Concentrate on that for now.

[eclecticsw]

So, to make a long story short, I spoke to my ex on the phone. We discussed the pregnancy (don't want to talk about that) and the relationship. He basically admitted that he never loved me, cared for me but never loved me. At that point everything fell into place. He left once he got a better job, he was waiting cor something better to come along, which he says he thinks he's falling in love with her. I told him 'you barely know her' but whatever. Regardless, he used me for a place to stay, comfort, sex of course, and whatever else he could get out of me. He didn't say these things, I'm concluding them from what he said. Regardless, I feel relieved. Relieved to know the truth, that it wasn't me, that it was always him, and that everything you do in this life comes back to you two fold. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. I actually feel free.

[Robert]

moderator bump, update post was held in queue.