orangetree Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Hi, So after ending my last relationship this past January, I need some advice. My story is a bit messy but I hope you guys can give me some nonjudgmental advice. So, after I (28) broke up with my ex of four years this past January, I didn't want to date anyone. I was still in love with him and couldn't even imagine to be with another guy. I met this guy (30) in February, a friend of a friend, and he fell for me pretty quickly. I liked him a lot too, but I did not see myself falling in love with him. Not sure why- Maybe because I was still hung up on my ex, or maybe because I just thought I didn't want him. After knowing each other for a couple of weeks, we kissed one night when we were drinking. He then started to ask me out and I always turned him down, even though we always has this amazing connection. Even my friends told me that our chemistry is undeniable. Over the next few weeks, we made out sometimes again. I mean we are all in the same group of friends and hang out all the time, so it just kept happening. We never had sex though. I just didn't want to have sex, at that time I couldn't even imagine to sleep with another man than my ex. So that guy always made clear how much he liked me, but he still kept seeing other girls which was completely fine since I never even hooked up with him. So, the last time we kissed was a couple of weeks ago. Then, a couple of weeks ago, a new guy started hanging out with our group of friends, a guy I knew from before (briefly) but who lived abroad for a couple of months. He's also a friend of that guy I'm talking about. I liked him he's smart and funny, but really not my type (unlike the other guy). Then, one evening 1.5 weeks ago, we were all together drinking at a festival and him and I suddenly lost everyone. I did not see that coming, but after we had a couple of drinks he kissed me, and suddenly it all went from there. We had sex at his place later, and also the next day, and last week as well. In total 4 times. I'm not even sure why I did it. Probably because I haven't had sex in six months, and because I did like him. I just don't see myself falling for him, even though I enjoy his company. To me, it's just fun. He on the other hand seems to start really liking me. I can tell, and he actually told a friend of mine that he does. So, this is where my problem starts. This past weekend, we were all hanging out again and I was talking for a long time to the guy I talked about before, the guy I kissed a couple of times and who has been trying to get me ever since we met. This time, we talked about serious stuff and I realized we click on both levels, in a funny way and a serious way. It was almost like a slap in my face, when I realized- I think I have a crush on him. I was really thinking 'God, I've been liking him all this time but never really admitted it, even to myself', probably because finally I moved on from my ex and I'm ready to see someone new. These past two days I've been thinking about him a lot, and I caught myself staring at him when we were hanging out as a group yesterday. Last night we talked on WhatsApp for like two hours. He still wants me. He's really into me. But he doesn't know that I have been having sex with that other guy from our group, the guy who's also his friend. And the other guy seems into me too, and everything is a huge mess. I honestly don't know what to do. I kinda regret that I hooked up with that one guy, since he isn't really anything more than a friend to me. I feel like an idiot. I mean, the guy I do like also hooked up with other girls since knowing me, but I mean we've never dated and those were girls I don't know. I realized I do have feelings for him, but I feel like it might be too late now because of what I did. I know this whole story might sound childish and stupid to you guys, but I would really appreciate some good advice, I've never been in a situation like this. What would you do in my shoes? Should I just tell the guy I like that I had sex with his friend? Should I keep it to myself? Should I just give up on the whole idea of being with him since I already screwed it up? Should I just give it some time? I don't know. Thanks so much in advance!
PinkPampies Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Keep it to yourself. You didn't screw anything up! You're not in a committed relationship with him don't overguilt yourself! If you do tell him, he very well might be turned off of you. You've done nothing wrong, you're single. It would be different if you were committed. Relax, if you want to keep seeing him, do so and if you both talk about being exclusive then congrats!
Versacehottie Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 i usually would say not to say anything. But I think you should say something/tell him what happened and that it doesn't mean anything or made you realize that you wanted to date him. (better worded but hopefully you get the picture). First you basically need to find out if he is on same page as you about wanting something with you still (i think it sounds like it but that would be first step). Then clear up the other guy mess. He may not react well at first. BUT he will react much better than if you keep it a secret from him, start dating each other and then he finds out from the guy or anyone else. The other guy may be pissed and try to sabotage too, don't forget. If he doesn't react well when you tell him, hold your ground. You are doing the honest and right thing among friends. You are trying to protect him from any humiliation or one-upping the other guy might do. You can say that it took hooking up with someone else to realize that you were ready (gosh, better worded!!! but hopefully you get the picture). You can do the: you valued his friendship so much/more so you didn't want to mess things up with him until you knew you were really ready. Ok, this part might be a little devious/not exactly truthful. Could you say that you had a flirtation with friend #2 before he left for the two months which is why it happened? Like it was already brewing? Anyway, I do think honesty is the safest, clearest way to get what you want from this guy in the the long run. It just might be bumpy at first. It also COULD f*ck everything up BUT it's much better than investing yourself and then him finding out and breaking up with you for good and losing a friend and his trust for good. It's the best approach to tell now getting into a relationship
Author orangetree Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 Thank you two. It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. It's just so messed up. I love our circle of friends and I don't want to ruin it, I don't want to lose the friendship with the guy I've been hooking up with, he's such an amazing guy and doesn't deserve this. I can really see he started liking me a lot. It's so hard to tell him the truth to his face. I'm a 100% sure the guy I like still wants me, not sure though if he will still want me when I tell him about my thing with his friend. So basically you're saying that I should meet the guy I like and tell him the truth and see if he still wants to be with me? And then tell the other guy that we cannot hook up anymore? God, I feel like a bitch in this whole situation.
PinkPampies Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I would do what your gut is telling you. Me personally, I would not tell because I don't feel you did anything wrong since you weren't exclusive. I just feel it would open a can of worms. You didn't cheat, you didn't lie, etc. you're still feeling each other out and are free to see who you please until you commit to someone. Plus it might mess up the circle of friends dynamic. Just my 2 cents
DrReplyInRhymes Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Uh, if you continue hooking up with him, or with one of them you later become exclusive, I feel it's bound to come out sooner or later, and for a relationship, wouldn't be conducive, In fact, I fear that if that information EVER came out, especially in a relationship down the road, That could be the bomb that blows the entire relationship apart and would cause it to entirely implode! ****ty situation, but I'd tell the guy, and say well....it's not like you were together too, you may have hooked up, and unfortunately, it was someone you both knew. They may even already know, and won't let it affect their friendship, It's the backstabbing sword that ruins friendships, not the truth at it's tip.
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