Have a good gf, but can't stop thinking of my ex

[Mysteryman9110]

I could really use some insight here. If you are going to respond please try to read the whole thing. I asked for advice about a similar situation before, but I could use more insight because I’m still torn. It's a bit of a long post, sorry!

 

I moved to Korea two years ago and I met a woman here. She is 34 and I’m 31. We got along well, but one month into the relationship she broke up with me out of the blue. She told me that we were too different and she didn’t want a future with me because she thought that I had some bad personality characteristics. I was crushed because even though we had only known each other for one month we seen each other almost every day and traveled together. I had never fell for a woman like this before. I had other gf’s but none that I fell this hard for.

 

We got back together a few days later. Everything was fine and we pretty much went back to the way things were, and 7 months later she told her mother about us and her mother did not approve of us. ( In Korea this is a huge deal ). She didn’t want to break up with me, but it was definitely a strain on her. A few days later I fell ill and my appendix ruptured and I nearly died. She stayed with me for a few days while I was in the hosptial. In the hospital I refused to eat the hospital food at 6 am because it is spicy kimchi and things like that at 6 am and recovering from surgery wasn’t a good combo. My girlfriend is a dentist and is extremely neat and was on me about keeping my face washed despite me barely being able to move. My apartment was also a mess because several days before I went ot the hospital I could barely walk. She didn’t want to break up with me while in the hosptial, but I could tell something was wrong and after I pressed her to tell me what was on her mind she broke up with me because of my attitude and my cleanliness. I was so crushed.

 

After getting out of the hospital I met up with her about a week later. We had a good talk and she began to cry. She told me that she has been depressed. I pressed her to tell me more and she told me that she had seen a shrink about 5 years ago and was on meds, but her sister made her stop. She said that I “ cured her “ and again we went back to the way we were and got back together. She started going back to the shrink and back on meds. I have since learned that she has a lot of trauma from her mother and her mother was extremely strict with her ( As some asian parents can be this way ) this in turn has made her exhibit signs of OCD. I also learned that her father left her when she was young and in such a conservative society it was extremely traumatic for her.

 

Fast forward to a few months later and we were shopping for towels and she said she didn’t like my attitude. I wanted to be with her to shop, but I wasn’t that excited to see towels so when she showed me different ones I pretty much shrugged.. ( Not in a rude way, just that I had no preference ) She once again got quiet and then when we got back home I questioned her and then she started crying. It was like a complete change. She treated me like I was some sort of bad person and wanted to throw the relationship away again just like that. No talking about what is bothering her, she just wanted to bail because of my “ attitude “ . But I was still recovering my body and a bit weak, but she thought that I had bad attitude.

 

After this I knew it was time to move on. We became Friends with benefits. We continued to have sex, and she told me she would find a Korean guy to marry and I just let it be. She joked with me about me seeing other girls and said she didn’t mind if I seen other girls so we continued to hang out practically every night. I stayed at her place 5 or 6 nights a week and we would cuddle, watch movies etc but she would tell her friends that we are friends. I was cool with that.

 

Anyways, I met a girl and was a bit secretive to her because I didn’t think that any good can come from the conversation and since she already told me I could see other girls there was no point in bringing it up. She kept pressuring me to talk about the other girl and she didn’t say much. The next day she dropped me off at my place and was really quiet and just sat parked outside my place and didn’t say much.

 

The truth is that I love this woman so deeply. She broke up with me several times and I was attempting to show her that I care about her. Even when I met a new girl I wanted to show her that I didn’t just abandon her. I was super worried about her hurting herself. She broke up with me many times but I still love her. My new gf is a nice girl, but I cannot get my old gf out of my head. How can I fully let go? Part of me still wants to try again with the old gf, but the logical part of me thinks that is a terrible idea because the new gf is such a good catch. How can I be at peace again? I feel like a scumbag and idiot for still thinking about my ex, but it’s hard to forget her. I desperately need some words of encouragement.

[LexiB]

Break up with your new gf and be single until you've finished processing the feelings you have for your ex and feel ready to move on.

 

Do not use this new girl as a place holder.

 

When you can go an entire day - or even better, days - without thinking about her, this is a good indicator of readiness.

 

Another option, is to be completely honest with your current gf about where you are and how you feel and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.

 

Either way, you have to take some action as far as new gf is concerned. It's not fair to let her continue to invest in you and in dreams for your future, when you have one foot out the door. Actually...it sounds like most of your body is out the door with this one.

[Els]

Regardless of whether or not you get back with your ex, you need to leave your current gf because it's not fair to her for you to be staying with her while your heart is with someone else. In fact, based on your previous threads it's likely she already picked up on some signs.

[Mysteryman9110]

Break up with your new gf and be single until you've finished processing the feelings you have for your ex and feel ready to move on.

 

Do not use this new girl as a place holder.

 

When you can go an entire day - or even better, days - without thinking about her, this is a good indicator of readiness.

 

Another option, is to be completely honest with your current gf about where you are and how you feel and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.

 

Either way, you have to take some action as far as new gf is concerned. It's not fair to let her continue to invest in you and in dreams for your future, when you have one foot out the door. Actually...it sounds like most of your body is out the door with this one.

 

Well, I haven't seen my ex in a few months. I was doing great until this weekend. Things just hit me so hard because today is Korean Independence day and I remembered that we went to the beach together last year.

 

I don't want to leave my new gf. She is a total sweetie. My ex gf is emotionally damaged as a man I feel compelled to protect her. I worry about her even now. I have no desire to sleep with her or do anything sexual with her. Trust me, that feeling is dead. I miss going over to her house and having dinner. I miss cuddling and watching movies. I really miss the friendship that I had with her. Because i live in a foreign country she helped bring a lot of comfort to my life and I could always rely on her.

 

I think me living here is what made me fall for her so hard. On paper my new gf blows her out of the water. She is 10 years younger, her family likes me, is more pretty, emotionally stable etc. But I felt so good with my old gf because she lives closer and brought me more comfort. Logically I know why I love my old gf so much, but my heart still is conflicted.

[Satu]

You should spend some time alone sorting out your thoughts and feelings.

 

That means no girlfriend, no fwb, no dating, no 'hooking up.'

 

6 months would be the minimum.

 

You might not like the sound of that, but it would be good for you.

 

Never start a new relationship until you've completely moved on from the last.

 

 

Take care.

[Mysteryman9110]

Regardless of whether or not you get back with your ex, you need to leave your current gf because it's not fair to her for you to be staying with her while your heart is with someone else. In fact, based on your previous threads it's likely she already picked up on some signs.

 

Yes, I feel like a jerk no doubt about it. I adore my current gf and I would never think about leaving her to go back with the old one. I just miss the comfort I had with my old girlfriend. She made my life super easy and now it feels like a piece of me is missing. I loved her, but me living in a foreign country had a lot to play into the dynamics of why I fell for her.

[Els]

I don't want to leave my new gf. She is a total sweetie. My ex gf is emotionally damaged as a man I feel compelled to protect her. I worry about her even now. I have no desire to sleep with her or do anything sexual with her. Trust me, that feeling is dead. I miss going over to her house and having dinner. I miss cuddling and watching movies. I really miss the friendship that I had with her. Because i live in a foreign country she helped bring a lot of comfort to my life and I could always rely on her.

 

 

You don't want to leave but you SHOULD. Stop thinking about just yourself and imagine how you'd feel if your gf was actually pining over some other guy but staying with you just because 'you're a sweetie' or "good on paper". You'd think you deserved to know, right?

 

What you describe evidently suggests you aren't over your ex emotionally. It doesn't even matter whether or not you want to have sex with her. People who are truly over their exes don't miss cuddling with them or going to their house. Trust me. I have exes too. Most of us do.

[juniorrocha]

You should spend some time alone sorting out your thoughts and feelings.

 

That means no girlfriend, no fwb, no dating, no 'hooking up.'

 

6 months would be the minimum.

 

You might not like the sound of that, but it would be good for you.

 

Never start a new relationship until you've completely moved on from the last.

 

Take care.

 

I think it's not needed to go at least 6 months not dating etc, that's a bit extreme. But he does have to focus on himself for a while to sort things out. Make dating/hooking up not a priority.

 

OP, it's obvious to even point out you still have feelings for your ex, as it's also obvious (and it's good that you know it) that you two are not a good match. However, it's time to let her go and to heal yourself. You jumped from a relationship to another while you still have feelings for your ex, so it's never going to work well.

 

Your current gf is a rebound, you're not able to give her what she needs. Break up with her, explain the situation if you think you should and stay single for a while. Meanwhile, focus on you.

 

Eventually you'll feel like you've moved on and then you'll be able to start a new relationship.

[Mysteryman9110]

I definitely still have feelings for my ex. We went from gf/ to friends and I miss being her friend. I miss hanging out her place and the routine that I had with her. She has a lot of emotional scars from her past ( because her father left her ) and has been cheated on before. I was drawn to her because I am a fixer and also she is a little bit older than me and she made me feel super comfortable and worry free. Also, even now I'm super worried about her and want to make sure she is doing okay. I have no desire to get back into a romantic relationship with her, but I would like to try to remain strictly platonic friends, but I don't know if that is a possibility anymore.

 

My new girlfriend is head and shoulders a better future prospect from a romantic sense, but my ex gf had such a colorful personality, but ironically all of that emotional damage that has made her next to impossible to have a relationship with, is also the same kind of personality that sucks me right in. My current gf is 24 and has a very stable family. She is in many ways the polar opposite of my ex. I'm quite happy with her and I'm not going back to my ex gf, but I would love to be able to have a friendship with my ex. From the bottom of my heart I would absolutely love for my ex to get married and I really mean that.

 

I appreciate all the advice here. I do take it to heart, but she is my first love and its hard. I just want her to happy even if she finds someone else I just want her to be happy. The man in me is still trying to protect her and I cannot let it go completely. I do not have a foot out the door with my current gf, but I do miss my ex and I should be honest about that.

[lillymae1010]

Having lingering and confusing feelings about an ex is a more common shared human experience than you might think. What really struck me is when you not only referred to missing her as an ex girlfriend but as a friend. Losing a friend can be soul wrenching. Sometimes that loss is more profound than the romance without you even realizing it.

 

 

I have no clue what she was or is thinking. There are plenty of possible reasons for what was happening but all any of us here can do is guess based on what we know from our life experiences. Here's my take: You mentioned depression which is enormously complex and leads to irrational thinking and behavior that neither the person themselves nor anyone else can logically explain. If it's really bad over time it can trigger even more things in the brain such as anxiety (that's usually a given), or OCD as you mentioned, and perhaps in this case a bit of codependency countered by an inability to truly connect with another person for who they ARE, rather than who one wants them to be (PERFECT!). It's a cluster f* of emotions that can affect your mental health if you let yourself get too close.

 

I think you take one step at a time and try to be the best person you can be day to day. To me that would involve taking a step back and analyze the circumstances you CAN control and not try to control the ones you can't. To me that would be focusing first on your current relationship and respecting her as a person just as you would want to be treated. Do you care about her? Does the fact that she's NOT throwing you on an emotional roller coaster make her less desirable?

 

Once you become more clear about what you really want and what drives you I think you'll be in a better state of mind and more able to commit to a path that best suits *you*.

 

Best wishes~

Edited August 16, 2016 by lillymae1010
typoz, grammar stuff

[Mysteryman9110]

Having lingering and confusing feelings about an ex is a more common shared human experience than you might think. What really struck me is when you not only referred to missing her as an ex girlfriend but as a friend. Losing a friend can be soul wrenching. Sometimes that loss is more profound than the romance without you even realizing it.

 

 

I have no clue what she was or is thinking. There are plenty of possible reasons for what was happening but all any of us here can do is guess based on what we know from our life experiences. Here's my take: You mentioned depression which is enormously complex and leads to irrational thinking and behavior that neither the person themselves nor anyone else can logically explain. If it's really bad over time it can trigger even more things in the brain such as anxiety (that's usually a given), or OCD as you mentioned, and perhaps in this case a bit of codependency countered by an inability to truly connect with another person for who they ARE, rather than who one wants them to be (PERFECT!). It's a cluster f* of emotions that can affect your mental health if you let yourself get too close.

 

I think you take one step at a time and try to be the best person you can be day to day. To me that would involve taking a step back and analyze the circumstances you CAN control and not try to control the ones you can't. To me that would be focusing first on your current relationship and respecting her as a person just as you would want to be treated. Do you care about her? Does the fact that she's NOT throwing you on an emotional roller coaster make her less desirable?

 

Once you become more clear about what you really want and what drives you I think you'll be in a better state of mind and more able to commit to a path that best suits *you*.

 

Best wishes~

 

Thank you so much. I love this post. I think you are on the money about her anxiety and the need to be perfect. My ex told me that her mom is a control freak and her sister and brother in laws are doctors and my girlfriend said that her brother in law takes 2 hours to do the dishes because he is such a fanatic about cleanliness. To the point where she told me she doesn't like going to see her family. This kind of behavior seems to run in the family as her mom is super controlling too. What my ex doesn't realize is that sometimes she is just like this with me. The language barrier was an issue for her even though her English is great, she couldn't express herself completely and it was a big issue for someone like her who expects everything to be 100% to her liking. She is the opposite of " just go with the flow " type of person.

 

I'm not trying to blame her, at her core she is an amazing person. On one hand I don't want to be a doormat, but on the other hand I am an extremely loyal person to people and I seen her condition as something that is not her fault. I feel like I should support her during her tough times. Her tramuatic experiences as well as genetic traits in large part are to blame and this is not something she has had any control over. She told me she thought about hurting herself in the past and when she told me things like " The past few years since I have known you have been the best years of my life " , then I worry that she might fall into a deep depression and do harm to herself. Her mom refuses to go to a shrink with her and she still has a hard time communicating with her. Lots of family issues are a bit source of her problems.

 

What I want going forward is to focus on my current girlfriend. But part of being a well rounded person is not being codependent and having other friends as well. I consider my ex in that friendship category. Our friendship lasted much longer than our romantic relationship did. Our romantic relationship lasted only 7 or 8 months, while I have known her for nearly two years. I think ONLY focusing on my current girlfriend can lead to dependence which was one of my faults in my past relationship. I think balance is ideal. I am not trying to keep my ex around 'just in case things don't work out' or anything like that. At my core I'm a very tender hearted person and very emotional. Since my girlfriends father left her and she has also been cheated on in the past I want to show her that good people are still out there. I connected with her in a way that I have never felt before and I want to make her life better, and its not because I feel sorry for her, but because I care about her as a person and as a friend.

[luck1978]

Could be totally wrong but this is my take:

You are a rescuer, you yearn for the need to rescue your ex again, your new gf is more stable and maybe does not need rescuing which is why you feel a sense of emptiness here. You need to sort this out as it is your issue. A good article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201105/rescuing-the-rescuer

 

Like I said, I could be completely wrong, good luck any how ;-)

[lillymae1010]

Generally speaking I can say that you are spot on about balance. It's a simple concept but not always easy to follow through. Anyway I'm glad you found it helpful. It's YOUR life so be patient and go with your gut. That's a huge life lesson I've learned in the last couple years.

Edited August 16, 2016 by lillymae1010
made it better

[takenawayfrom]

I don't believe you should break up. Take your time, see what happens. As long as you're able to be a good bf and see a future with your gf there is no point ending your relationship. However you need to realise that getting over your ex will take time, time is all it takes however.

[zuzuspetals]

Hello Mysteryman. Love is a powerful thing. How do we “unlove” someone after loving, and especially after we’ve slept with them? Sorry that happened to you… Three breakups!? Talk about being put through the ringer… You asked for insight, so I hope this comes across as such, and not judging or preaching. You know, there’s some conventional wisdom designed to keep us from such heartache, found in the Bible. Those “rules” that are often thought to infringe on our way of living are really designed to keep us out of trouble, guide us toward truth and to enhance relationships that can otherwise be easily destroyed. I know - we live in a culture that seems to suggest, display and encourage casual sex and sex before marriage. The subtle sexual innuendo has given way to the obvious. Turn on any TV channel day or night there it is. I’m no prude, but I think the messages we (and especially young people) are receiving in the name of “sex sells” is ruining us, in a way, and in many ways is a blueprint for how to fail at a real, loving relationship. Maybe the reason you can’t get that gal out of your head is because by design, that’s what’s supposed to happen when we have sex with someone. We are supposed to become “one flesh” and stay together forever, death do us part, and all that. It’s no surprise that you’re deeply in love with her and can’t let her go. You’re doing what we are all wired to do under those circumstances (until we do it so often or with so many that the feeling fades). I would guess, that despite her rather uncharacteristic behavior, she feels the same. But it may take a trained professional to get this one sorted out so that all the cards are really on the table, yes? There may be a lot more that she hasn’t told you. I’d suggest a Christian counselor…. and saving the sex until the union of you and your partner is official : ) There’s a lot to be said about honoring the one you love with patience, and virtue. One thing’s for sure – she will know that you take the relationship seriously. There’s some really good literature and commentary on this subject. Let me know if you’re interested.

[Grisho]

I posted this elsewhere:

 

"It's an absolute red flag. There are 2 bright red flags relative to this:

 

1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas

 

2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas

 

The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance.

 

You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties"

[Mysteryman9110]

I really want to think you guys for your help. I started to feel guilty about missing my ex, and I was also feeling guilty for being depressed and making my girlfriend think it was her fault. I put all my cards on the table last night and was completely honest with her about everything. She was hurt, but she understood my feelings. She cried a bit last night through skype but handled everything better than I expected. She came over to my place tonight and brought me homemade food and groceries. We had a talk at my place and she briefly told me that she thinks we need to break up, but I could feel that she was just wanting to see how serious I am about her. We had a very intense talk and tears were shed and after that we held each other and agreed to work it out and keep trying. She left my place smiling and happy.

 

My ex broke up with me while I was recovering from emergency surgery, and my current girlfriend has just shown me what an amazing person she is and its exactly what I needed. I don't miss my ex, I just miss the comfort that she brought me from living in a foreign country, but I'm trying to work that out day by day. Thanks guys!

[ManyDissapoint]

I could really use some insight here. If you are going to respond please try to read the whole thing. I asked for advice about a similar situation before, but I could use more insight because I’m still torn. It's a bit of a long post, sorry!

 

I moved to Korea two years ago and I met a woman here. She is 34 and I’m 31. We got along well, but one month into the relationship she broke up with me out of the blue. She told me that we were too different and she didn’t want a future with me because she thought that I had some bad personality characteristics. I was crushed because even though we had only known each other for one month we seen each other almost every day and traveled together. I had never fell for a woman like this before. I had other gf’s but none that I fell this hard for.

 

We got back together a few days later. Everything was fine and we pretty much went back to the way things were, and 7 months later she told her mother about us and her mother did not approve of us. ( In Korea this is a huge deal ). She didn’t want to break up with me, but it was definitely a strain on her. A few days later I fell ill and my appendix ruptured and I nearly died. She stayed with me for a few days while I was in the hosptial. In the hospital I refused to eat the hospital food at 6 am because it is spicy kimchi and things like that at 6 am and recovering from surgery wasn’t a good combo. My girlfriend is a dentist and is extremely neat and was on me about keeping my face washed despite me barely being able to move. My apartment was also a mess because several days before I went ot the hospital I could barely walk. She didn’t want to break up with me while in the hosptial, but I could tell something was wrong and after I pressed her to tell me what was on her mind she broke up with me because of my attitude and my cleanliness. I was so crushed.

 

After getting out of the hospital I met up with her about a week later. We had a good talk and she began to cry. She told me that she has been depressed. I pressed her to tell me more and she told me that she had seen a shrink about 5 years ago and was on meds, but her sister made her stop. She said that I “ cured her “ and again we went back to the way we were and got back together. She started going back to the shrink and back on meds. I have since learned that she has a lot of trauma from her mother and her mother was extremely strict with her ( As some asian parents can be this way ) this in turn has made her exhibit signs of OCD. I also learned that her father left her when she was young and in such a conservative society it was extremely traumatic for her.

 

Fast forward to a few months later and we were shopping for towels and she said she didn’t like my attitude. I wanted to be with her to shop, but I wasn’t that excited to see towels so when she showed me different ones I pretty much shrugged.. ( Not in a rude way, just that I had no preference ) She once again got quiet and then when we got back home I questioned her and then she started crying. It was like a complete change. She treated me like I was some sort of bad person and wanted to throw the relationship away again just like that. No talking about what is bothering her, she just wanted to bail because of my “ attitude “ . But I was still recovering my body and a bit weak, but she thought that I had bad attitude.

 

After this I knew it was time to move on. We became Friends with benefits. We continued to have sex, and she told me she would find a Korean guy to marry and I just let it be. She joked with me about me seeing other girls and said she didn’t mind if I seen other girls so we continued to hang out practically every night. I stayed at her place 5 or 6 nights a week and we would cuddle, watch movies etc but she would tell her friends that we are friends. I was cool with that.

 

Anyways, I met a girl and was a bit secretive to her because I didn’t think that any good can come from the conversation and since she already told me I could see other girls there was no point in bringing it up. She kept pressuring me to talk about the other girl and she didn’t say much. The next day she dropped me off at my place and was really quiet and just sat parked outside my place and didn’t say much.

 

The truth is that I love this woman so deeply. She broke up with me several times and I was attempting to show her that I care about her. Even when I met a new girl I wanted to show her that I didn’t just abandon her. I was super worried about her hurting herself. She broke up with me many times but I still love her. My new gf is a nice girl, but I cannot get my old gf out of my head. How can I fully let go? Part of me still wants to try again with the old gf, but the logical part of me thinks that is a terrible idea because the new gf is such a good catch. How can I be at peace again? I feel like a scumbag and idiot for still thinking about my ex, but it’s hard to forget her. I desperately need some words of encouragement.

 

Do not let go of a good woman because of some residual baggage. There's always residual baggage. You can work through it without bothering her with it. Take a step outside yourself and observe. Are you comparing her to your ex? Is she getting your full attention?

 

If you have a moral compass you will know if you are leading your current girlfriend on. If those alarms go off, THEN and only then explain to her that you are still processing some baggage.