starting to lose feelings, i think...

[joyful]

i have been with my boyfriend for seven months. i fell head over heels and saw him as my future spouse. like all people who are swept up in the feeling of having found THE ONE, we have talked about moving in together and even getting married.

 

over the past two weeks, i have been dealing with a family crisis that has made me depressed, anxious, sick. i wake up with a sinking feeling and cry all morning. my boyfriend is supportive generally but also emotionally demanding.

 

he still wants to have sex a lot, and he likes it rough. the last two times i cried after we slept together because i just felt even more beaten down. he also keeps trying to make my current family situation about my feelings for him. last night he threatened to break up with me because i admitted to feeling guilty for spending so much time with him while my family is struggling.

 

i am trying to understand his perspective. he feels like i have changed all of a sudden and is freaking out because he feels like he is losing his life partner. it causes him to add more pressure to me when i feel truly shattered to begin with.

 

i am now started to feel really disconnected from my boyfriend and apathetic about the relationship. any advice?

[joyful]

anyone? any ideas? is it me? will this pass?

[CarrieT]

How old are you two?

 

And - no - when issues like this surface in a relationship, they rarely pass. The whole "The One" concept happens in the beginning of a relationship, during the honeymoon phase. That is now wearing off and when you need the most support, you are starting to see through the cracks of how he may not be "The One" for you because of how demanding he is during your time of need.

 

Time to take a step back and look at the big picture. Can you tell him that the rough sex is not helping you, but that you need love and nurturing? If you are only there for him to have rough sex with, than your needs are not being met and it may be time to split up.

 

I have a feeling you both are pretty young.... Am I correct?

[joyful]

How old are you two?

 

And - no - when issues like this surface in a relationship, they rarely pass. The whole "The One" concept happens in the beginning of a relationship, during the honeymoon phase. That is now wearing off and when you need the most support, you are starting to see through the cracks of how he may not be "The One" for you because of how demanding he is during your time of need.

 

Time to take a step back and look at the big picture. Can you tell him that the rough sex is not helping you, but that you need love and nurturing? If you are only there for him to have rough sex with, than your needs are not being met and it may be time to split up.

 

I have a feeling you both are pretty young.... Am I correct?

 

thank you. you are right.

 

no, we are not young. i am in my 30s; he is in his 40s. i had been single for some years after a divorce, so i think i got very caught up emotionally in this guy.

 

this guy is into bdsm, but says that he is cool if i am not interested in exploring that. but the sex is pretty rough and is making me feel beat up during a very difficult time.

[CarrieT]

no, we are not young. i am in my 30s; he is in his 40s. i had been single for some years after a divorce, so i think i got very caught up emotionally in this guy.

Wow. The way you wrote it sounded like you (he, mostly!) were just coming out of high school.

 

this guy is into bdsm, but says that he is cool if i am not interested in exploring that. but the sex is pretty rough and is making me feel beat up during a very difficult time.

This is a huge red flag. I am in a BDSM marriage and it is important that what is being done be 100% consensual - which it does not sound like it is not. Him saying "it is cool" that you are not interested but subjecting you to rough sex is WRONG on too many levels.

 

Has he discussed "safe words" with you at all? If not, than he is simply abusing you. BDSM is about trust and mutual respect - not about beating someone up during sex.

 

Please - for your sake and your health - take a giant step back from this guy.

 

Also, someone who is that into BDSM should be looking for someone who is also interested in the lifestyle. Not someone who will force it upon them. Please don't think you have to do the things he wants because he is into it; especially if you don't understand the deeply emotional, physical, and psychological ramifications of what is being done to you.

[Redhead14]

i have been with my boyfriend for seven months. i fell head over heels and saw him as my future spouse. like all people who are swept up in the feeling of having found THE ONE, we have talked about moving in together and even getting married.

 

over the past two weeks, i have been dealing with a family crisis that has made me depressed, anxious, sick. i wake up with a sinking feeling and cry all morning. my boyfriend is supportive generally but also emotionally demanding.

 

he still wants to have sex a lot, and he likes it rough. the last two times i cried after we slept together because i just felt even more beaten down. he also keeps trying to make my current family situation about my feelings for him. last night he threatened to break up with me because i admitted to feeling guilty for spending so much time with him while my family is struggling.

 

i am trying to understand his perspective. he feels like i have changed all of a sudden and is freaking out because he feels like he is losing his life partner. it causes him to add more pressure to me when i feel truly shattered to begin with.

 

i am now started to feel really disconnected from my boyfriend and apathetic about the relationship. any advice?

 

Firmly but calmly, tell your boyfriend that you love him and need his support right now. You should explain to him that you need to deal with your family situation and need a little breathing room. If he reacts poorly again, you might want to end things with him. I know you don't need the added stress of a break up, but he is creating additional stress anyway.

 

You do need to find ways to manage your stress in a healthy way, though. Don't exclude things you usually like to do, push on with your life through all this. When you shut down, you're just keeping yourself in a cycle of negativity. You have to at least distract yourself as much as possible. It's OK to think about it all, but don't dwell. Make sure you eat properly and care for your needs.

 

You also need to realize that pushing a partner away in times of stress is hurtful and confusing to them. However, his response is immature and controlling/threatening. That is not the sign of a good partner either.

 

You're likely seeing what the future would be like between the two of you when things get tough -- you push away and he tries to control/manipulate.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Redhead14

[joyful]

Wow. The way you wrote it sounded like you (he, mostly!) were just coming out of high school.

 

 

This is a huge red flag. I am in a BDSM marriage and it is important that what is being done be 100% consensual - which it does not sound like it is not. Him saying "it is cool" that you are not interested but subjecting you to rough sex is WRONG on too many levels.

 

Has he discussed "safe words" with you at all? If not, than he is simply abusing you. BDSM is about trust and mutual respect - not about beating someone up during sex.

 

Please - for your sake and your health - take a giant step back from this guy.

 

Also, someone who is that into BDSM should be looking for someone who is also interested in the lifestyle. Not someone who will force it upon them. Please don't think you have to do the things he wants because he is into it; especially if you don't understand the deeply emotional, physical, and psychological ramifications of what is being done to you.

 

we have not discussed safe words. he says he is not a sadist. he just likes to see the point at which pain turns to pleasure for his partner. he talks about it like discovering new levels of vulnerability and being pleased with me for being able to "take it." so far we are not doing scenes but the sex is pretty rough.

 

i didn't mind it so much before because it is sometimes exciting. but now i find myself sobbing afterward because i feel pretty broken to begin with.

[joyful]

Firmly but calmly, tell your boyfriend that you love him and need his support right now. You should explain to him that you need to deal with your family situation and need a little breathing room. If he reacts poorly again, you might want to end things with him. I know you don't need the added stress of a break up, but he is creating additional stress anyway.

 

You do need to find ways to manage your stress in a healthy way, though. Don't exclude things you usually like to do, push on with your life through all this. When you shut down, you're just keeping yourself in a cycle of negativity. You have to at least distract yourself as much as possible. It's OK to think about it all, but don't dwell. Make sure you eat properly and care for your needs.

 

You also need to realize that pushing a partner away in times of stress is hurtful and confusing to them. However, his response is immature and controlling/threatening. That is not the sign of a good partner either.

 

You're likely seeing what the future would be like between the two of you when things get tough -- you push away and he tries to control/manipulate.

 

every time i tell him i need a little space, that i am really sinking, that i feel guilty for not being there for my family, he reacts like i am breaking up with him.

 

now he is talking about ending things because i don't have the capacity to be there for him in the same ways sexually and emotionally. i think i am going to just let him end it.

[Gaeta]

he still wants to have sex a lot, and he likes it rough. the last two times i cried after we slept together because i just felt even more beaten down. he also keeps trying to make my current family situation about my feelings for him. last night he threatened to break up with me because i admitted to feeling guilty for spending so much time with him while my family is struggling.

 

i am trying to understand his perspective.

 

There is not perspective to understand from a man that is manipulative, controlling and abusive.

 

He still wants sex while I'm reading between the lines you don't, why is that he still gets it? Do you mean he won't take a no for answer? Then after sex you cry and he STILL demands some more of it???

 

Listen, he is showing you his real face, don't make excuses for him. You didn't see this side of him before because at first we're on our best behavior and hide our character flaws. After 6 months your true colors are showing and this is who he is ...and I see a very ugly human being with no empathy, no kindness, no selflessness. I just see someone who's in for what HE wants.

 

What is the benefit of being with someone if he cannot support you, offer you understanding, kindness and tenderness when you go through something difficult!

 

Give him his severance papers.

[Gaeta]

now he is talking about ending things because i don't have the capacity to be there for him in the same ways sexually and emotionally. i think i am going to just let him end it.

 

YOU end it !!!

 

He's a controlling monster.

[CarrieT]

YOU end it !!!

 

He's a controlling monster.

 

Repeated for emphasis.

[Redhead14]

every time i tell him i need a little space, that i am really sinking, that i feel guilty for not being there for my family, he reacts like i am breaking up with him.

 

now he is talking about ending things because i don't have the capacity to be there for him in the same ways sexually and emotionally. i think i am going to just let him end it.

 

You end it! Don't give him that control, he's trying to control you anyway. He's not able to empathize and is selfish.

[smackie9]

Ya you dump this chump....it's pretty darn simple.

[BaileyB]

 

he still wants to have sex a lot, and he likes it rough. the last two times i cried after we slept together because i just felt even more beaten down. last night he threatened to break up with me because i admitted to feeling guilty for spending so much time with him while my family is struggling.

 

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

Just wanted to say, this is not love. Real love should not leave you with tears and feeling beaten down. Real love is kind, supportive, understanding. It should give you strength and hold you up during your difficult hours.

 

This guy does not sound like he's the one. Take care of yourself right now... He is a big boy and he can worry about himself. Wishing you all the best!

[Versacehottie]

However, his response is immature and controlling/threatening. That is not the sign of a good partner either.

 

You're likely seeing what the future would be like between the two of you when things get tough -- you push away and he tries to control/manipulate.

 

I agree with ^^^^ this above that Redhead said. One thing is for sure, life is bound to bring more crisis' and hard times. I'd give him one sit down talk to explain your position calmly and thoroughly. If he still persists on being unsupportive and not a good partner during these times, then it's on you to decide how to proceed. I would walk away. This is just part of the normal process of finding out about people.

 

You learn about yourself during these times and about those close to you. You don't sound unreasonable to me. He does. Sometimes it takes a crisis to see that your partner's involvement with you is conditional. Do you like the conditions? Or will the supportive conditions always be around? Not necessarily. It's easy to get along when most things are going right. The test of good character can often be when things are not going so well. He's not sounding like he is doing so well in these areas. Needs to have more empathy and not so selfish. Good luck with everything.

[Grisho]

This man is abusing you.

 

You need loving contact with him during a crisis. His taste in rough sex is neither here nor there, when you are overwhelmed and struggling.

 

This is not a man looking after your wellbeing, which makes me fear for you right now, because you are vulnerable. A loving partner supports you, and takes as much weight off your shoulders as possible when you are sinking in sadness. They don't put you under any pressure at all; they encourage you to do whatever you need to do to cope, and stress that they are there any time you need them. They make sure you are eating properly, perhaps bringing you a cooked dinner, or going food shopping, so you don't need to bother.

[joyful]

we spent all day talking, and i didn't even get to break up with him. he asked to go on a break until my family crisis has passed, and we can then decide if we want to resume our relationship.

 

he feels that i am unable to show him love and to invest in our future -- i have told him that it takes all my energy to wake up and get through the day. he doesn't know if that will ever change for me and doesn't want to be "subject to my whims."

 

it feels quite selfish and cruel to me, but it also makes me realize how new the relationship is and that we don't really know each other. i also understand someone leaving the relationship when their needs are not being met.

 

i will not resume our relationship after this so-called "break." for me, this is a permanent breakup.

[Gaeta]

we spent all day talking, and i didn't even get to break up with him. he asked to go on a break until my family crisis has passed, and we can then decide if we want to resume our relationship.

 

he feels that i am unable to show him love and to invest in our future -- i have told him that it takes all my energy to wake up and get through the day. he doesn't know if that will ever change for me and doesn't want to be "subject to my whims."

 

it feels quite selfish and cruel to me, but it also makes me realize how new the relationship is and that we don't really know each other. i also understand someone leaving the relationship when their needs are not being met.

 

i will not resume our relationship after this so-called "break." for me, this is a permanent breakup.

 

What a selfish little man he is. Do yourself a favor and tell him to not bother getting back to you.

[BaileyB]

I would hope that you would not resume the relationship after the break.

 

He is a selfish, little man... You are much better off without him. Let him be someone else's problem! Take care of yourself now.

[Grisho]

Great work, Joy. You are looking after your wellbeing by staying away from him. Now onto important matters... Wishing you strength and calm during this period of extremes in your life. Keep posting if you need to. Lots of us will be wanting to know you're alright and coping. Take care.

[CarrieT]

he asked to go on a break until my family crisis has passed, and we can then decide if we want to resume our relationship.

Just as an FYI, in an relationship, there is no "break until..." scenario that doesn't end badly.

 

i will not resume our relationship after this so-called "break." for me, this is a permanent breakup.

Excellent. That is how it should be - a "break" is not a vacation; it is an ending.

 

Go forward, establish and maintain NO CONTACT, and don't look back.

[bachdude]

I'm reading this and completely shocked.

 

 

He is incapable of being supportive of you during this family crisis. You feel down because of your family situation and he makes this about himself.

 

 

And what is this about being so rough with you in sex that it makes you feel beaten down? And you cry?

 

 

This is a level of self centeredness that is hard to comprehend. He's abusive and I can't say in stronger words - drop him and never look back.

[joyful]

this is not really an update.

 

just posting because it feels really bad to find that a relationship in which one discusses living together and marriage doesn't have any real foundation.

 

i keep thinking about my now-ex telling me he needed to go take a break because there was no space in the relationship for him, that his needs were not being met -- all while i am facing literally the most difficult circumstance of my life to this point.

 

my therapist wants to put me on meds and in physical therapy because my anxiety and depression wracks my body with pain, and this man tells me that he can't stay because i am not meeting his needs?

 

i am so hurt, and i just can't make sense of it.

[BaileyB]

I'm sure that you are hurt, nobody wants this to happen.

 

But trust me when I say, best you learn this now than five years later when you are married to this jerk and have two kids. You dodged a big bullet here! You will find someone better... Chose wisely next time!

 

Take care,

[Gaeta]

this is not really an update.

 

just posting because it feels really bad to find that a relationship in which one discusses living together and marriage doesn't have any real foundation.

 

i keep thinking about my now-ex telling me he needed to go take a break because there was no space in the relationship for him, that his needs were not being met -- all while i am facing literally the most difficult circumstance of my life to this point.

 

my therapist wants to put me on meds and in physical therapy because my anxiety and depression wracks my body with pain, and this man tells me that he can't stay because i am not meeting his needs?

 

i am so hurt, and i just can't make sense of it.

 

Hon, listen to your doctor. If he wants to put you on meds it's because you need it. It's going to calm your body and mind and you will see clearer. It will also help you deal with your family situation and maybe able to make you a better support for them. The most important is family. Men will come and go.

 

Don't make sense of it. He is ugly inside, there is something much better waiting for you.