Author lillymae1010 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Yes the divorce happened relatively quickly after the kids. They actually almost divorced after the first one but then the second came. I try not to pry too much but from what it sounds she quit her day job after the first kid and went a little post partum and reckless. I actually have compassion for both sides (to a point of course). Reading all these replies was not exactly easy. Like someone said every situation is unique and I appreciate that open mindedness. That being said I do recognize the red flags that others have pointed out. I do believe he deserves a little bit more credit as a person than he's getting here. I actually know this. At the risk of inducing more black and white judgement, I'll share some more details as I said I would earlier. I failed to mention that we actually met almost 8 years ago when he was my engineering mechanics professor. We did the 'right" thing back then and never crossed a line or even spoke directly about it but clearly we had an emotional connection (he wasn't married). Remember try to keep an open mind! He moved across the country to teach an a great ivy league and is still there living a very respectable life and career. We have been in contact via email 1-2x a year ever since. I stay in contact with a handful of my favorite professors both male and female so it wasn't at all odd and again ever crossed the line even once until June/July and which point EVERY feeling came out and we have been talking and skyping for hours on end everyday. What's funny is that at the time we first met he was fairly close to my age now but back then I was a completely different person and as he says he was not in a place to take advantage of or take away from my college years. He admits now that he still has the same fear and wouldn't ever drag me into a situation that isn't good for me. He literally said almost exactly what another member here said "when you're 60 I'll be almost 75. Is that something you're okay with?" Hell. I don't know. Sometimes one person can be in their 70s but look and act like they are in their 50s while others in their 50s sometimes look like someone's ailing grandparent. My parents are 11 years apart and my dad was married before (albeit no kids) but alas here I am. And as someone mentioned every situation is unique and I must say again I truly appreciate the honest feedback while hopefully not being to quick to judge as this is a fairly vulnerable time for me. We discussed all the concerns this evening and told him tonight that I need a few days to think on it as he should too. If anything I think at least that was the right move...for now. PS I was going to try and direct message some of you but I can't. Edited August 16, 2016 by lillymae1010 typos, typos, typos, perfectionism 1
Author lillymae1010 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I just had an interesting thought. If I were bringing up this issue 7-8 months from now it would be titled "I'm 30, he's 44...." Would people react differently?
Blanco Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Nah, because 30 is still relatively young and mid-40s, in contrast, isn't. 30-44 was about the ages of my one ex and her next guy and, yeah, "he's so old!" is something I've heard from mutual friends who have seen them together. 2
Aniela Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) I just had an interesting thought. If I were bringing up this issue 7-8 months from now it would be titled "I'm 30, he's 44...." Would people react differently? I don't think so. Although I don't like hearing that over 40 is old, myself, since I don't feel that old, it's definitely a change from 30. Age starts to show for everyone around their mid-thirties, unless you're Jessica Alba - at least that's been my experience - but I was turned off by men in their forties and fifties (and older) who hit on me. I don't know - you sound like you want to go for it, and it is your decision. I imagine it feels good that someone sounds like they'd be planning for a life together (what with the, "When you're 50, I'll be 65" sort of talk happening - unless I pulled that from a different post), but it would also freak me out a bit, if we haven't even really dated. *edit. You can't PM people until you've posted at least fifty times, I think it is. The number may have changed. You've had an account for almost a year, so as soon as your post count is up a bit, you should be able to send messages. Edited August 16, 2016 by Aniela 2
Author lillymae1010 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 *edit. You can't PM people until you've posted at least fifty times, I think it is. The number may have changed. You've had an account for almost a year, so as soon as your post count is up a bit, you should be able to send messages. In that case I will keep the public posted, if it's worth sharing. Thanks everyone for your input (even the ones that were hard to hear). 1
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 We have the professor/student dynamic, the older man/young woman dynamic, the divorced man dynamic, the long term "bachelor" dynamic, the middle aged man with very young kids dynamic, the divorced man who walks out on his young kids as wife has gone "post partum" dynamic, the LDR dynamic... Frankly if this is just unfinished prof/student business, then go for it, have fun for a few months. BUT if you want a lasting relationship with kids and a family, then I feel this man is a very poor bet, don't waste your time here.
Miss Clavel Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 imo, it has nothing to do with his age. it has to do with the fact that raising anyone's children is a mind numbing tedious visit to hell!! and if you marry him you could have as many as 5 little kids together. the laundry, dishes and sheer sticky poopy messes four times a day, are never ending. five carpools to as many as 3 different schools, TWICE a day. not to mention after school activites, homework and where do they stay for summer while the parents work? i wanted to stick a fork in my own eye and they were all my bio kids. your 29, you have no idea. ask yourself how you are going to feel when you arrive at your dear friends house all dressed up to show off your beautiful new baby and the kids drops a diaper busting load down the front of your dress just as the door opens. and that happens at least one to every kid. it does NOT end. when you are sick, when you are on your monthly, when he wants sex and all you want is someone to fold the clothes. it's not all bad tho, i love my orphans. and it gets better once you don't have to strap them in the car seats/strollers anymore. however, around that time, they get hormones and they start to become smarter and taller than you. and they need even more rides, mostly at night. which means you gotta stay dressed and sober, on call to drive another taxi car pool. it means you gotta sleep with one eye open in case one of them takes your car keys. kids as little as his are can do nothing for themselves. and will not for some time to come. add their mother into the mix and let me know how it works out. cuz work work work work is what you are in for. imo good luck.
Author lillymae1010 Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) Here's my perspective: I don't think it always turns out ONE way. When I was a kid I took the bus and did my own homework. My siblings and I were all obscene 10lb babies that required C-sections while my dad talked golf to the OBGYN as my mom makes sure to remind us every year. I'm pretty sure we crapped our pants on the regular at the most inconvenient times and any friend who would hold that against someone is not a true friend. I suppose I've come to terms with my monthly over the years. And when it comes to the proposition of sex over laundry, that doesn't feel like the worst thing in the world. As far as the student/professor stereotype goes I don't know what to say other than the fact that if that was the motivation then things would've happened many years ago. That's all I got for tonight. Edited August 16, 2016 by lillymae1010 typoz 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Why didn't things happen years ago? You say he wasn't married...was he already attached at the time?
Emilia Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Pretty easy to tell who the 40 and older guys in this thread are. and I would advise them not to get too comfortable, make sure they have a good divorce lawyer 'just in case' and don't count on someone considerably younger to care for them. Younger people are the ones that break up age-gap relationships because they realise at some stage that mid-life crisis and caring for the elderly aren't what they signed up for. They have more options, they leave.
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I just had an interesting thought. If I were bringing up this issue 7-8 months from now it would be titled "I'm 30, he's 44...." Would people react differently? No... same 1
Emilia Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I'm in my late 30s and i date a 24yo woman, she's well grounded, extremely intelligent and intellectual, sexy as and playful. Why should i even go near an older, or near my age, woman that is on the decline, when i can have everything that a good woman can provide me with but in fresher package? As I said, don't get too comfortable. In your late 30s you can compete with guys in their early 30s, in your 40s you won't be. While men in their 20s aren't seen as much of a catch because they have not established themselves yet, they peak in their 30s. So you will see soon enough what it's like not be seen as the fresher package
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Also, if it hasn't been said yet: of course guys want to get the youngest, hottest piece of ass ALL the time. That's why you don't see somebody like George Clooney dating women in their 40's or 50's... Or Michael Douglas dating someone in her 50's or 60's, he got a late 20's (or early 30's?) Katherine Zeta Jones Women can rarely pull off something like that. It's almost completely unheard of except in sugar mama type scenarios
clia Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 15 years is a huge age gap. It may not seem that large now because he may be young looking, full of energy, etc., but that can all change. Granted, he may be a guy who is active and healthy well into his 70s, but you just don't know. He could also be a guy who needs a hip replacement in 10 years. You just don't know and it is somewhat risky to stick around to try to find out. I will say that I'm 42 and there is a huge difference between how I feel now and how I felt when I was 29. I am active, in shape, in great health, etc., but I have aches and pains I never thought I would have. It's just a very different feeling. You will likely still be feeling pretty good in 15 years, will be wanting to travel and go out and do things, but he'll be nearing 60 and in who knows what kind of health. (Of course, something could always happen with your health also...you never know.) So, that's a concern. But to me the bigger concern for you is that he is recently divorced and has two small children. Is he even ready to be getting involved with you? How often does he have his children? What is his involvement in their lives? Does he care for them by himself when he has them or does he rely on a nanny or babysitter? Also, is this a long distance thing? 1
Gaeta Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Hell. I don't know. Sometimes one person can be in their 70s but look and act like they are in their 50s I am 50 yo and look younger. When I was dating I had tons of younger men chasing me, from 10 to 15 years younger and I got the history here as my witness. These younger men used to tell me my age didn't matter because I was hot. You know what I replied? SURE I look good and you think it's enough to be together BUT I AM 50 YO IN MY HEAD and inside my body. And this will not change no matter how hot you see outside! I have the experience of a 50 yo, I have the impatience of a 50 yo and the expectation of a 50 yo. And even though I keep in shape my body still is 50 years old! I wake up with back ache, my knees hurt, my memory isn't the same, I need more sleep to recuperate, I can't stay up as long as I used to, forget about partying, I can't stand in the sun and the heat the way I used to, after 1 hour out in the sun I become a pain in the neck etc. So having a younger look and a younger attitude does not change the fact we are our age in our head and inside our body! 2
august14 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Wow, this thread blew up. I would bring up the age gap issue if you were 20, but at 29 I don't expect you to be that naive and he's probably not a predator who goes after you because he can't get anyone older than 20 to fall for him. As it is, my main concern (again) would be committing yourself to a relationship where you have to deal with step-kids and an ex-wife. Another poster brought up a good point also: a recently divorced person may not be ready for a new relationship and he may want to jump into a new relationship out of fear of loneliness. We advise young people all the time (young women, mostly) to take some time off and be happy with themselves and figure out what they want, and I don't see why the same cannot be expected from this 44-year-old divorcé. Still, your last few replies give the impression that you really want this man and you ultimately don't care about the naysayers. If so, then no further discussion is needed. 1
sc0316 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 At your age, I wouldn't sign up for this whole package. You can still find someone to start a family of your own from scratch. I'm not saying you can't love his kids like your own, but his ex is always their mother - you'll have all the responsibilities of a parent without having a say in most decisions regarding his kids. If you were 10 years older (irrespective of your guy's age) and if the kids were older (preferably in their teens at least), then I would think differently. After reading your updates, I wanted to add that I don't see any issue if you just want to have some fun casually with this guy, to realize your unfulfilled college girl fantasy ;-) But he doesn't seem to be great long-term material for you. 2
Author lillymae1010 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Still, your last few replies give the impression that you really want this man and you ultimately don't care about the naysayers. If so, then no further discussion is needed. I know what I "want" I just don't know if it's what I "need" (thanks RollingStones). I admit I do have a tendency to get defensive when people assume they know the answer but I have to remind myself that I asked the question in the first place. So far I'm comfortable to take the time away from him for as long as I need (for me). If he doesn't want to stick around then that's his choice and I'm willing to risk it. At least I think so ...yes. Pretty sure... We shall see
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) I know what I "want" I just don't know if it's what I "need" (thanks RollingStones). Welcome to life Still haven't answered why you didn't hook up with him back in the day when you had an attraction. Was he involved with someone at the time? Edited August 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio 1
Author lillymae1010 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Welcome to life Still haven't answered why you didn't hook up with him back in the day when you had an attraction. Was he involved with someone at the time? Hah! I remember when having pimples felt like life was hard. There were a lot of questions tied within the feedback so I may have skipped over a few. In regards to yours, he was my professor. Plus I was 20ish. We went for lunch and honestly I don't really remember after that. I was so busy with college and the idea of a relationship was never my focus. Also nothing physical ever happened. We never even talked about it directly...it was just there. Last week I asked him if he remembered what (didn't) happen. He said that he had casually proposed dinner but I apparently avoided answering the question at least in his mind. He said that response on top of already feeling like he was being inappropriate made him back off. And then within that same year he got offered a better job across the country.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Hah! I remember when having pimples felt like life was hard. Ya know...? There were a lot of questions tied within the feedback so I may have skipped over a few. In regards to yours, he was my professor. Plus I was 20ish. We went for lunch and honestly I don't really remember after that. I was so busy with college and the idea of a relationship was never my focus. Also nothing physical ever happened. We never even talked about it directly...it was just there. Last week I asked him if he remembered what (didn't) happen. He said that he had casually proposed dinner but I apparently avoided answering the question at least in his mind. He said that response on top of already feeling like he was being inappropriate made him back off. And then within that same year he got offered a better job across the country. Thank you for the response. I mean...it sounds like you definitely have some "unfinished" business there and at your age one way or another we've all experienced the "older man" crush and full experience. I had my older man experience at 26. I could barely commit to guys my own age let alone someone 15 yrs older than me and it was short lived, all I could think about was his kids and divorce and I really did not want to deal with that in my 20's. I met my first long term live-in relationship shortly after that with someone my age. You will make the right choice for you, love can certainly happen at any age regardless of the circumstances and if it feels like the perfect match in every sense then those outside things can and will be worked through, with a lot of work but they can be worked through. It's smart of you to consider all angles. Good luck in what you decide 2
DramaInPajamas Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 too much baggage. also women in their forties are still in their prime. I mean who wants to be with a man pushing 60 at that age.
Bialy Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Honestly, the more I think about this, his age is less of an issue, IMO. As long you know and are OK with the possibility of not growing old with him, though it's still possible to be married for 20+ years, despite that. It hurts to think about that --- having a shorter time with someone than your friends will have with their spouses, BUT you can still have a fulfilling, loving life together. Everyone has their own version and sliver of happiness. Also -- circumstances happen. You never know when someone will pass. This is a risk military wives take with their partners -- police officers' and firemen's wives. Illness can strike anyone at any age. One other thing - If you develop a loving relationship with his children and have one or two more with him, you can create a very happy and satisfying homelife that will carry over even after he passes. It's not all doom and gloom. 2
Mysterio Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 At 45. My age range is 27 at the lowest and 50 at the highest. I feel good. I work out. My stance is this on dating and a LTR. She has to be Single/Widowed/Divorced without kids. Or S/W/D with one kid or two with the same father. She can't be married or have a BF. At 45 I am on the fence with kids. I think a woman that is single with a man that has 2 kids and she wants another one with him. That woman is looking at least a good 25 yrs to raise and launch a child into the world. Sometimes you can't control who you are with. I have a friend who met his GF 3 yrs ago. She came with 2 kids. They had a child in 2015 and are having the second in 2017. By the time Spring of 2017 comes. He will have pets and 4 kids in his household. He really should have sat down with her and both of them layed down ground rules. He went from bachellor to full house in 3 yrs and a lot of it was not planned and thought out. No way is that happening to me. So I have to live within my restrictions. If I had to a project for myself right now. I will make it to early 90's. Get married by my late 40's. 50/50 chance on having one child and step child. I am a very loving and giving person. So I think highly of myself and I want to see every situation coming. I think if you want to be with someone 15 older then fine, but I hope beyond the physical. There is a lot more going on.
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