I'm 29, he's 44 divorced with two kids.

[Lois_Griffin]

LilyMae, don't throw your life away on some middle-aged guy with kids.

 

Unless you've chosen to be childless by choice, your biological clock is gearing up to start ticking. Trust me, it is. Most middle-aged guys with older kids aren't looking to start a second family and certainly aren't looking to return to raising infants. He may very well tell you he'd like more kids in a couple years, but I think that would be a whole lot of lip service he'd be giving you just to hook himself a 29 year old. Then, in 5 or 6 years when you're now in your mid-30's and your time is running out to have those babies because Mr. Midlife Crisis is hemming and hawing about fulfilling that baby promise, you'll be regretting it. That's a promise.

 

I don't understand why you'd be willing to give up what you could have in your life (a husband your own age to grow old with, children of your own, years of family history the two of you could create over the years, etc. etc.) in order to basically fast forward to middle-age and being this guy's caretaker eventually and having to be the caretaker for his kids now when he has them.

 

I just see NO positives for you.

 

I see TONS of positives for HIM, but none for you.

[JoeSmith357-1]

LilyMae, don't throw your life away on some middle-aged guy with kids.

 

 

I find reactions like this pretty comical, and the exact opposite when guys ask about dating single moms... WOW, when the shoe is on the other foot, it's "throwing your life away". Noted.

 

Anyway, the OP has not clarified if she wants her own kids or not, or if HE wants more kids. I think if SHE wants kids, then that age gap is way too much. Like someone else said, he would be 68 when the kid graduates high school. So retiring or retired and still having to pay for college? NO WAY!!!

 

Other comments about a 29 year old dealing with ex'es, other man's kids, etc are valid.

 

I am a 40 year old divorced dude with a teenage son. I will admit kids are "baggage". I love my son, but it IS an obstacle when dating. FOR BOTH sexes. Even moreso for women.

[elaine567]

I find reactions like this pretty comical, and the exact opposite when guys ask about dating single moms... WOW, when the shoe is on the other foot, it's "throwing your life away". Noted.

 

If a 29 yo single guy was asking here about dating a 44yo divorced Mom with 2 kids I think he would get the same reaction, no?

Edited August 15, 2016 by elaine567
clarity

[JuanDelToro]

OP...You should base your decisions on what makes you happy and what you think it'll make you happy in the future.

Contrary to the nonsensical notion that is promoted by certain societal groups these days, the older man/younger women age gap is not a problem and never was. It's the other way around that is problematic.

A man with kids is not a man with baggage, is a man with responsibilities. As long as he has his $hit together and takes care of his business, discrimination against him is awfully biased and irrational.

[JoeSmith357-1]

If a 29 yo single guy was asking here about dating a 44yo divorced Mom with 2 kids I think he would get the same reaction, no?

 

No, I dont think you would, that was my point.

[lillymae1010]

I was in the middle of writing my responses and background story and lost it because the page refreshed.

 

Okay so with the time I have left before going to work which was 5 minutes ago here's what I can respond to for now.

 

 

- Do you want kids of your own? *Yes.

- Does he want more kids? *He said he does.

- If he doesn't, are you potentially willing to forego having your own children so you can build a life with him? *Nope

- Does he want to get married again? Do you want to eventually be married (in general)? *I do and again he says he does

- What's the relationship like between him and his ex-wife? Are they cordial or is it combative? Understand that even if they're great with each other, this woman will potentially be part of your life, too, until the children are of adult age. Cordial but not surprisingly complicated. The kids around 2 and 3.

- Will this guy jive with your family and social circle? This is important in any relationship, but even more so with age-gap relationships. Yes. I'm lucky they are very supportive and above all want me to be happy but also he's a very cordial frenchman so he's kind of hard not to like.

 

Alright I'm going to be late. More later.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Speaking for myself, at that age, I would not want more kids.

 

Putting myself in your shoes, I would ask myself if I would be prepared to financially support my family with my own income for 15 years after my husband retired

 

There's no way in hell I would be having kids at 40, let alone 45. Thinking about it solely from the financial impact side of things, dude will be retiring when the kid is 10 years old. High School is expensive. College is more expensive. How is all of that getting paid for, on top of the 2 kids he already has?

 

Given these clarifications, I think this is the wrong fit.

Edited August 15, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[Blanco]

Those are some young children. What exactly happened to split the parents? I know it's not unheard of for a divorce to be a long time in the making, but I suppose I would also be wondering what happened and if the guy is actually ready for another serious relationship or if he's just really eager to not be "alone."

[Blanco]

Also, at his age, someone around your age is going to be incredibly enticing, especially someone in his position (i.e recently divorced). Meaning, he's going to do and say all he can to appeal to you. At 45, the prospect of having more kids in addition to his already existing two youngsters seems, well, it seems like something most men of that age wouldn't actually want to follow through on when push came to shove.

[ses]

This situation reminds me of the two guys who were interested in me several years ago. I was 25 and childless, and they were both in their early 30's and divorced. I actually wrote a post about one of them, and the general consensus was to not be involved unless I wanted to be a step parent.

 

I'm glad for the advice because I would've regretted it. I had never been in a serious relationship, and was naïve and wholly unprepared to take on these serious responsibilities.

 

In your case, he's significantly older than you and is possibly looking at retirement and putting aside savings for his childrens' college in the future. He might be a great catch but consider your long-term goals and act accordingly.

[aileD]

Ok so you definitely Want kids.

 

He's already 45. Are you going to jump into marriage and kids right away? Let's say you do. You have a kid a year from now. He's 46. He'll be 63 when the kid graduated high school, 70-73 probably by the time the kid gets married.

 

And if you are sensible, get married ...travel a little , buy a house THEN have a kid...so he's sound 50...starting with a newborn....elderly by high school. He will most likely never know his grandkids.

 

Is that what you want for YOUR child?

 

Your parents are still alive. Can you imagine losing them at your age?

 

Doesn't any future child deserve to have a parent that can be there for the long haul?

 

I know I sound cynical and love is love and if you're loved and the kid Is loved who cares right?

 

But if you had to choose (and you get to!) wouldn't you want beyter for our child? A dad that can grow with them. A dad that can not be a burden, a dad that can be there for grandkids and be the Papa..

 

Sigh.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Those are some young children. What exactly happened to split the parents? I know it's not unheard of for a divorce to be a long time in the making, but I suppose I would also be wondering what happened and if the guy is actually ready for another serious relationship or if he's just really eager to not be "alone."

 

Yeah, that bullet point escaped me before. Dude had multiple kids in his 40's... what the hell?

[aileD]

Yeah, that bullet point escaped me before. Dude had multiple kids in his 40's... what the hell?

 

Yeah red flag: the kids are only 2/3 years old which means he couldn't hold a relationship together after adding the stress of having kids.

 

Yet he wants more.

 

Red. Fkng.flag

[JoeSmith357-1]

This situation reminds me of the two guys who were interested in me several years ago. I was 25 and childless, and they were both in their early 30's and divorced. I actually wrote a post about one of them, and the general consensus was to not be involved unless I wanted to be a step parent.

 

I'm glad for the advice because I would've regretted it. I had never been in a serious relationship, and was naïve and wholly unprepared to take on these serious responsibilities.

 

There's a HUGE difference between being 25 and marrying / settling down with someone in their early 30's and the OP's situation of being 29 and wanting to get with a 45 year old with 2 kids...

 

Apples and Oranges

 

In your case, he's significantly older than you and is possibly looking at retirement and putting aside savings for his childrens' college in the future. He might be a great catch but consider your long-term goals and act accordingly.

 

I agree with this point obviously

[Bialy]

Doesn't any future child deserve to have a parent that can be there for the long haul?

 

I know I sound cynical and love is love and if you're loved and the kid Is loved who cares right?

 

But if you had to choose (and you get to!) wouldn't you want beyter for our child? A dad that can grow with them. A dad that can not be a burden, a dad that can be there for grandkids and be the Papa..

 

Sigh.

 

You are being super cynical! It's not all doom and gloom.

 

My maternal grandfather was 42/43 when my aunt and uncle were born. He was a WONDERFUL father to them along with his two children before his wife passed away. He passed away at 88 -- my aunt and uncle were in their 40's.

 

My paternal grandfather was 52 when my father (the youngest) was born. He passed in his 80's when my father was 35. He had wonderful memories with his father!

 

EDIT: As a grandchild, I have great memories with both. One passed when I was 5. The other passed when I was 29.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Bialy

[elaine567]

There's a HUGE difference between being 25 and marrying / settling down with someone in their early 30's and the OP's situation of being 29 and wanting to get with a 45 year old with 2 kids...

Apples and Oranges

 

Not so very different, as it is only partly the age gap that is the issue, it is more about being single and then catapulted into step-parenthood that is the bigger problem.

For the person with the kids, they are very happy, but the reality is that the single person is being asked to sacrifice a lot for someone else's kids.

[Bialy]

Not so very different, as it is only partly the age gap that is the issue, it is more about being single and then catapulted into step-parenthood that is the bigger problem.

For the person with the kids, they are very happy, but the reality is that the single person is being asked to sacrifice a lot for someone else's kids.

Just to add to that - the person with the kids never truly realizes how much the childless partner sacrifices to be with them.

[anika99]

Children are not just kids though, they come with a load of memories, they come with an ex (huge deal for all sorts of reasons), they come with an ex's family and friends, they come with expectations, they come with methods of parenting (sometimes conflicting), they come with emotional problems due to the divorce, they come with their own needs, wants and desires, they come with an expected sacrifice on the part of the care giver...

That is baggage with a capital B.

 

For a single woman there is a huge amount of issues to take on, as well as the added component of just trying to make a new relationship work at the same time.

Women tend to take the brunt of child care, even in 2016, so taking on another woman's kids is not just a paper exercise, it is hard work and accommodating kids often means careers need to be sidelined too.

 

Most people gradually cope with kids, when they become parents, it is a long learning process and happens naturally and the fact that there is a huge parental bond helps immensely. the sacrifices made are seen to be worth it.

 

For a single woman, especially a young single woman suddenly faced with parenthood, there is no natural special bond and no gradual learning process, it is not therefore an easy situation.

There is also the issue of her own kids, are they on the cards or has she to accept that she will never have her own kids (many second time around men do not want any more kids), or if she does have her own kids will they be seen as "lesser" to the original, the proper ones - less money, less love, less care, as that can happen.

 

Many take on another woman's kids as they "love" their man, or they want to be part of some "ideal" ready made family, but the reality is often far from ideal.

Some make it work, others throw in the towel, and some just live in misery.

 

I think life is what you make it and taking on unnecessary baggage in whatever form it takes, is probably best avoided, if you want a happy life.

 

So are you saying that divorced people with children should never fall in love and remarry because that would be imposing their "baggage" on someone else?

 

 

Or are you saying a divorced parent should only remarry another divorced parent? Because that brings up a whole host of new problems.

 

 

Personally I don't see a big deal with the age gap. It's only 15 years and it's not like the OP is some naïve kid fresh out of high school. Maybe I'm biased because I have an aunt that married a man 15 yrs younger than her. She was 45 and he was 30. That was almost 30 yrs ago and they are still happily together. There were a couple of differences though. First of all her children were grown and living independently so they didn't have much of an impact on her married life at all and secondly her husband really never wanted to have children so it was no problem that she wasn't interested or able to give him his own children.

 

 

So it's not the age gap that is of concern to me, it's more the children involved and how young they are. Their mom is going to be super protective of them and there is going to financial demands and time constraints and just a whole host of landmines that are going to potentially explode. The OP really needs to think about those things and consider if she can really handle the situation. I can see her growing very resentful of the kids and the ex wife. Also of concern is that this guy creating two babies in his 40's and then quickly ditched his family to look for greener pastures. Why make babies if you are just going to walk out them right away? Makes me think he is selfish and immature.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Not so very different, as it is only partly the age gap that is the issue, it is more about being single and then catapulted into step-parenthood that is the bigger problem.

For the person with the kids, they are very happy, but the reality is that the single person is being asked to sacrifice a lot for someone else's kids.

 

You are missing a HUGE part of my point...

 

33 year old guy will be 51 when his kid graduates high school, 14-15 years more of good incoming earning potential

45 year old guy will be 63 when his kid graduates high school. Approaching retirement, if not already retired...

 

That's assuming they get right on it and make that baby... plus that guy has 2 of his own already!

 

How are they going to pay for all that?

[anika99]

I was in the middle of writing my responses and background story and lost it because the page refreshed.

 

Okay so with the time I have left before going to work which was 5 minutes ago here's what I can respond to for now.

 

 

- Do you want kids of your own? *Yes.

- Does he want more kids? *He said he does.

- If he doesn't, are you potentially willing to forego having your own children so you can build a life with him? *Nope

- Does he want to get married again? Do you want to eventually be married (in general)? *I do and again he says he does

- What's the relationship like between him and his ex-wife? Are they cordial or is it combative? Understand that even if they're great with each other, this woman will potentially be part of your life, too, until the children are of adult age. Cordial but not surprisingly complicated. The kids around 2 and 3.

- Will this guy jive with your family and social circle? This is important in any relationship, but even more so with age-gap relationships. Yes. I'm lucky they are very supportive and above all want me to be happy but also he's a very cordial frenchman so he's kind of hard not to like.

 

Alright I'm going to be late. More later.

 

 

The more I think about this the more I think this guy is a bad choice for you. Not because of the age gap but more because of his personal situation. He says he wants more kids? Can he financially afford more kids? Can he adequately fund his kids with his ex wife as well as any kids he may have with you? Since he left his first wife when his children were still so young are you prepared to eventually become a single parent yourself? I'm sure he has a very convincing sad story as to why his family broke up because they all do, but there is a very good chance that the same could happen to you and you will be raising your kids without him.

 

 

Also another poster made a good point about his age in relation to his future kids. I'm not ragging on older parents here, nothing is ever perfect and older parents have some qualities and benefits that younger parents do not possess. They are often calmer, have more patience and spend more time with their kids (sometimes the opposite of this happens with age though) but even then there is a price. I have an uncle and a friend that both had older dads. My uncle's dad, my grandpa, was 50 when my uncle was born. My uncle loved his dad but did feel cheated a bit by having an older father and losing his father when he was only 20. Same with my friend. When we were twelve her father was 65 and was pretty much completely out of the loop when it came to his daughter. He spent his evenings reading the paper and turning in early. He didn't relate to her at all and he passed away when she was only 23.

 

 

I think you need to really think long and hard about what you are getting yourself and your future children into here.

[Blanco]

The truth is, it takes a really mindful and compassionate parent to fully appreciate the childless person who comes into their lives and basically assumes the role as a stepparent. Unfortunately, all too often, we see that parents are so accustomed to parenthood life that they almost forget what a stark contrast childless life is by comparison and what a major life sacrifice it is for someone to be a stepparent or even serve as the "missing" bio parent.

[O'Malley]

You're at differing stages of life; he would have more in common with women in their late thirties - forties, someone with younger children. Being that the divorce was in the recent past, he really hasn't had adequate time to find his ground as either a single man or a single parent. I'd be wary if he seems eager to remarry or have more children.

 

Listen to your instincts and don't plunge into anything quickly. There's never a good reason to rush a relationship into marriage and/or children.

[BluEyeL]

I know a couple in an almost identical situation, him significantly older and with two kids and her childless. It worked for them, 10 years later they are still together and she claims she's happy. The guy however made it very clear that he didn't want any other children and he also had a vasectomy. She suffered a bit on that but in the end accepted that kids are not in the cards for her.

 

I don't know, it all depends on the person, what are your goals. I am less worried about the kids per se, more about the different life stages, like others have mentioned.

[Timshel]

This has nothing to do with money so I'll just get that out of the way. It's about making good life decisions and avoiding setting myself up for failure. And to be totally frank, it's also about my fear of missing out on young(ish) love.

 

I can give the full story if you want but I'm curious what general thoughts are on the reality of this type of age difference on top of entering a situation with a divorcee (with kids). I care about him but there are just realities with a 15 year age gap that can't be ignored.

 

 

Anyone with experience who is willing to give their general thoughts?

 

General thought is that you would not post unless this is something you are uneasy with.

 

A forum will allow general consensus..however, your situation is your own and in sun up/sun down and face to face reality.

 

I will personally suggest that the best barometer of any relationship is the ease/flow, are you generally fulfilled and inspired by your partner? Do you find comfort and joy?

 

If you are struggling OP to be content in your relationship, regardless of the dynamics/logistics, then it is best left.

Life is short and although all interactions teach something valuable....a lifetime partner is not a time for overall uncertainty or discord.

 

With the right person, disagreement transitions to compromise. Baggage?? is a flow to the whole person, not an imposition or loss.

 

Every circumstance is unique. Generalizations are useful in broad strokes....if you are comfortable and are loved and want to give it back...your choice.

[gaius]

The truth is, it takes a really mindful and compassionate parent to fully appreciate the childless person who comes into their lives and basically assumes the role as a stepparent. Unfortunately, all too often, we see that parents are so accustomed to parenthood life that they almost forget what a stark contrast childless life is by comparison and what a major life sacrifice it is for someone to be a stepparent or even serve as the "missing" bio parent.

Funny, I feel honored and have a lot of fun getting to spend time with my girlfriend and her kids.

 

I don't really get why so many people think every 40 something is the same, or 20 something. Every 40 something is different. Every 20 and 30 something is different. Sometimes you end up with two people in different age groups that match up particularly well for whatever reason, like my girlfriend and I. Sometimes you get people in the same age group who match up horribly. It's just how life works.

 

I will say though, one way to guarantee you won't get anywhere is to base who you're with on internet statistics. You know better than any of us on here what you two have or don't have. Forget what some number says, if you have something worthwhile and you can agree on a kind of life together then be together. That's the best answer we can really give you.