I'm 29, he's 44 divorced with two kids.

[lillymae1010]

This has nothing to do with money so I'll just get that out of the way. It's about making good life decisions and avoiding setting myself up for failure. And to be totally frank, it's also about my fear of missing out on young(ish) love.

 

I can give the full story if you want but I'm curious what general thoughts are on the reality of this type of age difference on top of entering a situation with a divorcee (with kids). I care about him but there are just realities with a 15 year age gap that can't be ignored.

 

 

Anyone with experience who is willing to give their general thoughts?

[madjac74]

This has nothing to do with money so I'll just get that out of the way. It's about making good life decisions and avoiding setting myself up for failure. And to be totally frank, it's also about my fear of missing out on young(ish) love.

 

I can give the full story if you want but I'm curious what general thoughts are on the reality of this type of age difference on top of entering a situation with a divorcee (with kids). I care about him but there are just realities with a 15 year age gap that can't be ignored.

 

 

Anyone with experience who is willing to give their general thoughts?

 

I'm 42 with 2 kids and just married a 29 year old. I had the same concerns being on the other end of the spectrum. I will give you any help you need...like yoda

[august14]

I think 29 is too young to have to deal with step-kids and an ex-wife. I also think, like you yourself implied, you'd be cheating yourself out of potential relationships with someone who's in the same life stage as you who you can grow with instead of need to catch up with.

[aileD]

I've been doing a lot of research on age gap relationships because my husband is having an affair with a 21 year old (he's 40).

 

Here's some stats. Second marriages tend to fail 67% of the time due to things like dealing with exes and blending families and affairs etc. 10 year age differences have a 40% chance of divorce, 20 year age gaps 95% so At 15 years you're in the middle. Not good stats to start with. When you add them together.

 

Then you run into things like kids. Does he want more kids? Probably not. Do you have kids? Do you want them? My sister did not want kids at all right up until 35...then she suddenly did. How can you be sure that won't be you?

 

Do you want to have kids with a guy who's 50 by then? He'll be 68 by the time the kid graduates. If he's in good health....and you never know.

 

Do you like the same things? Can you have the same friends? Is he in your life now....meaning going to family stuff and hanging out with your friends?

 

Where are you in your career? How does that mesh with his career? He's probably all settled and just working toward retirement...what if you have opportunities to advance that take you away from him?

 

They can work but the stats aren't great but if you go in knowing what you're up agains, you could make it work (don't tell my husband that! )

 

Also when you're 50-60 and looking to retire and enjoy your life he will be too old to do so and you'll be his caretaker. When he's ready to retire and enjoy his life you'll be at the peak of your career. Clash clash clash

Edited August 15, 2016 by aileD

[Emilia]

Women often come to their own when they hit their 30s and 40s. Both sexually and in terms of lifestyle choices, confidence. You will be at your sexual peak in your late 30s, he will be nearing 60...

 

I am 44 now and there is no way I could live with a 60 year-old. When you hit your 50s, he will be on his way to 70.

 

What's the point?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh don't. You are going to make your life much, much harder and more stressful than it needs to be. I am some years older than you and even I wouldn't consider entering into a relationship with 44yo with 2 kids. You will be carrying the leaden weight of his baggage for the rest of your life.

 

The only exception to this is if you feel something like overwhelming once-in-a-lifetime love. The fact that you are even posting this tells me that that's not what you feel.

[Totallyconfusedfla]

I was married to someone 10 years older. Mistake. Everyone I know in the same situation is divorced now or clearly faking happiness in a horrible relationship. Plus the men I know that date women that much younger are never really well adjusted...seems like they are but really aren't. The age Gap will be an issue 100%

[Bialy]

This is how it was for me and my ex - the age difference and the fact that he had two children. You can make it work if you're absolutely in love with him. If you are feeling iffy about him, don't waste his time or your time. It's perfectly OK to have reservations about things at this stage - you're looking at how things might shape up.

 

Does he see a future with you?

 

At 29, you really do need to think about whether you accept him and his baggage (for lack of a better term) - having two kids will affect his lifestyle, budget, holidays, and free time. Are you OK with that?

 

Do you want kids of your own? Does he want more kids? This is something to think about going forward.

[madjac74]

You will be carrying the leaden weight of his baggage for the rest of your life.

 

.

 

his baggage? Why do people equate children with baggage?

[Bialy]

his baggage? Why do people equate children with baggage?

Only in the sense that having children does affect a person's free time, budget, and lifestyle. A better word to use might be responsibilities.

[madjac74]

Only in the sense that having children does affect a person's free time, budget, and lifestyle. A better word to use might be responsibilities.

 

True but some people have worse baggage...maybe they insist on watching "housewives of Atlanta" Kids aren't the only reason that people have time and budget issues

[Bialy]

My 2 cents: I was with my ex for 8 years. I met him when I was 26.

 

Would I do it all over again? Yes. I was naive and young - there are things that I didn't appreciate at the time that looking back were really were positive. I took the situation for granted because I didn't know better. It's not EASY, no relationship is, but it can work if there is a lot of mutual love and you share common life goals.

[Arieswoman]

lillymae1010,

I know of a couple of girls who married guys a fair bit older than themselves. ( 10 years +)

 

In the beginning it was great because they had a guy who was more advanced in his career = earned good money, was mature, stable, sexually aware and experienced in life.

 

They were having all the holidays abroad, the big house and all the material trappings while the rest of us were struggling to get on the property ladder.

 

You say it's not about the money, but that's really all an older man has going for him if you are honest with yourself.

 

Later on on the relationship the age gap will tell, as he starts to slow down physically and starts with ED, prostate trouble and arthritis. Do you want to be a carer or a wife?

 

When you're 60 and still active, he will be 75 and having afternoon naps will be de rigeur. You will also be widowed much earlier.

 

Take care x

[Bialy]

True but some people have worse baggage...maybe they insist on watching "housewives of Atlanta" Kids aren't the only reason that people have time and budget issues

You're comparing apples and oranges, though:

 

Someone who watches trashy TV versus someone who has parental responsibilities.

 

Your example undermines the significance of the children. If the guy is a non-existent father, then, yes, it won't make a difference. However, the the guy lives close to his children and sees them every weekend or every other weekend -- that's significant in the mind of someone without any kids. Already that person has limitations and constraints -- time, flexibility, priorities, financial.

[Blanco]

At your age, the gap matters a bit less than if you were 20 and he were 35. At those ages, you two are worlds apart. There's better chance there's more common ground at your respective ages.

 

In these cases, I find what matters more is where each person is in their lives. That is to say, with regards to career and family.

 

Age-gap relationships are a lot tougher when one party has sort of moved past a life stage (such as going out to loud bars on the weekend), while the other person still wants to do that occasionally.

 

On a more serious front, one party might have children and feel they are done with that stage of their lives, which may not jive with where the other person is with their own wants.

 

Now, that might be bad if it turns out that you two aren't on the same page with some of these things. So ask yourself some of the following:

 

- Do you want kids of your own?

- Does he want more kids?

- If he doesn't, are you potentially willing to forego having your own children so you can build a life with him?

- Does he want to get married again? Do you want to eventually be married (in general)?

- What's the relationship like between him and his ex-wife? Are they cordial or is it combative? Understand that even if they're great with each other, this woman will potentially be part of your life, too, until the children are of adult age.

- Will this guy jive with your family and social circle? This is important in any relationship, but even more so with age-gap relationships.

[madjac74]

You're comparing apples and oranges, though:

 

Someone who watches trashy TV versus someone who has parental responsibilities.

 

Your example undermines the significance of the children. If the guy is a non-existent father, then, yes, it won't make a difference. However, the the guy lives close to his children and sees them every weekend or every other weekend -- that's significant in the mind of someone without any kids. Already that person has limitations and constraints -- time, flexibility, priorities, financial.

 

Yes it was a bad example...but i am saying that everyone has responsibilities...even the 29 yr old that the 44 yr old would have to adapt to. Love knows no bounds

[madjac74]

I agree it is the stereotype that young women hook up with older guys for financial reasons but ...it isn't necessarily the standard

[Blanco]

Now, for my personal example:

 

I have an ex who's about my age (early thirties) currently involved with a man in his mid-40s. He was not yet divorced when they started up (though it was in progress) and she was the pursuer.

 

She's a strikingly good looking woman, and has never had trouble finding a guy. This guy is... fairly average, but definitely showing his years. So on paper, from a superficial aspect, they are a poor match. To look at them together, you would automatically assume that he has money. And that's a fair assessment, because he's loaded.

 

He pays more in child support and alimony than a lot of guys our age make annually, to put it in perspective. She's not the archetypal gold-digger or anything, but she's a bit more emotionally unavailable, so I recall thinking even when we were together how if we split, I saw her eventually ending up with a wealthy guy. Her "jokes" about having everything she wanted from life except a "rich old guy" look a little less amusing now, regardless.

 

Now, there is some common ground. He has two children and so does she, though hers are obviously much younger. She doesn't want more kids, which works well for him, since I would assume he's done at this point. She's not much interested in marriage, which may work well for him, since he likely still has a bit of a bad taste in his mouth from his previous marriage. So right there, they've sidestepped a couple of major things that often play a factor in age-gap relationships.

 

I don't keep in touch with her anymore, so I have no idea how their relationship is progressing, but I believe they're still together. Not knowing what they ultimately want from the relationship long-term, it seems to be working for the both of them right now. Time will tell, of course, but that's true of any relationship.

[Bialy]

Yes it was a bad example...but i am saying that everyone has responsibilities...even the 29 yr old that the 44 yr old would have to adapt to. Love knows no bounds

 

It's about love and compatibility.

 

You're really trying to downplay the significance of children. Is this because they don't play a key role in your life? My ex was a very involved father - emotionally and financially.

 

The OP does not have any children. If she did, a lot of us might be offering different feedback based on that.

 

Paying a bill or going to work everyday or visiting an ill parent or washing dishes --- these are all responsibilities, but you can't compare these to parental responsibilities.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm 29, he's 44 divorced with two kids.

 

 

i just saw this situation on a reality show. old guy lookin for a nanny/mom.

 

which is fine.

 

hell, a little money aint bad either. anyone that tells you different either hasn't got any money or lost it all.

 

i came very close to your situation once, till i decided that husbands, children and orgasms are a lot alike, everyone wants their own.

 

 

 

 

good luck

[Blanco]

Baggage is probably too harsh to describe innocent children. However, it cannot be denied that even the best-behaved children are a major impact on a relationship. Even more so when one of the involved parties isn't the biological parent.

 

Children from previous relationships can directly affect a lot of things, including the bio parent's desire/willingness to have any with the new partner. If the OP sees herself having children at some point and this guy is done spreading his seed, then yes, that presents a likely problem that isn't going away.

[Blanco]

I guess being an older dad made me too involved

 

It's good to have insights from someone basically on the other side of a situation similar to the OP's. However, it seems like you've come into the discussion on the defense. I understand, since you're basically a living, breathing example of what is often the exception to the rule.

 

That being said, I don't think it's unfair for people to chime in and warn the OP of the potential and very likely pratfalls of embarking on such a relationship. Because, after all, even though people such as yourself are exceptions to the rule, there's still the majority of those who aren't.

Edited August 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Children are not just kids though, they come with a load of memories, they come with an ex (huge deal for all sorts of reasons), they come with an ex's family and friends, they come with expectations, they come with methods of parenting (sometimes conflicting), they come with emotional problems due to the divorce, they come with their own needs, wants and desires, they come with an expected sacrifice on the part of the care giver...

That is baggage with a capital B.

 

For a single woman there is a huge amount of issues to take on, as well as the added component of just trying to make a new relationship work at the same time.

Women tend to take the brunt of child care, even in 2016, so taking on another woman's kids is not just a paper exercise, it is hard work and accommodating kids often means careers need to be sidelined too.

 

Most people gradually cope with kids, when they become parents, it is a long learning process and happens naturally and the fact that there is a huge parental bond helps immensely. the sacrifices made are seen to be worth it.

 

For a single woman, especially a young single woman suddenly faced with parenthood, there is no natural special bond and no gradual learning process, it is not therefore an easy situation.

There is also the issue of her own kids, are they on the cards or has she to accept that she will never have her own kids (many second time around men do not want any more kids), or if she does have her own kids will they be seen as "lesser" to the original, the proper ones - less money, less love, less care, as that can happen.

 

Many take on another woman's kids as they "love" their man, or they want to be part of some "ideal" ready made family, but the reality is often far from ideal.

Some make it work, others throw in the towel, and some just live in misery.

 

I think life is what you make it and taking on unnecessary baggage in whatever form it takes, is probably best avoided, if you want a happy life.

[lillymae1010]

hold up!!!

 

I just got back on my computer and am still absorbing everyone's input so please be patient with me as I process before responding because there is a lot of insightful feedback here.

 

In the meantime stop fighting!! I came on here to solve problems not create new ones.

Edited August 15, 2016 by lillymae1010

[Eternal Sunshine]

Children are not just kids though, they come with a load of memories, they come with an ex (huge deal for all sorts of reasons), they come with an ex's family and friends, they come with expectations, they come with methods of parenting (sometimes conflicting), they come with emotional problems due to the divorce, they come with their own needs, wants and desires, they come with an expected sacrifice on the part of the care giver...

That is baggage with a capital B.

 

For a single woman there is a huge amount of issues to take on, as well as the added component of just trying to make a new relationship work at the same time.

Women tend to take the brunt of child care, even in 2016, so taking on another woman's kids is not just a paper exercise, it is hard work and accommodating kids often means careers need to be sidelined too.

 

Most people gradually cope with kids, when they become parents, it is a long learning process and happens naturally and the fact that there is a huge parental bond helps immensely. the sacrifices made are seen to be worth it.

 

For a single woman, especially a young single woman suddenly faced with parenthood, there is no natural special bond and no gradual learning process, it is not therefore an easy situation.

There is also the issue of her own kids, are they on the cards or has she to accept that she will never have her own kids (many second time around men do not want any more kids), or if she does have her own kids will they be seen as "lesser" to the original, the proper ones - less money, less love, less care, as that can happen.

 

Many take on another woman's kids as they "love" their man, or they want to be part of some "ideal" ready made family, but the reality is often far from ideal.

Some make it work, others throw in the towel, and some just live in misery.

 

I think life is what you make it and taking on unnecessary baggage in whatever form it takes, is probably best avoided, if you want a happy life.

 

100% agree with this. Best post ever!