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Are you a bad person if you break up with someone because they were raped?

dklaw

By dklaw
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

 

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

 

 

 

Hoooooooooooow does this OP not include the fact that the girl is pregnant?

 

 

That the poster conveniently omitted that critical bit of data assures that he didn't even ask the central question.

 

 

SO... the OP had unprotected sex with the girl one night, and she was raped by multiple men the next day, and a pregnancy has resulted, with of course nobody knowing who is the bio father-to-be.

 

She will reportedly carry the child to term and give it up for adoption.

 

 

The timing of these questions seems so random. The idea of walking away from your pregnant girlfriend who may, still, be carrying your child, remains absurd, even if she was raped.

 

 

The timing matches somebody who may have been hoping the girlfriend would consider an abortion, and not been willing to go through with the idea... because if it was just about the rape itself, why now?

 

 

In most cases, the circle of "bad people" in this world greatly overlaps the circle of people who break-up with their 3-months-pregnant girlfriend.

 

That does not guarantee that you are a bad person, it just lets others assess the probabilities more clearly.

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dklaw Member

dklaw

Posted
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Hopefully you learned your lesson in regards to unprotected sex, that is all I will say.

 

I honestly don't want anything to do with this baby, unless she keeps it and it's mine. I don't know if I will want to know the DNA results if she is giving it away. Why put that on myself, if it is mine? I won't be the kids father, DNA doesn't matter.

 

Hoooooooooooow does this OP not include the fact that the girl is pregnant?

 

I didn't feel like getting judged for it. People (rightfully so) judge the sh*t out of unprotected sex. It's done, I can't go back and change it. I have had a hard time deciding which route to take. Tell people it's my child, even if it's not. Or tell people it's some rapists baby, even if it's mine.

 

She is giving it away for adoption. There is no real need for me to stay in her life. Yea, someone is a bad person if they leave their pregnant girlfriend and she has to raise that kid alone. She isn't raising it, she is giving it to someone else. She has met with adoption counselors a few times already and looking at families.

 

Why now? This happened 3 month ago, a long 3 months ago. It has been a hard road. I'm not able to help her or be there for her in the way she needs. I didn't know how long she would be hurting, I hoped some progress would be made but none has.

 

Of course I hoped she would abort, who wouldn't? She was raped. Much higher chance that child is a rapists spawn. Even if it is mine, she is in no place to take care of a child in her current mindset. We haven't been together long, either, and are not financially ready. Having this baby is going to make her life so much harder. She has to deal with what happened her whole pregnancy, give birth to a rapists kid (probably) and give it away, always knowing that kid is out there.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted
I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

 

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

 

You might ought to also be in therapy about why it's such a big deal to you if a woman has had other partners.

 

If you try to stay together, you are going to have to get in therapy with her and see if you can talk about all this. She is legitimately insulted that you now find her "sullied." And that's on you. But if you can't get past it through therapy, you need to move on and let her heal. But make no mistake, that's your problem. She has her own problems, but a normal person wouldn't feel she's now dirty. And she knows you do because she knows you.

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dklaw Member

dklaw

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You might ought to also be in therapy about why it's such a big deal to you if a woman has had other partners.

 

If you try to stay together, you are going to have to get in therapy with her and see if you can talk about all this. She is legitimately insulted that you now find her "sullied." And that's on you. But if you can't get past it through therapy, you need to move on and let her heal. But make no mistake, that's your problem. She has her own problems, but a normal person wouldn't feel she's now dirty. And she knows you do because she knows you.

 

It's not a big deal if she has *some* other partners. It's when said woman has *willingly* slept with 10, 20, 30, 40 men. I am not the type of guy to run around screwing everything, and I want a woman who is on the same level as me and has the share thoughts and morals.

 

I *do not* think she is used, or dirty.

  • Like 1
dpass Established Member

dpass

Posted
Posted
I have had a hard time deciding which route to take. Tell people it's my child, even if it's not. Or tell people it's some rapists baby, even if it's mine.

 

Or you know, you could just tell the truth.

 

She is giving it away for adoption. There is no real need for me to stay in her life. Yea, someone is a bad person if they leave their pregnant girlfriend and she has to raise that kid alone. She isn't raising it, she is giving it to someone else. She has met with adoption counselors a few times already and looking at families.

 

Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, is set in stone. She can have the family chosen and still change her mind. Heck, she can send the baby home with the new parents and still change her mind in a certain time frame. Until the child is born, the paperwork is signed and filed, everything is up in the air.

 

She has to deal with what happened her whole pregnancy, give birth to a rapists kid (probably) and give it away, always knowing that kid is out there.

 

Not so fast. Depending on when she ovulated you could have a much higher or much lower chance at being daddy. The egg has a very short lifespan. You cannot just look at it like "Kk, there are 7 sperm donors so that means there is a 14.28% chance that I'm a dad".

luvintheuk Member

luvintheuk

Posted
Posted

You are never a bad person to break up with anyone, your worse off leading them on or playing with them. By breaking it off with someone and letting them go, you are not wasting their time and that is something positive. You are setting them free and enabling them to find better. The easier and cleaner the break, the more straight up you are then the better it is in the long run.

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
People (rightfully so) judge the sh*t out of unprotected sex.

 

 

 

Uh, no they don't !

 

Where did you get that crazy notion??

 

 

You need only look around any high school to see that it is only those who fall pregnant that get judged.

 

Otherwise it would be stupid to judge the pregnant ones when there is rampant, unprotected sex going on all around. The judging is more like a lottery than a response founded in common sense.

 

 

The very fact that you left out the key element to your whole question shows that you already knew the answers when you began to write.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted (edited)

If you want to break up with her, it is best to do it. That is if you want to.

 

I think you need to bear in mind that this is a very complex situation emotionally for both of you. She has got trauma and also an unplanned pregnancy to deal with. You have also been impacted with helping her to cope and the unplanned pregnancy.

 

The thing is that everything works on two levels: there is the conscious, rational debate going on in your head and there is the unconscious automatic reaction that you would struggle to control. We all know that rape does not mean someone has willingly chosen several partners - it goes without saying - but what is your unconscious mind telling you? There may well be a conflict there. That is not your fault and it is not her fault: it is something that is influencing your decision-making. This is why you may wish to consider therapy yourself, so you can deal with these conflicts and come to some kind of terms with them. Whether you choose to do this while being with her or not is up to you.

 

It sounds as though you and she were not in a committed relationship as you saw it, but having fun. When it all became very serious and with a pregnancy on top of the trauma, it is a whole different situation. For both of you, your minds must be reeling trying to process all this. You may want to walk away and not deal with her situation but you may also be trying to get away from your own conflicted and scared feelings.

 

I say the above because you might want to contemplate this before taking any action. Don't assume that because you weren't the one who was raped that you do not need to process things too. If you were in love with this girl, you'll probably want to help her and stay with her. If it was more of a casual thing, then who knows? Either way, emotionally you have a lot to work through too. People can be traumatised themselves by witnessing trauma, the after-effects, or by hearing descriptions. Don't assume that you should be able to deal with it easily because you are a guy. I can see you are thinking about how to deal with all this and do care about this girl. It's not easy to be a grown up when you are emotionally torn to shreds.

Edited by spiderowl
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You're not the kind of man any woman or child needs in their life, so by all means abandon her at the biggest crisis of her life and let her know that it's not just rapists who can be uncaring and cruel. In the long run you'll be doing her a favor, and the child.

  • 4 months later...
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dklaw Member

dklaw

Posted
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Posted

I've been with her for a year, technically. She thinks it's more of a relationship than I do. She's let herself believe that I want to be with her and that we can have a relationship. I'm trying to stand by her until this process is done and the baby is handed over to the parents.

 

Last week she had her baby and it was 1 month premature. She had a family lined up to adopt the baby and they backed out because the baby was early and it has a minor birth defect. It doesn't have thumbs and just because of that and being early they backed out. Now she has to try and find another family that will take the baby, while it's already here. Apparently it's not easy to find a family that wants a "sick" baby. She's having a hard time because she wanted to just have the baby then immediately hand it over. She didn't want to see it or hold it. She hasn't gone to see it because she says she won't be able to go through with the adoption if she does but it's really hurting her that the baby is alone at the hospital. It can go home soon and doesn't have a home to go to. She just sits in the hospital all day but won't go in to see it.

 

I can tell she wants me to say to keep it. I don't want a kid. Whether it's mine biologically or not I don't want it. She can keep it if she wants but I don't want to be involved. She hasn't done a DNA test and still doesn't want to. She doesn't want to know that it's a "rape baby".

 

Do I just step away now? I don't want a kid. What she does with it at this point doesn't concern me. She doesn't think she can be a good parent if she's single and isn't worthy of a baby. She can thank her parents for that train of thought, that only couples can successfully raise a child. Her family has said that if she's single and brings the baby home then she's on her own totally. She won't be welcome in their home or for their support. I can tell that she wants it, but she has no way to properly care for it.

 

Or do I wait until it's gone? There has to be someone out there that will take it.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

If I'm honest, I'm appalled at your attitude about multiple partners. These weren't partners. She was gang-raped. So stop equating the two or go talk to a rape counselor about that or a shrink because you are so out of line thinking she has now had multiple partners -- AND there's nothing wrong with multiple partners anyway! You're very immature for that attitude and I'm really mad at you for it.

 

That said, you are no good for her now with your narrow minded phobias and attitudes, so tell her you're not man enough to be able to handle a mature situation and get out of her life so she can heal.

  • Like 1
Pugwash Member

Pugwash

Posted
Posted
I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

 

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

 

Firstly that's very tough on your girlfriend and I wish her all the best on her road to recovery.

 

Dude, if you really like or love this girl, then make her feel special!

 

Forget the sexual side of things for a while and treat her like a princess, with dates, listen to her at every possible stage and assure her that you will protect her.

 

My ex was raped by her granddad :mad: when she was only a few years old, I still think to this day her head is completely messed up over it, hence her aggression issues and not being able to communicate properly.

 

In truth your missus might never get over that ordeal "but" all you can do is try and believe me if you think she's worth it, then at least try all you can.

 

Something so small as a love letter expressing your feelings for her and that you will protect her at all costs, with a single rose or something along those lines could make her open to you!

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dklaw Member

dklaw

Posted
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This was updated a couple posts up.

 

If I'm honest, I'm appalled at your attitude about multiple partners. These weren't partners. She was gang-raped. So stop equating the two or go talk to a rape counselor about that or a shrink because you are so out of line thinking she has now had multiple partners -- AND there's nothing wrong with multiple partners anyway! You're very immature for that attitude and I'm really mad at you for it.

 

That said, you are no good for her now with your narrow minded phobias and attitudes, so tell her you're not man enough to be able to handle a mature situation and get out of her life so she can heal.

 

I am man enough to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it.

 

Firstly that's very tough on your girlfriend and I wish her all the best on her road to recovery.

 

Dude, if you really like or love this girl, then make her feel special!

 

I don't like or love her. That ship sailed and is beyond return. Maybe we could have worked out but this happened too soon into the relationship and I'm not raising a rapists baby.

grays Established Member

grays

Posted
Posted

What I'm really shocked over here is her family. It's unbelievable to me that parents would disown a child bc she kept a baby in these circumstances. I'm horrified.

 

OP, I think you need to just go on your way. I don't think you being there could be helping her. She needs to know the reality of her situation.

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