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Are you a bad person if you break up with someone because they were raped?

dklaw

By dklaw
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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dklaw Member

dklaw

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I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

 

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

runup Member

runup

Posted
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It comes down to how much you care for and see a future with her. If you believe in a future, it makes sense to stick around and support her. If you don't see it, then of course it's in both of your best interests that you split. She's definitely going through a tough time, don't stay because you don't want to "make it tougher". No one actually thinks about their past exs who dumped them and thought... "I wish he/she kept me around for a couple extra months even though they knew they'd break up with me".

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

 

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

 

You should step back and simply be her friend. Don't abandon. This will be a long period of recovery for her and every time she is triggered she will be set back. Anything remotely sexual for her will be a trigger. Each time intimacy is attempted, she will be brought back to the "event" and starting over with recovery every single time. She will never be able to move forward. She will be stuck in that moment for a long, long time.

 

She does not need a man right now, she needs friends.

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aileD Established Member

aileD

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You should step back and simply be her friend. Don't abandon. This will be a long period of recovery for her and every time she is triggered she will be set back. Anything remotely sexual for her will be a trigger. Each time intimacy is attempted, she will be brought back to the "event" and starting over with recovery every single time. She will never be able to move forward. She will be stuck in that moment for a long, long time.

 

She does not need a man right now, she needs friends.

 

This this this.

 

Don't abandon her, it will just make her feel like she's damaged goods now and unworthy of love.

 

Be her friend. Her support when she needs it

whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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Interesting thread. I agree with everything that's been said. But....where I'm having difficulty is seeing with what's been said is how being her friend after being lovers would be any different now than before. It wouldn't...would it? Very difficult to be friends with a former lover. And the OP is essentially asking (correct me if I'm wrong) if it's wrong for him to move on.

 

I don't know of there is a right or wrong answer. That kind of trauma....its a game changer for her. As for you....it's enough to make a man stop and think...and maybe reevaluate just how committed to a woman a man needs to be before having sex with her. I know it does me.

 

I do not believe a man owes anyone his right to happiness. And staying and dating other women would do her (nor you) any favors (wouldn't work).

 

We live and learn....and hopefully, we learn from our mistakes. And mistakes...we all make them. And we all hurt others. It's such a tragic situation.

 

On a related topic...my aunt married an airline pilot. They moved to Washington state. Were married for almost 9 years when they were in a car wreck which left my aunt in a coma from which she never recovered. This was 45 years ago...before the days of living wills. She lived another 9 years in a coma. He left her after 5 years. Everyone in my family judged him harshly for this. I saw it differently....

 

Good luck in whatever you do.

 

Let me be more direct. I don't believe you're a bad person if you leave. Good luck.

Edited by whatnot
dpass Established Member

dpass

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Ok, my girlfriend was raped over 10 years ago and she has problems with it to this day. Not all women do, some move on quickly, some take time, some never fully recover. It depends on the woman.

 

If you cannot deal with it or do not want to deal with it, then take your exit now. The longer that you stick around the harder it will be on her. Coming from what my GF has said, don't tell her it's because she was raped that won't help her mindset.

fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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To talk about not liking it when a woman has had alot of partners, when that same woman has been raped....

 

Come on man, thats not too cool. Your priority should be the fact she's been raped, not the amount of consensual partners she's had.

 

If you feel you can't handle the situation, be a friend to her if you can and move on with your life.

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joyful Established Member

joyful

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does she want to stay in the relationship with you?

 

some of the things she says make it sound like the pressure of meeting the emotional and sexual needs of a boyfriend after such terrible trauma might be too much for her. maybe you can have a frank conversation about what she wants/needs and what you want/need. it might turn out that ending the romantic part of your connection would be best for both of you...

Sunnymae Established Member

Sunnymae

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These rapist have definitely caused great emotional distress for this girl. She needs someone who is loving and understanding. If you see a future with her, and truly care about her then I would suggest counseling for you as well. Stepping back is fine, but when you say you feel like moving on then it sounds like you are not to emotionally invested in her. You moving on will definitely cause her more undue suffering. You say that you don't want her to think you abandoned her! But actually that's what you're thinking of doing. IF you had such amazing relationship, and you leave her at her time of need you're blowing any chance of ever getting back what you had with her. But, if you wait it out, and work through it, I'm sure in time she'll heal from this and you'll be able to have that awesome relationship you had prior to her assault. But, don't stay with her out of guilt, only if you have true feelings for her and see a future, otherwise you'll start feeling resentment, and hurt her even more down road.

Edited by Sunnymae
carhill Established Member

carhill

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I have been dating a girl for around 8 months and almost 3 months ago she was raped by a group of 6 guys on her university campus. Before that happened everything between us was great. Now - understandably - not so much. She says she wants to be with me, but that I should leave her and find someone better. She says she is disgusting and that she will only bring me down and ruin my life.
My sympathies. That's tough. Her feelings are valid and IME they can take a long time to work through. Her pushing you away is a normal and protective reaction, part emotional and part logical. She's not using you for a punching bag or therapist, apparently, and that speaks volumes regarding her care for you.

 

I'm 26 (she's a bit younger) and it's a lot to handle right now in such a new relationship. Another issue is that I have never enjoyed being with a woman who had a lot of partners. I just don't feel I line up with them well. Of course rape does NOT count in that at all, but she seems to think it does and that makes her think I won't like her anymore.

 

You're both young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Expect your viewpoints on life and relationships to change. However, what you feel now is what you feel now. The future is unknown.

 

She doesn't really want me to touch her at all. She even has a hard time eating because she has an aversion to things in her mouth. She IS in therapy and seeing a sexual assault therapist but there is no magic pill.

Yep, and hopefully she has a supportive family and social group, in addition to a competent psychologist. These things take time.

I feel like I need to step back and move on. Everything was amazing before this happened, but that was the past now. But I feel like a terrible person for doing so and don't want her to think I abandoned her.

 

IMO, make a choice, stick with it and have an open mind for the future. There's no 100% answer here. To put some numbers to it, nearly 40% of the time you've been in this relationship you've been dealing with a rape victim. That's close to half of a very young relationship.

 

I was married for a decade or so to a rape victim who also had an abortion as a result of it. Even as a mature, older woman who had a lot of therapy she still had triggers decades later. Everyone is different. However, IME with the women I've been intimate with in life, if they've had trauma at a young age those emotional memories can be quite persistent, more so than events happening later in life. They process things differently.

 

If you do break up, don't be surprised if she starts dating someone else nearly immediately. I know that sounds contradictory to her pushing you away as a man but you're a reminder of, and perhaps even a trigger, for the feelings she's apparently demonstrating. A new guy will be, or can be, a fresh start.

 

Do what you need to do for you, communicate it clearly and calmly, and accept the results. If you remain, accept how things are now, establish your own boundaries of what you'll accept and remain in the future and do your part as the team member you've chosen to be. You won't get a cookie at the end of life for your sacrifices, if any. Your reward is living. Good luck.

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privategal Established Member

privategal

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I do think you should break up stating "you need to focus on therapy, healing, and be with close friends and family, we both need some time and I think it is best for me at this time to end this. I am truly sorry you are hurting, and if you need anything ever, I'd like to be there as your friend after we've taken a few months apart for both of our wellbeing"

No matter what, you cannot be friends right away.

Let her go and count on her close circle of friends and family.

Usually I recommend blocking immediately but in her case make sure you give closure and answer all her questions.

Be honest "I've been overwhelmed by this and it has been difficult to know how to be there for you, I realize your health comes first and I'm stepping back to allow you to clear your mind from thinking of our relationship so you can focus all your head space on putting yourself first now"

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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Stepping back is fine, but when you say you feel like moving on then it sounds like you are not to emotionally invested in her. You moving on will definitely cause her more undue suffering. You say that you don't want her to think you abandoned her! But actually that's what you're thinking of doing.

 

It's not that simple.

 

She is severely traumatized, understandably, and exactly what that means isn't known precisely. It's a horrible thing to have happen, obviously. He can acknowledge all of that and be kind, understanding, as empathic as possible... But, it doesn't equate to moral/ethical obligation. If they (one or both) understand that the relationship cannot work, they aren't ethically bound.

 

It's likely that they can no longer meet each other's needs through romantic involvement. There's no shame in admitting that. It seems like she may recognize it already.

 

It may be better for both of you to try and heal separately (he experience a loss too, although not comparable to her's). I'm not advising you to do that, only saying that you don't need to stay because of guilt, shame, etc. if healing separately is the better choice.

Edited by salparadise
privategal Established Member

privategal

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8 months is still in many ways the getting to know each other honeymoon stage.

He has not been in her life for years and years and In my opinion it's cruel to stay with her and string her along out of guilt.

Essentially that's lying.

I do not think staying together is owed to her or is his responsibility. Just let her go kindly. Do not reach out to her after you break up with her

At all. Truly let her heal and go NC.

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ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

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Wow. A rapist is NOT a partner, and that was a sick comment. I hope you've never said that to her.

 

Go to a therapy session with her and discuss how to end the relationship without her feeling like it's because of her situation.

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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I find her comments.....odd. Of course, there's no textbook responses from a rape victim.

 

What happened with this rape? Did she report it to the police? We're the people involved arrested?

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dklaw Member

dklaw

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I don't know if we could go to being friends, especially right away. I think I'd have to fully step out of the picture. But I can't really do that right now because of a related issue, which may or may not be an issue, I don't know.

 

I don't want her to think it's because she was raped, it's not. It's because she needs time to process and deal with it and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm man enough to deal with it. I can try all I want, but at the end of the day I don't know what I'm doing.

 

To talk about not liking it when a woman has had alot of partners, when that same woman has been raped....

 

Come on man, thats not too cool. Your priority should be the fact she's been raped, not the amount of consensual partners she's had.

 

Wow. A rapist is NOT a partner, and that was a sick comment. I hope you've never said that to her.

 

I said this BEFORE she was raped. When we first were getting to know each other I said it, she felt the same way. She was raped afterwards and now she thinks those 6 men count in her "number". I don't at all. But she says that "puts her in the double digits" and I won't like her anymore or respect her as much. I reassure her every time that it's not true at all.

 

I find her comments.....odd. Of course, there's no textbook responses from a rape victim.

 

What happened with this rape? Did she report it to the police? We're the people involved arrested?

 

She did report it to the police, only because campus security was called who called the police. She has said she probably wouldn't have if they didn't do it for her. She didn't know their names and the assault happened at night in an area that cameras couldn't really reach. So no one was arrested. She did go through the getting a rape kit done.

 

The campus is trying to get other women to come forward if they have been raped or know anything. The police have the rape kit with "samples" so I guess they could match it if any of them are caught. Though I really don't know how that works when 6 men... left their semen in the same place.

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dpass Established Member

dpass

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I don't know if we could go to being friends, especially right away. I think I'd have to fully step out of the picture. But I can't really do that right now because of a related issue, which may or may not be an issue, I don't know.

 

What does that even mean?

 

...no one was arrested. She did go through the getting a rape kit done. Though I really don't know how that works when 6 men... left their semen in the same place.

 

Based on what I know from my girlfriend, yours probably will always feel a bit uneasy with her rapists out there. Rape kits can differentiate between DNA samples. If she had 6 rapists and, as you said, they all ejaculated in her I'm assuming with no condoms. Best make sure she gets her STD/HIV tests. I believe HIV can be tested shortly after the rape, then you are supposed to be re-tested in 6 months and 12 months. Don't hold me to that, my memory is foggy.

 

She didn't get pregnant did she?

privategal Established Member

privategal

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There isn't anything wrong with bring mature enough to admit you are many enough to handle it.

So tell her. Just let her know you need to break up for her sake and yours and that you care about her and her wellbeing but it's over and you are sorry and hope she will be ok. Then do not reach out, if you need to make sure she will be ok let her Mom or sister or best friend know about the breakup and that for your own healing (and hers) you won't be able to keep in touch with her at this time and that she will need emotional support. Just a heads up if you will.

You've got to just tell her now. You don't even have to comment on the rape...just, I need to end things.

Edited by privategal
NTV Established Member

NTV

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Just tell her the truth. You aren't experienced enough to know how to be in a relationship that has this kind of context, and that it scares the bejesus out of you.

 

 

And for the love of everything pure in this world, do not ever use the words 'damaged goods' even if she does. Maybe she is maybe she isn't. Trauma does strange things to people for a long time.

 

 

There's several other threads here from men who are seeing/engaged/married to a woman that has been raped. Read them. Heck, read them with her. She should be able to focus on healing first, and not worry about you or dating or not being wanted.

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dklaw Member

dklaw

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Based on what I know from my girlfriend, yours probably will always feel a bit uneasy with her rapists out there.

 

She didn't get pregnant did she?

 

She does say she will never relax with them out there. She doesn't want to go back to school in the fall - at all. She is registered but doesn't want to go, she wants me to go with her because we have classes at the same times.

 

She is.

 

Then do not reach out, if you need to make sure she will be ok let her Mom or sister or best friend know about the breakup.

 

Yeah, I would want to know how she is doing. You're right about asking someone else who is close to her, to keep us separate for now.

 

Just tell her the truth. You aren't experienced enough to know how to be in a relationship that has this kind of context, and that it scares the bejesus out of you.

 

And for the love of everything pure in this world, do not ever use the words 'damaged goods' even if she does. Maybe she is maybe she isn't. Trauma does strange things to people for a long time.

 

There's several other threads here from men who are seeing/engaged/married to a woman that has been raped. Read them. Heck, read them with her. She should be able to focus on healing first, and not worry about you or dating or not being wanted.

 

I have been reading a lot lately. It seems like it's going to be a long, long road and I don't think I am the right person to handle it. I really don't. I want to, or I would have left already, but I don't think I can do it. I don't want to make it worse for her by not being what she needs.

 

I have never called her damaged goods, damaged, baggage, etc. She uses those terms all the time.

 

I think I need to talk to her and tell her how I'm feeling. It's just hard because right now I cannot totally separate myself from her.

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NTV Established Member

NTV

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Dude, you and her could really talk it out. If this relationship were to become a commitment, you both would always have a little thing in the back of your heads, saying you're only stayed because you didn't want to cause any additional damage... and that's something she'll face with any relationship she has until she is healed.

 

 

It's the type of thing that seems like it's a tiny dot on the glass now, but grows into giant cracks in a marriage.

 

 

It would be the same thing that happens to folks who get married because of a pregnancy. Eventually, doubt at the reason for getting married grows in the subconscious until something cracks. i.e. 'does he love me or did he just marry me for the child?'

 

 

Think on it.

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

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Did I get this right? You say she got pregnant from the gangrape??!!

 

If she doesn't get this aborted immediately it will be the biggest mistake of her life. If she does not do this I would recommend that you distance yourself from her.

 

Her life will be a sinking ship and she will drag you down with her.

dpass Established Member

dpass

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She is.

 

I have been reading a lot lately. It seems like it's going to be a long, long road and I don't think I am the right person to handle it. I really don't. I want to, or I would have left already, but I don't think I can do it. I don't want to make it worse for her by not being what she needs.

 

I think I need to talk to her and tell her how I'm feeling. It's just hard because right now I cannot totally separate myself from her.

 

So she is pregnant? Is it yours or conceived from her rape? Big difference in how you need to handle this... That's a very important part you shouldn't have left out...

 

If you aren't able to handle this, that is ok. Don't force yourself to do it, that will just cause resentment. She doesn't want to be your pity girlfriend. That being said, depending on her pregnancy circumstances (yours, rapists, abortion, adoption), changes how you need to handle things.

 

Do not, ever, have a relationship (or marriage) because you feel like you have to. You will end up wanting out whether it's 6 months or 6 years later. And she will wonder if you really want to be with her, or felt obligated to be with her.

Edited by dpass
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dklaw Member

dklaw

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Dude, you and her could really talk it out. If this relationship were to become a commitment, you both would always have a little thing in the back of your heads, saying you're only stayed because you didn't want to cause any additional damage... and that's something she'll face with any relationship she has until she is healed.

 

It's the type of thing that seems like it's a tiny dot on the glass now, but grows into giant cracks in a marriage.

 

You're right. I don't want to waste my life in a relationship that I felt obligated to stay in, and I don't want her to wonder if I really want to be with her. Constantly wondering what else is out there or if I really want to be with her is no way to live.

 

Did I get this right? You say she got pregnant from the gangrape??!!

 

If she doesn't get this aborted immediately it will be the biggest mistake of her life. If she does not do this I would recommend that you distance yourself from her.

 

Her life will be a sinking ship and she will drag you down with her.

 

This is why I didn't mention it. I didn't want negative reactions to something that is entirely her choice.

 

So she is pregnant? Is it yours or conceived from her rape? Big difference in how you need to handle this... That's a very important part you shouldn't have left out...

 

If you aren't able to handle this, that is ok. Don't force yourself to do it, that will just cause resentment. She doesn't want to be your pity girlfriend. That being said, depending on her pregnancy circumstances (yours, rapists, abortion, adoption), changes how you need to handle things.

 

Do not, ever, have a relationship (or marriage) because you feel like you have to. You will end up wanting out whether it's 6 months or 6 years later. And she will wonder if you really want to be with her, or felt obligated to be with her.

 

She is pregnant, yeah. The honest answer is I don't know if it's mine or not. No judgement, it's done now, we had unprotected sex the night before. We were both drunk (she almost never drinks) and dumb decisions were made. I said I'd pull out (not a method, I know) and didn't. She has some sort of allergy or sensitivity to one of the hormones in birth control pills and plan b, can't use it without very serious symptoms (passing out, blindness).

 

She is choosing adoption regardless. I still don't want to totally walk away.

 

Thank you again for the reminder not to do something out of force or guilt.

dpass Established Member

dpass

Posted
Posted (edited)
She is pregnant, yeah. The honest answer is I don't know if it's mine or not. No judgement, it's done now, we had unprotected sex the night before. We were both drunk (she almost never drinks) and dumb decisions were made. I said I'd pull out (not a method, I know) and didn't. She has some sort of allergy or sensitivity to one of the hormones in birth control pills and plan b, can't use it without very serious symptoms (passing out, blindness).

 

She is choosing adoption regardless. I still don't want to totally walk away.

 

Thank you again for the reminder not to do something out of force or guilt.

 

Hopefully you learned your lesson in regards to unprotected sex, that is all I will say.

 

You don't really get a choice here. You don't have to stay with her, nor should you. But you cannot just walk out of her life never to return. If you had unprotected sex at the same time as her rape happened, you are just as likely to be the father as any of her rapists are. It comes down to who wins the "sperm lottery".

 

With a possibility of her being pregnant with your child you need to stick around to some degree, but it's a fine line. You don't want to be around so much that she starts to see you as a happy family and wants to keep the baby. You also don't want to totally abandon her in case that child is yours and she decides to keep it.

 

Many women change their mind on adoption when they get further along or after the baby is born, be prepared for that regardless of what YOU choose. Be prepared that you may need to co-parent with her for the rest I of your life, or if you decide to stay, you may raise a child that is not yours and was conceived from rape. She may very well go through with the adoption, but in the end it is her choice.

 

Are you planning on getting a DNA test? You said she wants to go through with adoption either way. You can have a non-invasive blood test done to determine if you are the father.

 

Also, be prepared that adoption is NOT an easy choice. You may always wonder about that child, miss that child and long for them. You should see the child after it is born, if not you may always regret it. Make sure you know if the adoption is open or closed (many are open these days) and act accordingly.

 

You have said you cannot handle this relationship, that is fine. My girlfriends rape was something like 15 years ago, she is still affected and it is still hard. Hers isn't so different than your girlfriends. She got pregnant as well, chose adoption but had a still birth. Things like this can affect a woman for her entire life, or she could move on quickly. All women respond differently, unfortunately there is no way to know right now.

 

So just talk to her. Be honest and excuse yourself from the relationship.

Edited by dpass
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