Been dating for about 1.5 years - sex just stopped - thoughts?

[Vintage79]

The title says it all - I've been dating a great girl for about a 1.5 years and the sex just kind of stopped - it's been a while since I've been at year 1.5, so I thought I see what people think about the situation.

 

I'm 37, she's 34 - we met 1.5 years ago. Things started slow, but after a month or two thing were like you'd expect - see each other way too many days a week, sex on most. That slowed down at about the 1 year point, when she got a more demanding job, but we still saw each other a couple times during the week and spent weekends together - sex slowed, but was still 2-3 times per week. While there has still been kissing, plenty of couple stuff, love, etc, over the past month, the sex just kind of stopped. I'm not too worried about it yet, but it seems a bit strange - she's receptive to my touches, just doesn't seem too interests in taking it further - basically we just stick to cuddling, kissing (although less substantial than the first year), and some terms of affection. She never recoils or runs away, just respond I the same "I want it" kind of way. She's very responsive to contact, text, calls, and definitely priorities chit chat with me.

 

I'm planning on talking to her about it soon, at least if things don't all of a sudden change, but I wanted to get thoughts on the situation or ideas about how the conversation should go.

 

Thanks for the help and let me know if you need any more specific details...

[Grisho]

The title says it all - I've been dating a great girl for about a 1.5 years and the sex just kind of stopped - it's been a while since I've been at year 1.5, so I thought I see what people think about the situation.

 

I'm 37, she's 34 - we met 1.5 years ago. Things started slow, but after a month or two thing were like you'd expect - see each other way too many days a week, sex on most. That slowed down at about the 1 year point, when she got a more demanding job, but we still saw each other a couple times during the week and spent weekends together - sex slowed, but was still 2-3 times per week. While there has still been kissing, plenty of couple stuff, love, etc, over the past month, the sex just kind of stopped. I'm not too worried about it yet, but it seems a bit strange - she's receptive to my touches, just doesn't seem too interests in taking it further - basically we just stick to cuddling, kissing (although less substantial than the first year), and some terms of affection. She never recoils or runs away, just respond I the same "I want it" kind of way. She's very responsive to contact, text, calls, and definitely priorities chit chat with me.

 

I'm planning on talking to her about it soon, at least if things don't all of a sudden change, but I wanted to get thoughts on the situation or ideas about how the conversation should go.

 

Thanks for the help and let me know if you need any more specific details...

 

Take her away for the weekend, and use the opportunity to talk to her kindly about it (no accusations, no blame, no worry etc). If that's not possible, plan a nice evening for you both over a load of hours, so you can just enjoy each other's company and be romantic together, whilst also discussing the lack of intimacy sexually.

 

Loads of things can affect sex drive.

 

Has anything else changed over the past month? Has her workload changed?

 

Do you ever have intimate sessions that are focused on just her pleasure (and never result in sex or your pleasure)? Does she orgasm with you? How much time do you spend on foreplay focused just on her, so she's naturally lubricated enough (after orgasms) to enjoy sex?

[No_Go]

If she switched birth control methods recently, this maybe the reason. Another possibility: if she's taking antidepressants - they kill the libido in some people. Depression itself is another explanation for low libido.

 

But to me the concerning part is the gradual decrease. At your ages, 1.5 year is not enough to lose interest towards sex. My bf and I are similar ages, similar relationship length - we haven't yet skipped an opportunity when seeing each other (considering that we live together that's most of the time;))

 

Try to stir the relationship a bit (more dates, more focus on her), if you are sure the reason is not medical.

 

The title says it all - I've been dating a great girl for about a 1.5 years and the sex just kind of stopped - it's been a while since I've been at year 1.5, so I thought I see what people think about the situation.

 

I'm 37, she's 34 - we met 1.5 years ago. Things started slow, but after a month or two thing were like you'd expect - see each other way too many days a week, sex on most. That slowed down at about the 1 year point, when she got a more demanding job, but we still saw each other a couple times during the week and spent weekends together - sex slowed, but was still 2-3 times per week. While there has still been kissing, plenty of couple stuff, love, etc, over the past month, the sex just kind of stopped. I'm not too worried about it yet, but it seems a bit strange - she's receptive to my touches, just doesn't seem too interests in taking it further - basically we just stick to cuddling, kissing (although less substantial than the first year), and some terms of affection. She never recoils or runs away, just respond I the same "I want it" kind of way. She's very responsive to contact, text, calls, and definitely priorities chit chat with me.

 

I'm planning on talking to her about it soon, at least if things don't all of a sudden change, but I wanted to get thoughts on the situation or ideas about how the conversation should go.

 

Thanks for the help and let me know if you need any more specific details...

[ExpatInItaly]

Begin by communicating about the quality of your intimacy. Do you know what her fantasies are? Does she know yours? How often do you vary the position, location, and so on? Maybe she's bored in bed; are you?

 

Open up a conversation and ask some questions; don't be accusatory. Simply find out what she enjoys most, if there's something she'd like more of, less of. You should feel free to do the same.

 

1.5 years is quite soon to be experiencing such a decline. Do some exploring and figure out if there are other contributing factors (stress, specific birth control methods, losing interest)

[Vintage79]

Good thoughts - it definitely won't be an accusatory conversation - I just don't know what's going - I'm not sure if she's thought about it - so it will be hopfully easy to talk about it. There's nothing obviously different that I'm aware of. She does take ADD medication - I'm not sure if that does anything to your libido, but I do think she changed her formulation a month or two ago...so I guess that could be part of it, but I'm hesitant to say that's the cause without knowing more.

 

I don't think her work has changed, and I'm not sure there's much of a personal life burden change either - or if there is, she hasn't mentioned anything. Truthfully, everything is pretty similar between us (at least that's my perception), just the vanishing of the act.

 

As for the questions about whether or not she's satisfied following our activities - there's usually plenty of foreplay and no extra lube is needed, she's very hard to please/finish - sometimes it can take 30-40 minutes of intimate action, which, just being honest, I have a hard time going at it that long - but I have purchased toys/accessories that we frequently use that can finish what I started - and I stay there with her and try to keep it intimate at that time as well...

 

As for the change infrequency at 1.5 years - yeah, it seems odd to me, which is why I want some thoughts/advice and plan to chat with her when the time is right. It doesn't seem urgently pressing, so I figure I'll try to make it as comfortable as a I can.

[spiderowl]

We can't really know why she has lost interest in sex after this time so a conversation with her sounds a good idea. But, where is this relationship going? She may be wondering if you two are going to be dating for ever but with no long-term commitment on the horizon. What do you both want out of it ultimately - marriage and family? Maybe she has just reached a point where she feels you are 'coasting' and she is not happy to continue to drift along and is inadvertently withdrawing a bit.

Edited August 14, 2016 by spiderowl

[Grisho]

Good thoughts - it definitely won't be an accusatory conversation - I just don't know what's going - I'm not sure if she's thought about it - so it will be hopfully easy to talk about it. There's nothing obviously different that I'm aware of. She does take ADD medication - I'm not sure if that does anything to your libido, but I do think she changed her formulation a month or two ago...so I guess that could be part of it, but I'm hesitant to say that's the cause without knowing more.

 

I don't think her work has changed, and I'm not sure there's much of a personal life burden change either - or if there is, she hasn't mentioned anything. Truthfully, everything is pretty similar between us (at least that's my perception), just the vanishing of the act.

 

As for the questions about whether or not she's satisfied following our activities - there's usually plenty of foreplay and no extra lube is needed, she's very hard to please/finish - sometimes it can take 30-40 minutes of intimate action, which, just being honest, I have a hard time going at it that long - but I have purchased toys/accessories that we frequently use that can finish what I started - and I stay there with her and try to keep it intimate at that time as well...

 

As for the change infrequency at 1.5 years - yeah, it seems odd to me, which is why I want some thoughts/advice and plan to chat with her when the time is right. It doesn't seem urgently pressing, so I figure I'll try to make it as comfortable as a I can.

 

It takes between 3/4 of an hour and an hour of foreplay focused just on me for me to geel ready for sex. This is normal. It doesn't sound like she's hard to please simply for needing stimulation for a similar amount of time.

 

Does she orgasm lots before you have sex?

Do you have intimate sessions that are just focused on pleasing her (never resulting in sex or your pleasure)?

[Bialy]

You need to bring up the topic. There might be a possibility she's not even aware that it's an issue. Or, by bringing it up to her, you may find out that she is painfully aware of the lack of physicality.

 

Maybe when you're cuddling one day, you can gently say something like, "is everything ok? I've noticed a change in our sex lately. Is there anything I'm doing wrong or anything I can be doing differently?"

[Vintage79]

It takes between 3/4 of an hour and an hour of foreplay focused just on me for me to geel ready for sex. This is normal. It doesn't sound like she's hard to please simply for needing stimulation for a similar amount of time.

 

Does she orgasm lots before you have sex?

Do you have intimate sessions that are just focused on pleasing her (never resulting in sex or your pleasure)?

 

There's probably 30-45 minutes of foreplay - I say 30-40 minutes of the deed is tough for me, just because I have a tough time not finishing before them. I said it is a lot just based on prior experiences...