I made mistakes and I'm kinda lost

[cclemon]

Hello,

My ex girlfriend recently broke up with me, there are a lot of content on the internet that can help me, but today I found this forum and I would like some specific advice.

 

 

I will write two versions. A full version and a TL;DR version for those who don't want to spend so much time reading. TL;DR version is on the bottom.

 

Full version:

 

So, this is what happened:

We dated for 6 years. The first 5 years everything was fine. We had plans to live together next year as soon as my apartment finishs being built. But, the last year we started having lots of discussions, we fell into the routine, it was not as good anymore.

About 4 months ago I was determined to break up with her, but I never could do it (I always started to talk but my heart kept me from finishing).

So, I started being a cunt with her, I stopped visiting her during the week (just on the weekends), ignoring her problems and mistreating her sometimes. I was hoping this way it would be easier to break up with her (push her away from me first). I was an idiot, I know, I should have been direct and talked to her.

After some months acting like this, she was suffering from my actions, and a month ago she asked for a break. I accepted it (I was actually happy with it, because at this point I wanted to break up with her). During two weeks, we didn't talk. I tought a lot during this time far from her and saw all mistakes I had been doing and how much I miss her and all we need was some kind of change (for example, renting a house for us). So, I decided to go to her house to talk to her and try to fix things.

She was very angry. I explained to her that I was being an idiot just because I wanted to break up with her (as I explained before), but she broke up with me anyway (I don't blame her, I deserved).

So, 2 weeks have passed from the day she broke up with me, and 1 month from the initial break. She is still very angry with me and does not want to talk.

 

A mutual friend of ours told me she still likes me a lot but is afraid to give me a chance because she thinks I changed my mind so fast (in 2 weeks I went from "I want to break up with you" to "I love you and I want you back") and maybe she thinks that I'm not aware of my mistakes.

 

My initial strategy was send her some short messages like, "My cats are missing you", sporadically (each 3 days) that requires no answer (anyway, she answered with happy smiles and the talk ended). But, reading advices from "Get your ex back" guides, I think it was not the best strategy, so I'm thinking what I should do now.

 

The really bad news is that I have evidence that she started seeing a guy (probably using as rebound to try to forget me). I don't blame her if it's really a rebound (it was all my fault). What intrigues me most is the fact that, as far as I know, nobody knows about him, she is keeping it secret even from close friends and shes says to everyone that she doesn't want to get involved with anyone else.

 

TL;DR version:

 

1 - 6 years date

2 - First 5 years are fine. Last year we fell into the routine and started having constant fights (verbally)

3 - 4 months ago I decided I wanted to break up with her, but I couldn't do it and started doing stupid things, like ignoring her, and mistreating her to make it easier later.

4 - 1 month ago she asked for a break. I accepted with no objection.

5 - two weeks after, I realized I was being an idiot and wanted to make up with her

6 - Went to her house and explained the reason I was acting that stupid way. She is very angry and breaks up with me.

7 - Mutual friend tells me she likes me but is afraid of giving me a chance because she thinks I changed my mind so fast and is not ready for a decision.

8 - She says she doesn't want to get involved with anyone else, but I suspect she is having a hidden rebound. This complicates the situation somewhat.

 

So, I have two questions:

1 - If she is really having this hidden rebound, what does that mean, given my situation?

2 - Would it be better if I proceed to the usual NC for about 1 month and maybe then send her an apologize letter or is it better to do something different given my situation?

 

Thanks in advance!

[CarrieT]

What are your ages?

 

I have a feeling the best thing you could do is move on entirely...

[cclemon]

We both are 28.

[LD1990]

So you treated her like trash, she dumped you, and then later you told her you actually wanted to dump her but just treated her horribly instead? Color me shocked that she's angry.

 

You should just leave her alone and stop the text messages. This is the classic case of not wanting someone until you don't have her anymore. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers, she's seeing someone new anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

She sees through you, OP.

 

You wanted to break up with her for a while but weren't man enough to be honest and respectful. So you behaved like a jerk to manipulate her into dumping you. (And yes, that is manipulation) You got what you wished for.

 

Now she knows you aren't the man she thought you were. You were willing to be dismissive and unkind and careless with her heart. That doesn't change in two weeks and she knows it. She is wise to stay away from you, to be very blunt.

 

You aren't ready for an adult relationship. You need time to grow up emotionally; 28 is way too old for that kind of behaviour. I guarantee you changed her perception of you dramatically; take this as a hard lesson learned so you will be better prepared for future relationships.

[Satu]

snip

So, I have two questions:

1 - If she is really having this hidden rebound, what does that mean, given my situation?

2 - Would it be better if I proceed to the usual NC for about 1 month and maybe then send her an apologize letter or is it better to do something different given my situation?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

1. It doesn't have any bearing on your situation, because she doesn't want to be with you after all your abusive behaviour. Most other guys would look like princes compared to you. There's nothing you can do about that now.

 

2. Stop trying to manipulate her.

 

Your behaviour towards her was abusive.

 

She won't be coming back for more.

 

 

Take care.

[cclemon]

I know I messed up. But she showed signals that she is willing to forgive me. Look the message I received from her, the same the day she dumped me, some hours later:

"Let's not rush, I can't decide nothing now. If our destiny is to be together, we will be. You're very special for me. I keep you in my heart"

 

She's hurt, I know. I don't want to manipulate her, I just want to show I learned from my mistakes and she doesn't need to be worried about me doing it again.

[LD1990]

Being willing to forgive you is a far cry from ever wanting to be with you again.

 

Take one look around the forums and you'll see how common phrases like "I can't decide now, but maybe we'll be together in the future" are. Exes say it all the time, and it means nothing.

 

Nothing you can do will show her that she doesn't have to worry about this happening again. It's not just some little thing that you can fix with an "I'm sorry." It's far easier to break trust than it is to build it, and you broke her trust of you. She can't trust you, and that feeling won't just go away.

[TexasGuy12]

So you treated her like trash, she dumped you, and then later you told her you actually wanted to dump her but just treated her horribly instead? Color me shocked that she's angry.

 

You should just leave her alone and stop the text messages. This is the classic case of not wanting someone until you don't have her anymore. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers, she's seeing someone new anyway.

 

LD - greatly respect your opinions, but just wanted to say that I've been here in the past, and I don't think there's anything wrong with not fully realizing what you have until it's gone. It doesn't make him a bad person or make him undeserving of getting her back.

 

Not saying it is an ideal situation for the girl in this example, but I can understand his perspective. He wasn't sure about the situation, didn't want to hurt her (not everyone has the heart to break someone's heart) and perhaps was self-consciously pushing her away because he wanted her to be the one to do it. When she did it, and he realized not having her in his life was a reality, he second guessed it. So he followed is heart and is trying to follow his heart and get her back. I respect him in both cases for following his heart, although ideally he would have just talked to her rather than acting in a way that pushed her away.

[LD1990]

LD - greatly respect your opinions, but just wanted to say that I've been here in the past, and I don't think there's anything wrong with not fully realizing what you have until it's gone. It doesn't make him a bad person or make him undeserving of getting her back.

 

Not saying it is an ideal situation for the girl in this example, but I can understand his perspective. He wasn't sure about the situation, didn't want to hurt her (not everyone has the heart to break someone's heart) and perhaps was self-consciously pushing her away because he wanted her to be the one to do it. When she did it, and he realized not having her in his life was a reality, he second guessed it. So he followed is heart and is trying to follow his heart and get her back. I respect him in both cases for following his heart, although ideally he would have just talked to her rather than acting in a way that pushed her away.

 

I have no idea if he's a good or bad person, but by his own admission he was a bad boyfriend at the end of the relationship. He treated his girlfriend of 6 years very poorly for months simply because he didn't want to man up and dump her.

 

The cold reality is that even though everyone thinks their situation is special, most breakups happen for a good reason. That's why the standard advice here is to go NC, because the breakup is a sign that the relationship isn't working. And the kind of scenario in this thread is so common. Guy treats girl poorly, she leaves, after guy gets lonely he has the sudden realization that he's madly in love with his ex. It's far more likely that this is a case of a guy wanting what he can't have anymore than suddenly realizing his true feelings for an ex.

[cclemon]

LD - greatly respect your opinions, but just wanted to say that I've been here in the past, and I don't think there's anything wrong with not fully realizing what you have until it's gone. It doesn't make him a bad person or make him undeserving of getting her back.

 

Not saying it is an ideal situation for the girl in this example, but I can understand his perspective. He wasn't sure about the situation, didn't want to hurt her (not everyone has the heart to break someone's heart) and perhaps was self-consciously pushing her away because he wanted her to be the one to do it. When she did it, and he realized not having her in his life was a reality, he second guessed it. So he followed is heart and is trying to follow his heart and get her back. I respect him in both cases for following his heart, although ideally he would have just talked to her rather than acting in a way that pushed her away.

 

Thanks mate. This is exactly what I was feeling. I know I messed up, but my intentions were not so bad, I didn't mean to hurt her at all. I thought that pushing her away would hurt less than suddenly breaking up with her when everything seemed fine (despite the fights, our relationship wasn't at rock bottom) . Do you understand me?

 

I will confess something for you. I got to the point to break up with her once (like 4 months ago), but in the same day, she came to me crying and she was so afflict that I decided to give our relationship a chance. Not for pitty, I really wanted to. But I'm just trying to show you that I tried to do the right thing, but I failed and I am trying to fix (probably too late).

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks mate. This is exactly what I was feeling. I know I messed up, but my intentions were not so bad, I didn't mean to hurt her at all. I thought that pushing her away would hurt less than suddenly breaking up with her when everything seemed fine (despite the fights, our relationship wasn't at rock bottom) . Do you understand me?

 

I will confess something for you. I got to the point to break up with her once (like 4 months ago), but in the same day, she came to me crying and she was so afflict that I decided to give our relationship a chance. Not for pitty, I really wanted to. But I'm just trying to show you that I tried to do the right thing, but I failed and I am trying to fix (probably too late).

 

That's a coward's way out, though. You thought you were sparing her feelings by being cold and mistreating her instead? Did you not stop to consider how hurtful that was? That makes no sense. You chose the less mature and more disrespectful path than simply ending it. You didn't try doing the right thing at all. You tried to make it easier for you.

 

I am a woman and I had an ex who behaved like you did. He didn't treat me well near the end and later admitted he'd been hoping I would break it off so he wouldn't have to feel guilty. Let me tell you, it showed me his true colours and highlighted the fact that I was better off without a man who can't be honest about his feelings and give me the respect I deserved. And I later found a man who does just that, too. He makes my ex look like a child.

 

Your ex couldn't have possibly guessed what your intentions were. All she knows is that she was treated badly and then found out it was very intentional and calculated. I don't mean to lecture, but you don't seem to grasp the damage you have caused.

Edited August 15, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[cclemon]

That's a coward's way out, though. You thought you were sparing her feelings by being cold and mistreating her instead? Did you not stop to consider how hurtful that was? That makes no sense. You chose the less mature and more disrespectful path than simply ending it. You didn't try doing the right thing at all. You tried to make it easier for you.

 

I am a woman and I had an ex who behaved like you did. He didn't treat me well near the end and later admitted he'd been hoping I would break it off so he wouldn't have to feel guilty. Let me tell you, it showed me his true colours and highlighted the fact that I was better off without a man who can't be honest about his feelings and give me the respect I deserved. And I later found a man who does just that, too. He makes my ex look like a child.

 

Your ex couldn't have possibly guessed what your intentions were. All she knows is that she was treated badly and then found out it was very intentional and calculated. I don't mean to lecture, but you don't seem to grasp the damage you have caused.

 

I'm not trying to say I did the right thing. I know I hurt her.

But I'm just saying my intentions weren't the worst.

I messed up. I learned the lesson. I will not do this again never ever.

I know (from realiable sources, not just guessing) that she still likes me a lot, but is angry at me and she doubts that I really like her (I don't blame her for that, she is right to think it).

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not trying to say I did the right thing. I know I hurt her.

But I'm just saying my intentions weren't the worst.

I messed up. I learned the lesson. I will not do this again never ever.

I know (from realiable sources, not just guessing) that she still likes me a lot, but is angry at me and she doubts that I really like her (I don't blame her for that, she is right to think it).

 

Maybe not, but it doesn't really matter.

 

You still intentionally hurt her by pushing her away and being unkind to her. That is a significant game-changer. It's a huge eye-opener and turn-off to the hurt party.

 

The fact that she is seeing another guy will make it very difficult for her to consider reconciliation. I still had love for my ex after the break-up, in the sense that I know he had redeeming qualities and we shared some good times. But would I have gone back to him? Especially after having met a man who did treat me well? Not a chance. More than two years after breaking up, he still tries to make contact once in a while. Not happening. I know better now.

 

It's not to say it's totally out of the question in her case, but I don't think it's likely. After all, she finally left you. That means she did indeed reach her limits and had already thought out the pros and cons of staying with you. The cons outweighed the pros. Knowing you intentionally pushed her into breaking up with you actually makes it much worse. If she does someday decide she wants to give you another chance, it will probably be after she's had a chunk of time away from you and has dated around a bit.

Edited August 15, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[cclemon]

Maybe not, but it doesn't really matter.

 

You still intentionally hurt her by pushing her away and being unkind to her. That is a significant game-changer. It's a huge eye-opener and turn-off to the hurt party.

 

The fact that she is seeing another guy will make it very difficult for her to consider reconciliation. I still had love for my ex after the break-up, in the sense that I know he had redeeming qualities and we shared some good times. But would I have gone back to him? Especially after having met a man who did treat me well? Not a chance. More than two years after breaking up, he still tries to make contact once in a while. Not happening. I know better now.

 

It's not to say it's totally out of the question in her case, but I don't think it's likely. After all, she finally left you. That means she did indeed reach her limits and had already thought out the pros and cons of staying with you. The cons outweighed the pros. Knowing you intentionally pushed her into breaking up with you actually makes it much worse. If she does someday decide she wants to give you another chance, it will probably be after she's had a chunk of time away from you and has dated around a bit.

 

I see your point and I agree with you. I messed up and I am learning with my mistakes.

 

I could just have ommited the fact I was pushing her away to break up with her. I could just have said we fell into the routine, or have thought about another excuse. But I wanted to be honest and sincere with her.

 

I will try not to have expectations that she will give me this chance. But if she does, she will not regreat. I would never do the same stupid things again, I learned the hard way.

 

Thanks for you replies, it's really helping me