acarls20 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 So Friday I had plans with my boyfriend to have dinner with a friend and stay over at my place. My friend canceled. He came over at his usual time looking real upset. He told me he decided it was over. I told him to sit down. In the end we ended up on the futon I laid out holding each other and crying. He told me he didn't see a future in this. I asked him if I was his best friend. He said yes. I asked him if he thought I was beautiful. He said yes. I asked him if its cause he didn't want kids. He ignored it but he made it seem like that wasn't it. He said he wants to stay friends. I said I couldn't do that. He started crying. I cried. When did you decide this I asked? He said he had his bag packed to stay the night in the car. I was baffled. He said he's been thinking about it off and on but I've always given him reasons to stay. I told him it doesn't sound like we should break up. It is okay if you don't recognize you love me yet. I think we should take a break. He agreed. He even told me he was regretting it as he was doing it. Does it sound like he may turn things back around? Is this just a freakout about things going to fast? I mean we've been together for almost a year. We had plans for this upcoming Thursday and a concert in September. I'm blown away. Things were getting better and more romantic before this. We just went to Disneyland together. What do you guys think?
Bialy Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 I'm confused and need more details. How old are you two? What issues have been coming up in the relationship before this?
DramaInPajamas Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) He told me he decided it was over. I told him to sit down. In the end we ended up on the futon I laid out holding each other and crying. I asked him if I was his best friend. He said yes. I asked him if he thought I was beautiful. He said yes. He said he's been thinking about it off and on but I've always given him reasons to stay. I told him it doesn't sound like we should break up. It is okay if you don't recognize you love me yet. I think we should take a break. He agreed. He even told me he was regretting it as he was doing it. This is car crash TV. I am cringing on your behalf. Lying down together crying and saying, dont you think i am beautiful.....trying to convince him not to break up with you. Don't you have any dignity? As he said later, he has been thinking of if ofr a while but you keep convincing him to stay. As you did again with you talking him out of it. Now it is a break and not a break up. But it will be a break up very soon. Just let him go. The more you prolong this, the worse it will get. He does not want to be with you. Saying he will regret it? Well my ex said this may be the biggest mistake he ever makes. For the record: he was cheating on me and it was all to ease his ****ty guilty conscience. Do you really want to hang on like grim death to someone who does not want you? And no it i not a 10 month freak out. He has made it very clear that he has thought about it for ages and you keep changing his mind as you are trying to do again. The best thing you could do is agree with him and go NC. Refuse friendship as you will always try to change his mind. Edited August 14, 2016 by DramaInPajamas 3
Author acarls20 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) That last response was surprising. We're both 30 years old. I never said anything to convince him to stay before. It was actually a sweet thing for him to say. He was saying the way I am is the reasons he's stayed. I told him I loved him about 6 weeks ago and I know I've been acting scared and nervous about his feelings. I have brought it up just this last weekend on our way home from a trip. He also just met my coworkers that weekend as well. He's always shown love with his actions. He held me, kissed me and held my and that night even. He was trying to make me feel better. He told me life before me was **** and I made his life better. He always held my hand anywhere we went. He always made time for me. I always felt loved even if he was confused. He'd cook for me and take me on dates. He is not a player and does not have many friends. He is a more reserved person. This was out of nowhere. Edited August 14, 2016 by acarls20
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Perhaps things have been good previously with your relationship, but he doesn't sound like he's in a good place now. I'm sorry, that must have been surprising and upsetting for you. The fact is, I think you want to be in a relationship where the other person shows up because he knows, without a doubt, that he wants to be there. You deserve nothing less. Don't try to convince him to be in a relationship with you - that is not healthy. If he is confused, give him some time and space. As hard as it is, if he loves you and it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not meant to be, best you learn this sooner than later. So sorry. 2
DramaInPajamas Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Your age is surprising. It read like a teenager wrote it. I have made the same horrible mistake before in my youth. Crying and trying to talk them out of a break up. Never ever again will I lose my dignity like that. He told you doesn't want to be with you. Just accept it.
Zapbasket Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 I want to chime in here and say NEVER NEVER NEVER convince anyone to be in a relationship with you. That goes for a friend, as well as a romantic partner. Relationships only ever can work when both people, for reasons intrinsic entirely to them, feel that this liaison is everything they want and need, and whatever might not be perfect in it is something they're okay with overall. One partner's reasons for wanting and staying in a particular relationship can be very different from the other partner's reasons. It's two separate people, and separate lives, and separate needs and wants, and separate life trajectories, coming together and working, together, toward a mutually desired future that also might signify very different things to each person. It's natural for anyone to have doubts about their relationship at times, and to communicate those doubts to their partner. You can listen to your partner's doubts, and agree to work on things that might be lacking, but ultimately you cannot win anyone over to resolving their doubts and having renewed commitment to the relationship. They must do that on their own. 1
ChickiePops Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 If you have to talk someone out of dumping you then it's probably not going to work out. 1
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