I Messed up My Chance and I Want Her Back

[articwolf]

Okay. My story goes like this: I am a 30-year-old-single guy living my life all alone without having any relationships for almost 6 years. A couple of months back, I thought of trying to dabble in online dating sites with the hopes of finding someone to spend the rest of my life. Things went by smooth. I chatted with few ladies but none interested me. Then a month back this girl sends me a flirt. I replied with curiosity. Then she started off the communication and went kicked off pretty well. In no more than a week or so, she added me on facebook and skype. Then we used to chat very often on facebook. Then one day she brought up her ex in the middle of our conversation. Then it instantly hit me that she was going through a rough phase in her life. So I gave her comfort by entertaining her (I'm a geek and so is she), making her happy, just to forget her ordeal. Then things started to go worse. I fell for her. Deeper and deeper. And I did something unthinkable, I professed my love within a couple of weeks. She was not angry but she told me she broke up with her guy (who betrayed her) just a couple of weeks back and she doesn't want to rush things and wants to make friends first. She said me it's too early and I should do the same by making friends and knowing people first. But as for me, I was being selfish and convinced her to let me prove my love. She then agreed and told me she'll give me time to prove my love to her. Then things went by and she started to feel my presence in her life. We used to send goofy pics to each other, laughed at each other, started to miss each other in our lives. Then one day I tried called her on Skype where she hesitated to answer. Then things took off in a bad turn. We had a small tiff because I thought she was playing with me all along. She said me that I was forcing her in my heart where she wanted to snuggle fit in. Well, the reason I took such a long break from my last relationship was because my ex-girl betrayed me too. And it took me a while to come back. Hence I never felt of getting into a relation with anyone. Anyway, afterwards I sent her an offline message saying that I don't want to continue this one-sided affection and wished her best of luck in life which she didn't reply. I remained out of the radar for a couple of days. But every day I missed her so much. I couldn't bare the pain of staying away from her and I messaged her that how much I love her that I will do anything to make her the queen she is and I don't want to lose her (which she didn't reply either). Yeah, I got too emotional because I had lost my love once and I didn't want to lose again. The next morning, I sent her a message that how she is doing; then bam - she blocked me on facebook (she hasn't removed me on Skype though). I felt like the whole world came down on me. I was so broken. Right now I just go to work like a zombie and return home to cry by myself and figure out what went wrong. I never imagined how she could react this way after all these days we spent. I log into the dating website where we got introduced and see her online time to time. I just log in and stay there idle with the hopes she will notice me and contact me again.

 

It's been four days now and I have realised because of my immature behaviour I lost a good friend and a chance to be her love. Since I live alone I have no-one to take advice from or console myself. I am confused. I was thinking of giving her a month or two's time and then message her asking her forgiveness on the dating site. I really don't want to give up on her and it kills me every day and have second thoughts about giving up on her.

 

So here I am, in this forum, asking for you people what should I do to win back her trust. Please help me get back my love. (I'd prefer taking more advice from the women folks here.) Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi there, OP. I am a woman and I'll chime in.

 

To be very blunt, this woman was never your love. She can't be "won back" in that sense, because it's clear to me she wasn't interested in you in that way. Based on your description, she viewed you as a friend. You were there to give her attention and time, but she wasn't falling in love.

 

I gather you have never met her in person - is that correct? If so, you have scared her off with all this talk of love. For most healthy women, that is a red flag. You're making some pretty grand declarations based on little real-world knowledge of her which doesn't sit well with many of us ladies. It feels desperate. She was very right when she said you two need time to get to know each other before you could have ever thought about a romance. Which brings me to the next question - what is the reason you didn't meet? Did you ask to see her? And what did you say when you got upset that she didn't answer your Skype call?

 

I think you should leave her alone for a while. It is very evident she doesn't wish to talk to you at this time. Perhaps she is already seeing someone else and didn't have the stones to tell you. Maybe she was hoping you'd take the hint that you two are just friends. Her saying you were trying to force your feelings on her is very telling. I think you need to really take a step back and look at the reality of the situation: you were telling her you love her and want to make her your Queen, while she was telling you not to force it and slow down. You two wanted different things from this friendship.

[clmckenzie]

I hope you are feeling better but I think you should just leave her alone. I think it is clear that she may not have been interested and you may have been too insistent.

 

I think this is a situation that you learn from and move on from.

[articwolf]

Hi there, OP. I am a woman and I'll chime in.

 

To be very blunt, this woman was never your love. She can't be "won back" in that sense, because it's clear to me she wasn't interested in you in that way. Based on your description, she viewed you as a friend. You were there to give her attention and time, but she wasn't falling in love.

 

I gather you have never met her in person - is that correct? If so, you have scared her off with all this talk of love. For most healthy women, that is a red flag. You're making some pretty grand declarations based on little real-world knowledge of her which doesn't sit well with many of us ladies. It feels desperate. She was very right when she said you two need time to get to know each other before you could have ever thought about a romance. Which brings me to the next question - what is the reason you didn't meet? Did you ask to see her? And what did you say when you got upset that she didn't answer your Skype call?

 

I think you should leave her alone for a while. It is very evident she doesn't wish to talk to you at this time. Perhaps she is already seeing someone else and didn't have the stones to tell you. Maybe she was hoping you'd take the hint that you two are just friends. Her saying you were trying to force your feelings on her is very telling. I think you need to really take a step back and look at the reality of the situation: you were telling her you love her and want to make her your Queen, while she was telling you not to force it and slow down. You two wanted different things from this friendship.

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate what you said. And it makes a lot of sense. The thing is, I too knew from the start she didn't have any feelings for me. But I had fallen in love already and was helpless. And it was after 6 long years I felt this emotion for someone which was suppressed and dormant. The reason I professed my love early because I wanted to let her know I have no time to play shenanigans confused lovers play and wanted to give her a hint: "stop playing with me if you are". Yeah, so, kinda rushed things while over thinking.

 

I don't know if she didn't have feelings for me, but this girl was unique: kinda dorky, geeky and full of zeal, just like me. She always used to ask me how much did I miss her. Had a nickname name for me: 'Silly Pirate.' And I called her 'Pirate Princess'. And told me she loved picking on me. hehe. She also shared things about her life - her family life and all those stuff. She used to tell me to sleep early (I used to stay up late for her to chat because of our time differences); told me to message her in my free time and not to think too much about it, though. We used to send pictures of each other with funny faces. Every morning I when I woke up I used to send her beautiful quotes which she used to reply instantly (thinking all these makes me miss her so much).

 

Also, I don't think she has any guy because she just broke up with her abusive ex-boyfriend in July. And this is exactly what she told me: that I was trying to shove her in the hole in my heart (she knew I had a bad break up and assumed I'm still coping) without mending it first where she wanted to snuggle fit in and she solidly isn't into something right now. She ended by saying I'm cool but I need some time.

 

About your question if we have met - I have never met her in person because we live continents apart (I'm Asian and she is American.) Although she wanted to meet at some point in time later and wanted me to come there too.

 

Anyway, coming to my point, should I send her a message after a month when everything is calm, or should I just move on?

[articwolf]

I hope you are feeling better but I think you should just leave her alone. I think it is clear that she may not have been interested and you may have been too insistent.

 

I think this is a situation that you learn from and move on from.

Yes, I agree. I was too impatient. After my last breakup I am still learning to love but at the same time, I don't want to get hurt again.

[articwolf]

Hi there, OP. I am a woman and I'll chime in.

 

To be very blunt, this woman was never your love. She can't be "won back" in that sense, because it's clear to me she wasn't interested in you in that way. Based on your description, she viewed you as a friend. You were there to give her attention and time, but she wasn't falling in love.

 

I gather you have never met her in person - is that correct? If so, you have scared her off with all this talk of love. For most healthy women, that is a red flag. You're making some pretty grand declarations based on little real-world knowledge of her which doesn't sit well with many of us ladies. It feels desperate. She was very right when she said you two need time to get to know each other before you could have ever thought about a romance. Which brings me to the next question - what is the reason you didn't meet? Did you ask to see her? And what did you say when you got upset that she didn't answer your Skype call?

 

I think you should leave her alone for a while. It is very evident she doesn't wish to talk to you at this time. Perhaps she is already seeing someone else and didn't have the stones to tell you. Maybe she was hoping you'd take the hint that you two are just friends. Her saying you were trying to force your feelings on her is very telling. I think you need to really take a step back and look at the reality of the situation: you were telling her you love her and want to make her your Queen, while she was telling you not to force it and slow down. You two wanted different things from this friendship.

Missed your question - Well, about the Skype call I just asked her if she played with me which she answered no. She told me she wants to befriend people first, know them and then decide if to get into a relationship. When I told her I don't want to console my bruised heart to fall in love with her knowing that there's no future and added I'll move on in life and told her to be happy with the person she will be with. And this is exactly what she told me: that I was trying to shove her in the hole in my heart (she knew I had a bad break up and assumed I'm still coping) without mending it first where she wanted to snuggle fit in and she solidly isn't into something right now. She ended by saying I'm cool but I need some time.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would just move on.

 

The likelihood of this ever working out is almost zero. You two live on opposite sides of the world. She is barely out of a relationship. She has already pulled away from you.

 

I understand you grew very fond of her, but it's clear from her communications to you that she didn't want to take it any further than some fun or flirty banter. I realize you've been alone for a few years and she was an interesting woman, but you also need to realize that just because you felt an intense attraction doesn't mean she shared that. She seems to have sensed you were getting way too attached so she cut this off.

 

The other huge hurdle is you won't be able to compete with a local guy, who can physically be in her presence and take her on dates. Sooner or later, this will happen. Most women won't hold out for some guy they've never met who lives on another continent. I know you believe she doesn't have another guy at the moment - and you could be right - but that truth is you have no idea if she's dating someone. Don't bother messaging her in a month. It would be better and ultimately more satisfying for you to meet women locally.

[articwolf]

I would just move on.

 

The likelihood of this ever working out is almost zero. You two live on opposite sides of the world. She is barely out of a relationship. She has already pulled away from you.

 

I understand you grew very fond of her, but it's clear from her communications to you that she didn't want to take it any further than some fun or flirty banter. I realize you've been alone for a few years and she was an interesting woman, but you also need to realize that just because you felt an intense attraction doesn't mean she shared that. She seems to have sensed you were getting way too attached so she cut this off.

 

The other huge hurdle is you won't be able to compete with a local guy, who can physically be in her presence and take her on dates. Sooner or later, this will happen. Most women won't hold out for some guy they've never met who lives on another continent. I know you believe she doesn't have another guy at the moment - and you could be right - but that truth is you have no idea if she's dating someone. Don't bother messaging her in a month. It would be better and ultimately more satisfying for you to meet women locally.

She was willing to relocate and settle down. As a matter of fact, her previous guy was Asian too. But things went awry between them.

 

Anyway, I guess I'll move on then. I hope she finds someone in her life and the person makes her happy. As for me, I won't give up on my hopes on finding my soulmate. No matter what the distance be.

 

Thank you for your advice once again.

[justwhoiam]

Red flag #1: she was on a dating website a few days after her breakup, if not even before that.

 

Red flag #2: she contacted someone who reminded her of her boyfriend.

 

Red flag #3: she chose to "flirt" someone so far away from where she's at, on purpose.

 

Red flag #4: she was apparently looking for a friend, but loved the attention from a man and feeling wanted as a woman (she was not in a place/forum/whatever looking for a friend, but on a dating website after all...).

 

All those red flags taken separately might mean nothing, but summed up just make a bad picture.

 

"[she] told me to message her in my free time and not to think too much about it, though."

She gave you a clue. No woman into you would ever say something like that. In short she was telling you: let's keep in touch, but don't put too much effort into it. Aka: don't fall for me. A woman interested in you wouldn't come up with something like that, it'd be like shooting herself in the foot.

 

"should I send her a message after a month when everything is calm, or should I just move on?"

Move on now. Without looking back. When she gets back to you, just don't bother answering. She might create a new account. Now she knows how to find you. She might catch your attention again and start it all over. So from now on, when someone contacts you from the website, please check women's identity first. Make sure it's not her.

[ff12343]

I had the exact situation only I met this person several times. I wanted more and she only liked the attention and then blocked me. I also thought messaging in a month would show that I cared. I was wrong.

 

Nothing speaks louder than silence and you guys also never met. Take it from me, don't ever message her again. Someone who even remotely cares about someones feelings wouldn't "block".

 

Just curious though, how old was she?

[articwolf]

Red flag #1: she was on a dating website a few days after her breakup, if not even before that.

 

Red flag #2: she contacted someone who reminded her of her boyfriend.

 

Red flag #3: she chose to "flirt" someone so far away from where she's at, on purpose.

 

Red flag #4: she was apparently looking for a friend, but loved the attention from a man and feeling wanted as a woman (she was not in a place/forum/whatever looking for a friend, but on a dating website after all...).

 

All those red flags taken separately might mean nothing, but summed up just make a bad picture.

 

"[she] told me to message her in my free time and not to think too much about it, though."

She gave you a clue. No woman into you would ever say something like that. In short she was telling you: let's keep in touch, but don't put too much effort into it. Aka: don't fall for me. A woman interested in you wouldn't come up with something like that, it'd be like shooting herself in the foot.

 

"should I send her a message after a month when everything is calm, or should I just move on?"

Move on now. Without looking back. When she gets back to you, just don't bother answering. She might create a new account. Now she knows how to find you. She might catch your attention again and start it all over. So from now on, when someone contacts you from the website, please check women's identity first. Make sure it's not her.

Yeah. I guess after 6 years without having someone in my life, I was too blinded to notice. At the same time, I was learning to love someone. And sadly it was short lived. Now, I've already given up on her. I doubt if she will ever return. But if she does, I'll treat her as a good friend. She is hurt, and maybe my friendship will give heal her for some time. After all, we all need someone to be by the side. Even if the person is unknown to me.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[articwolf]

I had the exact situation only I met this person several times. I wanted more and she only liked the attention and then blocked me. I also thought messaging in a month would show that I cared. I was wrong.

 

Nothing speaks louder than silence and you guys also never met. Take it from me, don't ever message her again. Someone who even remotely cares about someones feelings wouldn't "block".

 

Just curious though, how old was she?

I am sorry you had to go through the same. But in my case, I may have stepped out of the line. She was healing with so much to deal with, and I rushed things.

 

Anyway, I won't contact her. I've already given up on her.

 

She was 28 years old.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I still feel it would be better for you to meet local women.

 

Yeah, this girl might have said she was willing to relocate but the reality of that is much harder than the fantasy. I myself have moved overseas and it's no small undertaking, at all.

 

Focus your energy on fostering friendships you already have. Join social groups in your area. Get out there and meet women in the flesh. Most people are not going to find very long-distance, online friendships satisfying enough to develop it into a relationship. For many, they are a way to pass the time or ease loneliness. I have a friend who is always talking with men online, some for a couple years, and she only does it because she hasn't met anyone local to give her consistent attention. These online guys are an ego stroke but that's about it - and those are her words.

 

This will also have the double benefit of distracting you and helping you move on from this girl.

[articwolf]

OP, I still feel it would be better for you to meet local women.

 

Yeah, this girl might have said she was willing to relocate but the reality of that is much harder than the fantasy. I myself have moved overseas and it's no small undertaking, at all.

 

Focus your energy on fostering friendships you already have. Join social groups in your area. Get out there and meet women in the flesh. Most people are not going to find very long-distance, online friendships satisfying enough to develop it into a relationship. For many, they are a way to pass the time or ease loneliness. I have a friend who is always talking with men online, some for a couple years, and she only does it because she hasn't met anyone local to give her consistent attention. These online guys are an ego stroke but that's about it - and those are her words.

 

This will also have the double benefit of distracting you and helping you move on from this girl.

Well, after all, these things I went through, I just want to take a break for a while. Then, I'll start something fresh from the start.