BrutalHonesty Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 I typed up a huge post and lost it so, I'm going to shorten... I'm 35, he's 45... Been together 1 month, in a committed relationship; both in love with one another. He and I both have kids. Live an hour apart. He attends church when he doesn't have to work and his congregation has helped him through his divorce a year ago. Yet, he is definitely no angel; at. I'm not either but what I mean by this is, he cuses like a sailer, drinks; many times more than a couple and has a rough past. I don 't know if any of that is impt.but, I want to give as much info as I can without going over board as, I'm feeling hurt and kind of at a loss. Preface: I don't think men n women can be just friends, in my experience; one or the other ends up wanting more. (I'm not saying it "can't" happen) However, he is friends with/ talks and texts many of his male friends g/f's and believes they are just friends an will never cross any "lines". That being said, it does not bother me that he has these female friends. Then there is his " church friend / church girl", I don't know her name this is how he always refers to her. I had no problem with said church friend and didn't even question their friendship. (Did I mention, this is a female?) Honestly, the only things I know about her are that he said she's a doctor, he goes to church and lunch afterward with her and before me he said they " did stuff together". I questioned none of this until.....HUGE RED flag....He talks about her rarely ... Him - " Church friend is going to be pissed and do jelous" Me - "??? Why?" Him - " because she's in love with me" Me - " pause.. Heart rate accelerates....Are you f'in kidding me!?!?! (Hey, I'm no angel and this is the man I'm in love with, in a relationship with, have grown to love his kids...) " see what I mean ( I have mentioned my opinion on men n women trying to b just friends to him), this is why you cannot be just friends with the opposite sex...you just can't! Him - " honey, I haven't ever done anything sexual with her, never! The only thing I have ever done is hug her. She was there for me when I was going through my divorce." Me - " I don't f'in care you cannot be friends with someone that is in love with you, you just cant! No, I will not play these games, it's going to be her or me! Him - No, I'm going to be with you and remain friends with her, she has been my friend for a long time." Me - I don't even know what I said at this point but, I did drop it. It was and still is tearing me up inside, though. Then I think back on what he has mentioned about her, nothing personal at all. Only thing he has said is she is his church friend, doesn't drink at all ( he drinks, too much if u ask me but whatever) is a doctor, was there for him when going through his divorce. Then it hits me, the week after we started talking and met they ( my b/f and church girl) went to a Christian concert together, limo and all...he said he spent $500.00 on the ordeal. None of that bothered me although, admittedly, I wondered why a man with 2 kids, paying child support and alimony along with taking care of his home, just making it by would spend $500 on a concert, that alone take a female " friend" Now I'm thinking, wtf that's a damn date, really expensive one at that and I'm sure paying that much, he paid her way too ( she's a doctor, she has plenty of money???) He and I have never been on a date; always have kids with us. OK so, this is a long post too.... I have no male friends because of my previous posted reasons. However, if I even mention a guys name in conversation with him, he (admittedly) does not like it; believe me he lets me know. But, it's OK for him to maintain a relationship with a woman that is in love with him??? Hypocrisy at its best.... I'm feeling hurt and at a loss.... I wish I had a badass male friend right now so I could try to show him how I feel. Not to make him jealous and I really don't want to hurt him but, common he needs to stand in my shoes for a minute. No? To me, if people in general have friends of the opposite sex and one admits to being in love with the other; that friendship is over. It has been taken to another level and that person no longer sees it as a friendship...... Not to mention, if they are friends;/I would think I would be a topic of conversation, at some point anyway, and I'm sure she is going to give him great relationship advice. ( sarcastic) So tell me if you were in my situation how would you feel/ what would you do??? I hope to get both female and male responses. I am so in love with him but, at the same time; I will not be made a fool. Thanks so much for reading!
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Well, I will just say that you have only been together one month, and already you have drama. It's not good. One month, and you say that you are committed and you love each other. Too soon! Way too soon. He drinks - red flag. Drama with another woman - red flag. You have moved quickly - red flag. I hope things work out for you. But, it sounds complicated and all I see are potential red flags. Edited August 14, 2016 by BaileyB 6
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 I'm with you! He/she are not just friends. $500 for a concert?! That's a date! In love, but he hasn't done that for you??? BaileyB is right. Too soon for a number of things. I'm sorry, but your bf doesn't sound kosher AT ALL and this relationship is teetering on the edge. If what all he says is true, think about this(!!!), YOU have everything to lose. This woman is a doctor! I don't know what you do or how many children you have, but he has financial obligations, drinks too much, don't you think this woman looks mighty appealing to him right now? He openly tells you another woman loves him, attends church to see this woman...all red flags and all within a month! This is all so YUCKY. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 I typed up a huge post and lost it so, I'm going to shorten... I'm 35, he's 45... Been together 1 month, in a committed relationship; both in love with one another. He and I both have kids. Live an hour apart. He attends church when he doesn't have to work and his congregation has helped him through his divorce a year ago. Yet, he is definitely no angel; at. I'm not either but what I mean by this is, he cuses like a sailer, drinks; many times more than a couple and has a rough past. I don 't know if any of that is impt.but, I want to give as much info as I can without going over board as, I'm feeling hurt and kind of at a loss. Preface: I don't think men n women can be just friends, in my experience; one or the other ends up wanting more. (I'm not saying it "can't" happen) However, he is friends with/ talks and texts many of his male friends g/f's and believes they are just friends an will never cross any "lines". That being said, it does not bother me that he has these female friends. Then there is his " church friend / church girl", I don't know her name this is how he always refers to her. I had no problem with said church friend and didn't even question their friendship. (Did I mention, this is a female?) Honestly, the only things I know about her are that he said she's a doctor, he goes to church and lunch afterward with her and before me he said they " did stuff together". I questioned none of this until.....HUGE RED flag....He talks about her rarely ... Him - " Church friend is going to be pissed and do jelous" Me - "??? Why?" Him - " because she's in love with me" Me - " pause.. Heart rate accelerates....Are you f'in kidding me!?!?! (Hey, I'm no angel and this is the man I'm in love with, in a relationship with, have grown to love his kids...) " see what I mean ( I have mentioned my opinion on men n women trying to b just friends to him), this is why you cannot be just friends with the opposite sex...you just can't! Him - " honey, I haven't ever done anything sexual with her, never! The only thing I have ever done is hug her. She was there for me when I was going through my divorce." Me - " I don't f'in care you cannot be friends with someone that is in love with you, you just cant! No, I will not play these games, it's going to be her or me! Him - No, I'm going to be with you and remain friends with her, she has been my friend for a long time." Me - I don't even know what I said at this point but, I did drop it. It was and still is tearing me up inside, though. Then I think back on what he has mentioned about her, nothing personal at all. Only thing he has said is she is his church friend, doesn't drink at all ( he drinks, too much if u ask me but whatever) is a doctor, was there for him when going through his divorce. Then it hits me, the week after we started talking and met they ( my b/f and church girl) went to a Christian concert together, limo and all...he said he spent $500.00 on the ordeal. None of that bothered me although, admittedly, I wondered why a man with 2 kids, paying child support and alimony along with taking care of his home, just making it by would spend $500 on a concert, that alone take a female " friend" Now I'm thinking, wtf that's a damn date, really expensive one at that and I'm sure paying that much, he paid her way too ( she's a doctor, she has plenty of money???) He and I have never been on a date; always have kids with us. OK so, this is a long post too.... I have no male friends because of my previous posted reasons. However, if I even mention a guys name in conversation with him, he (admittedly) does not like it; believe me he lets me know. But, it's OK for him to maintain a relationship with a woman that is in love with him??? Hypocrisy at its best.... I'm feeling hurt and at a loss.... I wish I had a badass male friend right now so I could try to show him how I feel. Not to make him jealous and I really don't want to hurt him but, common he needs to stand in my shoes for a minute. No? To me, if people in general have friends of the opposite sex and one admits to being in love with the other; that friendship is over. It has been taken to another level and that person no longer sees it as a friendship...... Not to mention, if they are friends;/I would think I would be a topic of conversation, at some point anyway, and I'm sure she is going to give him great relationship advice. ( sarcastic) So tell me if you were in my situation how would you feel/ what would you do??? I hope to get both female and male responses. I am so in love with him but, at the same time; I will not be made a fool. Thanks so much for reading! 1 month, in a committed relationship -- Seriously? You have children, have committed to a man you've only been seeing for a month, and who may possibly be an alcoholic? Your children are your first priority and it is your responsibility to be responsible enough to take more than a month to evaluate a potential partner that may be in your children's lives for a long time. I will not be made a fool I am so in love with him At your age, you are making a fool of yourself for fawning over and being so wrapped up in endorphins as to declare your love for a man you've only known a month and possibly exposing your children to an alcoholic and/or who knows what. Men and women can be friends, however, you don't know for sure that this man can simply be friends with a woman because, well, you simply don't know him well enough and the trust isn't there yet. The fact that he remains friends with a woman he knows is in love with him is a sign of poor character IMO. A respectful man would recognize this and let her move on if he doesn't have the same feelings for her. He does this for an ego trip and to keep her on the back burner for some point when things are "dry" for him. And, she's likely staying with the friendship hoping that someday things will change. Dump this guy and keep moving. You deserve better for yourself and there's no way to know who is better unless you spend a significant period of time to evaluate. Yeah, sure, some people have even gotten married after only a month, but I'd love to see what goes on behind closed doors. 5
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 At your age, you are making a fool of yourself for fawning over and being so wrapped up in endorphins as to declare your love for a man you've only known a month and possibly exposing your children to an alcoholic and/or who knows what. Men and women can be friends, however, you don't know for sure that this man can simply be friends with a woman because, well, you simply don't know him well enough and the trust isn't there yet. Exactly this. Exactly! 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Not sure why he goes to church.....he hasn't learned anything about being a good human being let alone a good Christian. I would suspect she is his mistress or you are. 1
Author BrutalHonesty Posted August 14, 2016 Author Posted August 14, 2016 Thanks for the replies. However, most have commented on the time we have been "together" ; this is not an issue in my eyes. Some may not agree but, we cannot help who we fall in love with.
leogirl876 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Thanks for the replies. However, most have commented on the time we have been "together" ; this is not an issue in my eyes. Some may not agree but, we cannot help who we fall in love with. We may not be able to help who we fall in love with, but I think you're confusing love with lust & chemistry. You can't possibly know you love someone after a month, and there are a ton of red flags!!! I dated an alcoholic many years ago and came close to marrying him, and what I've heard now, he's drinking 24/7 and his rage has gotten so bad that his male friends no longer talk to him. If you're seeing red flags a month in, just wait what kind of red flags you'll see after a year or living with him. You'd be wise to leave this person! 1
Redhead14 Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Thanks for the replies. However, most have commented on the time we have been "together" ; this is not an issue in my eyes. Some may not agree but, we cannot help who we fall in love with. this is not an issue in my eyes -- It will be when you find yourself in a co-dependent relationship and caught between loving an unsuitable partner and trying to shield your children from the affects of alcoholism. That is the forethought you should apply here. Your "eyes" are blinded by endorphins. "We cannot help WHO we fall in love with" -- You don't know WHO he is yet . . . 1
kendahke Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 One month in and you're already issuing ultimatums? You don't even know him well enough to do that. Cut him loose. He's already put you on notice that his friend isn't going anywhere. Follow through with your threat and just leave him be. Find someone who doesn't have friendships with people they've known before they knew you.
kendahke Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 Thanks for the replies. However, most have commented on the time we have been "together" ; this is not an issue in my eyes. Some may not agree but, we cannot help who we fall in love with. We can't help what we feel, but we damb sure can help what action we put to feelings. HE can't help that he likes this friend of his like he does, too... and he's known her longer and been through crisis with her. You're only one month in (sorry--but yes, the shortness of time is a red flag on your part, too) and already you're trying to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. This is infatuation, not love. Perhaps gratitude for finding a sex partner, but it's not love. This is the first crisis of your relationship and both of you are squaring up on each other. Just leave this be. It isn't going to pan out to anything good.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2016 Posted August 15, 2016 This relationship is already heading for disaster. Cut him loose, OP. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
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