UTsg2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Hello Everyone, Well, I hope somebody here can help me understand my current situation a bit more than I do at this point. I will just jump right in to my scenario - This is a long post because there is alot to this situation, and I feel the more information I can provide, the better advice I will subsequently receive. My (ex)girlfriend and I had been together for almost exactly two-and-a-half years when I heard the dreaded "I think we need a break" line about two weeks ago. I am 21 years old, and she is 20 (yes, I know we are both young). Now this was a very serious relationship built on (what I thought) were very solid foundations. We actually started dating just before Christmas of 2002, but met eachother years prior to that when mutual friends attempted to get us together (I believe I was a freshman in high school at the time). We did not hit it off back then at ALL, and basically lost touch for the next 4+ years. Back at that point in my life, I was more interested in being (and looking the part of) a stereotypical computer nerd...lol....but people change, and I did. So high school went on, I dated, I grew, and so did she. I grauduated and started college at a local community college. Approximately a year into C.C., we re-met eachother through a mutual friend. We started talking over the internet, but since we were both from the same home town and lived 10 minutes away from eachother, it didn't take long for this to graduate from online, to over the phone, and, about 2 weeks later, our first date. It was *magical*. We began "going out", or being together, not very long after. At this point, she was still a senior in high school. I went to her senior prom, she dedicated some time in her senior video to me, etc etc. Time passed and soon it was time to decide on colleges, universities, etc. We took a *huge* gamble and decided to go to the same University that is about an hour away from where we grew up. Life couldn't have been better. We both started off as Psychology majors (and no, we did not decide on that together - it was just what we were both interested in). I added Computer Science about a year and a half in to my college career, and she switched to Education - so that she could have summers off and a steady schedule for our future children (keep in mind this is almost two years into our relationship, and things were getting pretty serious). I joined her family on summer vacations, I took her on a private vacation for her birthday, we were always fairthful and honest, and (I thought) - were absolutely perfect together. So, let's fast forward to the present. Due to my double major, I decided to stay here on campus for the summer to take some condensed courses and get some credits out of the way fast. She went home to stay with her parents, but would come to visit on the weekends - or I would go up there to visit with her. I had been working for the school's technology department part time since our arrival, and took a full time position with them to fund my summer stay. So, I am basically completely booked Monday through Thursday - I work 8 to 5, and then have class from 6 until 9. She works part time up where we are from. We had a discussion about the situation probably two months ago when she seemed a bit concerned about things. She had written me an email in which she was worried about things - basically equating to not being able to spend (almost) every night together like we had been when we were both on campus. I explained to her that this was for my (and our) future - I mean, I'm trying to get an education AND make enough money to pay for my housing, meals, etc. Like I said, two weeks ago I received "the call" at about 10:15 p.m. when she was getting out of work. She was extremely upset, to the point where she said she couldn't even drive home because she was so upset. She said she wanted to take a break because she felt that she was "just another person" to me, not the most important thing in my life, and so on. She said that I had a "full plate" at this point in time, and "maybe we could pick things up in six weeks when she gets back to school". She said that she needs to be put up on a pedistal (which, oddly enough, is something that her Mother had said to me well over a year ago) , and that is something that I did not do - she claimed that the last time I did something "sweet" out of the blue was when we first started dating - which is absolutely not true. Granted I did not do romantic things on a weekly basis and know that I could have done more, I did do alot to make her feel important. I thought we had a normal, stable long term relationship - I mean it isn't always going to be like those first few months when things are fresh and new. It just stinks that this happened because I am busy with school and work (atleast I think that is why this happened...). Anyway, there is alot more to this story behind each topic that I can fill in for you as necessary, but I think this is a pretty good overview of the situation. The bottom line is I want her back, she is not just another person to me (and I never treated her as such), and I am heartbroken and utterly confused. I read an e-book that said the best thing to do would be to give her space and not contact her for at least a month, but, given my situation I cannot see that helping considering that it was space that ruined such a good thing. What do I do? Any help will be greatly appreciated!
NightEchos Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Ok I read your situation and I am going to explain this as someone who has been through a similar situation. I dated my ex for 3 1/2 years...high school sweethearts....the magical dates...and all the rest. I too went to school to better both her life and mine. She stayed in our hometown. Now I know you think your situation is unique. We all do. There are a few points I wanna touch on and then explain. 1. You have heard this before and will again. You are both young...my ex is 19....believe me when I say both men and women tend to flake out a bit between 19 and 24. There is not a lot you can do. We all go through it, but tend to deal with it differently. 2. You were not there for her, cause you were at school. It sucks, but it is likely while you were gone, she started looking around a bit. She was looking for someone to fill that void you left. Not saying she has, but I have seen the scenario 1000 times. If she does have the interest of another.....i'm sorry man but there is little you can do. 3. A "break" is breakup. Don't let yourself believe otherwise. She wants time away from you. Does she not have this already? Are you not an hour away. Sorry bud but this is a lame excuse and the same one i got. Now what do I do to get her bck is the next question right. Nothing. Not a thing. Don't beg, plead(like I did) back off give her the space/ Tell her you love her and have feelings. Then disappear. I mean it. NC is the only option. If you think you can be friends...good on you. Many can't. You don't wanna hear about new guys. Buddy, we all want them back....and it may happen. But give yourself some time. You can't rush back in. Limit contact give her the space she wants and then IF you want and she wants it, a reconcilliation can happen. Best of luck
moimeme Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 She said that she needs to be put up on a pedistal (which, oddly enough, is something that her Mother had said to me well over a year ago) , and that is something that I did not do - she claimed that the last time I did something "sweet" out of the blue was when we first started dating - which is absolutely not true Oh peachy. You got yourself one high-maintenance gal, who needs to feel that she's your everything. And I mean 'everything'. This is not a good sign. Rather than having the maturity to understand that there are responsibilities you have and things you need to do and you can't just drop them to keep her company, she's thinking about her, herself, and her and that she's not getting what she wants, never mind you. You can try to explain to her - again - why you're doing what you're doing and that it's for both of you. Either she'll wise up and get it or she won't. And frankly, if she doesn't, that doesn't bode well for your life together. I think any self-respecting man should run far and fast from any female who 'needs to be put up on a pedestal' Humans who can't understand that they're human and don't deserve adoration make very bad bets for mates. I would suggest you rethink whether continuing with this person is wise if she continues to be this way.
Author UTsg2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Author Posted July 2, 2005 Hi Moime, and thank you for your prompt response! You know, it sure sounds like the consensus is very much the same. I have discussed this situation with a long time female friend that I grew up with and she thought that it was utterly absurd, as well. She has just broken off all contact with me, and I just cannot get over it! After two and a half years of talking every single day and I haven't even gotten an email or a message from her! We talked the Friday following her intitial bomb-drop, and she sounded like perfectly happy that this is what happened. She said she was "relieved" that she didn't have to worry about things and such. Am I barking up the wrong hope tree here, do I need to try to patch up my battle wounds and move on when I am still deeply in love with her? That is so true, calling her high-maintenance. The original "break call" included such nice things as "we always do what you want to do". I hardly find that the case - I always asked for her input and always tried to meet her half-way on EVERYTHING!
moimeme Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 The original "break call" included such nice things as "we always do what you want to do". I hardly find that the case - I always asked for her input and always tried to meet her half-way on EVERYTHING! Honestly, do you find a person who can so badly misinterpret your actions someone admirable? If she has that bad an opinion of you, do you really want to be with her? Apparently, she's had many complaints yet never ever mentioned them until now. Could you expect better were you to re-establish a relationship with her? This is usually the sort of person that just announces out of the blue that they've been unhappy for ten years and want a divorce without once having ever tried to discuss or solve any of her problems. And nothing's death to a relationship like a person who seethes silently while pretending everything is ok. I feel it would be a disservice to you to encourage you to try to win her back.
Author UTsg2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Author Posted July 2, 2005 Hmm.....I agree. You are spot on, which is amazing considering that you are thousands of miles away from my dilemma! You know, now that I think about it, I always had to be the one to sense that something wasn't quite right, bring up that fact, and have her just claim to "not know" what was wrong. I would then have to leave it alone for a few hours to have the truth of what was wrong come out. It is just so hard on my end because I really did not see it coming. Is this really a problem on her end, not mine? Thank you again for your advice!
moimeme Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Is this really a problem on her end, not mine? Yep. For a couple to succeed, they have to communicate, and particularly if there are issues to be dealt with, they need to be taken care of right away. People like her are afraid to 'rock the boat' by being truthful so they allow all their resentments to pile up against you rather than trying to resolve them when they're resolvable. There's no way you can ever be a successful partner to someone who won't tell you when they are having problems. Folks who fear/dread 'confrontation' - including having problem-solving discussions with their partners - are very very bad bets as partners. You are spot on, which is amazing considering that you are thousands of miles away from my dilemma Well there are sets of archetypes of behaviours, I guess. After reading about umpty-zillion relationship articles and books, it becomes easier to match symptoms to problems and predict outcomes. I think your problem is one of the more typical ones, actually. LS has seen any number of 's/he just came home and announced s/he's been unhappy for a long time and wants a divorce' posts and of course these people never before voiced complaints. It's just common sense that problems unresolved sit and fester but, unfortunately, some folks will allow problems to do just that rather than fix them. Makes no sense to me but then not all humans are sensible
Author UTsg2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Author Posted July 2, 2005 So, do you feel as though I am correct in not contacting her, since she is not contacting me (even though she's the one who broke it off)? Also, is there a name for this cognitive schema that she seems to exhibit so that I may research it and see if even more symptoms are present?
sarah12 Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 She sounds like she needs to grow up. It's highly unfair of her to ask you to drop everything to make her the center of your world. Personally I think she's just got too much time on her hands and when this happens to women, they get restless and start to analyze every detail of their relationships when in fact there's nothing wrong with it. If you want this to work out, you've got to stick to your bones and let her know that at this age, you have a life to make and it's just getting started. You can try and work out some compromises to see each other or talk more often, but tell her it's not going to change much as long as school and work are still going on. Times are tough and you've got to learn how to survive it together. If it's the distance that's bothering her so much that she needs to take a 'break' every time she doesn't feel like she's being put on a pedestal, then she's got to find a part time boyfriend elsewhere. End of story.
moimeme Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 So, do you feel as though I am correct in not contacting her, since she is not contacting me (even though she's the one who broke it off)? Especially since she's the one who broke it off and is not contacting you. Also, is there a name for this cognitive schema that she seems to exhibit so that I may research it and see if even more symptoms are present? Well you could try looking up passive communication style, passive-aggressiveness or the Enneagram type 9.
Author UTsg2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Author Posted July 2, 2005 Well I looked those up and it sure does sound like her. The frustrating thing is that it just came out of nowhere - she even apologized for "not giving me any warning" the night she called me. I just don't understand why she didn't so we could work it out. Very depressing....
moimeme Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 The frustrating thing is that it just came out of nowhere - she even apologized for "not giving me any warning" the night she called me. I just don't understand why she didn't so we could work it out. Put it this way; it's better you find out now that she's the sort of person to just bail rather than work things out than were you to have married her. Very depressing.... It is, but it would have been worse had this happened when you were married with two kids. In a way, you've been saved from much worse hassles down the line. Now you can go look for soeone who will treat you better - and you are well acquainted with one warning sign to be on the lookout for next time.
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