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Relationship question

Cathy7

By Cathy7
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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Ps. And, obviously, if my boyfriend told me 'no', I would never think badly of him. But i understand that men are perceived, especially in the popular culture, as those who should always be on the 'yes' side and it is a huge injustice to them. The same, I think, is done about women who, supposedly, should say yes to men on the first date. It is all injustice, both in regard to men and women.

Thank you so much for providing me with reassurance. I feel totally lost between the feelings of love, guilt and sadness.

 

You seem to have a touch of Stockholm Syndrome to me, in that you 'love' your abuser.

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Have you read anything of what we said?

 

Are you aware you are dating an abuser? and more time you spend with him more he will become controlling and abusive.

 

Now it's about not saying 'bad words' as if you were a 4 year old and him your dad, then when you'll be committed to each other it will be about you not being allowed to leave the house, or make phone calls, or invite people over.

 

You are in a HIGH risk relationship for domestic violence. What do you have to say about that?

 

I don't care you love him. Loving someone is NOT a reason for letting them treat us like dirt, or a piece of property.

 

Break up

 

Thank you. Indeed, it will be probably break up either way, because he communicated that he will not accept relationship with 'no' and only with 'yes' regarding anything so I believe I'm of no use to him. I just feel so sad to hurt him that I cant concentrate on my daily life at all, but its not healthy what is taking place. I believe we could have created something beautiful together if only these issues were absent.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Thank you. Indeed, it will be probably break up either way, because he communicated that he will not accept relationship with 'no' and only with 'yes' regarding anything so I believe I'm of no use to him. I just feel so sad to hurt him.

 

I'm sorry that you feel this way, because you should never feel that you are no use to him - especially if you tell him "not tonight."

 

Yes, you need to break up with him. This is not healthy and you are at high risk of violence from him. You won't find it easy, but I hope that you have the strength to do what is best for you.

 

Healthy relationships are those in which the wishes and desires of both people are equally important. It should not be about what he wants and making him happy, he should care equally about what you want and what makes you happy.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with saying "No" -- people do it every day... And those relationships are healthy and strong. But, if you say "no" and he says "yes" or tries to pressure you into saying "yes" - that is RAPE! That is a CRIME!

 

Please, don't allow yourself to think anything else. Take care.

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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Thank you. Indeed, it will be probably break up either way, because he communicated that he will not accept relationship with 'no' and only with 'yes' regarding anything so I believe I'm of no use to him. I just feel so sad to hurt him that I cant concentrate on my daily life at all, but its not healthy what is taking place. I believe we could have created something beautiful together if only these issues were absent.

 

Stop thinking so much about his happiness! The perception of happiness is twisted in this man and making him happy is beyond anyone's power. No need to be such a martyr, or do you actually enjoy suffering? Cause from what you write it seems like you're partially under hypnosis or something. :(

 

And how did you two create something beautiful if he pushed you to have sex with him from the very beginning? Is this your first relation? Did you experience/witness abuse in your family? Please answer

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Stop thinking so much about his happiness! The perception of happiness is twisted in this man and making him happy is beyond anyone's power. No need to be such a martyr, or do you actually enjoy suffering? Cause from what you write it seems like you're partially under hypnosis or something. :(

 

And how did you two create something beautiful if he pushed you to have sex with him from the very beginning? Is this your first relation? Did you experience/witness abuse in your family? Please answer

 

Thank you Everyone! Actually I feel sad since this Person insisted that its a very important relationship and whatever he did in his daily life, it was dedicated to us. I'm sure he was serious. On the other hand it bothers me that on our first date ever I had to say no for dozens of times. The yes rule makes me terrified and I'm sad that maybe he is sad about my behaviour but I communicated him that I feel that I can't move forward as long as I can never say 'yes' which will be my yes. I think he was truly committed but its his personality. I don't think he will like to continue our relationship since perhaps I'm too stubborn as long as this dreadful rule is there between us. He said that he knows girls who never say no.

My family was not a very happy arrangement although I did not suffer neglect or abuse in a very bad sense. Perhaps all this affects my perception of the current situation.

Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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Cathy, did you read what was said on here? Did you notice all of us calling your boyfriend's behavior abusive? How do you feel about that?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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He said that he knows girls who never say no.

 

This is simply not true. There are nights when my boyfriend is tired when he says no;). Everyone says "no, not tonight... I'm tired."

 

Everyone should have the right to say no. For him to tell you otherwise is simply not true.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Dear Users,

 

I was wondering if you could tell me, if youcould possibly stay in a new relationship when from the beginning you are being informed that in this relationship only the word 'yes' exists and 'no' is not applicable. I felt shocked and felt as if my individual integrity was shattered. I would never apply this rule to the other person I love. Would you decide to stay in such an arrangement? Thank you for your answers.

 

C-O-N-T-R-O-L.....A-B-U-S-E... get away!

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Thank you. I have to believe that it does not make sense. I feel very sad because I feel I am a terrible girlfriend but I cannot be myself when I have no other options than 'yes'. I feel scared inside. My boyfriend said I'm difficult and that 'no' is a word that should not be present in a relationship. The more he insists on it, the more I'm closing in. It all pains me very much and occupies my mind all the time. Perhaps one day everything will be well again but I will make the right decisions that I have to make anyway. Thank you so much, Everyone, for your great support and reassuring me that I didn't go crazy.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Thank you. I have to believe that it does not make sense. I feel very sad because I feel I am a terrible girlfriend but I cannot be myself when I have no other options than 'yes'. I feel scared inside. My boyfriend said I'm difficult and that 'no' is a word that should not be present in a relationship.

 

There is nothing more to say... Except to say that this is not love. It's not a healthy relationship. And it's not love.

 

It has nothing to do with you, and what kind of a girlfriend you are to him. It has everything to do with him - his unhealthy expectations and controlling, abusive behavior.

 

I hope you really understand that someday...

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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Unfortunately, I don't think she understands... She's just repeating the same thing all over again like she's programmed :( Didn't really address anything that was said on here.

 

Hope that the "right decision" she mentioned in her last post means breakup..

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Dear All, I understood, I will give it up. Anyway I think my boyfriend had already given me up because he needs a girl with always ready 'yes'.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Anyway I think my boyfriend had already given me up because he needs a girl with always ready 'yes'.

 

And that's not a bad thing. Any woman, deserves better... Best of luck to you.

DramaInPajamas Established Member

DramaInPajamas

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Sometimes I wonder if threads like this are for real.

 

Of all the bad behavior I had heard about in relationships, "you are never allowed to say no to me" is a new one. And a person contemplating if this is ok rather than ass out of there is even worse.

 

How can you possibly need time to decide.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Dear All,

 

Thank you so much for all your answers and for your time! I feel very unhappy about the whole situation because I love this person and thought that we have a lot to share and a great intellectual connection. He declared that he want to seriously engage with me and I declared the same. Yet everytime I hear that I can never say no to him because its a 'bad' word I feel like I can't make a step forward, although I would like to make a step forward! I just feel like moritfied. Recently we spent some time together to strengthen the bonds between us and I kept asking him if its possible to remove all rules from our relation but he said he can't do that. I tried to explain him that its like I don't feel my free will but he said that since I made a decision to be here, 'I know the consequences'. I don't want to have any 'consequences' and I truly thought about us very seriously. I feel so sad and guilty because I love this person and dont want him to suffer, I want to make him the happiest ever! But I dont think it's ok to make rules for those whom we love. We know each other since spring and I don't know to where these rules will lead within the coming years. I don't know why he does it because he appeared to be truthful, enthusiastic and full of love. Indeed he thinks that I dont love him. Thank you everyone, perhaps I need to take a break from everything to consider all that happened.

 

no is an important word.....some people need to learn to say no......because it is a given that no is needed in any relationship you have.....boundaries are needed and to be known by a simple no......saying no is not a question of loving someone....to truly love someone honestly you need to be able to say no and trust them to accept that no is a boundary not a rule.....

 

if you cannot say no this relationship will not last no matter how much you love him....and as far as him loving you i feel true love comes when you are equals...side by side...together and able to discuss everything in a thoughtful and calm manner and certainly to say no is part of that.......no one below another or forced or co-erced into being a certain way or saying certain things or not saying certain things...that isnt love.....accepting people and their boundaries leads to love.....

 

 

how old are you you sound young to me.....is he much older than you?...deb

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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no is an important word.....some people need to learn to say no......because it is a given that no is needed in any relationship you have.....boundaries are needed and to be known by a simple no......saying no is not a question of loving someone....to truly love someone honestly you need to be able to say no and trust them to accept that no is a boundary not a rule.....

 

if you cannot say no this relationship will not last no matter how much you love him....and as far as him loving you i feel true love comes when you are equals...side by side...together and able to discuss everything in a thoughtful and calm manner and certainly to say no is part of that.......no one below another or forced or co-erced into being a certain way or saying certain things or not saying certain things...that isnt love.....accepting people and their boundaries leads to love.....

 

 

how old are you you sound young to me.....is he much older than you?...deb

 

Thank you so much for your answer. It makes me feel even more reassured. We have a big age difference, over 10 years. My bf has nothing to do with the backgrounds that establish those terrible rules. He said he was badly disappointed in love in the past and now he doesn't accept no because no carried negativity. I'm sure he was in love with me, he was so engaged and had a vision of the future together. Its hard for me to connect these two facts: his huge involvement and saying that I can never deny him.

DramaInPajamas Established Member

DramaInPajamas

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Tell him you will agree to it if he reciprocates.

 

He cannot ever tell you no either, no matter what you ask him to do.

 

Fair is fair.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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In a word, no. No-one tells me what I can or can't do in a relationship. It should be an equal relationship with both people feeling free to express themselves. It sounds to me like saying no is not an option is very controlling behaviour. No wonder you feel violated - it is pressure from the start to conform to what someone else wants. If the other person does not respect your needs and feelings too, then it would be positively harmful to get involved with them.

 

I would get rid of this control freak if I were you.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Thank you. Indeed, it will be probably break up either way, because he communicated that he will not accept relationship with 'no' and only with 'yes' regarding anything so I believe I'm of no use to him. I just feel so sad to hurt him that I cant concentrate on my daily life at all, but its not healthy what is taking place. I believe we could have created something beautiful together if only these issues were absent.

 

Just think for a moment how this guy is making you feel deep down. Are you feeling happy, lighthearted and full of joy to be with him? I doubt it. I get the impression you are feeling anxious, fearful, and as if you are walking on eggshells. That is because he is a controlling and inflexible guy. He may be a danger to you.

 

Does he know where you live, your surname, your workplace? I hope not because he sounds dangerously controlling. When you break up with him, make sure friends know that you have finished with him and that he is controlling. Take care of your personal safety. Have a phone and police numbers handy. Seriously, this guy will not take it well but that does not mean you are at fault. He is a controlling guy and they can become dangerous once they lose control. When you finish it with him, he loses control. That is a good thing for you but just make sure you are somewhere near friends when you tell him. Make sure you are safe.

 

Good luck in freeing yourself from this guy!

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Thank you everyone! If I say no, does it mean that I don't love him? I do love him with my heart, but this rule of never saying 'no' stops me from saying yes, even though I want to say yes! It prevents me from all when I'm looking towards the future.

 

Are you American?

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Thank you. No, I think he simply does not want me anymore.

 

Just think for a moment how this guy is making you feel deep down. Are you feeling happy, lighthearted and full of joy to be with him? I doubt it. I get the impression you are feeling anxious, fearful, and as if you are walking on eggshells. That is because he is a controlling and inflexible guy. He may be a danger to you.

 

Does he know where you live, your surname, your workplace? I hope not because he sounds dangerously controlling. When you break up with him, make sure friends know that you have finished with him and that he is controlling. Take care of your personal safety. Have a phone and police numbers handy. Seriously, this guy will not take it well but that does not mean you are at fault. He is a controlling guy and they can become dangerous once they lose control. When you finish it with him, he loses control. That is a good thing for you but just make sure you are somewhere near friends when you tell him. Make sure you are safe.

 

Good luck in freeing yourself from this guy!

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Thank you. No, I think he simply does not want me anymore.

 

This is the best thing that could have happened for you. Good luck!

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Grisho Established Member

Grisho

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Cathy, well done for coming on here asking the questions you did. Your instincts are great. Your safety is of utmost importance. Stay away from that man. Avoid him entirely. He is a dangerous predator.

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Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

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LOL. Where do these freaks come from? Where'd you find this guy, OP? The Island of Misfit Toys or something?

 

I would have thoroughly enjoyed throat-punching this ass-clown right into next Tuesday had it been me.

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Cathy7 Established Member

Cathy7

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Cathy, well done for coming on here asking the questions you did. Your instincts are great. Your safety is of utmost importance. Stay away from that man. Avoid him entirely. He is a dangerous predator.

 

Thank you everyone! Well, he's obviously gone and I'm left with too many feelings that probably I should have never developed. There were some signs bothering me and probably if I ended it then, now it would be allright. On our first ever date when we merely saw each other and talked for the first time I had to tell him like one hundred times "no" too and he did not listen. We knew each other from spring. When we went for holidays, he said that we should always have bathroom door open to avoid boundaries and it also made me uncomfortable, since we didn't know each other that well. And this "never say no" issue that made me totally cave in. I am worried that I hurted him in some way and I would prefer to die than hurt him, but I also felt uncomfortable about all these rules, and sometimes I felt unheard. Thank you so much everyone for your support. For some reason I feel very sad but maybe it will be better.

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